Chapter Three

            It has been four days since I have seen Jackson, not that I am counting.  Ok, I’m counting.  Every day.  Every hour.  Every minute.  I feel like a junkie looking for my next fix.  I know I can’t have him since we are both in relationships with other people, but that doesn’t stop my body from wanting to be near him.  I am trying so hard to focus on the task at hand, which is getting ready to leave my apartment on time, but I can’t seem to keep my thoughts straight as I rush around my room. 

Greg is taking me out to dinner tonight so I am putting on my conservative dress and barely there heels.  My hair is twisted up in a bun and just to complete the whole proper lady look I am wearing a string of pearls.  If he had any bad boy in him he would find out that under the proper lady dress I am anything but a proper lady.  I may be inexperienced in many things, but I do have quite the habit of buying sexy panties and bras.  I guess it is the one area of my life where I am not under my family’s scrutiny.  I learned very young that the males in my life would not dare step into a store selling lingerie with me so that is where I experience my freedom. 

When I look at the power I give my family in deciding so many aspects of my future, Greg becomes another item on that list.  He is an amazing guy with such a bright future it is almost impossible to find a reason to fight my family on this choice for me.  At times I don’t know if it is my feelings for Greg or my distain for being controlled that causes the wall that has been put up between us.  In the last year we have spent so much time together playing the role of courting young adults on the verge of being betrothed that I can’t help but to acknowledge that love has grown between us.  Love, which I had thought was caring and nurturing of a friendship, until I stumbled upon Jackson.

Greg respects me and knows me, has cared for me when I was sick and is truly invested in my future.  We have long discussions about everything from politics to sitcoms and I had always thought that was enough. Passion was something you read about, something chased by reckless youths, not something that you find on a late night between two strangers.  Greg and I are best friends but there is a wall between us when it comes to physical connection and now that I have felt that spark of desire with Jackson, I can’t help but to see how my relationship with Greg is just a friendship.

Spraying on a touch of perfume, I stand back to look in the mirror.  I wonder what Jackson would think if he saw me like this.  I don’t even look my age, more like a thirty-year-old mom who spends her days working in a church office.  I am beige and taupe and multiple shades of neutral.  I hear the knock at the door and then Abby’s voice as she invites Greg in to wait for me.  She always tells him I’m in my room down the hall if he would like to go find me, and he always declines and waits for me in the shared living room. 

I grab my small clutch and take one last look in the mirror before making my way down the hall.  When Abby sees me she scrunches up her nose in a look that says, “yuck,” before sitting down on the couch and grabbing the remote.  Greg is a gentleman as always and stands as I enter the room.  He is not quite as tall as Jackson but he is in great shape.  His blonde hair is kept short for business and he is wearing a sleek button up shirt and a pair of slacks.  His green eyes meet mine as I walk towards him.  He is genuinely happy, a smile lighting up his face when he takes in what I look like.  I will never understand how any man could be so excited about their girlfriend being so G-rated.  To him, I fit so perfectly into his happy-ever-after.   It breaks my heart to know that becoming his happy-ever-after will end any chances of mine coming true. 

The conversation at dinner is all business as Greg talks about his experience at my dad’s office.  He is working so hard to make a name for himself and to make me proud to be with him.  I know my father loves him and that part of our relationship feels right to me.  He is talking about his three-year plan again and each time he starts talking about marriage, kids and buying a house I start to feel dizzy and sick.  I take long breaths through my nose and tell myself to relax, that I still have a few months of my own life before we start our life together.  With the building anxiety I also feel guilt.  Greg is an amazing guy who deserves to have a woman who is madly in love with him and would live to make him happy.   As time passes I wonder more and more if I will ever be that woman.

Greg puts his hand on top of mine and I look up into his eyes.  “Madeline, are you ok, Baby?”  His thumb rubs circles across my skin and I gulp in air to try to calm down my racing heart.  This is when I could say no, be honest that I am not ready for his three-year plan.  I want to tell him how I feel about him and ask if that is the way he wants his wife to feel.  Instead, I just nod yes and he runs his knuckles down the side of my face with concern in his eyes.  “I am worried about you.  I think you took on too much this semester.  It will be worth it though if you can stick it out. In just a few months we can put college behind us and move on to the next chapter.” 

“I think you are right, Greg, I have just been feeling a little stressed with everything that is on my plate.  Excuse me while I run to the ladies room and freshen up before dessert.”  Greg nods and looks relieved as if all the world’s problems have been solved.  I pause for a minute after standing, wondering if he feels that they really have or if my buy-in just bought him more time to win me over.  It doesn’t matter in the end; I don’t have the courage to speak now and I know I won’t find that courage in the future. 

I splash a little water on my face in the bathroom and take a minute to calm my heart rate.  Telling myself I have just got myself too worked up about marriage, I make a decision that it isn’t about Greg; it is about my fears of commitment to a life I find so boring.  It is just part of growing up and I must be struggling with letting go of my youth.  Tonight I am going to push some of the limits and see if Greg can make me feel the way I do around Jackson.  Maybe this whole time I have just put that wall up to protect myself from giving in again to my dad’s choice for me.  Perhaps the passion is there if I only let it sizzle.  I leave the bathroom with confidence and purpose as my plan begins to unfold. 

Greg, of course, stands as I reach the table and sits after I have sat down.  He hands me a dessert menu and begins to make recommendations of what we could share.  This is about as far as his public display of affection will go.  Casually I place my hand on his thigh and glance at the menu in front of me.  Greg is still, his muscle strained beneath my palm.  I trace the inside of his leg with my fingers in slow casual circles while I pretend to be focused on the desserts.  As the waiter approaches I use the opportunity to slide my hand up higher on his thigh and rest my fingers at the crease where his thigh meets his groin. 

Greg is unable to ask me to stop without causing a scene in front of the waiter.  “What are you thinking about Greg?” I ask in a seductive voice and I watch as his eyes bare into mine searching for an answer to what the hell I am doing. 

“I was thinking perhaps we could skip the dessert.  I should be getting you home soon since I am sure you have class to prepare for tomorrow.”  I am shocked, he wants me alone with him and the butterflies begin to dance in my stomach at the thought of being touched. 

“Sounds great to me,” I reply as I trace more circles on his thigh.  He hands the waiter our menus and his credit card.  When the waiter leaves our table Greg places his hand on top of mine and stops my slow caresses.

“Madeline, we are in a public place.  People can see that your hand is in my lap.”  He glances around the restaurant to check for any prying eyes.  “What is going on with you tonight?  Let me take you home so you can get some rest.” 

“I don’t want to rest, Greg, I want to play.”  I have never been so forward in our relationship and I stare into his eyes to see his response.  I feel like a bratty child insisting on something she can’t have.

“Believe me, Madeline, I want that very much too.  We only have a few months left and then you and I can be married.  I respect your father, he is my boss, and your brothers are constantly checking in with me in regards to you.  If they ever found out that I acted in a way that compromised your reputation they would be livid.  We have waited this long, why not wait until we can do it in an order you can be proud of instead of some rushed night of sex before marriage.  We have the rest of our lives to discover each other in that way. “  He pulls my reluctant hand to the top of the table and pats it like you would pat a small child’s head after an upset.  I nod my agreement but I can feel the tears stinging the back of my eyes.  At the sight of my face I watch the look of pain wash over Greg’s features.  He truly loves me and I feel terrible for questioning if his love for me is enough to keep me happy.

“Please just take me home, Greg.”  I place my napkin on the table and scoot my chair back as the waiter returns with his card and receipt.  Greg stands with me and while I think he is going to put his hand on my back he just pulls the chair back and tucks it into the table.  He follows me out of the restaurant and we drive home in silence. 

            When he pulls into the parking lot at my complex he shuts off the engine.  “Madeline, I think all of this is just too much for you right now.  I don’t want to cause you too much stress.  I am just so excited that we are getting so close to a time when we can be together.  I have been in love with you for awhile and I know you enough to know that something is wrong.”  He looks me in the eye and then reaches for my hand.

            The silence is so thick in the car I start to feel the panic rise again.  Greg stares out the front window of the car and sucks in a deep breath.  He closes his eyes and then in a shaky voice he begins, “Madeline, I love you and I want you to be happy.  I think one day I can make that happen, but I can’t do that unless you are sure you want to be with me.  You may not be in love with me now but we can keep nurturing that part of our relationship and one day you will.  I can wait for that, but I can’t watch you continue to move forward in this relationship when I can see the indecision in your eyes.  Our friendship is so important to me Madeline, I can’t stand the thought of losing that because I am being shoved down your throat by your family.  I may have been a strategic move on their part, Sweetheart, but our relationship is our own.“  I can’t even look at him as the tears spill from my eyes and run down my cheeks. 

            I watch as the tears spill onto my beige dress and for the millionth time in my life I want to speak to my mother.  I lost her too young, before I even knew what questions to ask.  How was I supposed to know at ten-years-old all of the questions I want to ask her now?  I need to know if passion lasts or if it is just an amazing feeling that flees with time.  I want to know if I should explore what I feel for Jackson or just keep working at this relationship with Greg.  I wipe the tears off of my chin and glance over to Greg who is looking out the side window trying not to cry. 

            “We are going to dinner at your dad’s house tomorrow, Madeline.  After dinner I am getting on a plane to New York for three weeks.  Your dad needs some extra help in the New York office since they are doing some restructuring.  I think we should take a break during that time.  I’m going to let you go so that when I get you back you will really be mine.  Do what you need to do during the next three weeks to make sure the life I can offer you is the one your heart wants.” 

            “Greg, we don’t have to do this.  I know what is best, I am just struggling with graduation and growing up.”  We both know I’m lying but he nods his head to save me some grace.   A few days ago when I felt like there was no way out of this relationship with Greg because he is so woven into my family I wanted nothing more than to be free, but now that he is walking away it changes everything.  My fears that I will be trapped and my wishes never considered by any of the men in my life have just been disproven.  He wants it to be my choice, he wants me to be happy and even more—he will sacrifice his happiness and happy-ever-after to make mine come true.    

“Well then, in three weeks I will have you without doubt, Madeline, and I need that.  It hurts me to watch you hurt and you may not understand that now but one day when you are in love, and I pray that it is with me, you will know what it feels like to have your heart break just by witnessing the pain on the face of the person you love.”  Greg reaches over and raises my quivering chin with his fingers.  He gently brushes his lips to mine and then tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. 

            “What do I do while you’re gone?” I ask.  He has handed me the freedom I have always wanted but now I fear that I won’t know what to do with it. 

            “Live a little my love, and try to find out if there is room in your heart for me.  I will pick you up tomorrow at 4 o’clock. Let’s not mention this to your family so that they don’t crank up the possessiveness while I am gone.  It won’t do us any good if you can’t experience life at your own hands without them trying to steer you.”

            “Ok, I will see you tomorrow, Greg.  I am going to walk myself up to the door so Abby doesn’t see us so upset.”  I open the car door and step out of the car.  I feel like I am out of my own body.  Three weeks.  I have a lot of living that needs to happen in these three weeks.  I turn around when I reach the edge of the walkway, the last place I would be able to see him.  I blow him a kiss and watch him pretend to catch it and, as he places his hand with my invisible kiss over his heart, mine shatters into a million pieces.