**TRIGGER WARNING** Depiction of suicide and self harm. Reader discretion is advised.

The void is calling

Balanced on the edge

Look out at the sea

Becoming a drifty

Do you see the reflection?

Does it hurt so much

Makes you want to vomit

Sometimes I just...

The void is calling

Balanced on the edge

Look out at the sea

Becoming a drifty

Want to punch the mirror

And use the shards

Against the soul

To cut you with

The void is calling

Balanced on the edge

Look out at the sea

Becoming the drifty

...it's not so bad

--The song Nothing is Something, lyrics by Orion Bauwens

Junior Year

It's a week into school. It's just like the start of every other year. Trying to get used to the work load. Trying to remember where my classrooms are. Trying to remember the names of my damn teachers. So far, everything is going as expected.

I'm awoken to the sound of sirens. Lots of them. And they're loud. When I open my eyes, my bedroom walls are splattered with the flashing blue, red, white, and orange lights of emergency vehicles. I look at the clock, utterly confused. It's a little past midnight. I have school tomorrow.

I go up on my knees and look out my window. There's police cars, ambulances, and even a firetruck. They're next door, in front of Stacy's house. Alarmed, I get out of bed and go out into the hallway.

My parents are coming out of their own room across the hallway. My mom is putting on her robe.

"What's going on?" I ask them, as though they should have some sort of answer.

"I don't know," my father says as we all head towards the stairs. "Hopefully it's just a gas leak or something, Stay here."

I frown. I wait until I hear the front door open, then I creep downstairs. By the time I'm kneeling up on the couch and peeking out of the curtains, my parents are running across the lawn towards Stacy's house. They're running because someone is being wheeled out of Stacy's house on a stretcher in a black body bag.

Someone is shrieking. I watch as my mother hugs whoever it is, and they both collapse on the porch. I'm on my feet and out the door, running barefoot across the lawn as fast as I can. My dad stops me before I reach Stacy's porch.

I fight him, struggling, trying to get closer. I see my mom holding Stacy's mom, and I see Stacy's dad, and I see Stacy's little brother, and they're all crying, and my mom is crying, and I get a sick knot in my stomach, and I think I know what's going on but I don't want to believe it.

"I'm sorry, son," my dad says, and he's crying, too, and I can't remember the last time he cried about anything, "but Stacy's gone."

You know how they say your life flashes before you when you have a brush with death? I think that's true. Because with those words, every single memory I have of Stacy comes rushing to my mind.

My first memory, just a brief snippet, her sitting in a diaper, her hair up in pigtails, handing a block to me. When we dared each other to go on our first roller coaster, and we ended up doing it together. Carving pumpkins together. Snowball fights. Fireworks. Swimming in a lake. Playing at the park.

Helping each other with homework. Getting into theological discussions. Coloring as little kids. Sharing PB&J sandwiches. Telling each other secrets over a campfire as we made s'mores. Kissing each other, and then deciding it was really weird and laughing about it.

Promising each other that if anything ever happened we'd run away together, no questions asked. Plans of growing old together, the excitement over the prospect of watching both our lives unfurrow before us. Talking about that no matter what the other needed, we would provide it for each other. Pinky promises made in the dark of night under the tree in my backyard, moonlight illuminating her beautiful face, that we'd always be there for each other no matter what.

But I wasn't there for her when she died. And it's with the realization, that I had failed my childhood friend, that I fainted in my dad's arms.

~

"Hey."

"Hey."

"Do you want a ride?"

"My parents were going to take me."

"Did you want your parents to take you or us?"

A pause. "You."

"I'll be there in about ten minutes."

"Thanks, Jake."

"You're welcome, Orion."

We hang up and I look in the mirror. I'm not used to wearing all black. I don't like it. In fact, I think I hate it. In fact, I think after today and tomorrow I'm never fucking wearing all black again.

Stacy would hate how I look right now. She'd make fun of me. I can almost hear her laughing--"What, you think you're MIB or something?" And then she'd laugh some more.

Frowning at myself in the mirror I shut off my bedroom light and head downstairs.

My parents and Charlotte are waiting for me. I briefly glance at my sister. She's been crying basically non-stop since that night, and right now is no exception. I slip my phone into my pocket, walking past them with my head down. I'm not even going to try to pretend I'm alright because I'm not. None of us are.

"Yeah, we'll take him. Lets go."

A handful of minutes later we pull up to Orion's trailer. I'm shocked by what I see. Like, completely and utterly shocked.

Orion is sitting on his stairs, his head down, smoking. He's wearing a suit of yellow. Like, the entire damn thing is yellow. He's complimented it with a black button down shirt, black silk tie, and black dress shoes.

Yellow had been Stacy's favorite color, and I immediately burst into tears quietly. I cover my mouth and look out my window. No one needs to know I'm having a moment.

My dad taps the horn. I wipe my eyes and look back as Orion lifts his head. He stands, putting the cigarette out in the ashtray sitting next to him. He then comes to the car and opens the back door, sliding in next to me.

"Hey."

"Hey."

Charlotte, who is sitting to my right, unbuckles and squeezes behind me, pulling Orion into a tight hug. For a moment they just hug each other, Charlotte crying into Orion's shoulder, Orion rubbing her back. When they're done he briefly squeezes her hands, and I'm surprised he's not crying.

"Thanks, Charlotte."

My sister nods, buckling herself and wiping off her face.

My mom twists around. "I am so, so sorry, Orion."

He shrugs and looks out the window. "Yeah, me too."

As we drive off towards the funeral home, I look at Orion.

"I like your suit."

He makes a noise and that's it.

"Are you wearing eyeliner?"

He looks at me. Yup, he's definitely wearing black eyeliner. "Yeah."

"I like it. With the suit, you look like a rockstar."

He smirks a little bit and then looks back out the window. "Thanks."

The rest of the ride is in silence.

Walking into my best friend's wake is one of the hardest things I've ever done in my entire life. Before we enter, Orion takes me by the hand and gives it a squeeze. I don't know if that was for him or for me.

We stay the entire time. There are yellow roses everywhere. The photo board they have set up is even boarded with them.

I look at the pictures, and I can't help but cry when I see the ones that have me in them. There are a lot. There's some more recent ones that have Ben, Orion, Stacy and myself, in my garage. Those suck the life out of me.

It's hard going from pictures of her smiling to looking at her in her casket. They've done a good job with her makeup around her neck. She hanged herself. I'm not supposed to know that, though.

Her parents found her after the cord had snapped under her weight, when they woke up to a thud. I know that because I haven't slept properly in days, and I overheard Stacy's mom tell my parents that late one night. A part of me wishes I had never heard that.

Throughout the entire service, Orion doesn't move once, standing by the casket. Sometimes he looks at her, sometimes he simply stands there. People come up and talk to him, and there's lots of hugs. At one point I bring him a plate of food, which he refuses.

Somehow Charlotte is the only one that seems to get through to him. She constantly checks in with him, and they talk consistently. She also manages to be the only one who gets Orion to laugh.

I hate to say it, but it's really sweet. I'm thankful for her being there for Orion. I'm happy that even through this horrible day Charlotte managed to get him to smile. I know they're going to make great friends from here on out.

When things wind down finally at nine PM, the family stays behind. My family stays behind too, as does Ben's. Orion obviously sticks around since we're his ride. We all give our final goodbyes.

"Could I--could I have a minute, please?" Orion asks everyone. He looks at Stacy's parents. "I'm sorry, I just--I need to tell her some things--"

Stacy's mom hugs Orion tightly. "Of course, dear. We'll see you tomorrow at the funeral."

Orion nods. Her mom goes to the casket and gives her daughter a final kiss, as does Stacy's dad. Stacy's brother is a wreck, and he has to be gently led away from her by the shoulders.

As everyone makes our exit, Stacy's mom touches my shoulder. I look at her. She whispers directly into my ear.

"I'd hold back. Make sure he's okay. If you wouldn't mind?"

I nod. When we all walk out the wooden double-doors, I quietly sneak back in, lingering at the back of the room that I've been lost in all day. I slip my hands into my pockets and wait.

Orion hadn't cried the entire time. Now he does. He sinks to his knees, unable to stand, one arm hanging in the casket.

"I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry Stacy. I loved you, I really, really fucking loved you. I'm so sorry I did this to you. I'm so fucking sorry, this is all my fault. You didn't have to do this. I am so fucking sorry, Stacy. I am so sorry. Say hi to our baby for me, yeah? Because I'm sure you're both in Heaven. I am so fucking sorry any of this happened."

I slip back out, feeling guilty I witnessed that raw, private moment.

~

The following day at the funeral Orion is dressed all in black again. I'm standing next to him, my mom and dad next to me. We're all clustered around Stacy's parents and her little brother.

Ben isn't here. This was only for family. Our families are so close we basically are. Orion is here because they were dating.

Orion and Stacy hadn't told anyone they had broken up. They couldn't decide on a reason to give behind their breakup, and they weren't about to tell the truth. Ben and I were the only ones who knew (well, and by proxy Charlotte).

I couldn't tell you what was said at the funeral. All I know is that when it was done, whoever wanted to could toss a yellow rose down onto her casket. I've decided not to--I can't. I think I'd jump down there with her if I went anywhere near that hole.

To my alarm, I see Orion slip a pocket knife out of his pocket, quietly opening it. I watch out of the corner of my eye as he wraps his right hand around the blade until blood starts to drip out. I glance around--no one else is paying attention.

He shakes his hand a couple times, putting the knife away. When it's time to toss his flower in, he squeezes the petals with his bleeding hand. He kisses it then, finally releasing it into the hole. Then Orion brushes past me and walks back to the car.

Orion never speaks her name again. The next time he talks about Stacy directly is in a song, and that's not until years later. Even then he doesn't use her actual name.

As I watch him go back to the car I ache for him, because I know he's never going to forgive himself.