Riyaadh woke up to soft breaths across his face and a tongue licking his eyebrow. He swatted it away, yet it persisted. It then began kneading his shoulder and clawing at his skin...

"Tommo?" he opened his eyes only to have the kitten bop Riyaadh's eye with his nose. "Huh uh..." he gently nudged it away before he turned over and tried to go back to sleep. Tommy nuzzled against his back, rubbing his fur this way and that before he settled against him. Riyaadh reached behind him to rub his fur, succeeding in getting nipped on the fingers instead. "Sorry," he turned back over, scooping the kitten up and laying him against his chest. In the few days that he had arrived, Riyaadh had gotten used to having the cat climb all over him in bed. Not that he minded... Tommy was growing on him.

He opened his eyes again, confused not to have heard anything from Saudah. She was prone to blindly waving her hands behind her when Tommy would tap at her back, shushing him as she tried to sleep.

She was supposed to be there. She always slept in on Saturdays.

Riyaadh sat up, looking around for any sign of her before he got up out of bed. He shook his head as Tommy followed him to the bathroom then back to their room for his half empty box of smokes he had left hidden a few nights before. He finally found her on the balcony, wrapped up in her throw. "Hey."

She turned around, tilting her lips up at him before she turned back again.

He joined her on the wicker seat they had left outside, already lighting up. She shifted away from him- it was slight, but he noticed.

"You're pissed with me, aren't you?" he asked. He didn't much like the feeling of her being upset with him.

"Uhm hmm."

"I'm sorry." He nudged her shoulder, trying to garner a smile out of her.

She shook her head, moving away once more. "Do you know what you're even apologising for?"

"For last night?"

"I guess that's part of it." she worried her bottom lip with her teeth, gnawing away at the dried skin.

"Then what's the rest?" he looked down at the soft mews coming from beneath their seat and lifted Tommo to rest between them.

She bundled herself further into her throw as she lifted her legs and wrapped her arms around her knees. "I don't know anything about you."

"You know plenty about me."

"Do I?"

"I'm sure you do." he grew agitated and he stood up to lean against the balcony wall. 

"No, I don't." She smiled mirthlessly. "You know enough about me, but I know absolutely nothing about you."

"What more do you need to know?" His fingers began to shake as he thought about how to diffuse the situation.

She lifted her arms over her face and tugged at her short hair. "Just-" she shook her head and stood up.

Riyaadh took another step away from her.

"Seriously?"

She took a step towards him and he forced himself to stay rooted to his spot.

This was too familiar, and he didn't like it.

"Riyaadh, please, just talk to me."

His neck itched and his stomach cramped as she took another step towards him.

She took another, and another until she was an arm's length away from him. She reached out to touch his cheek. "Please. I just need to know what's going on."

He shrunk away from her and turned around, closing himself off from her. He didn't hear her walk away. He didn't even know if he had but he didn't need to. He shook his hands, trying to dispel the shakes. It wouldn't work.  He could barely even keep his thumb on the fork of his lighter long enough to spark it.

He scrolled through his textbook, highlighting what he assumed was necessary before bookmarking the sections. "Studying for your AEA exam?"

"Yup." Riyaadh shifted in his seat as Farhana sat down beside him.

"Oh, good."

He knew that tone. She was biding her time but she was angry.

"I thought you said you were working late today." She turned to him, and gently pushed his tablet down onto his lap.

"I was..."

"Oh. Okay." She nodded her head, and turned back to face the wall. "You're not lying, right?"

He shook his head.

"You sure."

"Yes, Farhana. I'm sure." He kept his voice even.

"It's just that your mother phoned to tell you that you left your work phone at her house." She turned around again, smiling at him. "So what were you doing there?"

"I-" he set his tablet onto the table in front of them, and tried to stop his knees from bouncing. "I had to drop something off."

"But if you dropped something off, why would you have forgotten your keys inside?" She rubbed her hand over his knee, forcing it to stay still.

"I-"

"You lied. You know I don't like it when you lie to me, Riyaadh."

"I know." He bit his tongue as he realised what he had let slip.

"So, you admit that you lied?" she sidled up to him and kissed his ear.

"Uhm hmm." He moved his head away but she tightened her grasp on him.

"Don't lie to me again." She kisses his ear again before she tugged his earlobe between her teeth. "Okay?"

"Okay." His knee began to bounce again and her hand couldn't stop it this time.

"Good." She bit down on his earlobe, hard enough to hear him gasp, yet still she wouldn't let go. He shook his head but sheonly bit down until he pushed her away from him.

She kissed the side of his cheek and walked back in, humming a song known only to herself...

***

He hadn't seen her up until she had joined him that night on the balcony. She smiled at the half smoked cigarette lying in the bowl as an affectionate Tommo curled himself beside Riyaadh. "Worried about his lungs?"

"Something like that." He dropped his foot from where it leaned against the table and shifted enough so that she could sit beside him.

They had sat in silence for such a long time that he was sure she would give up and walk back in. "Do you remember when you took me out before we got married?"

He smiled at the memories. He had taken her out a few times and she always fascinated him with her relaxed approach to everything. "Yup. Why?"

"I always thought you were just shy. I liked you even though you didn't talk all that much and I assumed that you'd only talk when you were comfortable around someone."

He was unsure of what she wanted him to say so he didn't say anything at all.

"And then we got married and I thought that maybe you'd be able to feel comfortable with me too. I was so sure that you liked being with me. You never gave me reason to believe otherwise." She didn't look at him. She looked down at the cat or she looked to her other side but she didn't look at him. "But then I thought about it." she shivered as the cold Autumn breeze brushed over her skin. "I don't know anything aside from what I can see. I don't know who you are, but I love you regardless."

His eyes widened at the words that had slipped from her mouth. He didn't even think she realised she had said it.

"But I don't think you love me back."

What?

"I thought that you were ready to get married again. I really thought you would have been ready to the idea of loving someone else but I don't think you are."

"I-"

What was he supposed to say? Was he supposed to tell her that he thought he was ready too but he didn't think he was either?

"What happened yesterday?"

She finally looked at him.

It was then that he realised that she hadn't let anything slip. She had meant to tell him that she loved him. Like everything about her, she was sure of that too.

"Please will you tell me." She implored, inching only a little closer to him.

"My-" he shook his head, "Farhana is married."

She quirked her eyebrow. "Your ex-wife?"

"Uhm hmm."

She rubbed her fingernail across her lip, scraping it till it grew red and swollen.

"Was that why you were angry?"

"I suppose."

She looked down at her lap, considering her words carefully.

"Didn't you think she would ever get married again?"

He shrugged his shoulders, unsure if he had ever thought about it.

"Were you jealous?"

He looked away. In that second, he understood his anger. He understood why he felt betrayed... deep in his heart, he was jealous that she had found someone that wasn't him.

"You were jealous." Her voice broke over the last word.

She began scraping at her lips once again as her knee bounced against his own.

"And that's why you haven't even kissed me in the three months we've been married. You've barely touched me. You've barely even allowed yourself to be with me..." she covered her mouth with her hand, physically ill at the thought of it. "You want me to just stay in limbo with you, isn't it? I'm just supposed to stay celibate and stagnant while you figure out what you want in your life." Her voice grew louder with every word as she became more and more angry. "Didn't you think about me, Riyaadh? Didn't you think that I might have loved you and that I was waiting for you, but you wouldn't ever be mine, would you?"

Every word was an ache to his heart. He was selfish and uncaring. He married her knowing he couldn't be with her the way she needed him to be. He married her still uncertain if he was out of love with Farhana.

"You're still hers. In your mind, she's still your wife and I'm just the poor pop who got suckered into it with you."

She rubbed at her eyes, but the tears wouldn't stop coming.

"I want you, Riyaadh. I want to be with you. I want to stay with you but I can't be with you if you don't know what you want."

"I'm sorry."

"You're sorry?" she laughed but she didn't find it funny. "What's that going to do, hmm?"

"I don't know what else to say."

"You just be you, Riyaadh, and don't say anything at all."

And she stood up and walked away.

I'm sorry. I know it's a shitty thing to do. I should have told you when I left this morning, but I didn't know how to say it after last night. I'm sorry. I was mean and I was nasty and I shouldn't have walked away the way I did.

I haven't left you. Please don't think that I have. My mum needs help moving, and I thought the time apart would give you some time to gain perspective. You need to decide what you want. And I hope, I hope, I hope (!) that you realise that you want me. I wasn't lying when I said I love you. I truly mean it. I love you. I love your kindness and your shyness and your dimples. I love the way it feels when you hold me and I love watching you with Tom Tom. But I believe that I can find far deeper reasons to love you if you'd allow me to.

Maybe we can take it slow. Maybe I was so focused on just being married to you that I didn't actually think about you. Maybe we need to truly know each other first.

I hope you reply.

And I'm sorry I couldn't take Tommo with. My mum is really allergic to cats. But he loves you so... I'm so sorry! I've bought enough food for two weeks as well as his treats. They're all beneath the basin in the left cupboard.