Narrator (Ava):
Loitering idly, Benvolio and Mercutio were jobless,
These men did not have anything to do;
Mercutio was cracking sexual jokes, a case so hopeless,
That Benvolio was just about to sue.

Benvolio (Jake): Hey, bro.

Mercutio (Minho): Yeah?

Benvolio (Jake): I think we should go home before that headass Tybalt comes in to fight any of us.

Mercutio (Minho): He won’t fight us.

Benvolio (Jake): How are you so sure?

Mercutio (Minho): Trust the gut; he won’t come here.

[Enter Tybalt]

Tybalt (Changbin): Where’st the fucketh is thou, Romeo?

Mercutio (Minho): …and today, we learn that the gut can be wrong sometimes, too, Benvolio.

Benvolio (Jake): (sighs) Not this adrenaline junkie again.

Tybalt (Changbin): Where is Romeo? Where is he?

[The passersby look at him, judge him, and walk away]
[Enter Romeo]

Romeo (Hyunjin): Whaddup, brethren?

Tybalt (Changbin): I’m not your fucking brethren!

Romeo (Hyunjin): Easy, tiger!

Tybalt (Changbin): Whom did you dare to call a tiger?

Romeo (Hyunjin): Okay, Tybalt-

Tybalt (Changbin): Tybalt! How dare you speak my name!

Romeo (Hyunjin): (frustrated) The fuck do I even call you then?

Mercutio (Minho): (eating popcorn) Oh, this is fun.

Tybalt (Changbin): Have you any courage? Fight me right now, bloody Montague!

Benvolio (Jake): Guys, let’s not fight-

Mercutio (Minho): Let them. I wanna see the whole drama.

Tybalt (Changbin): (instigated) You wanna fight? You wanna fight, huh?

Romeo (Hyunjin): My brothers, no-

[Mercutio engages in a fight with Tybalt, and Tybalt swiftly kills him with a sword through his gut]

Benvolio (Jake): Mercutio! Oh, no!

Mercutio (Minho): (coughing up blood) See, I told you that the gut can be wrong sometimes, too.

Benvolio (Jake): (crying) Bro went out with a pun.

Romeo (Hyunjin): (angered) How dare you penetrate your sword into my cousin?

Tybalt (Changbin): That sounds so wrong!

Romeo (Hyunjin): (pauses) Oh, wait, yeah.

Benvolio (Jake): Kids, no fighting anymore-

[Romeo grabs Mercutio’s sword and stabs Tybalt, killing him instantly]

Benvolio (Jake): What the fuck are y’all doing!

Romeo (Hyunjin): Dang, I actually killed him. Oh, fuck!

Benvolio (Jake): Run! Run away like a chicken!

[Exit Romeo running away like a chicken]
[Enter Prince Escalus, The Lord and Lady Montague and Capulet]

Mommy Montague: What happened here?

Benvolio (Jake): (mutters to himself) Why do I always end up being the smart one?

Prince Escalus: Speak, young man!

Benvolio (Jake): Aight, so listen. That Tybalt headass came looking for a fight and killed Mercutio. Romeo and I tried to calm them down, but the deed was done. Therefore, Romeo got all mad, and killed Tybalt, too, fast and furious.

Mommy Capulet: I bet it’s because Mercutio had instigated our young Tybalt!

Mommy Montague: Your Tybalt-Whybalt wasn’t a kid! He should’ve controlled himself.

Mommy Capulet: Control your kid first, old witch!

Mommy Montague: (gasps) What did you call me!

Benvolio (Jake): Did no one hear me?

Prince Escalus:
Once again, your tomfoolery has proven me wrong
About how reckless the youth is;
I thought they were just horny for a schlong,
Because I’d only ever seen them kiss.
Yet, today, this murder has awakened me,
From a long, long, serene slumber;
Romeo is banished, and killed, if the need be,
For he couldn’t commit an act dumber.

Benvolio (Jake): (speechless) …what… why is Romeo banished?

Prince Escalus: Because I’m biased.

[Exit Prince Escalus]

Benvolio (Jake): Bro has the worst luck ever.