Trigger Warning

//

Drug use; marijuana, cocaine.
Domestic violence.

Wait to start the song.

Before the next morning, Josh had a place to stay. He barely had enough time to finish his explanation on what had happened before Hayley told him to shut up and start moving his things in. Between the four of them already at Josh's, Hayley, Ashley and Dominic, it took less than a whole day to get all of Josh's things into one of the spare bedrooms at the Hayley's and the rest of his mother's things in storage. The house was almost heartbreakingly empty by the time the sun went down, and as his friends were putting the last piece of furniture in Dominic's Jeep, Josh stood in the center of the living room and took a deep breath.

He grew up in the house. This house was the only one he'd ever known. He'd taken his first steps near the fireplace, gotten his first bruise by falling on his face on the kitchen floor, had his height measured all the way up until he was sixteen carved into the door frame leading into the kitchen, and even had hand prints pressed in the concrete of the back porch. This was his home. Without his mom, though, he knew this would never be a home to him again. It's good that he's leaving.

"Josh," Tyler said gently as he walked into the vacant room with him, "are you ready to go?"

Josh took one more longing look around the room before grabbing the last backpack of his stuff and slinging it over his shoulder. "Yeah," he said softly, his voice breaking. "Yeah, I'm ready."

Tyler walked over to him and wrapped him in a tight hug before pressing a kiss to his lips and leading him out of the house. They locked the door behind them, Josh stuffing the house key into his backpack as they walked to the Jeep and climbed in the backseat, driving off toward his new home. They put the rest of Josh's mother's things in the storage unit before heading to Hayley's, and once they were there everyone stayed to help Josh decorate his new room. There wasn't even a chance that they were going to leave him alone in a time like this, and if they could at least make him smile once, then they were doing a good job.

Once they finished setting up the room, everyone except for Tyler and Josh left to go into the kitchen to order food for all of them. Josh sat on his bed, back against the wall and legs outstretched in front of him as he stared at the room. Tyler gently closed the door before climbing on the bed and sitting next to Josh, but far enough away for him to fall over and lay his head in Tyler's lap. Things were quiet for a moment, Tyler softly running his fingers through Josh's hair and humming softly before Josh said, "Everything's changing."

Tyler stopped humming but continued petting his hair as he spoke back to him. "Sorry?"

Josh sighed gently. "I knew," he started softly, "that once I graduated high school, things would be different. I'd move out, go to school, leave my job and get a new one, all the usual stuff. But, now, things are changing too fast, and not in the way they're supposed to. I lost my mom. I lost my home. I lost myself or a moment yesterday. I feel I don't even know who I am anymore. Everything is changing, and I haven't even been graduated from high school for two weeks. What's gonna happen to me?"

Tyler rested one of his hands on the side of Josh's face, delicately stroking his cheek bone with the pad of his thumb. "You're going to live," he whispered back airily. "Life threw you the hardest curve ball it could, but you have a choice. You can either swing and pray you hit it, or you can let it hit you. You're stronger than you give yourself credit for, Josh. I've been paying attention these last tow days. Anyone else I know would've just given up, but you're trying. And that means something. You may not realize it yet, but it means a lot."

Josh felt his eyes burn slightly as he curled into himself, still lying in Tyler's lap. "Will you tell me that I'm doing well," he whispered, "please? I just need to know that I'm going to be okay."

Tyler positioned the two of them so they were laying down with Josh's back flush to Tyler's chest as Tyler's arms were wrapped tightly around Josh's waist. "You're doing so well, Josh," he whispered, pressing small, encouraging kisses to the back of Josh's neck. "You're going to be okay. I know you will. You're so strong, strong enough to get through this. You're going to be okay. You're going to be okay."

Josh let out quiet sobs as he allowed Tyler to just hold him an whisper words of encouragement to him. He didn't know how much he believed them, but Tyler's soothing voice in his ear was enough to subdue him for the time being. Whether or not he believed that he was going to be okay, he had to try. He couldn't give up yet.

* * *

"So," Hayley said with a mouthful of pizza, "since our plans have changed, what do you guys want to do tonight?"

Tyler held Josh's hand gently under the table as Josh looked around confused. "We could watch another movie," Ashley suggested. "I'm still trying to get Dom to watch Bohemian Rhapsody with me, so we could watch that."

"We could play Twister," Ryan suggested.

"Do you really wanna play Twister after what happened last time," Brendon asked with a teasing glint in his eyes.

Ryan subconsciously rubbed his nose, looked at his pizza and shoved it away, suddenly appetite-less as he unscrewed his soda and took a drink. "No," he grumbled, earning a soft laugh from Brendon.

"Wait," Josh chimed in softly, causing each of them to turn and look at him. "Why are the plans changed? What were the plans?"

Everyone around him looked kind of guilty, heads bowing toward the table. Before he could ask again, Dominic spoke up. "We were gonna throw a party tonight," he said softly, just barely meeting Josh's eyes. "We kind of all agreed that now probably wouldn't be the best time."

Josh let out a small but exasperated sigh. "Guys..."

"Josh, it wouldn't be fair to you," Brendon said lightly. "We can't just continue on like everything is okay--"

"But I don't want everything to be drastically different," Josh answered back, trying to reason with him. "Yes, something traumatic happened, but that doesn't mean that our lives don't still go on. It doesn't mean that I'm suddenly this fragile being who needs to be handled with kid gloves. Having a party and being at the party won't mean that I don't care that I lost my mom, it just means that I'm trying to still be normal. I don't want want you guys to treat me any differently."

All of his friends looked guilty again, but this time for different reasons. Josh turned and looked at the clock hanging on the wall, noticing it was only half past eight. "Look," he said, "there's still time for people to show up and have a good time, even with the late start. Please, don't let your routines change just because you think I need to be catered to. Please?"

The remaining people around the table all nodded and started pulling out their phones, sending texts and making calls. "I know you guys are trying to help," he said softly, "and I really appreciate that. I honestly can't thank you guys enough for what you're doing for me and how you've been for me, and not just through this. You guys mean a lot to me. So, thank you."

Everyone raised their drinks and smiled back at him. "To Josh," Ryan called out, Josh smiling widely as everyone cheered and clinked their drinks together.

A few minutes later, there was a knock on the door and Hayley set her drink down, smiling broadly. "Let's get this party started!"

* * *

Everything seemed normal, and Josh felt so relieved at that. He didn't want special treatment just because his mom died. He just wanted to miss her and grow from her passing. He'll never stop loving her, but he can't grieve forever.

The party was going it's usual pace; people playing beer pong filled one room, some other drinking game in another, friends gathering on the back porch to pass around joints and share cigarettes and himself and his friends standing around the kitchen island, laughing as they passed a blunt around them. Tyler leaned in to Josh's ear, telling him he was going to the bathroom and pressing a quick kiss to his lips before disappearing down the hall. Josh smiled as he walked away, taking the blunt from Ryan as it was passed to him. "Thank you guys," he said as he took a long drag. "I needed this."

He took one more drag, holding in the inhale as he passed it to Hayley, who smiled at him. "Hey" she said with a bright smile, "as long as you're happy and taking care of yourself. We love you, Joshua."

Josh smiled, giving her a one-armed hug. "I love you guys, too."

It'd been about 10 minutes since Tyler went to the bathroom and he still wasn't back yet. A cold feeling was settling in Josh's chest. This situation felt oddly familiar. But, no. Tyler wouldn't-- Not after what happened yesterday with Josh. He couldn't. He wouldn't.

Would he?

Brendon noticed the shift in Josh's face from across the island and furrowed his brows. "Josh," he said softly. "Hey, man, what's going on?"

Josh hooked his thumb over his shoulder, pointing toward the hallway. "Did you see Tyler come out of the bathroom? He left, like, 10 minutes ago."

Brendon shook his head. "No, but," he started, looking confused, "I could've swore I just saw Wentz walking that way, but I--" He cut himself off, sighing disbelievingly. "Oh, shit."

Josh knew that 'oh, shit.' That was the 'oh, shit' Brendon used when he caught on to something. The 'oh, shit' that confirmed Josh's fears because he knew Wentz. He knew his reputation. He turned around from the island, ignoring Brendon's calls as he headed straight for the bathroom. he didn't even knock on the door before he twisted the knob and practically shoved it open just in time to see Tyler coming up from the sink, a slight smear of white powder on his nose.

"Josh," Tyler started fearfully, only for Josh to cut him off.

"Shut up," he practically growled. He turned to Wentz, who looked terrified like Josh was the cops or something and pointed out of the bathroom. "You, out. Now."

Wentz didn't hesitate to leave the bathroom in a rush, leaving Josh and Brendon standing in the doorway with a guilty looking Tyler standing on the other side of the sink, far away from Josh. Josh sighed. "Brendon, leave me with him for a minute."

"Josh, I don't--"

"Please," he said a bit harshly, voice thick with emotion.

Brendon didn't say anything, just nodded and walked back down the hallway as Josh walked into the bathroom and closed the door, locking it behind him. Tyler looked afraid for his life, Like Josh would hurt him. Josh sighed heavily, looking at the cocaine still on the surface of the sink and in the almost empty bag lying next to it. He looked at Tyler for a second before grabbing the bag and turning on the sink.

"Josh," Tyler said in a panic. "Josh, what are you doing?"

Josh didn't answer, just turned the bag upside down and poured it into the stream of water, hearing Tyler swear behind him.

"Why the fuck are you doing that, Josh," he exclaimed, trying to push past Josh in an effort to stop him.

Josh kept an arm in the way of him and Tyler, keeping him pushed back as he emptied the entire bag down the drain.

"Josh, stop!" Tyler was sounding desperate at this point. "Josh, I need that!"

"You don't fucking need this shit, Tyler," he said back to him, an edge in his voice as he tried to keep it level.

Tyler continued yelling behind him as he was pushing the lines Tyler had left on the sink carefully into the stream so he didn't leave any behind for him to get to. As he stared it, he made a decision. If Tyler wasn't going to be affected any other way than seeing Josh do this to himself, he had to do it to himself. He rubbed the tips of two fingers in one of the lines and, as Tyler called out in protest, he stuck the two fingers under his upper lip as all around his gums before pushing the rest into the sink.

As soon as he turned to look at Tyler, he felt a harsh slap come across the side of his face. "What the hell is the matter with you," Tyler screamed in his face. "You know what that shit did to you yesterday, are you crazy?!"

Josh grabbed Tyler by his biceps and pushed him against the wall, watching as fear filled his eyes. "Go ahead and hit me if you want to hit me," he said through gritted teeth. "If hitting me means you'll be doing something other than filling your nose up, be my guest. But don't be a fucking hypocrite when you see someone doing the exact same thing you're doing."

Tyler's eyes were filling with tears as Josh shoved him out of his hands, making sure not to actually hurt him before unlocking the door and swinging it open. He saw Brendon and Hayley standing in the doorway and he shook his head. "I'm going to bed," he mumbled softly. As he got to his door, he stopped and pointed back in the direction of the bathroom. "Don't let him follow me. I don't trust myself right now."

He watched as Brendon nodded before he went to his room and closed and locked the door behind him. He stripped down to his boxers and climbed into bed, throwing the covers over him and running his hands over his face. Even after seeing what had happened to Josh, it still didn't make Tyler want to give up cocaine. Maybe nothing would make him give it up, and the thought of that broke Josh's heart. He sighed to himself as he rolled over to face the wall, silent tears and a hurting heart lulling him to sleep.