I'm not okay
I feel so scattered
Don't say I'm all that matters

TRIGGER WARNING
THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS BLADES AND BLOOD

I was standing naked in the middle of the forest, cold breeze hitting my skin like tiny needles stabbing me. I looked at my shoulder and Jaxon's mark was gone.
I heard howls of wolves and somehow I knew they were rogues. Rogues that were coming to kill me. My first instinct was to run and I did.

I ran inside the endless forest bare feet. Woods pricking my feet but I pay no attention to them, just trying to survive. But because of the blood dripping down my skin, I knew they could smell me. I knew they could hear me too no matter how much I ran. But I did. I run as fast I could.

I came to a halt to this giant oak tree. Healthy with the greenest leaves I've seen. As the wind breezes through them, I can hear whispers coming from the old roots, calling my name again and again and again. The whisper made my body ache and made my chest tight that made it hard to breathe. It kept calling my name but then stopped when suddenly a pair of golden eyes came into my sight. Staring at me. Staring at me naked. It didn't provide me the comfort like Jaxon's- no. It's scared me to my core.

I turn around and I start running- running away from it. Running away from the beast that I knew would hurt me no matter what.

Suddenly, I was wrapped in this giant tornado, making me nauseous. I scream for help but no one came. I close my eyes thinking I'd wake up from this nightmare when I suddenly end up in a bed, on gold silk sheets. Our cabin. I sigh a breath of relief, but something was wrong. Wrong.
I crawled off the bed as I stood there, looking in my mirror. I felt a kiss on my shoulder but it burned. I couldn't see anyone behind me in the mirror but I felt the kiss that stung my skin like cigarette burns. They weren't painful but they were there.

Hands snake on my bare stomach. Pale hands, not tan. The right hand stroked my stomach, traced the circle of my navel and I watched as the touch of the stroke burned black. I heard a whisper in my ear "My little rabbit." My eyes widen and I turn around to find him, smiling down at me. He puts his hand on my cheek and my skin sizzles.

He grabs me and throws me on the mattress. I bounce once but then my arms and legs are shackled to the bedpost with silver chains.

He crawls on top of me, staring at my body with his grey eyes and no shame in them. I tried to move- tried to free myself but it was no point. He stroked his knuckles from my cheek, making a straight line down to my chest, stomach, and thigh. Leaving a trail of burned lines. Tainting me. He leans in, whispers in my ear "I've been waiting for this day for ten whole years, my love." And kisses down my neck. Every kiss stung to the point I whimpered in pain.

He trails his kisses down my chest and stomach, to my thigh, watching and enjoying every time I whimper in burning pain. I thrashed but I couldn't free myself. His hand on my thigh tightens and he keeps me in place. But the pain- oh god, the pain with his hand is what made me scream the loudest as my skin sizzled like meat on a pan. And he enjoyed every minute of it.

Then I hear his voice "This wouldn't have happened if you had just told me, Care." I open my eyes to Jaxon standing behind him, disappointment in his eyes but then he growls soothingly "Wake up, baby. You need to wake up."

I heard a loud growl as I close my eyes, telling myself to wake the fuck up!

I woke up panting, felt like I couldn't breathe anymore. I felt... wet.

I looked around and I was in our bedroom. I looked up at Jaxon and he was holding me, looking all worried. His canines extended as his chest growls, his eyes red. The same growl that pulled me back from the nightmare.

I ask as I lean my head against his shoulder, try to comfort myself "What happened?" He replied gently stroking my hair "You were screaming in your sleep." I pull back and whisper "Sorry that I woke you up." He removes a strand of my hair from my forehead "Are you okay, baby?" His brown eyes worried for me. I stuttered"I'm f-fine. J-just a bad n-nightmare." He turned on the lamp on his side "You're all wet, Caroline." I look down at myself and his gray shirt that I wore was drenched in sweat. My hair was sticking to my temple, my neck was sweaty, and sweat drops trailed down from my hairline to my brows. I asked as I grab the water bottle from the side table before taking a sip "What time is it?" He answers "Almost four." I nod "I'm gonna take a shower, okay?" I try to get up but he stopped me by his hands on my waist "Aren't you gonna tell me what you saw?" I smiled at him and pecked his lips"Later. After I take a good cold shower, Okay?"
He just nodded and I get up to go to the bathroom.

I looked at myself in the mirror and it looked like someone had thrown water on me. Sweats stain under my arms, chest, neck, and back. My cheeks were red to the point it looked like someone had slapped me across the face. I took off his shirt and let it drop on the white clean tiles as my eyes drop to my burn marks and I couldn't stop thinking about how disgusting they were. The skin that got tainted in my nightmare was almost visible in the mirror too. They felt itchy for some reason.

I started scratching them. Scratching to the point thinking that maybe I can peel the burned marks off.

Maybe I can. I have to try.
Maybe I can peel it all off.

I scratch and scratch and scratch but nothing. It wouldn't peel off. Why?! What else could I peel off my skin with? I look at the shower and I thought maybe hot water and exfoliating would help.

I ran to the stand-in shower and turned on the water in the hottest setting. I could see the steam already fogging the shower glass as I put a finger under the water and pulled back, hissing as my skin burned, turning my finger red

Red... this could help me. This could remove the marks and it'll be like nothing ever happened. With my teeth clenched to preserve me from screaming, I walked in, standing under the boiling water, letting it burn the marks off my skin.
I picked up the loofah from the hook and put a good dollop of Jaxon's coconut body wash on it and started scrubbing myself like a crazy person. Even though the force felt like sandpaper on my skin but this was better. I could peel it.

I needed to get away from this layer of skin. I had to peel it or melt it away. This skin was touched by him. It needs to be gone. Gone for Jaxon. But it wasn't working. WHY WON'T THIS WORK?! Why wasn't the skin peeling off?

I tried scrubbing my thigh with both hands as the water burned my scalp but it wouldn't peel off. I tried scratching the skin again with my nails but it wouldn't peel.

I let the loofah go and walked out of the shower to grab Jaxon's razor in a cup holder and then walking back in. As I remove the detachable blade from the head, I angled it on my thigh, right on that mark, and dive the sharp blade into it. Like peeling the skin of an apple. I almost smile because it was working. It was finally working.

Suddenly, the shower door pulls open and Jaxon takes away the blade. He screams at me "Are you crazy?!" I hold my hand out and warn him "Give me the blade." His jaw clenches and his eyes remain on my thigh as blood drips down on it to my calf. I say again but this time with frustration "Give me the damn blade, Jaxon." He walks in, closing the water, and turns me around "You fucking burned yourself?!" I push him away and say it again "GIVE ME THE FUCKING BLADE!" I huff "Fine, then use your claws to peel my skin." He looks at me like I had grown two horns. I grab his hand and push my thumb right in the middle of his palm as his claws extend. I angle his claws on the burns on my chest and encourage him "Peel it. Come on, do it for me." I try to push his hand so it would tear my skin but he was stronger, he kept his hand leveled. I went tried pushing his claws down but he wouldn't budge.

I let his hand go and push him away. Walking towards the sink, not caring if I left water and blood trails behind me. I open the cabinet and take out another of his disposable razor, detaching the blade again. But in seconds, the blade is thrown out of my hands and he turns me around. His hand grabbed my neck as he looks in my eyes with his red glowing ones and says with a low threatening growl "Stop it." He throws the blade in the garbage can and goes down to analyze the brutal cut I just made. But I push him on the ground with my leg as my chest falls and raises with every bit of rage.

He stays on his ass until he closes his eyes, controlling his anger, and then stands up to his full height, hovering over me. I don't look back at him at all and I don't even show any kind of emotion on my face. I just stand straight like a soldier looking ahead.
He just grabs the white towel from the rack and wraps his around my body. Hosting me up in his arms, he walks out of the bathroom and gently placed me on the bed, and walking back again. He comes out with water in a glass bowl, hand towels, cotton, a bottle of lotion, and a roll of bandages.

He kneels on the floor in front of me but as he grabs my ankle, I try to move my leg away but his grip on it keeps me in place. He first dips the towel in warm water and cleans the drops of blood on my ankle and my calves and then my thigh. Turning the white towel almost dark pink and patches of red. With the cotton, he cleans gently around the cut before putting gauze on them and wrapping the bandage around my thigh.

After he's done, he looks up at me, and not even once do I stare him back. He grabs the towel and pulls it down my chest, rubbing the lotion where I had burned myself with the hot water which did soothe.
He grabbed the things and walks back into the bathroom and then comes back again with empty hands, walking behind me to the closet and coming back with his black t-shirt. He instructs "Arms up." But I don't listen to him. He kneels on the floor again, pushing each arm in the armhole and then sliding the shirt on my body.

After he's done, he stays kneeled and pushes a strand of my wet hair behind my ear. His eyes were soft and his voice gentle "Why would you do that?" I whip my head at him and bare my teeth "I was doing this for both of us. Not once did I had a selfish thought. I was doing this for you, Jaxon." His voice remains gentle and calm even though I knew it took an immense amount of control over his anger "What are you talking about?" I smile "I feel bad for you sometimes, you know? Big bad Alpha Prince stuck with a mate like me. Do you think your Moon Goddess blessed you? Ha! She cursed your poor wolf soul. She played with you and Tanner." I lean closer to his face and he doesn't dare move an inch and I knew he could feel my hot breaths against his lips "She played you. She played you real good. Got you stuck with a broken and used piece of shit human." He grabs my face gently, kissing my chin, and said "Baby, don't say that." I put my hand on his chest, pushing him- creating some distance between us as I snort.

I pull down the sleeve to show him his mark "Have I ever told you how much I hate this mark? It's like a brand on me, like you're telling people I'm your property. You're the perfect example of an Alpha male and what's funny is that you are literally an Alpha." My gaze went down to the ring around his neck "You gave that ring to the wrong person, Jaxon Moon. That ring was meant for someone strong, honest, and happy... Amara would be the perfect example. You two deserve each other, you know? She could even make a better Luna Queen." He grabs my face again and says with his voice on the edge of cracking "Caroline, I love you. Please don't say this. I know you don't mean any of it. This is not you. This is not my Caroline." I grab his face the same way he grabbed mine and laughed at him "Stupid man." His throat bobbed as I continued "Reject me Jaxon. Free me and yourself from this burden that you worship so much."

I push him again on the ground and stand up, almost limping my way to the closet. I grabbed my suitcase and started putting my clothes inside it.

I didn't mean anything I said but this was better. This was a better way to save his life. Even though every word pained me so much to the point I wanted to rip my hair out of my scalp and scream and cry. The pain could only be healed if I drink myself to death.

I heard him behind me "What are you doing?" I answered without looking back "I'm leaving." He grabs my arm and turns me around to him. His eyes glossy, his brows knitted together "You promised. You promised that you wouldn't leave me again." I shrug like it means nothing "Didn't your daddy ever told you not to trust humans? Because if you do, they will hunt you down and stuff your head and pin you to their walls." He gently puts his hand on my cheek and almost breaks. I don't dare lean into his touch "Tell me how to fix it and I will. I swear, just tell me what you want and I will do it for you. Just tell me how to fix this- you." He was crying because of the confusion I was creating in his head.

I ask "You wanna know how to fix me?" He nods his head desperately "Reject me. Peel your mark off my skin and then kill me." He shakes his head, crying for me. And I hated him so much because I was on the verge of breaking down too. I grit my teeth "Fine, I'll do it."

Then I began saying the words of rejection "I, Caroline Quinn, rejects you, Jax-" he quickly puts his over my mouth "I won't let you do it." I pry his hand off of my mouth "You don't own me, Jaxon. I have free will."

"In this, you don't. Don't you dare finish that sentence."

"What are you gonna do? Kill me?"

"No... but I will kill myself and I will make you bury my body."

His eyes held a promise. I shove him back and take off his shirt, standing there naked "Then peel it off. Peel these marks off and I won't leave you. DO IT!" He just stays silent like a mannequin. I shove him and shout "Coward!" I shove again "Fucking coward!" Tears streaming down my cheeks as I beg him "Can't you see how much pain I am in?" I shove again "Can't you at least take it away?"
As I'm about to shove him again, he grabs a hold of my hands and says "If you don't tell me where it hurts the most, then how can I take it away?" He puts his hands on my cheek, his thumb stroking my cheekbone "Tell me where it hurts and I'll take it all away."

PLAY THE SONG

"That's the thing. The only way you can take it away is when you kill me. I'm sorry, but that's the truth. I'm not a strong human mate that you thought, Jaxon. I'm the most broken human being on this planet. A human that your Moon Goddess burdened you with. A human that was used before in ways you can't imagine."

I pull away and take a couple of steps away from him. My arms wide as I cry and yell "You were burdened with a raped human, Jaxon!" I pointed down to my frame "This body that you find comfort in had been forcefully used by another man!" I open my arms again "This girl is the downfall to your werewolf pride and throne. HERE I AM, JAXON MOON! The girl who's too weak for your good. The girl who acts tough but is the most pathetic and weakest being. The girl who deserves to be rejected by you and your wolf! Here I am, Jaxon Moon. What the fuck are you waiting for?!"

I practically scream this time "Do it! Reject me! Reject me, peel your mark off my skin, and then bury me alive. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU WAITING FOR?!" I waited a second for him to say something, but he just walks to me, wrapping his arms around my waist and pulling me into a hug. A reaction that I didn't expect, not even once. Before I could break down, I started thrashing, I started pushing him away but he was strong. I screamed "Let me go! This is not how this is supposed to happen. Let me go!" His arms just tighten around me but I keep hitting him hard on the back "Let me go!" But he whispers in my ear "No, I love you." And that sentence makes me go limp. It takes all the fight and anger away from me until I'm left with nothing but utter sadness. I couldn't hold it in anymore. No matter how much I try biting my lip, I couldn't hold it in. And he knew- he knew when he whispered "I'm here, baby. I'm here for you." I let myself break down. I screamed my pain, my sadness. I screamed my guilt and my burdens of life.

My knees gave in and I fell onto the ground. But not once did he let go of me. I wrap my arms around his neck and bury my face in it, crying as I begged "Please don't let me go." He pushes himself away and says "Caroline, you are my everything. My soul, my heart, and my goddess-given solace. You're my happiness and my freedom. I don't deserve a woman like you, but goddess knows I'm selfish to give you up. And this wolf will make you a promise today. I will bring whoever that fucker who hurt you. I will make him kneel in front of you and I promise that you will be the one to finish him off. All I need is a name." I trembled "I can't. Because I'm afraid that he's going to take me away from you."

"But you have me right here with you."

"I know but I don't want you to leave me, Jax. Because once you do, he'll come back. And when he does, he'll take me away."

I pull him into a hug "Please don't let him take me away. Please don't let him near me. Please don't leave me."

X

I don't know for how long did we stay on the floor hugging. But he gently pushes me away when I'm done crying- when I'm numb. He takes off his shirt and puts it on me. His warmth lingering the fabric.

He gently picks me up and walks towards our bed. Gently laying down on my back and getting in beside me. His arms drape across my stomach and he pulls me to his side, him laying on his stomach gazing at me. His thumb strokes smoothly on my stomach as I stare up at the ceiling. My naked legs were covered with thick sheets.

I turn my head to my side, our nose almost touching as I say "I'm sorry for blowing up on you." He shakes his head, his hand cradling the back of my head as he pulls me for a kiss and says "You did nothing wrong that you have to apologize to me. But you need to stop thinking that rejecting you is the only answer. I won't let you go till I take my last breath, Caroline." He sits up "And to prove that I won't ever let you go," he takes off his chain and pulls the ring out "this ring holds my promise." I pull out my left hand but his brows furrow.

Originally, this ring was meant to be worn on the ring finger but because he wanted to take things slow, he let me wear it on the right no matter how much he hated it. But it was time.

I say "I won't wear this ring anywhere else but here." He asks "You sure?" I nod my head "Marry me, Jaxon Moon. Marry me and love me till the day my hair turns grey. Love me till the day I die with a smile on my face knowing that I love you and was loved by you." He smiles "You mean it?" I nod "With every ounce of my soul."

He slides the ring down my left-hand ring finger and I feel this shiver inside me. A shiver of delight. He says "Marked and engaged, it will change your scent." He leans on top of me, gently kissing me.
I hiss against his lips as I feel the sting of the cut on my thigh and he apologizes for it. I just stare at this silly wolf and hook my finger through his necklace, pulling him down to kiss me again.

He is my solace too.

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