Breathe, just breathe

Breathe in this epiphany

Paint your white picket fences

Just surrender to the ocean

Let it wash over you

What do we do with the impossible?

I fly without wings

Catch my fall

Make your demands

Pull me apart, rip me limb from limb

I'm riding this whim to leave you in sin

--From the song Psychopathic

Lyrics By: Orion Bauwens

After word of Orion's little autograph stunt got out, we gained even more popularity. We became known as the nicest upcoming band, which made everyone want to see us in the hopes of talking to us. The first few concerts we gave we gleefully obliged. 

But as our name really started to make a mark, it became hard to stick around and chat. Within a month we had security guards, which was...Eerie.

We technically had security out of the gate, but Orion refused to employ them. He wanted to be as accessible to the fans as possible. He wanted to be a "human" band. But we discovered that was, unfortunately, impossible, given the level of fame we were quickly achieving.

A good example was one day when we decided to go to a local coffee slash ice cream shop. At the time the three of us thought absolutely nothing of it. Oh, our naivety was epic.

We had ordered; me with my coffee, Ben with some ice cream, Orion with a small cone. It was nice, it was normal. It was just us being us, talking and laughing and being dorks.

The shop had the radio on and one of our song started playing. Once again, our exuberant naivety was on full display. We started singing along. A few people in the shop realized who we were. No big deal, right?

We ate it up. It ended up where we, unintentionally, created a music video that went viral. Orion was up on the table, performing, Ben and I singing along, Ben banging away on a chair for the drums. Everyone--I mean everyone--in the shop was singing along.

It was a lot of fun. It was a lot of fun until we tried to leave and couldn't. Like...we physically couldn't.

I could tell Orion was starting to panic besides me. Not wanting to make things weird, I discreetly grabbed his hand and gave it a quick squeeze, trying to calm him down. He looked at me, his expression exactly as I expected it to be.

"We have to get Orion out of here," I whispered to Ben, "he's gonna freak. In a bad way."

Ben looked at him and swore under his breath.

"How do we get out of here?" I asked the manager who had come out to sing.

She saw my panic and led us to the back after a failed attempt at getting people to clear a path for us. The back, however, wasn't much better. By the time everything was said and done, all of our respective hair was messed up from people touching it and Orion couldn't breath.

Having that many people surround you with nowhere to go, clambering over you, touching you all at once...Not caring that the lead singer of the band you supposedly love couldn't breathe because he was having a panic attack...it was horrible.

It was our first real mobbing, and it was absolutely, sheerly petrifying. We were being jostled, hands flying everywhere, and no one cared. It's like they forgot we were people.

After that experience we tried to duck out of places before anyone posted to Twitter (or what had you) our location. It sucked. We didn't want to hide away from our fans, but at that point we felt we had to for our safety.

As such, Orion tried to interact with the crowd as much as possible during performances. He'd actually take the time to talk with the crowd, both before and during our set. Through trial and error he found out which songs people knew the lyrics to so far, and would drop out singing during some parts, holding the microphone out to the crow with his other hand cupped to his ear to get them to sing. They loved it, and he loved it.

Ben and I were impressed with what an enthusiastic performer Orion was. You could tell he positively adored what he was doing. It was wonderful to see him so genuinely happy on stage.

He was also extremely athletic. His ability to run around while singing was quite impressive. The bigger we became the bigger the stages became. Orion had zero problem running from one side of the stage to the other. Or skipping. Or doing the worm and then jumping up to sing. Or doing jumping jacks to the beat of the song to get the crowd to clap. He was as goofy onstage as he was in High School.

During one performance, someone threw a hula hoop up on stage. Orion grabbed it immediately and hula hooped throughout the rest of the song. When he was done, he tossed it back into the crowd like nothing happened. That performance ended up being on our first live DVD/BluRay release. I like watching it to this day because of that one impromptu moment. He looks ridiculous, pink hoola hoop going around his waist as he sings.

He also was apparently shameless. Laying down and humping the stage wasn't off limits. Or hip thrusting. Or turning his back to the crowd and pretending someone was making out with him, moving his hands up and down his back, grabbing his own ass. It was a bit absurd, but also really funny.

All in all, things were great. It was everything we'd hoped for and imagined.

"Guys," Gloria tells us one day. "I just got off the phone with the venue."

We had a gig in a few days. We were currently discussing what the name of our next album should be. The three of us stop, looking over at Gloria.

She's grinning. She's shaking her fists back and forth, slightly blurred. It's like she's going to explode from excitement as she literally skips over to us.

"Guess who just had a final ticket sale, solidifying a sold out concert?"

I jump to my feet. Orion looks at Gloria in disbelief. Ben's mouth is hanging open.

"No way," Ben says.

"Yes!" Gloria squeals. "I've never known a new band to have a sold out concert so early in their career!"

I run over to Gloria and grab her, lifting her off her feet in a hug and twirling her. As I set her down Ben runs over and the three of us start jumping up and down, shouting. But then I look over at Orion.

He's sitting at the table, his head down, arms wrapped around his head. I break away and rush over to him. I'm not surprised when he's crying.

"Oh, Orion!"

Ben and Gloria rush over then too. We all pile on him, hugging him.

"I'm sorry," he chokes out. "I'm happy--I p-promise."

Gloria kisses the top of his head. "Mi dulce nino. You're so precious."

"I have no idea what the fuck you just said," Orion laugh cries, "but thanks, I think."

"I said oh, my sweet child."

"Okay, everyone off," he says then. So we oblige. He sits up, wiping his eyes. "Sorry I'm a mess."

Gloria puts her hand on his shoulder. "It's a lot to take in. This is a major milestone."

"I just--"

"What?" Gloria asks.

But I see him retreat into himself. He was going to say something self-deprecating. It makes me frown. I wish he could actually be happy.

He forces a smile, shaking his head. "I just am really happy. That's all."

~

The sold out concert is like nothing I've ever experienced. We're due to go on in a minute. Ben is peeking out, holding up the side stage curtain with one of his sticks. My bass is around my neck already. Orion has stopped his jumping around to look out with us.

"Holy shit," I say.

"Look at all the people," Ben adds.

Orion puts his hands on our shoulders and grins. "We're gonna slay this, guys."

And we did. That ended up being one of our best performances in our entire career. As terrifying as it was playing in front of thousands upon thousands of people, it was all magical. 

Knowing that every single one of those people wanted to be there...Knowing they had carved time out of their schedule to be with us and hear us sing. To hear thousands of voices lifted up as one, singing along to our songs. Of course it was our best performance to date; they deserved that.

This was the first concert we did backstage passes for, too. After the performance we were going to meet a handful of fans on stage side. Admittedly I was pretty excited to do this. That is, until we met up with the last fan—the last fan who kept ducking behind everyone so he could go last. 

I'm happy security is here. Not for our safety--for the fan's sake. It takes everything in me to keep my composure and not deck the guy in the face.

"Daryl?" Ben gapes.

"Security," Orion growls immediately, looking venomous.

Daryl holds up his hands. "Wait! Please, hear me out. I'm here to apologize."

Two security men in yellow shirts had flanked us immediately. Orion held up his hand to stop their advance. After glaring Daryl down for a while, Orion crosses his arms.

"The fuck are you doing here, Daryl?"

My hands are balled into fists and I'm still ready to lay the guy out if he so much as blinks wrong.

"I told you, I'm here to apologize."

Orion laughs bitterly. "You tried to fucking stab me. It's been years, and now you want to fucking apologize? Gee, what changed, the fact that I make more money now than you'll ever see in your entire life?"

Daryl sighs heavily and drops his head. "You have every right to be mad, Orion."

"Fuck yeah I do, you don't have to tell me that!" When Daryl doesn't speak, Orion continues. "You have two fucking minutes, man."

Daryl lifts his head. He glances at Ben and Jake nervously. Then he looks at our security. "Do they know why I attacked you in high school?"

Orion turns to the security detail quickly. "If you repeat any of this I'm firing you and suing you." He turns back to Daryl. "Jake does, Ben doesn't, but I honestly don't care. You mean about me kissing you, right?"

Ben looks surprised but obviously remains silent. I notice that the guards start looking everywhere that isn't us.

"Yeah," Daryl said. "Look, I reacted how I did because I'm gay."

Orion blinks a moment. Then he laughs. "You're joking, right?"

I can honestly say I'm surprised when Daryl blushes. "No, I'm not. I'm with my partner here tonight--this was his idea. Look--what I did to you haunts me, it really really haunts me."

"What, because you got expelled for a second time?"

Daryl sighs and shakes his head, looking down a minute. "You're really not making this easy, Orion..."

Orion puckers his lips but says nothing.

"I'm a changed man. Who I was back then, that wasn't me, and I had no right to beat you up. I had no right to make fun of you just because I was trying to cover the fact that I really liked you, too."

Orion's expression is softening, and he uncrosses his arms.

"I was a coward. I was a coward of who I was, and I was afraid people were going to think of me. I was petrified my life was going to be filled with getting expelled from schools if I ever embraced who I really was."

I glance at Orion. His eyes have gone a bit glassy. He nods curtly. "Yeah, I get that."

"I just--I'm really sorry I was so ashamed of who I was that I took out my anger at myself on you. You were my emotional effigy, and I'm so, so sorry Orion." He looks near tears, and his voice becomes unsteady. "You have to believe me. Please."

After a moment's pause, Orion nods curtly. "I believe you."

Daryl breaks into a smile and breaks down. "T-thank you."

Begrudgingly, Orion holds out his hand. Daryl shakes it, wiping away his tears with his other hand.

"U-um..." Daryl looks at his feet then. "Do you think maybe we could be friends?"

"No." Orion answers immediately.

Daryl nods, though he looks like he might cry again. "That's fair. I just--I want you to know I really enjoyed our friendship in grade school. I think about it a lot, even to this day"

"Yeah, so do I," Orion responds with a bit of an edge to it.

"I'm sorry." Daryl pauses. "Could I ask you something?"

"Sure," Orion replies with a nonchalant shrug.

"Are you okay?"

Orion looks very confused. "Huh? Why?"

"Your lyrics..."

"Oh." Orion laughs, but I can tell immediately it's a cover. I don't know if Ben or Daryl caught it, but I saw the tidal wave of pain in Orion's eyes for a second, like someone had just ripped off a band aid. "Yeah--no thanks to you."

That makes Daryl laugh. He holds out his hand now, and Orion shakes it a final time.

"Thanks for coming out," Orion tells him. "To the show, that is."

Daryl laughs.

"Tell your partner thanks, too."

"I will."

After that Daryl is escorted off the stage. As we walk away, I can't help but shake my head. "That was fucking weird."

"I know, right?" Orion says softly. "Pfft, whatever."

I can tell the exchange affected him more profoundly than he wanted to admit because he spends the rest of the night drinking, alone in his thoughts.