WARNING; i have mentioned the fact that doctors check for traces of sexual abuse on kidnapped/rape victims — this may trigger some of you [which is not my intention at all] so please be wary as you read along.

DEAR JUNGKOOK,
"how long should
i wait?" should've been
asked and answered
during the last few
hours we were together
because now im sitting
here, by the window,
watching life pass by
as i stay stock still and
unmoving, wondering
whether i have to wait
another day. or a week?
a month even? maybe more?

maybe. . . a year?

no. no, no, i know you'll
come back for me — you
said so yourself so i
believe your words, kook.

DEAR JUNGKOOK,
one of the multiple
therapists/psychiatrists 
my dad assigned to
me gave me a black biro
and a plain a3 notepad.

she told me to write down
or draw anything that's
on my mind but the only thing
that's on my mind is
you. hence the reason why
the biro and the notepad
sitting besides me is
completely untouched despite
my fingers practically
itching to sketch out your
tattooed hand or write out
a string of words describing
your eyes.

DEAR JUNGKOOK,
i miss you so much
it almost hurts.

DEAR JUNGKOOK,
i hope you're well.

[ HALF AN HOUR LATER ]

flashes of blue and red and wailing sirens awaken gwangju from its deep slumber — the cacophonous sight making the city startle awake and notice the loud sounds and visuals streaming by outside their windows.

at the almost assaulting, discordant sound of police sirens so loud at four in the morning, people blearily scramble out of their beds, their pink hair rollers toppling down their heads as they hastily throw crumpled bath robes over their shoulders and stumble out of their houses, staring wide eyed at the never ending amount of police cars speeding down their usually quiet streets. flitting in between these police cars are several black SUVs which race down the road, the cars all blatantly emblazoned on the sides with a company logo belonging to kim enterprises.

the people of gwangju gape at the sight of the torrential amount of security vehicles bracing their roads and running the road's tarmac smooth with their wheels –– and if that wasn't enough for the astonished people, two, maybe even three, helicopters fly low overhead, almost deafening the civilians with its mighty roar.

all these SUVs, police cars and helicopters soon wordlessly blur past them, leaving a quiet that seems so stark after the noise they had just witnessed that it reduces the civilians to mere blinking statues that stand by their doorsteps, startled and unmoving.

the vehicles continue their descent to their destination; an inconspicuous motel residing on the very outskirts of gwangju. the tacky building now stands utterly defenceless before the vehicles that surround it mercilessly and ruthlessly.

as soon as the vehicles are situated before the motel, an entire army of police officers donning thick bulletproof vests and guns strapped to leather holsters around their thighs and biceps, pour out of the cars, all racing to circle the motel with guns ready in their grasp and aiming towards the motel's bleak entrance.

bright headlights alight the dark, blaring sirens ring, officers stand ready to shoot on sight, helicopters whir overhead, heavy boots hammer against gravel and the echo of guns snapping alert resound throughout the atmosphere. but neither of the aforementioned concern park jaehwa who dashes out of his personal SUV, elbowing past officers and running straight for the motel's entrance despite police officers shouting after him, running after him.

the boy's smiling; grinning from ear to ear as he makes quick haste for the poorly lit doorway of the motel. he's ecstatic, so ecstatic to know that he's found his best friend again that he absolutely doesn't care for the commandeering police officers chasing him down, he doesn't care for his badly wrinkled suit or grim morning breath or his horridly unkept hair — right now, he doesn't care for anything but taehyung.

and with taehyung on his mind and a happy grin lacing his features, jae pushes past the doorway of the motel and stumbles into the tackt lobby where he immediately catches sight of two people. two people; one an exhausted looking woman seated behind a desk, who hastily lifts her hands in the air, visibly trembling at the sight of jae and the police officers outside, and the other person is—

"tae," jae pants, breath coming out ragged and fast  as he stands a mere metre before taehyung — taehyung who's leaning tiredly against the wall, his dull eyes staring at the chipped floorboards and looking ready to feebly pass out right there and then. "tae." jae repeats softly as he gingerly steps closer towards taehyung. the latter hears this time and looks up, lidded eyes finally noticing and recognising the boy before him.

taehyung focus
"j–jae." taehyung stutters before stumbling over to him, salty tears pooling in the inner corners of his eyes as he reaches out for his best friend with trembling hands. "jae." he repeats, this time in a sob as he draws himself towards the boy, wrapping his lithe arms around his neck and burying his tear stained face against jae's warm chest.

"hey kid, don't cry," jae murmurs against his hair as he comfortingly runs a hand through the boy's fiery coloured hair, "im here now, aren't i?"

but jungkook's not.

DEAR JUNGKOOK,
it's been hard. i know i
said to let me deal with
things on my side but
now i regret saying
that because it's just too
hard for me to handle.

there's too many people;
therapists, doctors, police
officers and news reporters;
there's too many medical
examinations, stupid
questions and too many
fucking playdoh pots
("try to reenact how you were
kidnapped with the use of this
playdoh!").

it's so tiring and im
completely and utterly
worn out by everything and
everyone.

now, all i want is to just
go home.

i hope things are going
smoother for you, kook.

DEAR JUNGKOOK,
ive never ever felt this
detached before.

[ ONE HOUR LATER ]

he doesn't know when he'd fallen asleep exactly but when he next opens his eyes, taehyung's stunned to find himself lying on a hospital bed, carefully being monitored by a group of doctors who fuss around him at the sight of his tired eyes blinking up at them. he winces at the dazzling LED lights overhead that threaten to pierce his pupils, the unnecessarily bright lighting making the boy weakly tilt his head to the side.

now facing his side, he spots bright city lights filtering into the airy room through the large window — the large window indicating to  taehyung that it was barely morning what with the hues of orange streaming into the room due to the lit streetlamps standing tall just outside the hospital building.

not realising he grew distracted with the startling glow of amber against the dark of the winter night sky, taehyung harshly jerks his head back when he feels warm fingers rest on his shoulder. wide eyed, taehyung stares at the female who smiles softly at him, looking absolutely delighted to see him awake.

"where. . . where am i?" taehyung croaks out timidly, voice cracking due to the lack of water he hasn't ingested in the past few hours. the nurse immediately catches on to this and hurries to grasp the tall glass of water sitting atop the bedside table.

"here you go, mr kim," she offers it to taehyung but the latter, feeling more than just disorientated, carelessly pushes the glass away as his eyes drift to the other four, maybe five, people that flock around him, busy checking charts and notes and murmuring to one another quietly.

"the patient has woken up — inform his family members outside." one of the doctors in the middle of jotting down a scrawl speaks up with an authoritative tone in her voice.

"hello, kim taehyung-ssi, you're in gwangju's medical university and hospital."

"check his vitals."

"im just going to check your breathing so please relax for me mr kim—"

"you're in safe hands now so don't worry. im senior doctor park and these are my junior nurses. how're you feeling, son?"

"whilst you slept, we performed both the usual and extensive check up on you just to see if there's any problems and–– oh my, don't look so worried; there's nothing wrong with you—"

"your family members are on the way but we do have a young man in our waiting room: his name's jae and he tells us he's your personal bodyguard. is that correct? would you like to see him?"

"what were the results for his x-rays?"

"nothing bad."

taehyung, unsure about who to look at amongst the group of doctors that seem to simultaneously talk as well as grope his body, whimpers out jae's name as he feebly bats away one of the doctors who attempt to hike his shirt upwards to examine his chest with a stethoscope.

the doctors, ignorant towards taehyung's obvious display of discomfort, persist in their actions whilst the senior doctor, a middle aged woman, speaks to taehyung about certain procedures they'd have to follow up on. taehyung, who doesn't bother to listen to the doctor's dreary toned words, draws the bedsheets closer to his body in a protective manner.

". . . and then after the medical report is written, we'd have to send you over to the sexual abuse referral centre and examine your body throughly in order to find traces of sexual abuse. now, i understand that this is a terrifying topic but taehyung-ssi—"

upon hearing doctor park's tersely and abruptly spoken words, taehyung jerks his head in the woman's direction, eyes widening in bewilderment and growing increasingly panicky as he recalls just a few hours ago when he was lying beneath jungkook, breathless and cheeks flushing crimson at the most simplest of touches the boy gifts him.

"n–no," he chokes out, "no. no, stop touching me. i don't want an examination. i just wanna go home, please let me go home—"

"mr kim, please—"

"no, stop!" taehyung cries out when one of the junior doctors attempt to comfort him by placing their calloused hand over his clammy fist –– but rather than feel soothing, in taehyung's almost paranoiac state of mind, the young doctor seems to be almost advancing on him.

although there's a rational part of his mind declaring that the junior doctor means no harm, a greater part of mind, now consumed with irrational worry, freaks at the mental image of this stranger pulling his sweater over his head and hissing in disgust at the red, now purpling hickies that decorate his warm toned skin, at jungkook's scent that seems to linger on his clavicle, at the fingerprint shaped bruises pressed into the jutting bone of his hips.

y–yeah, he'd probably recoil away in horror at the sight of my body, of the fact that ive let a man take me to bed— that ridiculous belief, which contaminates the whole of his aching head, creates salty tears to arise in the boy's eyes and spill uncontrollably as taehyung curls into a trembling ball, resorting to crying loudly for jae; the only person he trusts, besides jungkook, at the moment.

DEAR JUNGKOOK,
i just wanna be back
in your arms, not
lying in this hospital
bed, alone.

DEAR JUNGKOOK,
when my therapist,
mrs wu, handed me
this pad, i didn't
know id become so
immersed with writing
you these little,
pencilled messages.

don't worry, i won't make
you read all of them (half
of them are ineligible
anyway). im just using
these as a "coping
mechanism" (according
to mrs wu).

please come back soon
so i don't have to cope
so hard.

DEAR JUNGKOOK,
my heart hurts
every time i wake up
and remember you're
not with me anymore.

DEAR JUNGKOOK-AH,
i hate this all.

DEAR JUNGKOOKIE,
i wanna go back to that
cheap studio apartment
you said your friend used to
own, lie down with you
on that pull out couch and
listen to you nervously
confess your feelings for
me one more time.

you don't know how happy
i was to hear the words
"i like you too, taehyung"
fill the room.
i want to hear those words,
your voice, again.

[ TWO HOURS LATER ]

taehyung sits at the centre of his hospital bed, swathed heavily in multiple thick layers that prevents the cold from reaching his weak limbs. he sits, knees drawn to his chest, and stares aimlessly at the crinkles embedded in the cream coloured blankets surrounding him. his lidded brown eyes have been transfixed solely on that particular area for ten minutes now, gaze unwavering and body stilled. he refrains from socialising with the policemen that stand, dotted around the room, as they exhaustively ask questions to a mute taehyung.

"can you remember anything about your kidnapper? any distinct features? tattoos or scars or jewellery? unique clothing?"

taehyung doesn't bother looking up, instead choosing to continue to regard his bedsheets with a blank expression consuming his face.

"were there any habits your kidnapper had that you you noticed? for example, biting his or her nails, smoking, constantly taking any sort of medication or substance. . ?"

"could you tell us in detail about how you were treated during the period you were in captivity? was abuse inflicted on you? were you given drugs?"

"did your kidnapper seem to be mentally unwell? did they have violent tendencies, mood swings or anything unique like that?"

"if you can, please list any significant places or people you remember—"

"was there more than one kidnapper? male or female? could you make an estimate of their height?"

"do you know the motive behind your kidnapping? was it for money or—?"

"just how did you get away from your kidnapper?"

"jae, i don't feel well." taehyung whispers to the man standing tall and protectively by his hospital bed.

"okay," jae murmurs, pushing himself off the wall and unfolding his arms as he takes a step towards the still interrogative policemen, "i got you."

DEAR JUNGKOOK,
i love jae.

but not in that way,
don't worry — you
know my heart belongs
to you and you only.

no, i love jae in a
different way. a love
that's only reserved
for best friends and
jae is my best, best,
bestest (that's not a
word, oops) friend.

he's been mine and
ive been his since
we were kids.

i think ive mentioned to
you about jae before
but never actually
told you who he is to
me. park jaehwa is
my childhood best friend
and personal bodyguard.
he takes care of me
and protects me and
makes sure im eating
and is always there
for me when i need him
the most. so, although,
you might not be here,
jae's here with me and
for me, he more than
just suffices.

ill make this into
storytime since im
so bored sitting here
in this suffocating
hospital.
we met when i was
four and he was six.
he was the gardner's
grandson who pitter
pattered after his elderly
grandma, wearing cute
denim overalls and
carrying around heavy
watering cans that he
was adamant to not let
his grandma carry.

i remember seeing him
one day from the balcony
of my nursery and becoming
so utterly interested as
to why he didn't let his
grandmother carry the
incredibly heavy (for a
six year old) watering can.

i remember constantly
begging my nurse to
take walks with me
through the gardens
'cause i wanted to see
this intriguing boy up
close but i was always
too shy.
i hid behind my nurse
every time she agreed to
take me for a walk around
the garden but that didn't
stop jae from waving and
always flashing a toothy grin
at me. he wasn't like other
six year olds who i knew;
they were all uptight, little
brats that'll soon blindly
follow after their similarly
frustrating parent's footsteps
to become korea's next
president or the owner of
an expensive
multimillionaire company.
jae wasn't like that at all.

you know how in
some romance animes,
there's those boy-next-door
heartthrobs who're just so
unbelievably and unfairly
nice and good looking? like
the main boy in that anime;
"kimi ni todoke"?
jae's exactly like that guy.

anyway one day, i finally
mustered up the courage to
venture out alone without
my nurse and actually
ask him why he was so
reluctant in letting his
grandma water the
plants –– the question had
been lingering in the back
of my mind for quite a
while then and it was
starting to get a little
tedious.

smiling, he told me his
"grandmom had arthritis
in her shoulder and that it
hurt her to lift heavy things".

"but d–doesn't it
h–hurt you?" i had
hiccuped, glancing at
his skinny little arms
and feeling a little
awestruck.

"uh. . . a little." he had
replied meekly, making
four year old me giggle
shyly at the cute
overalls-wearing boy.

"d–do you want s–some
h–help?"

i had a really bad stutter
back then but it didn't
deter jae at all in making
friends with me. again, he
wasn't like the other kids
at my playgroup who
giggled at my stutter, later
imitating them to their
friends as i watched on,
red cheeked and teary
eyes.

(they stopped soon
after they saw jae
who started
accompanying me to
play dates, sitting
cross legged besides
me and making
sure no one would
dare to imitate me.
heh, jae wasn't even
particularly
frightening back then;
the kids only feared
him because he
was two years older
than us and apparently
that meant he could
easily crush us should he
wish to)

"oh," jae, sounding startled
for a second at my words — he
blinks once, twice, thrice
before his mouth suddenly
breaks out into a happy grin,

"yes, please." he had said,
instructing me to carry
half the watering can.

since then, ive helped him
help his grandma (despite
her obvious protestations
about me being too prestigious)
by rolling up my shirt sleeves
and (weakly) upholding
one half of the watering
can and waddling after a
laughing jae — all the time
watching him through my
round specs with awe in my
eyes.

he was so cool.
he still is, actually.

after helping him
carry the watering can
around the large expanse
of a garden and yell
enthusiastic hello's at
the rest of the gardening
staff, we'd always cool
off by slipping out of our
sneakers/loafers and
dash through the sprinklers
barefoot. soft mud would
squelch underfoot, the
sound of us giggling and
shouting would arise to
three decibels higher than
normal and we'd both wear
wide grins on our face as our
clothes became so drenched
that they weighed us down
uselessly.

i remember my nurse
disapproving our little
arrangement that took
place every afternoon
but my dad simply waved
away her concerns and just
watched us play together from
time to time, looking utterly
proud at the fact that
i had made a friend all by
myself –– something
which at that age was
considered a difficult feat
for me.

but, back to jae.
id say he's my anchor.
yeah, when things
get rough at home, at
school or at work,
instead of letting me
float away to god
knows where, jae brings
me back down to earth.
he usually does so by
sneaking in a family sized
bucket of fried chicken into
my room late at night,
allowing me to eat away
my stress whilst he sits
there, listening to me
rant whilst he nods along,
looking ready to fall asleep
but never actually
sleeping until ive cleared
my food and im less of
a stressed mess.

god, i really do love him.

i think, if you were to
ever meet him, you'd
like him a lot too, kook.

DEAR JUNGKOOK,
i really liked how i
sounded in my last
note compared to how i
sounded in the first few;
like i was mourning
over the non-existent
death of you and our
relationship.
:///

so rather than mope
hopelessly about us
separating (which is stupid
because we agreed
that this was temporary
and we'd find each
other again), i promise
to be a more upbeat and
positive hyung from
my side!!

from your side, id
just like you to
hurry and come
find me!

DEAR JUNGKOOKIE,
the police officers noticed
that i wasn't going to speak
anytime soon and they've
decided to transfer me
back to daegu where officials
over there'll take over –– meaning
im finally going home and
im finally going to meet hyung
and dad again and im so so
happy.

DEAR JUNGKOOK,
sorry, if my handwriting
gets a little sloppyy; it's super dark
on the plane and im suppose
                                  to be sleeping
but i just

really really really
wa
n
ted to say i love you!
and and good night,

i hope you sleep
we
                                 ell tonight,
wherever you are :)

[ AN AIRPLANE RIDE LATER ]

"dad," taehyung breathes out almost inaudibly when he sees his father sitting behind his desk — the once tall, proud businessman now sits hunched in his obsidian coloured leather chair, shoulders slump and dull eyes stare listlessly at the surface of his mahogany desk.

at the wavering presence by his study's doorway, kim daesuk glances upwards and blinks once, twice, thrice at the sight of taehyung before he stutteringly rises from his chair, face crumpling with emotion and arms outstretching, inviting his son forwards.
the latter wastes no time in bursting into tears as he hurriedly makes his way towards his father to fall into his welcoming embrace. holding onto him tightly, taehyung bawls against his father's expensive suit, smearing it with tears and snot like he used to do when he was younger and was just as upset.

in between the loud sobs that emanate from his shaking body and the tears that blur his vision, taehyung notices his stepmother and jae smiling softly at him through the open doorway he was standing by just a few seconds ago. too invested in crying to reciprocate the smile, taehyung cries harder at the sight and clutches onto his father's suit jacket.

daesuk laughs through his own tears at the sight of his twenty three year old son crying the way he used to when he was a small toddler; all loud and demanding, as if he wanted the whole world to know that two year old kim taehyung was most definitely upset.

"what's with the hair?" daesuk chuckles, hastily wiping away tears before ruffling taehyung's bright red hair in a fond manner. taehyung just cries harder in response.

DEAR JUNGKOOK,
im back home
and only when i stepped
into my bedroom did i
remember just how much i
missed home. it feels
good to be back :)

im sitting by my
coffee table and the
vase (which i tried to
knock you out with)
is standing atop it.
looking at it now, it makes
me laugh — makes me
remember how i
stupidly tried to take you
down with the ugly thing
and how deftly and easily you
caught with your hands,
with that unimpressed look
on you face too.

oh god, i can't stop laughing
and jae's judging me real hard.

[ LATER THAT NIGHT ]

taehyung focus
the thickening darkness of the night has fallen over the kim residence, encasing it and promptly indicating its inhabitants to set aside their worries and fall asleep but taehyung lies awake in his bed, utterly unable to effectively trail into a deep slumber.

although his body feels weary enough for sleep, his mind is the complete opposite; his brain is buzzed on the happiness risen from seeing his parents, his home, his friends after so long — he's just too damn happy to sleep at the moment. so he simply lies there in bed, a smile gracing his face as he glances towards jae who's now required to stay with him during the night in case taehyung falls into danger once again.

taehyung, noticing the steady rise and fall of jae's chest, draws his blankets closer to his chest and allows a sense of warmth to overcome — a sense that's feels both physical and emotional, a sense that finally has taehyung cracking a smile after separating ways with jungkook.

grinning, taehyung burrows against the soft blankets and sighs contentedly.
maybe i should write something to jungkook now? no one's here to interrupt so—

as soon as his mind proffers the latter, there's a series of soft, staccato knocks that stir taehyung from his thoughts and makes him glance confusedly at the clock hanging off the wall; 02:23AM is stated on the clock face.

before he could process who it could be at this time of the morning, the door to his bedroom which is supposedly guarded by his bodyguards opens quietly. taehyung immediately tenses, closing his eyes and slowing his breathing as he hears hushed voices linger by the door. due to the lack of proximity, taehyung strains his ears to try to comprehend the words shared but he can't catch onto any significant words which'll highlight any reason as to why there's a conversation being exchanged so late at night, outside his bedroom.

seconds later, the voices stop and the door shuts close with a subtle click — but the door doesn't close until someone steps foot into his room, their footsteps resonating throughout the quiet of the room. chewing his lip, taehyung hurriedly contemplates the choices given to him—

taehyung's breath stills completely when he feels cool fingers run through his crimson coloured locks in an eerily comforting manner which sets his frenetic thought track at ease. he should probably jerk away, startle and look over at who's touching him like this so late at night and so gently. but his mind blanks at the touch, his focus now solely transfixed on the hand that tentatively ruffles his hair. the person seeming to be almost hesitant in touching taehyung — their hand dragging through his locks in a slow and careful manner as if taehyung was brittle and there would be a major chance of him falling apart if not handled with care.

jungkook? is what his mind procures at once but also quickly admonishes — no, jungkook wouldn't touch him like this person is and no, jungkook, most certainly, does not adorn decorative rings that catch at his hair slightly and dainty bracelets that rattle with every slight movement. so taehyung stiffens, now thinking hard whether to continue to pretend to sleep and see what this intruder wants or violently push the stranger's hand away and scream for security, for jae to wake up.

the softly spoken, pained "im sorry" causes taehyung to tense up slightly because he now knows exactly who this intruder is; it's sooyeon. sooyeon who's always been frugal with her motherly love, who wouldn't once give him the time of her day, wouldn't even glance at him let alone gaze at him with eyes that recognise him as her son. sooyeon, his stepmother.

"im sorry, taehyung. im sorry. im so sorry." the woman chokes out, voice thick with emotion that threatens to spew out of the confines of her mouth. "sorry, im sorry," is what fills the suffocating quiet of the room, it's what she chants repeatedly as she runs her bony fingered hands through his hair, patiently untangling carelessly made knots in his hair whilst apologising profusely and painfully.

once again, taehyung's breath gets caught in his throat at the realisation that his dear stepmother was the one who was doing the aforementioned.

w. . . what? what is she doing? taehyung thinks but doesn't move to stop her untoward ministrations, instead he continues his act of sleeping and listens closely to the whispered words that fall from his mother's mouth.

"im sorry, taehyung-ah." although he doesn't know what exactly she's apologising for, his heavy heart aches at the fact that his mother was finally, finally, showing him the kind of affection that he deserves to have, that he needs.
but that's all: his heart aches slightly and that's it. no tears prickle his eyes, no tremors run through his hands and no overwhelming bursts of joy or sadness hit him.

at his mother's apologies which are seemingly infused with genuine sadness, taehyung feels nothing towards them.

yeah, taehyung thinks it feels nice to finally be the subject of her affection but . . . where was this when i really needed it? why suddenly sprout this on me only after i get fucking kidnapped? was that what it took to get her to notice me? me getting kidnapped?

taehyung thinks back to when he had first met his stepmother.
— EIGHTEEN YEARS AGO
"there's only so many times i can forgive you, daesuk! ive already forgiven you for cheating on me with your godamn secretary but i can't forgive this," sooyeon punctuates her distaste by harshly pointing a manicured fingernail at four year old taehyung who sits on the edge of their bed, timidly swinging his sneaker clad feet and blinking up at them worriedly.

"soo, this kid's been through a lot and right now, he doesn't need you throwing a fit," daesuk hisses.

"what about me? what about me, your godamn wife and mother of your oldest child? don't you think my opinion matters in this decision?"

"what decision? the decision of keeping him, you mean? what on earth are you saying? that i should just dump my own kid at the nearest orphanage?" daesuk spits out harshly.

"yes!" she exclaims exasperatedly.

"im not doing that soo. he's a part of this family now, whether you like it or not and he's not going anywhere."

"he may be a part of your family but he's never going to be a part of mine—"

"oh god, ive had enough of this! taehyung-ah, come here, son, let's go out for a while—"

"yes, yes, go! go and don't you dare fucking come back with that illegitimate child!"
— PRESENT

taehyung, two, maybe three, months ago would've cried (and perhaps embarrassingly sobbed) with happiness at the fact that his stepmother had spared him a glance. but now, after taking the time to properly grow up, he realise how stupid he was for wasting all this valuable time.

taehyung doesn't want his mother's pitiful crying or apologies.

he's over that "desperate-for-motherly-love" bullshit.

taehyung allows sooyeon to mumble her amounted, genuine apologies but rather than forgive her, he doesn't accept either one of her meekly said apologies.

DEAR JUNGKOOK,
did you see the conference
my dad had on tv about me?

so many flower bouquets
and cards are filing into
my room. i know they're
all from business partners
and family friends but a
part of me believes you've
sent one, signed with your
name. and because of that
idiotic belief, here i am; sitting
in the midst of what looks
like a flower garden, searching
and growing nauseated by
the strong,individual scent
of each colourful bouquet.

DEAR JUNGKOOKIE,
i hope you're well, brat.

p.s. i miss you.

DEAR JUNGKOOK,
i miss my ruby red hair.

dad made my stylists revert
my hair colour back to
how it was originally; a
boring chestnut brown.

i don't personally have
anything against the
colour — it's just that the
colour, the colour just
makes me feel kinda. . .

guilty.

i know, weird, right?
how can the colour of
my hair make me feel
guilty?

i feel guilty because
in a way, im ridding you
from my life, from me.
it might sound stupid but
that's what i felt when i
sat in front my vanity
table, watching the hired
hairstylist through the mirror
convert vibrant red to an
ordinary brown. her touch
wasn't calming or gentle — she
didn't tell me stories of disney
princesses or clip my hair
back with childish plastic
hair clips.

anyway, seeing my hair
now in the reflection of my
dresser, i feel like ive lost an
important memory — i feel
like ive just given up the
entire time we've shared
together to once again become
kim taehyung, heir of
kim enterprises. i don't feel
like kim taehyung, jeon
jungkook's shortly
lived boyfriend.

every morning, when
i wake up and look in the
mirror, that red colour was
a visual reminder of what we
had; reminding me of my
bucket list, of our
relationship, of you. but
now that visual reminder
is gone and i feel sorta lost.

slowly, slowly, i know
ill fall back into the pace
of what i was before;
the heir to my dad's company.
but it's okay because you'll
come back, you'll come back
and save me once again. yeah,
you saved me; that's
exactly what you did
unknowingly three
months ago and i love you
for doing so.

thank you, kook.

[ THE NEXT MORNING ]

"one iced, peach soda for the lightweight," jae hums, grinning when when taehyung scowls at him. grudgingly, the latter thanks him for the beverage before taking the item and (struggling with) popping the mouthpiece of the can open.

"and one, mighty beer for the big guy–– oh my god, taehyung, just ask me to open it for you," jae laughs, noticing taehyung's brows furrowing hard as he tries to wrench the reluctant cap off. the older eases the can out of the younger's grasp and easily pops the can open, handing the softly bubbling drink to taehyung who, once again, grudgingly mutters out thank you.

taehyung leans back against the outdoor bench and sighs at the serene image of the water fountain spewing copious amounts of crystal clear water — water droplets glisten under the weak winter sun, creating an otherworldly effect on the impressive water fountain. taehyung smiles at the sight of the magnificent piece that's been a clear centrepiece in the kim mansion's lush gardens.

"remember when the song family's daughter dared you to skinny dip with her but you were so reluctant and started crying 'cause you thought creepy crawlies would be swimming at the bottom of the fountain?"

calm, taehyung takes a sip of his drink and patiently savours the sweet taste before murmuring a blunt; "fuck you, jae."

jae simply laughs in reply, making taehyung allow a small smile to sit on his mouth. 

"i missed you."

"you just 'missed me?'" taehyung quirks an eyebrow, "not: 'i missed you so much'? or 'i missed you a lot'?"

jae snorts, "no, i just missed you."

"bullshit," taehyung laughs, "you started crying so hard as soon as you saw me — you should've seen yourself; all snot and tears."

"gimme the soda back," jae threatens, "if you're not going to be nice, i won't be nice to you—"

"you brought up the creepy crawlie thing up!" taehyung squeals, giggling and moving away from jae who tries to clasp his hand around taehyung's beverage. "so we're even now!" he gasps out, batting away jae's hand as he tries hard not to spill his soda over himself. "jae! stop!!"

laughing, jae pulls away and relaxes against the wooden bench. he picks up his drink and sips at the liquid thoughtfully whilst taehyung settles down from his giggling.

"uh, so, tae, we haven't really had the chance to talk properly what with your hospital appointments and examinations but if you ever wanna talk to me about—"

"i know, jae," taehyung says quietly as he glances downwards at his lap where his hands sit, folded around the can of soda. "thanks, but i rather not talk about it just yet."

jae stares at him for a few seconds, assessing taehyung's state before turning away, clearing his throat and murmuring, "that's perfectly alright, tae."

the two sit in comfortable silence, purely acknowledging each other's presence as they sit there together. seconds later, however, taehyung breaks the silence with his question; "hey, jae? can we do something for old time's sake?"

jae blinks, "sure, what?"

taehyung smiles.

the gardeners working on the late winter blooms laugh and shake their heads at the two grown, idiot boys who wince and yelp every time their body comes into contact with the ice cool water spraying from the sprinklers dotted around the garden. but although they can already see themselves spending tomorrow in bed and nursing their colds, their eyes are alight with vivid amusement and their laughter is loud enough to warm the icy december atmosphere.

DEAR JUNGKOOK,
my seokjin hyung's
back from singapore
and im !! so !! happy !!

DEAR JUNGKOOK,
ive thought this
through and. . . i think
im making the right
choice, kook. it's
sudden but—

DEAR JUNGKOOK,
i trust jae and jin
hyung so i told them;
i told them about you,
about us. ive told them
everything.