Like a rug pulled out from under us

One that we tripped on

Sometimes this is just so hard to go on

Go into the wild unknown

Red lights staining my eyes

Struggling to breathe

Struggling to receive

That which I know is mine

I can hear it calling but I'm deaf

Too afraid to move

Too afraid of death

Too afraid of what's in front of us

More afraid of what we left behind

I want what is mine

Not a doubt in my mind

But this shame smothers me

Who am I kidding?

We don't deserve anything at all

Just a trick of the mind

A pregnant fallacy 

Birthed since infancy

Shoved down our throats

As we prepare the goats

The dowry for our minds

--the song What We Left Behind, lyrics by Orion Bauwens

Once we're back in the States, Gloria tells us the happy news. EMI has agreed to shift money allocated towards video production into a room and board fund. Orion, Ben, and myself had never discussed it previously. That day Orion had brought us all in and said there was enough money "for the three of us" was the first we had ever addressed living situations.

Any other group of people probably would have been pissed at Orion for his presumptuous ways. But honestly? When he did stuff like that we trusted him. Not only did we trust him, but he had this weird sixth sense of knowing what everyone wanted. As soon as he said, "all of us" and the word "Vermont", it sounded perfect.

Orion said that I needed to leave it to him to tell his parents. When I told mine I was pleasantly surprised how okay they were with it. They went so far as to gift me the car they let me borrow when I lived there.

I'm not sure what changed...Maybe they saw how happy I was. Maybe they resigned themselves to the fact that we were a serious outfit, famous, that this was our actual career. Regardless, I'm happy to say I now had their loving support. (An apology would have been nice, but ya gotta pick your battles, yaknow?)

Ben's mom was heartbroken. Lots of tears. Ben always had been a bit of a mama's boy, so coming to terms he would be moving thousands of miles away was hard on both of them.

"There's Skype, yaknow," I reminded him what felt like every day.

"Yeah, I know," he would tell me glumly.

I spent the last few days in Michigan at my parents place. Orion told me he wanted to drive to Vermont. I thought that was a little strange, but I didn't question it. I also thought it was a little weird when he requested I pick him up at two in the morning. While I wasn't really happy setting out that early, I understood; he wanted to get an early start, get on the highway before the morning rush hour.

However, my suspicion grew when he came out of his residence quickly. He jumped in my car and urged me to go. He had his guitar, a bag, and that was it.

"Uh, wanna put that stuff in the trunk?"

"I will later," he says, eyes darting around. "Go. Just go."

I give him a questioning look but back out of the trailer park at his request. It's not until we hit the highway did he relax. Up until then he was jumpy, craning his neck around to look out the back window. It wouldn't be until over a decade later would I find out he was so God damn jumpy because he had just stolen nine hundred dollars from his parents.

I know exactly why he didn't tell me. Had he told me I would've throw him out of the fucking car. Or I would've driven him straight back to his parents house. Or maybe the police station. So he was wise not to tell me.

In a few days' time we were looking at houses in Vermont. We found a quaint little town that seemed to be under the radar. Victoria houses aligned a cul de sac. These weren't as big as the Victorian's we had found in other places. Those were too expensive and quite frankly too huge.

Even so, these are six room bedroom houses. I'm not complaining though--I love it. It's spacious and gorgeous. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't also fantasized about the sweet parties I could throw here.

We had miraculously lucked out by finding a subdivision that had multiple houses for sale. It was unbelievable. No, literally, it was unbelievable. To this day I can't fathom how we managed to get three houses so close to each other. If I believed in a higher entity, I'd think it was divine intervention--for Orion's sake. Aside from that I guess it's just brilliant luck.

It takes a while; going into it, I had zero idea what it took to buy property. None of us did. Gloria was kind enough to help us with the process. We also, of course, had our lawyer look over everything. Once we understood everything we signed, and by December of that year we were all the proud new owners of houses in Vermont.

We moved in on Ben's birthday. It was cold and snowy, but that's okay. We were pretty much officially broke after our purchases, after closing fees and lawyer bills, so we did our own move-in. Not like it really mattered--we had so little to move our collective stuff only needed one box truck.

Once we were moved in, we celebrated Ben's birthday. It was simple--we ordered some pizza (which was funny, we forgot what his address was and had to go look), stayed in, and talked. It was laid back. It was intimate and innocent.

Little did any of us know that Ben's birthday would be the last time we did anything innocent. After that, we'd bury deep what remaining childhood innocence we had.

~

After Christmas, we're invited to a New Years party.

"Who?" I ask Orion.

"Brad Pierce. Singer for The Crazy Eights?"

"Oh fuck! I know them! I like them, I just forgot his name!"

"Ohhh," Ben says. "I've heard of them." He pauses. "Wait. They're huge."

I scrunch up my nose. "How in the hell did we get invited to that?"

Orion shrugs. "He went to one of our concerts. He liked us. He called me up."

I can't believe how nonchalant Orion is saying all this. Ben laughs excitedly.

"Oh my God--he called you?"

"Yeah." Orion grins, taking a drag from his cigarette. "Can you imagine my surprise?"

"How did you know it was him?!" I ask, prompting an eye roll from Orion.

"It sounded like him?"

"How did he get your number?!" Ben asks, still laughing.

"Apparently he called EMI, who pointed him to Gloria, and Gloria gave it to him."

Ben grabs his hair, pulling his forehead back, eyes bulging. He's still laughing. "Are you for real?"

Orion merely grins, smoking his cigarette.

"Are we going?" I ask.

Ben looks at me. "Are you crazy?! Yes we're fucking going!" His eyes go wide. "Oh my God. Who else is going to be there? What am I going to wear?!"

Orion laughs at him. "Calm down. It's not for another two days. Plus--" he raises his voice higher, putting his hands to his cheeks. "Like, oh my god, what am I going to wear! I'm suddenly Cinderella!"

Ben rolls his eyes. "Fuck off, Ori. Besides, what are you going to wear?"

I laugh. "Yeah--I think out of anyone here you're the most girly, with how fashionable you like looking..."

"I do not!" he snaps.

"Okay," Ben says, laughing again, "Mr. I wear eyeliner and designer black jackets that cost a fortune."

Orion sticks his slightly upturned nose into the air. "I like to look good, so? And I shop outlet malls. It's not that expensive."

"If we've reached a point where we're going to be celebrating New Years with Brad fucking Pierce, I don't think you'll have to be shopping at outlets for much longer."

Orion merely grins.