Are you sitting to my right or left?

All that's left is this allegory

Follow this atrocious story

Careful so it doesn't suck you down

We called the demons of our own devices

They grabbed at us

Tugged us to the ground

Now we can't get up

It's funny how that's okay

Now we're not lonely anyway

It's funny how you claim you miss me

It's funny I was never there

It's funny you say you love me

It's funny I don't know what that is

Are you sitting to my right or left?

It's funny because no one's laughing

--The song Funny, lyrics by Orion Bauwens

I decided to fly out and visit my parents. I ended up staying out there for a month. It wasn't a planned thing on my part at all. One week turned into two, and then before I knew it two turned into a month.

The entire time I didn't speak to Ben or Orion. That also wasn't a planned thing. Had they reached out to me I would have. But they didn't, so I didn't, and it ate away at me every single day.

I didn't do much at my parents, just hung out. Most nights I stared at Stacy's old window before I went to sleep. It seemed like just yesterday she was alive, and we were in school without a care in the world. When did all that change? It was just a memory, just a wisp of the past I could never get back.

Stacy's parents had moved shortly after we moved to Vermont. It's not even Stacy's house anymore, but I yearned for that time. Back when things were safe and simple. 

I never knew that life could just sweep you up. I always thought that you were in control in your life, that only occasionally a life changing event would come and you couldn't do anything about it. But now that I was separated from my life, back in the safe cocoon of my childhood home, I realized that I was spun up in it like a tornado.

We had become famous without really asking for it. I had liked the idea of it--this shiny golden snow globe that had this perfect little world inside. But I don't think any of us knew that globe wasn't a surefire way to happiness.

No matter how much money you have, or don't, time doesn't discriminate against you. You only get a certain amount, and I was quickly feeling like I didn't have enough. The snow globe had morphed into a hourglass with an unknown amount of sand.

When my mom asked me when I was going back to Vermont (it wasn't in a passive aggressive way, it was a genuine question), I decided it was time to go back. Living at home, pretending I wasn't a rock star who's band may or may not have just disbanded, was nice and everything, don't get me wrong. But it was with that question I realized I was hiding from my problems, and it was time to stop.

I texted Orion, letting him know that I was heading back, since I had asked him to keep an eye on my house while I was gone. I was home not even an hour when the doorbell rang.

"Hey," I said to Orion, who stood on my porch with his head down.

"Hey." He looked at me with only his eyes. "Do you mind if I come in?"

I stepped aside, extending my arm. He walked in, his head was still down.

"So how've you been? What's up?"

Orion sort of twists his torso back and forth, hands in his pockets. It's been awhile since I've seen him so shy. "Not much. Oh--Gloria helped me get my driver's license, so I can drive now, finally."

"Cool."

When he finally lifted his head, he looked bashful, and his voice was a sweet whisper. "I missed you."

I go to him and kiss him, holding his face. I then take him upstairs, where we start innocently taking off each other's clothes. And while yeah, sex with Orion was never super rough because he didn't want to hurt me, this was... different. Tender.

Or maybe it wasn't, and I was just reading too deeply into it. Because not seeing him for a month resurfaced all the feelings I had been trying to deny this entire time. I really didn't want to admit it, but I loved the guy. I wanted everything that came with that.

So that was why when we were done, and we were snuggled up in my bed, I admitted to him that I had feelings for him, that it had morphed in my brain to not being "just sex".

"I'm sorry," Orion told me, sitting up, looking down at me.

I just wanted to hug his bare chest. I didn't know that would be the last time I would see it, because after that he wouldn't take off his shirt for anyone or anything.

I don't say anything, looking up at him.

"I can't."

"Why not?" I ask him softly.

"I don't want to hurt you."

"How could you hurt me?"

"Because Ben's right. I'm a mess."

Orion gathered up his clothes then and left.

It was the last time I had sex with him for a very, very long time. And I think a part of me knew that was going to happen, because even though I cried, I also vowed to find a boyfriend ASAP so I could bury my feelings and get over Orion once and for all.

~

Orion, Ben, and myself were sitting awkwardly in a recording studio. None of us were speaking. I sat there, fidgeting with a lighter. Ben sat, legs outstretched and crossed at the ankles, occasionally uncrossing his arms to scratch the side of his face. Orion sat with his elbows on his knees, looking down between his legs at the floor, hair obscuring most of his face.

Ben clears his throat, which makes me jump. I look at him. He looks at me, and then at Orion. He clears his throat again.

"So is anyone going to say anything?"

Orion looks up, but then just as quickly looks down. I bite the side of my mouth, looking between the two.

"Alright, well, I'll start," Ben says. "If I could stop time so I could go back and take back everything I said, I would."

Orion's head snaps up and he looks surprised. Ben looks directly at him.

"I didn't mean to be a dick. Yeah, there are some things that have to be resolved. But I didn't mean to hurt you, Ori, and I know I did."

"I'll do anything to make things better," Orion responds ardently, "anything. Both for our friendships and things with the band. If that means I gotta step down as the leader, that's fine--"

"No no, you don't have to do that," Ben says with a sigh. "Because truth be told you're a damn good leader, and I think part of this mess is the fact that I'm jealous of that, and I'm sorry."

Orion's mouth opens slightly.

Ben scratches his head, and then points to it. "In the back of my mind I just always kinda thought of this as Jake and my band, and that's not fair to you, at all."

Orion looks a little offended, and a bit angry, but he remains calm.

"And I knew all along we needed a singer. I mean, Jake did great, but...I don't know why I was so solidified on it always just being Jake and I."

"I meant what I said," Orion says gravely, "about wanting to include you more in my songwriting." He looks at me. "And you too, Jake. This is our band. I want your input." His voice softens into desperation. "Please."

"Okay," Ben says, "and I appreciate that."

Orion looks at me then. "And I'll lighten up on you guys, okay? I promise."

I swallow thickly, but it has nothing to do with the band. "Yeah. And if we point out you're doing it, I need you to promise me you won't take it personally, yeah?"

Orion bites his lip a second but then nods.

"Alright," Ben says, looking around the room, "are there any more unresolved pieces to be addressed?"

We all look at one another.

"I'm good," Orion says.

I nod at Ben. Ben gets to his feet, holding out his arms. "Alright, in that case, come on guys. Bring it in."

When neither of us moves, he waves at us. "I'm not joking. Group hug. Now."

Orion grins at me and we get to our feet. We go to Ben, and we hug it out. After a little while, Ben sighs.

"This is awkward."

We all let go, laughing. Orion speaks.

"Yeah, that was weird."

"Lets not do that again," I say.

"Well," Ben says with a grin, "we're over a month behind on this album we were supposed to make. Let's make an album!"

~

That album ended up winning Rock Album of the Year at the Grammys. Maybe it was a release of the pent up angst the band had as a whole. Maybe it was because we felt revitalized after a long break. Maybe it was a mix of both.

Whatever it was, we were now officially Serious Business. After they announced us, and we went to the stage, I felt...a shift. And maybe it's because I can look at that night in hindsight...but I remember thinking even then, ascending the risers of the stage, something was about to change.

"Thank you again," Orion said as we took the podium, after they handed him the award. He grins. "Don't worry everyone, I'm not gonna cry this time. And I managed to keep my mouth clean on the carpet."

There's a good amount of laughs at that. I watch his profile as he speaks, my hands folded in front of me. I can't shake the feeling of some tide shifting, watching him. It's making me anxious.

This isn't like last time. This feels heavy. This feels like a lead door closing and being welded shut. Even on stage I shudder--you can see it on video clips of the speech if you know when to look.

"I want to thank everyone who made this possible, and our wonderful manager..." Orion looks at Jake and I and grins. "But most importantly I want to thank the two gentleman standing here at my side because if it weren't for them, there wouldn't be a band called Saturn Mutants, and I'm forever in their debt."

Orin hands off the award and steps to the side, clapping and bowing to us. Ben and I both give our thanks and shout outs. I couldn't tell you what I said, I don't remember. And I don't remember because I had that really bad, unsettling feeling. And I didn't enjoy the after parties, and I didn't enjoy the sex I had there with a really hot guy, and the alcohol just made me feel weird and sick.

And when I crawled into bed at three AM, I couldn't help but almost cry, because it felt like something had died in my soul, but I hadn't the faintest idea what.