**TRIGGER WARNING** Implied physical abuse.

This is not a drill, this is not a test

Don't mind me, I'm just trying my best

You can't cry for something that's been spent

There's just this hole, an irrevocable dent

If I could count the times I was sorry

I'd have twelves hands all over my body

Why don't you just go around

While I'm standing here, staking my ground

What I'm doing isn't for show

I'm not some innocent wide-eyed doe

This is for all the timid folk

Who never raised up their voice and spoke

I'm sorry for the things I said

I'm sorry they got locked up in your head

Forever filled with all this sorrow

I sometimes wish there wasn't tomorrow

So lets cross this bridge and blow it up

I'll drag you across like my scorned pup

Lets watch the pieces sink to the floor

Like the memories I did so adore

Watch out, here lies a murky pit

Filled with rage and pent up shit

Lets scrape ourselves up off the ground

And leap back on this merry-go-round

--The song Merry-Go-Round, Lyrics by Orion Bauwens

"We need to call all parents of the parties involved."

"No, no, it's fine, really--"

"Orion," Mr. Dickerson says strictly, glaring at Orion who had jumped to his feet. "All parents. Not just yours."

Orion does his nervous chirp-laugh and sits back down.

"Given the severity of this," the principal continues, "the authorities will have to be notified."

"You know what," Orion gets to his feet again, "just forget I said anything--we. Forget we said anything--"

I yank him back into his seat. He whimpers.

About an hour later everyone's parents are crammed into the principal's office. We have to move out into the main office once the cops show up. The entire situation is...weird. I can honestly say I never imagined my Freshman year of High School would end in the principal's office with the cops, bloodied, while they took statements about how a fellow Freshman tried to shank my best friend. (Little did I know at the time this was just the event horizon.)

After statements are given, the cops leave. We're still all expected to stay.

"This has been an ongoing issue," Mr. Dickerson says to everyone, crossing their arms. "It has escalated well beyond acceptable parameters. Both Orion and Daryl have remained rather tight lipped about the reason behind this feud. That ends right here, right now."

Daryl is nowhere to be found. Between the three of us we figured out who the other four boys were. Daryl appears to have fled with three others, and only one returned to school with his parents. So instead I look at Orion's parents; this is my first time seeing them.

"There was an--incident," Daryl's mother says through tight pursed lips. "It happened just before eighth grade ended."

Orion is sandwiched between his parents. As Daryl's mom speaks, Orion sort of folds in on himself. It's like he's trying to make himself as physically small as possible. He refuses to look at anyone. The portly man at his side, with a mostly bald head except for the few stringy strands that are combed over, is glaring daggers at Orion.

Right off the bat I hate his dad. Here his son was, with probably a broken nose, maybe a broken rib (no one else seemed to pay attention to how he was holding his side, and took it at face value when he insisted to everyone he was fine), and he was glaring at him? He was the victim.

"It resulted in both Orion and my Daryl to be expelled from school."

My head looks back to Orion. He's now brought his legs up, hiding behind his knees with his arms wrapped around them.

"It also resulted with them being denied entry into St. Paul's High School."

I shift my eyes over to Orion's mom. She's a tiny wisp of a woman, with brown hair and small beady eyes. I can't tell if she's trying not to cry or if her eyes are just strangely watery. She's staring straight ahead, her lips slightly pursed.

"What was the incident?"

"Doesn't matter," Daryl's mother snaps immediately.

Mr. Dickerson does not look amused. "Actually, it does. For your son to continually harass Orion--"

Daryl's mother laughs bitterly. "Orion attacked my son last year--"

Orion's head snaps up and he immediately is shouting. "I did not!"

Daryl's mother leaps to her feet. "You want to talk about harassment? Then in the middle of the summer Orion contacted Daryl and continued his harassment of my son--"

Orion jumps to his feet now. "What? I met him at the park to apologize! And he fucking jumped me--"

"Language," Mr. Dickerson growls.

Orion turns to him. "You know what, fuck you--"

"See what sort of sinful, uncouth broot this child is?" Daryl's mother shouts before the principal can even answer. "Anyway. His parents--" she glares venom at them, "refused to do anything."

She looks smug now, entitled, and it makes me want to punch her. She lifts her head, literally looking down her nose at Orion. "No wonder he turned out like he did."

"And no wonder Daryl turned out how he did," Mr. Dickerson snaps at her.

I nearly laugh. But Mr. Dickerson is red, and Daryl's mother has turned white as a vanilla ice cream. Mr. Dickerson gets to his feet now.

"Mrs. Frenum, Orion, sit." When neither move, he raises his voice. "Now."

Orion bursts into tears and sinks into his seat. "I didn't--I didn't attack anyone--"

"Oh stop it," Mrs. Frenum snaps at him, also sitting. "Stop your theatrics, acting like you're the victim while you left my son terrorized."

Orion curls up again.

"Enough," the principal snaps. He then sighs, rubbing his forehead. "At this point I suppose it doesn't matter what started all this. My decision stands--Daryl is to be expelled, permanently, from this school."

"WHAT?" Daryl's mom leaps to her feet.

"He brought a weapon to school. We have a zero-tolerance policy here, just like every other school in the country--"

"He's lying!" I'm alarmed when Daryl's mother walks over to Orion and starts screaming at him. "Tell them you're lying!"

She smacks his arm. My parents jump up. Ben's parents jump up. I'm sickened when Orion's parents don't move. "You ruined my son's life!"

"Get out now!" Mr. Dickerson shouts at her. "You just hit a minor, I am calling the police back--"

"Oh I barely tapped him!" she screams. "Don't worry, I'm leaving! Gladly! You'll be hearing from my lawyer!"

Mr. Dickerson merely laughs at her. She walks away in her black high heels, slamming the door behind her.

"Orion," Mr. Dickerson says gently, "I am so, so sorry about that."

Orion lurches to his feet. His head remains down. "I'd like--I'd like to leave n-now. If t-that's alright."

"Of course..."

Without another word, Orion runs from the room. I watch as his parents wordlessly follow. I just sit in my chair, wondering what the hell just happened.

~

Orion doesn't attend the last days of school. I can't say I blame him. I'm sad when he doesn't return my phone calls though, and he doesn't reply to my texts. So, early Saturday morning, the first wonderful weekend of summer vacation, I do a bit of snooping. I know he's going to be pissed but honestly? I don't give a damn.

I stand outside of the trailer, frowning. To the right is a rusted station wagon up on cement blocks. I think it was blue, maybe, at some point? It's now mostly orange thanks to rust. I can't help but wonder how long the piece of shit has sat there for.

I look around myself. The road in this trailer park is gravel. While none of the trailers are exactly nice, the address I have for Orion's is...Well, it's one of the rougher one's. It's old. It looks stuck in the, I don't know, 50's? It looks like people should be practicing duck and cover. When I knock on the door I half expect Mrs. Bauwens to answer the door in a poodle skirt.

Instead she's just in her usual frumpy manner. Pleated tan slacks, a white blouse, a pale blue sweater. She looks at me with her beady brown eyes, confused. "Can I help you?"

"Uh, is this the Bauwens residence?"

"It is."

"Er, is Orion home?"

"Yes..."

An awkward pause. Seriously?

"Could...you tell him Jake is here?"

She narrows her eyes slightly. "You were one of the boys in the principal's office, weren't you?"

I smile. "Was it the shiner that gave it away?"

She narrows her eyes and then rolls them. "You would be his friend...hold on."

As she closes the door on me, I frown. I had meant it as a joke...Note to self--do not attempt humor with his parents.

The door flies open. Orion stands before me. He looks even worse than he did. The entire right side of his face is one huge bruise. He has two black eyes, I can only assume caused by his bruised and clearly broken nose.

His lip ring is out--it looks like it was probably ripped out. His bottom lip is swollen and purple. He's wearing his glasses, and his hair doesn't look like it's seen a hairbrush--or a shower--since last I saw him.

I gasp.

"What the fuck are you doing here?"

"I wanted to see if you were alright--fuck Orion, do you need to go to the hospital?!"

"I'm fine."

I shove him back into the trailer, forcing myself in. He looks absolutely horrified. "Have ya looked in a mirror recently?! You are not fine!"

"I'm fine," Orion snarls at me.

"He refused to go, so."

I look to the right. His mom is standing in the kitchen, doing...something. I can't tell if she's doing food prep or if she's just moving around to make it seem like she's doing something. The kitchen is yellow--like, the entire damn thing minus the appliances. Even the lampshade that hangs over the table from a golden chain.

I frown deeply. He refused to go? He's thirteen--if I were his parents I'd drag his ass there, kicking and screaming. What was with his folks?

To the left of the door is the family room. It's also stuck in a decade that is not current. The carpet is pressed plush red, flat and threadbare in some spots. On the ground in the left most corner sits a TV. Against the wood paneled wall is a red couch, equally threadbare, the cushions having permanent ass prints on them.

In the middle of the room is a light brown leather recliner. Orion's dad is sitting there, watching TV. When I look at him, he looks at me.

"You were one of the boys that helped Orion, right?"

"Yes sir."

He lumbers to his feet. Out of the corner of my eye I see Orion look at him suspiciously. But his dad does nothing more than walk over to me and hold out his hand. So I take it, shaking it.

"I want to say thank you," his dad says; his voice is very deep. "Orion might be a bit of a screw-up, but he's also largely misunderstood. I'm happy he has some friends." He throws a look at Orion. "Maybe you can help straighten him out."

That was the strangest, most insult-laden, few sentences I had ever heard. I'm not even sure how to respond to that. I glance at Orion. I'm starting to understand, I think, why he's weird.

"Uh... you're welcome?"

His dad chuckles and smiles at me, then sits back down and goes back to staring at the TV. Orion taps my shoulder, rolling his eyes.

"Well you just got the grand tour, so c'mon."

At the back of the trailer are two doors, side by side. Orion takes out a key from his pocket, unlocking the right door. I follow him and he shuts it, locking us in.

I look around his room. Directly in front of us is a large wooden desk. A computer sits on it, papers and magazines strewn about. To the left is a closet with two sliding doors, one of which is open and I can see his black wardrobe. To the right is his bed, messy and unmade. Above this is a long wooden shelf, filled with magazines, comic books, some reading books, and guitar technique books.

The walls in here are wood paneling, too, but you can only see tiny sections peeking out. He's covered everything in band posters; it's practically wallpaper. Behind the computer desk is a set of wooden blinds, but they're drawn tightly. I frown at how dark it is in here--dude would probably benefit from some pink sunlight.

"I like your room," I tell him. I'm not lying--it's very him.

He plops down on his bed, beginning to pick at his nails. "Thanks."

"So are all those bruises from the fight?"

He lifts his head. "What's that supposed to mean?"

I shrug, looking down at my feet. "Your dad seems kinda like a prick."

"Could you say that any louder? I don't think Russia heard you."

"I said it quietly."

Orion rolls his eyes.

I sit next to him, and now I do speak quietly. "So...are you going to tell me what's with you and Daryl, or no?"

"Here," Orion says, "there's one more thing I want to show you."

He stoops over, yanking open a trap door I hadn't even noticed on the floor in front of his bed. He comes around the door and begins to descend into the floor. Curious I come around, looking down a set of stairs. Intrigued, I follow him.

It's not much, but it's a room. The floor is concrete. There's an old, tattered green couch and a TV. The TV has a Nintendo Switch hooked up to it, and a pile of games are stacked neatly up against the wall. On the opposite wall sits a multi-disc cd player; jewel cases litter the floor.

I'm stunned. "I didn't know trailers had basements."

Orion shrugs, flopping down on the couch. He then winces. "Ow."

"This is pretty cool."

"Yeah. I think it's supposed to be used as storage or something, but we live pretty lean on accounta, you know, being piss poor, so they let this be my little space." He chuckles, shaking his head. "It's mainly because my dad can't give up his precious TV time and doesn't want my game system upstairs."

"If you're that poor, why doesn't your mom get a job?"

He looks at me directly in the eyes. "He doesn't let her."

Holy shit, this entire place really is stuck in the fifties. I can't help the stunned look that sweeps over my face. "Uhhhh..."

"Yeah. I can't wait to get out of this fucking shit hole."

"I'm sorry."

Orion merely shrugs, putting his hands behind his head as he lounges. I walk over, tapping his foot to move. He draws up his legs so I can sit.

"No really. I'm really, really, sorry Ori."

He looks at me. "I know."

"I wish I could do something."

He merely shrugs. We sit in silence for a while.

"So...Daryl."

Orion sits up and crosses his legs. "If I tell you something, you have to promise not to say one word."

"Promise."

"To anyone."

"I promise."

"Not even Ben."

"Holy crap, dude, I promise."

"Swear on a dead relative's grave."

"Orion!"

He sits normally. Instead of looking at me he looks at his hands dangling between his knees. Orion nervously glances at me before starting.

"Daryl and I were good friends. Like, really really good friends. Best friends. Really close." He takes a deep breath and shuts his eyes. "Then I did something really stupid. I kissed him."

I screw up my face. "Why?"

Orion looks at me and rolls his eyes into the back of his head, signing heavily. "Why does anyone kiss anyone, nimrod?"

"Wait--you liked him?"

"Yeah," he scoffs quietly.

"But I thought you like Stacy?"

Orion looks at me like I'm the stupidest person on earth. "I do."

"Do you want to kiss her?"

"Yes!" he waves his arms in the air. "Are you really this stupid?!"

When it came to such matters, yes. Yes I was. "Wait--so you like guys and girls?"

"Yes. Ever heard of the term bisexual?"

"Psh, yeah!"

No. No I hadn't.

"Duh," he tells me impatiently.

Which... suddenly opened the door to a lot of things. Of course I knew about gay people, but it's like a jigsaw piece suddenly dropped into place in my head. Guys can like guys. I could like guys if I wanted to.

Did I want to?

I shook my head, concentrating again on our conversation even though my heart had sped up and I had suddenly realized I had a lot of thinking to do.

"So then what happened?"

"He told everyone. Everyone. He blabbed his mouth to anyone who would listen. He told his mom." He makes a disgusted face. "You saw how that lady is. She made a stink. But it backfired--even though I told them truthfully I was the one that kissed Daryl, they still expelled both of us and denied us entry into St. Paul's High."

"That's outrageous! Can they even do that?"

"It's a fucking private school, they can do whatever the hell they want."

"What reason did they give?"

"Officially it's indecent behavior. Unofficially it's because two guys kissing is a sin. Supposedly."

"They can't do that!"

He looks at me evenly. "Yes, they can. They can and they did, Jake." Orion looks down then and sniffs. "Everyone knew. St. John's is affiliated with Mother Mary--I assume that's where Stacy went?"

I nod.

"A lot of people from the boy's school and the girl's school talk, especially since there's a lot of brothers and sisters. So Stacy probably knows..."

He refuses to speak.

"What happened over last summer?"

Orion clenches his hands into fists. "I called him because I wanted to apologize. I got him to agree to meet up with me at the park up the road from here..."

I watch him squeeze his hands tighter and tighter until his knuckles are white. That can't be comfortable.

"He jumped me with two other guys. That's what started all this."

He suddenly breaks down. "All I wanted was to go to St. Paul's High School. All my friends went there. I was really looking forward to being in choir again. We don't even go to church anymore because no one sat by us, and no one talked to us, and during peace everyone just glanced us over."

He looks at me, tears rolling down his cheeks steadily, and it makes my very soul sad.

"Why did I do that? I ruined my entire life."

"Ori, you didn't ruin your entire life. Is there any job in this world that cares what someone did in eighth grade?"

"N-no."

"Hell, I don't even think they care about High School that much. They look at College and stuff."

"I just wish I hadn't done that," he laments. It sounds like he's begging. "I wish I could just take it back. I wish I hadn't seen something that wasn't there. I'm just so stupid."

"No you're not."

He looks at me pathetically, with his destroyed face, and it's the single saddest thing I've experienced in my life. "What the fuck is wrong with me?"

"There is nothing wrong with you, and I don't ever want to hear that come out of your mouth again, understand me?"

He curls up into a ball like he had done in the principal's office.

"There is nothing wrong with you Orion, and certainly not because you like guys. Do you understand me?"

He buries his head into his knees and rocks side to side. I bite my lip.

"Can I--can I hug you? Or would that be weird?"

"G-go ahead."

So I move over and wrap my arms around him, knees and all. It ends up being the longest hugs I've ever given anyone. Although after awhile I realize I'm not even really hugging him, I'm just holding him as he cries.

And honestly? That's fine. I get the feeling no one has held him like this for a long, long while.