As much as Robin hated to admit it, his mum was right. Taking a break from revising had done him a world of good, and he felt ready to tackle his studies with a fresh set of eyes. The words didn't seem to blur as much on the page, and his notes were resembling something more legible than the rushed note-taking of a madman. Or maybe it was just the giddy feeling fluttering in his stomach whenever he thought about the fact that he now had a boyfriend. Not just any boyfriend, but Yohan.

     Yet, there was still the awkward situation looming over his head—Jemma. Knowing that Lucy, Amber, and Isha seemed okay with everything, especially after he was added to an additional private group chat with just the four of them, gave him some relief.

     They had been genuinely happy for him when he shared that he'd come out to his parents and that he and Yohan were now officially together. They even smiled at him when they spotted each other in the corridor now, even though he was still banned from spending lunch with them, and Jemma was still pretending that he didn't exist. 

     Then there was Ashley. He knew he had to tell her, but he wasn't sure how she would respond.

    "Hmm... maybe I was wrong about him," she said over the phone after Robin filled her in on coming out to his parents and the camping trip—brushing over the more explicit details. "But I still need to meet him before he gets my full approval."

    "You're like a weird, overprotective parent, Ashley."

    "I just care about you, Robin, especially when it comes to your first boyfriend coming from a weird, messy, fucked-up love triangle." She paused, as if weighing up her next words. "Anyways, have you even thought about what you're going to do when you go to university? Are you planning on doing long distance?"

    Robin's heart sank. He'd be lying if he said he hadn't thought about it, but it felt so far off—at least another seven—no—five months. Maybe even four, depending on his family's summer holiday plan. It loomed closer than he'd realised.

    "I mean, Bristol Uni is my second choice after Durham," he said, chewing on the inside of his cheek, leaning back in his desk chair. "So, if I don't get into Durham, it'll be fine. He's staying in Bristol, so."

     There was a grumbling sound from Ashley on the other end of the line.

    "Don't go to a university you don't want to just because you've got a boyfriend."

    "I know, Ashley. I won't. I'm just saying that maybe staying in Bristol wouldn't be so bad? I've not even been here a year, and I like it. Moving to a whole new city just because it has a better university might not be the best idea. Especially one as far as Durham."

    "Robin Coy, is that you?" She exclaimed theatrically. "You, thinking about something other than your academic success? Wow, this Yohan has really done a number on you."

    "Shut up, Ashley," he replied, a smile creeping onto his face despite himself. "I'm not saying I'm actually going to stay. Just thinking about it." 

    "Umm, I see." She said, still slightly grumbling. "Well, I'll have to come visit after exams to see if this Yohan has really been worth all the pain and stress you've gone through, not even to mention my worry. But you bet he's going to get a hard fucking grilling from me."

     "I wouldn't expect anything else." 

♡.﹀﹀﹀﹀.♡

    Robin wasn't sure what to expect from visiting his boyfriend's grandmother's grave—let alone the expectation on him. But after talking it over with his mum, he'd decided to bring flowers. White lilies. He hoped she had liked them.

    Arriving outside Yohan's block of flats a little earlier than planned—probably because his nerves had pushed him along—he texted to say he was there. Yohan replied quickly, saying he'd be down in five minutes. So, Robin waited by the entrance gate, his mind buzzing with thoughts of the day ahead. He wasn't sure what it would feel like, but he wanted to be there for Yohan, no matter what.

    A few minutes passed, and as he kicked at some pebbles scattered across the pavement, he looked up and noticed a woman crossing the car park. He didn't think much of it—just someone heading into the flats. But when she got to the entrance, she didn't pull out a key. Instead, she rang one of the buzzers, waiting, her foot tapping restlessly against the ground.

    She shot Robin a polite, tight-lipped smile, the kind strangers gave each other. Something about her seemed oddly familiar. She was tall for a woman, slender, with thick black curls that fell just past her shoulders. If Robin had to guess, she was in her mid-thirties, but her face told a story of someone who'd lived a lot more than her years. Her eyes were sunken, her cheekbones too sharp, like she'd been worn down by life.

     Robin was just about to tell her that the buzzers didn't work when he heard the familiar thudding of boots coming down the concrete stairs inside. 

     Moments later, Yohan appeared at the gate, buzzing it open, his face lighting up when he saw Robin and walked through.

      "Hey, Robin, I—" His words cut off abruptly as his gaze shifted. His expression hardened in an instant.

     "Sarah." His voice was almost a whisper at first, but then it quickly shifted, hard and icy. "What the fuck are you doing here?"

    The woman blinked, looking startled. "Yohan, you've... you've grown."

     "Yeah, funny how that happens," Yohan said bitterly as the gate closed behind him with a dramatic slam. "Kids grow up."

     She glanced at Robin awkwardly, like she hadn't expected an audience.

     "Who's your friend?" she asked, her voice trembling slightly. The foot tapping had stopped, but she had started fiddling with a loose thread on her navy cardigan while her arms were crossed. 

     "He doesn't matter," Yohan snapped. "What I want to know is why you think you can just show up here. Unannounced."

     "I thought... maybe we could visit Mum together," she stammered, her voice shaky. She was staring at the ground. "With Dad—your grandad. And maybe... I don't know, talk?"

      Yohan's jaw tightened. A vein Robin had only seen once before protruded from his temple.

      "And why would I want to do that?"

      "I—" She stopped abruptly, noticing Robin standing there, watching. "Yohan, please, can we talk privately?"

     "No," Yohan said, grabbing Robin's wrist and pulling him away without another word. The suddenness of it made Robin nearly drop the flowers he was holding, but he was too shocked by what had just unfolded to protest. Yohan didn't let go until they reached the edge of the car park, and even then, he kept walking, his pace quick and urgent. Robin tried to keep up, but he found himself almost skipping just to match Yohan's strides—which felt wildly inappropriate given the circumstances.

     "Yohan..." Robin called out as gently as he could, trying not to push too hard. He was still several steps ahead, his shoulders stiff and his posture tense. "Slow down. Are... are you okay?"

     Yohan came to an abrupt stop. They were in the middle of the pavement next to a busy road of cars. It wasn't clear if it was because he'd heard Robin or if he'd just realised how fast he was going, nearly running. His back was to Robin, but his shoulders moved up and down in quick, uneven bursts—he was breathing heavily.

     "I... I..." Yohan stammered, unable to get the words out.

     Robin caught up to him, stepping around to see his face. Yohan's eyes were wide with panic, his breaths shallow and fast. His whole body seemed locked in place, like he was frozen in the moment, trapped by his own thoughts.

     "I think you're having a panic attack," Robin said softly, his voice steady and calm. He reached for Yohan's hand, which was cold, stiff, and clammy. Robin glanced around, spotting a bench under a small tree on a patch of grass nearby. He led Yohan toward it, guiding him carefully as though any wrong step might shatter him completely.

     "Breathe slowly," Robin said once they were seated on the bench, placing the flowers beside him. "In through your nose, out through your mouth. Just like that."

     Yohan's breathing was still rapid and shaky, his head buried in his hands, one knee bouncing uncontrollably. Robin placed a hand on his back, gently drawing slow circles with his palm, as if to try and rub the panic currently consuming his body.

     "Sit up straight," he urged quietly. "It'll help you get more air."

      Yohan did as Robin said, leaning back against the bench, his eyes squeezed shut as he tried to control his breathing. His breaths came in short, ragged bursts, and his knee was still bouncing uncontrollably, but slowly, they began to even out. Tears streaked down his face, his chest heaving with each shallow breath.

     Robin stayed beside him, gripping Yohan's hand tightly, like he was worried his was about to run away again.

     "You're okay," he whispered, his voice steady. "I'm here. Just breathe."

      A few moments passed, and with each guided breath, Yohan's breathing slowly returned to something resembling normal. But the crying didn't stop. Robin hadn't seen him cry like this since that night in the alleyway.

     "I'm sorry," Yohan choked out between sobs, his voice breaking. He leaned forward, burying his face in his hands again. "That's never happened before. What the fuck was that?"

     "I think you had a panic attack," Robin repeated gently, sure Yohan probably hadn't heard him earlier.

     "Are you sure?" He said between sniffles. "It felt like I was having a heart attack."

      "Not a heart attack, pretty sure of that." Robin said, shuffling a little closer to Yohan on the bench to wrap an arm around his shoulder. "I used to get them when I was younger."

     "Oh," Yohan muttered. "Well, panic attacks are fucking horrible, not to mention embarrassing." He leaned back, wiping furiously at his tear-streaked face. "This is fucking embarrassing."

     "Don't be silly, Yohan." He squeezed his shoulder a little tighter. "It's not embarrassing at all. It happened. It's not your fault."

     Yohan sniffed, his breaths still shaky as he tried to compose himself.

     "I'm sorry I grabbed you. I—" He stumbled over his words, his gaze darting away. "I just needed to leave. I needed to get out. I didn't think—I haven't seen her in years."

     "Was that your mum?" he asked softly, though he already knew the answer.

     Yohan nodded, his expression hard but tears still escaping the corners of his eyes.

     "Yeah. Not that she fucking deserves that title."

     Robin hesitated for a moment, glancing at Yohan's tear-streaked face.

     "Do you want to... talk about it?"

      Yohan stared straight ahead, watching the cars pass by on the street. A dogwalker and a woman with a pram strolled by, both clearly making a deliberate effort not to look at the two boys on the bench, especially the one who had been crying. Classic English politeness.

     "I—" Yohan started, then paused. "I don't know. I mean—there's not much to say. She's just... I don't even know why I'm crying. I don't give a shit about her. She never gave a shit about me." Robin could hear his breathing starting to quicken again.

     "You don't have to say anything if you don't want to," Robin said gently. "It sounds like your relationship with her is... complicated."

     Yohan let out a shaky laugh, the tears slowing but his eyes still red and raw.

     "Yeah, you can say that again." He wiped at his face. "Can we just go see my gran? It's only about a ten-minute walk from here."

     "Okay, sure. If you feel ready."

     "I do."