Wish I could give you spring

Save you from this desolate frost

We used to drive so well together

But one night

We decided to walk too much

I thought my mouth had broken

I thought my hands had burst into flames

But I was just panicking

It's what I do best

So break this ice

Take a pick to it

We have to try to fix it

--unpublished lyrics by Orion Bauwens

It takes fifteen days before any of us speak. I mean, not like I was marking the days off in red marker on my calendar or anything. 

We should have been working on our latest album. We should have been preparing for our upcoming concert. But instead we all were just pent up in our own separate houses, brooding (or at least that's what I did).

On the fifteenth day at noon Orion called me.

"Hey."

"Hey."

He sounds beyond miserable and I can't help but frown.

"We need to talk. I mean the three of us." He sniffs, but I don't think he's crying. "I want to do a three way call, if that's okay with you."

"Sure, whatever."

We get Ben on the phone, and I put my cell on speaker and set it on the coffee table, leaning back into my comfortable couch and crossing my arms. I can't help but wonder why we're not just doing this in person, but whatever.

"Thanks for picking up," Orion tells Ben.

"Ya-huh."

He sounds guarded, curt.

"We need to talk about the future," Orion says. "Our future together. The band. Are we even doing the band anymore?"

No one answers.

"Jake," Orion says, "you didn't say a word during the fight. You're part of the band, so I would really appreciate your opinion and input on the matter."

"Are you trying to make me take a side?" I ask defensively.

"Fuck you. No. God!" Orion tisks. "Why am I just now learning you guys hate my fucking guts?"

"No one hates you, Orion," Ben replies gruffly.

"Could have fooled me."

"It was an honest question!" I say. "That's why I didn't say anything during the fight. I didn't want you jumping down my throat. Jesus..."

"So what do you think then?" Orion asks me.

I sigh and rub my unshaven face. I've kinda been a wreck the past two weeks. I lean forward, literally twiddling my thumbs out of nervousness.

"Look. I think everything everyone said is valid."

"Oh stop trying to be the fucking good guy like always," Ben snaps at me.

"Excuse you, let me talk!" I pause to solidify that I have the floor. "We unearthed a lot of pent up resentment, resentment I don't think any of us were consciously aware of, right?"

I get mumbles of agreement.

"And while it could've been handled better--" this is why I don't do drugs! "--I think this fight needed to happen before Saturn Mutants completely imploded, or friendships were irreconcilably damaged."

Orion snorts.

"What?"

"I feel like that's what happened?"

"We could use it as a stepping stone instead."

"Ben fucking attacked me! Several times!"

"Because you're a mess!" Ben chimes in.

"Enough!" I snap. I wonder how the hell things got so bad so quickly. "What can we do to make this better?"

"Nothing," Orion and Ben say simultaneously.

"Come on. We have to be truthful."

There's a long pause. I drum my fingers on the arm of the couch, waiting.

"I'm really insecure about my writing," Orion finally speaks. "It really sucks that you guys don't give me input ever. Some encouragement and support would be nice occasionally."

"I don't do that because you're as fragile as an unboiled egg," Ben snarls.

"Knock it off with the insults Ben," I snap. "You don't have room to talk either, with how you're so fucking afraid of confrontation you let it come to this. Should I call you names now, too, like a child?"

"Sorry," he mumbles.

"If this is going to work...any of it. Our friendships, the band...There's clearly been a breakdown in communication. We need to stop tip toeing around each other and say what needs to be said," I continue.

Orion sniffs again, and now I'm not so sure that he isn't crying. "Ben, I'd really like your input in my songs because you're a fucking phenomenal lyricist and I respect you for that, and I think it would do nothing but make the band better."

Ben sounds surprised. "You mean that?"

"I do."

"Okay, see?" I say excitedly. "This is good."

Orion sniffs and he's definitely crying. Not like, losing his shit, but yeah. "Look, guys...I never wanted to strong arm you into anything. I didn't even want to be the leader, it just kinda happened."

"Okay I'm sorry, but I wave the bullshit flag."

He's surprised at my response. "W-what?"

"Maybe you didn't want to, but come on, Ori. You're the one that spearheads projects. You're the one that dictates the direction of our jam and recording sessions. You're the one that's hard on us if we get too silly or screw up too much. You're the one that stays at the recording studio until three in the morning doing final edits." I shake my head. "So no, Orion, it didn't just happen like you claim."

"I'm driven, so?" he says angrily. "Just because I'm driven doesn't mean I put on a fucking crown and told you two to bow to me."

"Well, ya kinda act like that sometimes."

"Are you fucking serious right now Jake?"

"Yes!" I say exasperatedly, "I am! You're like a slave driver sometimes. It's like you forget we're mere mortals and aren't as musically gifted as you, and you get mad at us for mistakes! Like, really mad, Orion! It's not fucking fair and I'm sick of it! That's why it's called practice!"

There's a very long silence. I would have thought that the call dropped if not for the call duration readout. Finally Orion sniffs and then speaks.

"I hate to say this but I think we need a break."

I let out a long breath, slowly closing my eyes.

"We need a break from the band, and from each other. We've been pounding away at this stuff since High School and we're in our twenties now. I think--I think we just need to stop for a bit. Get out of each other's hair. And we'll come back refreshed hopefully and..."

Now I feel like crying. There's more silence.

"We're supposed to be finishing up the album," Ben says quietly.

"Yeah, well," Orion says. "I'll talk to Gloria, see if we can get the release date pushed back. I mean, if you guys want. I don't have to, one of you could reach out to her. I don't want to step on anyone's toes."

"Go ahead," Ben says with no animosity.

"Fine," I say miserably.

"I'll text you both what Gloria says once she responds. Besides that... anyone want to add anything?"

"I love you guys," I say, because I really feel like everything is fucked and this is the end, and I don't want that.

"We know," Orion says when Ben says nothing.

"Bye," Ben says abruptly, the single word filled with searing animosity, and hangs up.

It makes me gasp and I cover my mouth, looking at the phone. Orion is still connected. I watch the seconds tick by.

"You okay?" he asks me softly.

"I don't want this," I say, nearly breaking down. "I feel like I'm getting a divorce or something."

"I know." I'm a little surprised at how calm Orion sounds. "It'll be okay Jake."

"Will it?"

Fifteen seconds go by.

"Goodbye Jake."

Call Ended.