Trigger Warning

//

Explicit description of drug use; cocaine, marijuana.
Death.

Start the song. It's Fever Dream by Grayscale.

When Tyler and Ryan came back to the living room, Tyler grabbed Josh's hand and led him back to "their" room, where the both of them immediately climbed into bed and shared a few languid kisses before drifting off to sleep. Tyler's high is most likely what carried him to sleep so easily, but for Josh, he was just tired. He was tired from being high most of the night, but he was also tired because he was sad. He didn't want Tyler to be doing cocaine - he didn't want Ryan to be doing it either, but Ryan could quit if he started while he was ahead. Maybe it was too late for Tyler to quit. Maybe trying to get sober would kill him faster than doing the drugs actually would.

When the morning came, Tyler was up before everyone again, this time making coffee and breakfast for all of them. They all sat around Hayley's kitchen table, laughing and passing a joint around the circle of them. Josh was trying not to think too hard about it, but he just kept picturing what he saw the night before. It made his heart break for himself, but also for Brendon. He didn't exactly seem happy when he told Josh how long Ryan had been doing cocaine, but the most he can do is be supportive and help him quit if it comes down to it. For Josh and Tyler, it probably won't be that easy.

Josh and Tyler left first, Josh needing to get home to shower and get ready before his shift started at work and Tyler asking to drop him off at his house. The entire drive was silent except for Tyler giving Josh directions to his house and Josh confirming them. When they pulled up in front of the house, Tyler didn't get out immediately. Instead, he sighed and spoke softly, not looking at Josh. "Brendon told me you saw last night."

Josh didn't react. He didn't nod, didn't acknowledge that Tyler had even spoken to him for a few minutes.

Tyler spoke up again. "I didn't want you to find out that way, Josh."

"That way," Josh started softly, "or at all?"

Tyler looked slightly taken aback, and slightly hurt. "Josh..."

"Can I ask you something?" Tyler nodded softly as Josh turned to look at him, a look of distress evident on his features. "Were you ever going to tell me?"

Tyler stayed silent for a moment. Josh knew what the answer was, he just really didn't want to hear him say it out loud. "That's not--" he started, shaking his head. "It isn't something you just tell people, Josh. 'Hey, by the way, I do cocaine every now and then. Hope that doesn't bother you.'"

"You could've said exactly that to me and it would've been less of a slap in the face than to actually see you doing it," Josh spoke quietly, a bit of edge to his voice. Tyler didn't say anything back, so Josh continued. "How many drugs do you do?"

Tyler whipped his head back to Josh, brows furrowed and an incredulous look on his face. "That's not fair, Josh," he said, shaking his head again. "You can't just--"

"Let me do it with you, then," Josh cut in, looking at Tyler seriously.

Tyler looked at him with narrowed eyes. "Excuse me?"

"I'm pretty sure you heard me just fine."

Tyler started laughing bitterly. "You can't be serious."

Josh quirked an eyebrow and gave Tyler a challenging glance. "Do I look like I'm joking? Let me do cocaine with you."

Tyler glared at him. "Absolutely not."

Josh shrugged, looking a bit indifferent. "I could always ask Ryan..."

"I said no, Josh," Tyler bit back, glare hardening even more.

"And why not?"

Tyler shook his head again. "You're not going to end up like me," he said, catching Josh a bit off guard. "You've got goals. You're going to college and you're gonna become a fancy ass lawyer and you're gonna work cases to put guys like me in jail. You're not gonna be the ones they put in jail."

Josh laughed humorlessly. "I'm already on the right track to being like you, though, aren't I?" Tyler looked at him like he was stupid as he continued speaking. "I started drinking and smoking weed. It wouldn't be that hard for me to try other drugs now; I'm not too far off. Start popping a few pills and snorting a few lines. It won't make that much of a difference."

Tyler's face was hard and angry. If looks could kill, Josh would be dead right about now. "You're supposed to be smart, Joshua."

Josh gave him a challenging look again. "So, let me get this straight," he said angrily, "you want me to be with you and watch you do all this shit but you don't want me to be like you?"

"I don't want you to ruin your life, Josh!" The proximity of the two of them in the car made Tyler's statement seem even louder then just yelling, but Josh didn't even flinch.

Josh laughed again. "So this," he said, motioning between the two of them, "us being together will ruin my life?"

"Consequently, yes," Tyler said, not backing down.

Josh huffed lightly. "Then maybe we shouldn't do this."

"Fine," Tyler gritted out, exiting the car and slamming the door shut.

As he was walking up his sidewalk to his front door, Josh rolled down the window and called out to him. "For your information," he started, causing Tyler to turn around, "I can ruin my life with or without you."

As he drove off, Tyler felt sick to his stomach. He started calling after him, his voice getting louder as he got farther away as if the pleading tone in his voice would make him turn around even though he couldn't hear him.

* * *

Josh cursed himself the entire way home and as he was getting ready for work. He stood in the shower on the verge of tears as he recounted what had went down between him and Tyler. That was probably the dumbest argument he'd ever had with someone, and it was over something that he knew wouldn't matter in the end. He didn't want to break up with Tyler, he didn't even really want to do cocaine with him. He thought it might make sense to him; either do cocaine with his boyfriend or stop doing it. Apparently it didn't.

He walked to his bedroom with a towel wrapped around his waist, grabbing a joint from the small plastic bag that Ashley had given him and igniting it. He took small drags as he walked around his room, opting for not getting dressed so the smell wouldn't get on his work clothes. Just as he was finishing the spliff, his phone began to ring. He stubbed out the joint and walked over to his phone, furrowing his brows at the number. He didn't know it, but it was local number, so he pressed answer. "Hello?"

"Hello," a male voice said on the other line, "am I speaking with Joshua Dun?"

Josh immediately felt like something was off. He felt his chest knot up as he let out a shaky "Yes?"

"Mr. Dun," the voice continued, "I'm sorry to inform you that there's been an accident..."

Josh spent the next few minutes in shock as he listened to Officer Hoppus explain to him that, while driving to their cabin, his mother and her boyfriend had most likely tried to swerve out of the way of an animal, in turn causing them to lose control of the vehicle. The ran head first into a tree going over 70 miles an hour, caving in the entire front of the vehicle. There was no way either of them could've survived the impact.

After Josh had thanked the officer for calling him, he hung up and sat on his bed, shock filling his entire body. He didn't know what to do. He couldn't fully let it sink in. He picked his phone back up, recalling Ryan mentioning someone named Morris when he was talking to Tyler last night. Josh thought the name sounded familiar, and as he scrolled through his phone, he found a contact he figured was the right one and typed out a text.

---

This is Josh Dun. Are you carrying?

Depends on what you want.

I need some.

Some?

Don't play dumb. Now isn't the time.

8 ball. $65. Address?

---

Josh sent his address and waited for Morris to show up. When he did, he handed Josh a small Velcro bag and Josh handed him a one hundred dollar bill and closed the door before he could say anything. He trudged up the stairs to his room, opening the Velcro bag to reveal a small plastic bag filled with white powder. He untied the string around the top and poured the contents onto his work desk, pulling out his credit card and separating off two reasonably sized lines. Luckily, with his knowledge of movies and the drug videos they'd show during D.A.R.E, he knew how to roll up a bill as tight as he could before leaning over the table and snorting the first line without hesitation.

He had heard people talk about cocaine before. He'd heard people talk about how much of a rush it gave them, how it made some people tired and how it made some people wired, but he'd never head anyone talk about how bad it fucking burns. But he should've expected that. Before he could think too much about it, he took the other line and pinched his nose, trying to find a way to relieve the burn, even if only for a moment.

Once both lines were gone, it was like a switch was flipped and he immediately started sobbing. His mother was gone. Dead. He had just seen her yesterday, and she was perfectly fine, she couldn't be dead. He let himself cry until the high from the cocaine started to hit him, and then he picked his phone back up and shakily typed out a message to Brendon.

---

Mom died.

Josh
please tell me you're fucking joking.

No. I'm not dealing well.

Where are you?

Home. i'm high. Really high.

How much weed did you smoke?

Not weed.

---

Josh didn't get a text back. Or, maybe he did. He couldn't tell. Things were starting to get really hazy, and he couldn't focus on much of anything, much less his phone notifications. In fact, it seemed like no time had passed at all when three figures were charging into his room. He faintly heard Brendon telling Ryan to grab him some clothes from the closet and for Tyler to call his work. It took the three of them to get Josh dressed and as he started to focus, he noticed that Brendon had been crying and that Tyler was currently crying.

Josh reached forward and pulled Tyler to him as they laid him in his bed, Brendon and Ryan saying that they were going into the living room and Brendon was going to call Josh's dad. As they left, Josh clumsily wiped away Tyler's tears. "Too pretty," he mumbled, sounding like he was falling asleep. "Can't cry."

Tyler let out a shaky sob as he held Josh's face in his hands. "Come on, baby," he said softly. "I need you to stay with me, okay? Fall asleep if you need to, but you can't die on me."

Josh nodded. "Won't die," he said. "Mom died, though."

Tyler nodded back. "I know."

Josh shook his head this time, tracing Tyler's lips with the pad of his thumb. "Don't want to fight with you," he said. "Want to be with you. Think I might love you."

Tyler shook his head. "I'm not good to love, Josh," he said shakily. "You are though, and I do love you. Get some rest, please? And don't scare me like this ever again."

"Promise," Josh mumbled softly before slipping right into unconsciousness as Tyler held him, crying softly into his hair at what he almost lost.