4 - Motherhood

Rena's POV

Motherhood was much tougher than I had expected and many of the demands took me by total surprise. I stayed at the hospital for five more days and actually began to underestimate the work involved caring for an infant, having plenty of help and support.

Kade hovered almost constantly around me and any time he disappeared, my dad or Pam took his place. Noah was bathed, diapered and dressed without any effort on my part - I was only expected to lie in bed and hold him, nursing him every few hours. His mouth was too small to drink on his own but the nurse showed me how to help him with a plastic shield and after that, we were flying.

My room resembled a flower shop with colorful bouquets and blue balloons. Two of the well wishes shocked me, yet in very different ways - the one from Chantal brought tears to my eyes, the one from the Parks made my stomach clench. It was the first hint that neither Marcus nor Brent's parents had lost interest in my life.

Things changed the minute I got home and I was expected to settle into a new routine. My helpers had responsibilities of their own and returned to their regular day jobs while I was left behind on my own, tied to the apartment by an ankle monitor. Both the visits with Doc and my probation officer were temporarily suspended, but that didn't mean they trusted me enough to roam the streets without any type of supervision or plan. I wasn't even allowed to take a stroll in the park without calling Mr. Rose first - not that I wanted to anyhow since the weather was absolutely dreadful.

Caring for Noah was a battle from the start. Since he was born prematurely, none of the clothes I had gotten for him fit. I was dependent on a couple of outfits my dad got for me who had never had a good sense of fashion. I almost screamed when he brought home three pink onesies, gloating that he saved a bundle since they were on sale.

"No one will see them under the regular clothes and Noah will have outgrown them in a few weeks, so who cares," he said smugly when I confronted him that pink was a color for girls.

I gave up after that, in some ways grateful that he had even bothered at all. It seemed that all I was doing was changing the baby anyhow since he spit up a lot. No outfit lasted more than a few hours before finding its way into the laundry basket. The washing machine and the dryer ran constantly and I went through two bottles of laundry detergent in the first week. My father wasn't happy that I made him buy the expensive kind without dyes and preservatives, but after I told him that Noah could be allergic and get a rash, he caved in for the sake of his grandson.

Yet, all this was nothing compared to my constant exhaustion. Noah was hungry all the time, the nursing and deprivation of sleep slowly taking a toll on my body. Every time I dozed off, he cried - needing either a diaper change or demanding food.

My dad offered to give him the bottle at night so I could get some rest, but breastfeeding was the one thing I tremendously enjoyed and wanted to stick with as long as possible. Having Noah look at me with those big blue eyes while snuggling against my chest pierced my soul every time - the closeness I felt made the whole ordeal totally worth it.

After two weeks, my body finally adjusted and I took catnaps in between, doting on Noah the rest of the time. Through the internet, I learned how to give him little baby massages and exercise with him to strengthen his limbs. We listened to baby Mozart and I read him books out aloud that were recommended to develop his brain.

When Pam came over one evening and observed my efforts to make a genius out of my child, she just snorted. "You know, there is no scientific proof that this actually makes him any smarter."

I shrugged. "Who cares? It's fun and what else is there to do?"

That was the real issue and I didn't want to admit how bored I truly was. Caring for an infant who couldn't talk, walk or do anything else useful was almost agonizing and I was actually looking forward to going back to school in January.

Cabin fever hit me full force the week before my birthday. My fists pounded against the wall for over thirty minutes while tears streamed down my face, guilt eating at me for being selfish. I desperately wanted company and have some fun, and not be tied down by a baby. I was seventeen, for crying out loud, and this responsibility was just too much. It was the first time that I thought that adoption may have been the better option for everyone involved.

Kade and my dad must have felt my distress and surprised me with a night out on my eighteenth birthday. As a present, I got one of those modern breast pump machines which would also guarantee me a full night sleep going forward. Pam had cleared the plans with my probation officer and Kade and I left the apartment after my dad swore to me that he would call if there were any issues with Noah.

"You kids have fun now."

That didn't sit well with me since he had used the exact same words every time Brent had taken me out. I almost snapped at him but didn't want to spoil the mood. I knew he was trying and so was Kade. When he stopped in front of a Chinese restaurant that Brent and I had visited before, I suppressed a frown. After all, he didn't know. Yet, entering a place where I had been happy once with the man I had killed was painful.

I was so used to Brent choosing my meals for me and was startled when Kade asked what I wanted to eat. I had only scanned the menu and had no clue.

"I still need a minute." I said, blushing.

"Take your time," Kade reassured me, though he looked absolutely famished.

I was quickly turning the pages, fazed by the waiter who was breathing down my neck. A pen was firmly tucked between his fingers and he drummed it softly against the notepad, waiting for my order. My gaze kept wandering to his hands as I imagined him leashing out at me with impatience at any moment which, of course, was totally ridiculous.

Before Brent, a guy's eyes had always been the first thing I had noticed and had measured the overall appearance by, now it was a man's hands. The rest of the body was no longer of importance. Hands could be bawled into fists and fists punched and caused pain. The bigger the potential damage, the more cautious I approached that particular member of the opposite sex. The waiter was up there, his hands and fingers beefy. There was no doubt in my mind that he could inflict a lot of pain.

I finally snapped out of my sullen thoughts and chose the sweet and sour chicken with boiled rice. It's what Brent had always ordered and I just couldn't imagine eating anything else.

The waiter disappeared and I checked my cell for messages. "Do you think Noah is alright with my dad?"

Kade was observing me over the edge of his water glass. "I'm sure he is fine." The glass came down a little too hard. "How are you really holding up, Rena?"

My eyes filled with tears. "It's harder than I thought. I feel alone." I lowered my gaze. "I know it's stupid but I miss Brent."

He reached for my hand. "It's part of the grieving process. You and he shared a life together - even if it wasn't ideal - and a part of you craves to have this back. It'll take time to process it all."

I never saw it that way. "I guess." My voice was slightly shaking when I tried to convince myself that I would move on eventually. Yet, there was a bitter taste in my mouth when I remembered how happy I had been just two years ago. It had been the day that Brent had proposed and I had agreed to become his wife. It was also the night I had lost my virginity and I could not have imagined ever being with a man other than Brent. Now, it seemed like an eternity ago and he was gone.

"Do you think abuse is genetic?" I asked Kade. It was a fear that had been in the back of my mind since I had found out about my pregnancy - what would happen if Noah turned violent without any reason.

"Research shows that there is some biological component to aggression and violence, but the environment still has a significant influence on how those traits are expressed. You shouldn't worry about it. Noah will not turn into Brent."

I wanted to believe him but still had some doubts. "So, you think it was all Ryan Parks's fault?"

Kade took another sip of his water. "From everything you've told me, it looks that way. I do blame his mother, though, for not removing herself and her son from the situation."

I grimaced in total disagreement. Ryan was a controlling and manipulative bastard and Charlotte was likely trapped in the relationship in more than one way. She probably didn't have any money and with Ryan working for the FBI, there weren't many places where she could run to and hide. She would have lost Brent to Ryan if it had ever come down to a custody battle because he would have fought dirty just to win and spite her.

The food arrived and we dug in. It was delicious and I tried to enjoy it, but still shoveled it into my mouth at a rapid speed, choking down large pieces of chicken. I was itching to get back home and check on my son.

Kade watched me for a while, taking small bites and then chuckled. "I must be pretty bad company."

The fork stopped halfway to my mouth. "It's not that." My cheeks burned, I was ruining the night. "I mean, it just feels strange being away from him."

He winked at me. "My mom forewarned me that this would happen. She recommended for us to stay in and order some food, but I thought it would be nice for you to leave the house for a change."

I felt awful. "Kade, I swear I'm having a good time."

He snorted. "You've always been a desperate liar.

'That's why Brent probably caught me,' I thought bitterly but kept a stupid grin on my face.

"So did you finish your Christmas shopping?" I asked, trying to change the subject.

He got the hint. "Pretty much. I think I went a little overboard with my presents for Noah, but I'm sure you don't mind. How about you?"

I hadn't even started and should probably ask my dad to pick up a few things. "Not yet." I had no clue what to get him. "So, what do young urban doctors wish from Santa these days?"

He laughed. "Christmas came early for me this year. Being Noah's godfather was already present enough."

My eyes watered again - I didn't deserve a friend like him. "I can't tell you how grateful I am that you're still sticking around. This would all be impossible to manage without you."

His eyes twinkled with mischief when he gave me a small smile. "How about we'll get this to go and stop at a store on the way back for a few gallons of your favorite ice-cream. I think that'll be more enjoyable for the two of us."

I nodded eagerly, relief mixed with guilt in the pit of my stomach. Fifteen minutes later, we were back at the apartment and I was by Noah's crib, gently stroking his hair. His little chubby face was flushed and drool mixed with some left over milk was running from the corner of his mouth. His blond curls stuck to his forehead and he stirred in his sleep.

It took me all efforts to tear myself away and join my dad and Kade in the living room. He had already portioned out a large portion of ice-cream in a bowl for me, himself eating his leftover Chinese food with a fork straight from the carton. I curled up on the sofa and nibbled away at my dessert, watching him and my dad in a heated discussion about the playoffs. The Chicago Bears didn't make it again this year and they both favored the Seahawks to bring the trophy back to Seattle.

My eyelids grew heavy and I was just about to doze off when the doorbell rang. All three of us exchanged a surprised glance.

"Expecting company, dad?"

He shook his head.

"Maybe it's my mom." Kade remarked. "She said she might stop by to wish you a happy birthday."

I got up. "I'll better get it then."

When I opened the door, a giant of a man towered over me and I automatically retrieved three steps into the apartment.

"Rena Cooper."

I swallowed hard. "Yeah."

He handed me an envelope. "That's for you. Have a pleasant evening."

I closed the door in his face, tearing open the envelope with trembling hands. Inside were official court documents: A petition on behalf of Ryan and Charlotte Parks for the custody of Noah Kade Cooper. A yellow sticky note was attached to the front page, the words 'Happy Birthday, darling!' written across with carefully crafted letters. My stomach heaved when I recognized Ryan's handwriting.

"Kade!" My voice was shrill and barely recognizable. Tears sprung from my eyes as the room started to spin - I felt so sick that I could barely keep down my dinner.

He was by my side in an instant, his arms enveloping me against his shoulder. "What is it?"

I could only point at the custody papers that had dropped to the ground. Sobs battled my body violently and I thought I was going to lose my mind.

He stroked my back after reading the petition, his words soft and soothing. "Don't worry, we'll figure something out. Ryan Parks won't win."

I wiped away the tears with my sleeve, my nose all stuffy. "Okay."

It was another lie, deep down, I had already lost all hope. My heart was threatening to break from the fear which sent shockwaves through my body. All I could think about was Noah turning into Brent and be killed one day at the hands of a woman who he had abused for years. History was bound to repeat itself.

The battle has begun. Ryan wants custody, Rena is struggling to cope with motherhood - the heat is on. Let me know how you liked this chapter - comments and votes always make my day. Thanks for reading XD