Chapter 23

Harry

"Do you want me to get you something to eat?" Felicity asks me as she steps out of the driver's seat, grabbing her purse and zipping up her jacket.

We are stopped at a gas station somewhere in the state of Mississippi. Felicity drove the entire way here, and like we agreed, we're stopping for lunch before it's my turn to drive. It's only just after eleven in the morning, which is just a little early for lunch but we haven't eaten since we left. There were times during the ride that I heard her stomach growl, and in turn mine growled as well. It was like our stomachs were talking to each other about how hungry they were. 

It was strange. 

I did sleep for a short amount of time on the way here. My mind has been so jumbled and the only way I know how to deal with that is to sleep ... or write in my journal but I didn't want to whip that out while there was a high possibility of Felicity looking over to read my writing. I probably need to talk to someone about all that's going on, but there seems to rarely be a time in which I'm not around Felicity. And I don't want to talk to someone about her while she's in the same room.

"I'll just meet you inside after I fill up here," I nod my head as I pick up the gas pump. "I'll be there in a second."

She turns around and heads into the gas station shop. The building is attached to a Subway sandwich place, so we're pretty much killing two birds with one stone on this stop: lunch and gas. Normally I would suggest that we grab sandwiches and go, but I kind of just want to sit for once. It's also not the easiest to eat a sandwich while driving.

As a shiver runs down my spine from the cold air, I hope and pray that this pump isn't as slow as the last station we stopped at. I prop the little stand that holds the handle up to keep the gas pumping and walk off to the side a few feet. 

Pulling out my cell phone, I dial Louis' number in the hopes that he'll pick up. This is my only moment to speak with someone while my travel partner is not around, so he better have a spare minute to talk with me.

After the fourth ring, he picks up the phone.

"Styles!" His voice is loud and peppy, just like his personality. I smile as I think about how moving to California is going to make me miss his energetic and obnoxious self. "How's the trip?"

"Louis, I really, really hate you."

"What the hell did I do?" He sounds so taken aback by my words, and I suppose with the way my own voice came out very monotonous it's justified. 

"You suggested I do this trip with your sister's friend."

He's silent for a moment before his voice comes out full of hesitation. "Is everything okay?"

"Everything is fine. It's more than fine ... sort of. I don't know. I'm frustrated," I sigh as I pinch the bridge of my nose with my thumb and index finger. 

After wanting to have this conversation with someone, I'm feeling confused on how I want to go about it. I don't know what to say or where to start. It's hard to form complete sentences in my head, and I'm pretty sure whatever I say out loud is going to sound ridiculous.

I'm not even sure what I'm expecting out of this conversation. I don't know what I want him to tell me or how I want him to react. I don't even know if I want him to say anything. All I know is that I just need to get this off my chest before the weight of it all suffocates me. If I don't, I might actually explode.

"Okay, you've lost me," Louis pipes up. I can just picture the look of skepticism on his face as he does his infamous eye roll. 

I inhale a deep breath, trying to calm my newfound anxiety as the words escape my mouth. 

"I'm ... I think I really like this girl. I think I actually have ... feelings ... for her."

"You like like her?" I don't even have to see him to know there's a huge smirk across his face. At my silence, he hiccups a laugh as he returns to his lively self. "Aw, does Harry have a crush?!"

"Shut up."

"Breaking news!" He shouts out of pure amusement. My face turns bright red and I'm praying that Felicity can't see me through the shop windows. "Harry Styles likes a girl he hasn't fucked!" He stops for a brief moment, the line going silent before he speaks up. "Wait ... I'm confused. This isn't like you. Did you two do the deed?"

"No," I roll my eyes and huff. Conversations with Louis are such a pain in the ass sometimes. "Can you be serious for just one moment? I'm going fucking insane."

"What do you mean?"

I shut my eyes and think back to everything that has happened in the past few days. I'm stressed, a little excited, definitely frustrated, slightly hopeful. As I think of the interactions Felicity and I have shared, like the hugs and the hand holding and that weirdly intimate connection, a smile starts to creep its way onto my face.

I quickly shake my head and glance at the gas station shop. I can see Felicity through the window, walking down one of the aisles with a soda in her hand. I'm feeling a wave of relief wash over me as it's made clear she's not watching me from inside. 

"Louis, I don't know. I'm feeling things and saying things and doing things. It's all stuff I don't normally do."

"That is so ridiculously vague. I can't help you if you don't elaborate."

I groan loudly into the receiver, making sure he knows that I'm frustrated with this conversation. I can't believe he's really going to make me say everything out loud. Doing so makes everything feel a lot more real than it already is. I may have admitted my feelings for Felicity to myself ... in my own head ... but actually admitting them to another person is kind of intimidating. 

Taking in a deep breath of courage, I quietly begin to talk.

"I'm just feeling things that are very new to me. Okay? I'm talking about hypothetical situations that I wish weren't hypothetical. I'm saying things out loud that I don't mean to because I'm embarrassed to admit them. I've pitched a tent too many fucking times and have had a very difficult time trying to hide them ... although I don't think she's noticed so that's a good thing."

My lungs burn as I realize I've been holding my breath while speaking. I take a moment to gather my thoughts and regain my composure before continuing. 

"All of this has been happening in the past few days and it's hitting me like a train. I'm overwhelmed with how I feel. I want to hold her in my arms and cuddle and give her kisses, but I also want to pin her to the wall and work my magic until she can't remember her own name. Fuck. I just ... do you see how fucking insane I am?! I sound stupid!"

Louis' laughter takes over my hearing as it's so intensely loud on the end of the line. My cheeks burn red and I'm beginning to feel hot, hot enough to not need a thick coat in this winter weather. I wish Louis were standing right in front of me so I could let out my frustration by strangling him.

"You don't sound stupid," he very briefly cackles. "My friend, you sound like you're in love."

"Fuck off. I am not. I barely know her."

"Falling in love at first sight is a thing, you know."

"I didn't love her at first sight."

"But you love her now," he emphasizes the 'L' word and I can only imagine there's a wildly large grin upon his face. He caught my slip up, one that I didn't even catch myself. Am I really in love? "What's so bad about being in love anyway? Doesn't it make you feel good?"

"I mean ... I guess yeah."

"So what's the problem?"

"The problem is that she has a boyfriend. That's who she's going to see at the end of this trip. He is the reason she's on this trip. I want to get intimate with another dude's girlfriend. That's the fucking problem."

Louis is quiet for a moment, shuffling in the background. "Right. That could be a little bit of an obstacle. Colton is quite the asshole."

"You know him?" I ask as my curiosity is instantly piqued at his words. 

"Well yeah, I've met him a few times whenever Olesen brought him around."

"So what's he like?"

I can't help that I'm super interested in knowing more about this guy from someone that isn't Felicity. I hate to admit that he sparks my interest. I just want to know what the fuck she sees in him and why they've been together for this long. All I've seen so far is how he treats her like shit, and I'm confused as to why she hasn't left him.

"He's a bit bossy. Very unfriendly. Totally possessive. He once pulled me aside to threaten me when I had my arm around Olesen's shoulders. That was interesting. He has a habit of telling her what to do and what she can't do. I don't think she notices his behavior because he's really good at concealing his bad temper. He also talks to her like a child that needs to be babysat. I try to stay clear of him. I know Sierra hates every ounce of his existence."

Hearing all of this makes me undeniably upset. Everything I know about this guy so far just makes me dislike him more and more. I'm concerned for Felicity. For years she's been in this relationship that sounds so unhealthy. I'm a little nervous of what would happen if she were to break up with him. Would he try to hurt her?

The guy has threatened Louis for putting an arm around her. If he knew I held her hand, was dangerously close to kissing her, woke up spooning her in Nashville, and slept in the same bed in St. Louis I would be a dead man. I'm not just saying that ... I really think he'd kill me.

I hear the little kickstand on the gas pump click, signaling that the tank is filled. I quickly try to finish my conversation with Louis before walking over to the car.

"Anyway," he speaks up with a little pep in his voice. "You shouldn't hate me. You should be thanking me for bringing someone into your life that brightens your day."

"I still hate you."

"Harry is in love with Felicity!"

"Be quiet!"

"Embrace it, Styles. You're in love."

"I'm never calling you again."

"Great, talk to you tomorrow!"

He hangs up the phone before I can protest, and I'm left feeling confused and irritated. As I pull the pump from the car and screw the gas cap back on, his words run over and over in my head.

I just don't understand how I could possibly be in love with a girl I've just met. I can't even name her favorite color or her favorite movie. 

Me? In love? That's such a foreign concept. I've never been in love. I might not know what it feels like to be in love, but it can't be all this confusion and overwhelming feelings ... right? 

Love is scary. Love makes you vulnerable. Love sets you up for heartbreak. Love makes you crazy. Love makes you do things and say things and-

Fuck.

I think I am in love.

What's happening to me? I just need to stop thinking about all of this because I'm going to end up bursting into that gas station to confess my love for Felicity and it's just going to scare her off.

She has a boyfriend. A really, really barbaric asshole of a boyfriend. I don't stand a chance.

Somehow I find myself moving the car into an actual parking space in front of the shop. I get out of the car, shake all the nerves from my body, and step inside the building. Felicity stands in the Subway line with a plastic bag from the gas station shop filled with chips and two drinks.

As I walk up next to her, she turns her head to look at me and a smile graces her lips. My body instantly relaxes and my nerves subside.

"Hey. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, why?"

"I don't know," she shrugs her shoulders and takes a step forward as the line begins to move. "You seem a little ... off."

Sighing, I playfully bump my shoulder into hers. "I was just thinking about how I'm glad I met you."

"Oh," her pink cheeks deepen in color as she tries to conceal a smile. "I'm glad I met you, too. Between you and me, you're a lot more fun to be around than pretty much everyone else I know."

After we order our sandwiches, I pay the cashier for our food and find the two of us a table to sit at. We eat our food in a peaceful silence. She hands me one of the drinks she bought at the shop next door.

There's something different about the way she looks at me. I can't put my finger on it but I know something isn't the same. I could be making things up in my head. Maybe I'm the one seeing things differently now that I've admitted that I'm in love with her.

Whatever is going on, I feel happy on the inside.

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