He was perched on his bathroom counter, amassing cigarette stumps beside him. Saudah wouldn't like it but he couldn't see her just then. He needed to think. He needed to wrap his head around what had happened.

She had gotten married.

Farhana had gotten married and had moved on with her life. It wasn't right.

He stubbed out one smoke and picked up the next. His knee was bouncing on the counter and his fingers were shaking as he held his lighter up to his cigarette. 

He was feeling hot. He was feeling too hot as smoke surrounded him. He pulled of his shirt and tossed it onto the towel rack before he took another puff.

He tapped his fingers along his thigh, trying to take as deep a breath as he could between each puff. How could she do it? What would she do? Would she do the same things to her new husband or was it just him? What if it was just him? What if she only ever wanted to hurt him? What if he had been wrong? What if it was his fault? What if they were still married? Would she still hurt him?

Should he have divorced her?

Maybe she would have changed. Maybe she would have been better. She wasn't always bad. She loved him, didn't she?

Maybe she didn't. But he was so sure she did.

He closed his eyes and leaned against the cold mirror behind him. He was sure she loved him.

"I'm sorry, Riyaadh. You know I don't mean it, right. I'm so sorry." Farhana dipped another pad of cotton wool into her Dettol solution. "I'm so sorry." She brushed her lips over his forehead before she grazed the cut along his arm with the little soaked pad. "I didn't mean it but sometimes you just make me so mad."

She sat onto his lap and wrapped her arms around his shoulder. "You believe me, right? I love you, Riyaadh. I didn't want to. I don't know what came over me." She kissed the side of his neck and sighed when his shoulders stiffened. "Please. Please, let me make it up to you."

"How Farhana?"

"Please." Tears fell onto his skin as she buried her face in neck, tightening her hold on him. "Please let me make it better. I hate that I keep hurting you." She kissed his neck and his cheek and his nose and his eyes. "Please."

He wanted to stay mad. He did. But he was so sure she meant it. If he thought about it, it wasn't really her fault. She threw her plate at the wall and it rebounded onto him. She didn't mean to.

"And if you do it again?"

She breathed out a sigh of relief when his arms tightened around her waist.

"I won't. I promise. I'll stop. I'll think first, okay. I promise." She grinned at him, happiness radiating from her very core. She peppered loud, smacking kisses all over his face, laughing as he fell back in shock. She carried on kissing him. Kissing everything of him that she could reach till she grew tired and rested her head on his chest. "I love you, Riyaadh. You know that, right? You're the first person I've ever loved."

"I know." He ran his hand mindlessly over her back, tickling her as he brushed against her side.

"And you love me too, right?" she lifted her head, watching him.

"You know I do." He kissed the top of her head as he allowed his hands to wander just a little lower.

"Say it."

"Say what?"

"Tell me you love me, silly!"

She gasped as he nudged her up, allowing him to kiss her lips. "I love you."

Her lips were soft on his own but her hands were demanding. She was already unbuttoning his shirt and running her hand down his chest, delighting in all the thousands of goosebumps peppering his skin. "Good. Then I'm happy."

And she kissed him once more, shivering as his hands found their way beneath the hem of her nightie...

He shook his head, ridding himself of the memory. She loved him. He was sure of it. He leaned back against the mirror, floating into nothingness. No thoughts, no memories, no smoke... just nothing.

***

"Your mum phoned today." Saudah said, breaking the silence that had encompassed them since before dinner.

"Oh, okay." He dished up onto his plate.

"She wanted me to tell you that your cousin is getting married." Saudah dished out for herself, yet in all that time he had yet to reply. "Riyaadh?"

His head snapped up to her, his fork stuck halfway between his plate and his mouth. "Hmm?"

"Your cousin is getting married."

He nodded his head, chewing first before he could answer. "Which cousin?"

"Yaaseen."

"To who?"

"Uhm..." Saudah set her fork back onto her plate, "To his ex-wife?"

"Layla?"

"Yup."

"Oh."

Riyaadh was stumped. How could he marry his ex-wife again?

"Uhm hmm..." Saudah looked around, smiling as Tommy mewed up at her. "And you're awake already?" Saudah asked, lifting him out of the shoebox he had nestled into. "It's a good thing the vet gave you the all clear, isn't it, Tom Tom?"

He sniffed at her plate, mewing as if begging for a taste. "Huh uh, boytjie. Kittens shouldn't be eating pasta." She scratched him beneath his ear, rubbing him along his jawline till he nuzzled against her hand.

The scene in front of him was a happy one. Saudah was content to just be. Why couldn't he have that? Why couldn't he allow himself to be content? He was almost jealous of her. He was jealous of her happiness. He was jealous that she could be carefree. She was free to love and laugh and do whatever she wanted. He hated his feelings but he he couldn't stop them. he hated how angry he felt and no matter how much he tried to rationalise it,  he couldn't stop feeling pure anger towards the woman in front of him.

The food turned to ash in his mouth. He no longer felt compelled to eat even a single bite and he pushed his plate to the side.

"You okay?" Saudah asked, putting Tommy down beside her.

"Ya, I'm just full."

"Sure?" She leaned forward as if to check his temperature when Riyaadh caught her hand midway.

"I'm just full." He was harsher than he intended to be but it got her to back off.

"If you say so..."

He stood up and took his plate to the dishwasher before he washed up. He needed to escape from her. 

 He didn't even want to smoke. He just wanted to be. He just wanted to be who he was before everything.

He took out a cigarette and watched the people go by below him. It was a reflex reaction. He didn't even think about the box in his pocket or the lighter at his mouth. He didn't even realise that he had taken a puff until his lungs burned and he was forced to let it out.

The grey smoke escaped in little, wispy tendrils into the night sky. It was there and then it was gone. He looked down once again. They were all going along with their own lives, unaware of who was watching. If they had looked up, would they even see him? Would anyone see him?

He smoked until his box was light and the sky had darkened to its blackest shade just before dawn...

And it was only then that he realised that Saudah hadn't joined him.

He walked in, softening his steps upon the hard-wood floors as he walked into their bedroom. Tommy was perched on Saudah's pillow, curled around her neck and with each of her own deep breaths, his body picked up and dropped down with her.

He bent down beside her and looked at her sleep. The moon glimmered through their gossamer curtains and highlighted her open back and her short hair. She looked ethereal and beautiful. The anger in his chest had disappeared... gone as if they were wispy grey trails of smoke. It wasn't her fault. She didn't deserve it.

She didn't deserve any of it.

He kissed her forehead. Nothing more than a simple meeting of his lips upon her skin but it was enough for her to move closer to him and his warmth. "I'm sorry." He said too softly for either of them to hear but he needed to say it.

And one last kiss. This one on the corner of her lips- barely touching them. 

I'm sorry.