Chock full of bad habits

Fighting for something that's not there

Struggling and pleading, fighting for air

Fading away before it every arrived

Decaying rose petals at our feet

What am I doing with myself?

What is this deceit?

Lacking, floundering, becoming undone

Is this what it is that I have become?

--from the song Too Little Time, lyrics by Orion Bauwens

Sophomore Year

Orion is standing on his seat in back, hooping, hollering, and clapping loudly. He's also stomping his feet. I crack up and shake my head.

It's the fifth Friday of the school year. Ben and I just played our two songs in the cafeteria for everyone in the yearly Battle of the Bands. Orion is causing such a ruckus because that's how it works.

Each band plays two songs or three songs, depending on length since each band is allotted ten minutes. Whoever gets the loudest cheering wins. There's a first, second, and third place. Each lunch period is extended to a full hour (from it's usually 20 minutes) to accommodate as many bands as possible. It's actually a huge thing at our school, and every year most of the student body looks forward to it.

A security guard goes over and tells Orion to get down, which makes me laugh again. He hops down, still grinning and applauding. When it's over and they announce the winners, I'm happy to hear Rabid Orphans (yeah, that was our name) landed third place. This entire thing didn't really mean anything, but it was fun, and it's a good way to get recognition.

"You guys were gypped!" Orion exclaims afterward, an arm slung around Ben and my own shoulders as we walk down the hall. "I say as a peaceful protest, we cut school for the rest of the week!"

I roll my eyes. "You just don't want to go to school, Orion. It has nothing to do with our placement."

"Damn," he grins, "ya caught me."

"And we would've done better with a proper singer," I add with a glare.

"I'm not joining! Thanks but no thanks!"

"Maybe you would've done better had someone spent more time practicing after school instead of going to the local gym," Orion teases then, giving Ben a shove.

"Hey--there's no fucking way I'm giving up boxing. Not after last year."

To prove his point, he acts like he's boxing as we walk.

"Daryl's gone--not like it matters."

"You never know," Ben says, giving a few last jabs and then walking normally, "Besides, when we make it big, I want to be ready in case we get mobbed."

"Oh whatever," Orion chuckles, "you won a measly third place in a High School competition. Don't let it go to your head."

Ben punches Orion in the shoulder, causing him to stumble. Orion rubs his shoulder, throwing a glare. "Ow...hey."

Just then Stacy walks up to us, heading the opposite way. Orion grins, taking her into his arms, and they start making out. I roll my eyes, yanking on him. They both protest.

"Come on, at least go by the lockers so you're not in everyone's way."

Dramatically he reaches for her as I pull him away, and she does the same, laughing.

It's been like that for awhile now. They can't get enough of each other. Orion is coming over practically every day now...Which normally is fine with me. But Stacy has been hanging around a lot, and their faces are constantly glued together. It's annoying.

"I'm gonna taser you guys," I grumble as he laughs and walks normally, "I swear to God..."

"You're just jealous," Orion teases me, jabbing me in the ribs.

I blush and look away. "Repulsed is more the word you're looking for...Plus she's like my sister, dude."

Orion laughs. "I meant in general. And clearly you are since your face looks like a stop sign."

I look away again, muttering a shut up. As we all go our separate ways down three different hallways, I adjust my backpack. Orion's not wrong. I am jealous. But I'm jealous for a completely different set to reasons, reasons that would probably surprise him.

Truth is, over the summer I've developed a bit of a crush on him. Which...is awkward. I don't hate it--like I'm not down on myself. Everyone can go fuck themselves and any opinions they have if they ever find out I like guys.

It's more the fact that every time Orion and Stacy start making out, I have a hard time looking away. It's more of the fact that I picture me kissing him instead of her. It's more of the fact every time I see him and he has a new mark on his neck, I wish I was the one who had given it to him.

I know they're having sex. He was ecstatic and couldn't stop bragging. Which, once again, whatever. I thought they were way too young but I never told them that. I know they'd both tell me to mind my own business. And I know if I threw in Stacy's face the whole religion thing, she'd merely throw back in my face that I'm not even religious, so I should just shut up.

So instead I just occasionally silently lament that she's the one waking up to him, not me. Plus I honestly don't know anything about my own sexuality still. Admitting to Orion that I have a crush on him would be weird. All I know is I have a crush on him and no one else--not girls, not boys. So for the time being I just largely ignore anything romantic the rest of my peers seem to be going through.

I will say though that after placing third in Battle of the Bands, Ben and my own popularity surged again. We practically have to beat female classmates off with sticks. But whatever popularity we gained was leveled off by being friends with Orion.

The teachers knew better by now than to lump us academically with our friend. That wasn't to say we were complete angels--or at least I wasn't. I like talking too much, it's my downfall. But compared to Orion and his antics I was a saint.

For example, I didn't partake when Orion stole some lunch trays and held a contest to see who could skate down the school stairs the farthest without killing themselves. I didn't think it was a good idea to run into the girl's locker room with snowballs, pelting them as they changed (that landed him a suspension. He claims it was worth it). I never sprayed anyone's balls with men's body spray or spray deodorant.

I was smart enough to know that spray painting male anatomy on the school mascot on our message sign outside was not something that should be done (at least he was never caught for that one). I merely sighed when he mooned our gym teacher because he was being sent to the office for spitting on the ground as we ran--indoors, mind you. I tried to get him to stop bragging when he excitedly told me he was the one who took scissors to every tulip that was outside, cutting off all their heads (I tried to get him to stop talking because he didn't realize a teacher was right behind him listening to everything he said. That incident was a Saturday detention for him).

His insanity made him...Not exactly infamous for being Prince Charming throughout the school. Most people avoided him, and he had some really weird rumors swirling around him. My favorite was that he worshiped the Devil and had a spell on the principal. Because, you know, that was the only plausible explanation for why he hadn't been expelled by now.

Orion's reputation wasn't helped by the fact that he hung out with some sketchy characters. He was still pretty tight laced, but calling the town's kleptomaniac your friend isn't really something most people want to do. I kept my distance from his friends like that.

The only exception to this rule was a kid named Simon. He smoked a lot of weed, which...Not mine or Ben's scene, but whatever. We knew he dealt, too, but Simon knew we weren't comfortable with all that, so he never brought any of his entrepreneur ventures around us. He was a pretty cool guy, fun to be around. The four of us hung out when we could.

By the time Winter Break rolled around, I was pretty relieved. Sophomore year was turning out to be quite the bitch. It was much harder than Freshman year on account of I had landed myself in some accelerated classes. Because of this, I saw Orion only during lunch this year.

Even so, that was more than enough for me. I loved the guy, but he was turning into such a mess. I spent most lunches trying to explain to him why getting someone to hack into the school computer system to print naked women to every printer was a bad idea. Nearly every day was a new scheme like that.

Orion thought it was all hilarious. Even when he'd get in serious trouble it never deterred him. He was starting to go down a path that worried me. He already was friends with an actual delinquent (not the kleptomaniac; that was technically just a rumor, one which I personally believed. He was friends with a known pyromaniac).

The entire situation made me even sadder because his heart was in the right place.

"How is Jeff ever going to get better if people continue to write him off as the kid that stole an outfit and got sent to juvie for it?" Orion would say anytime anyone gave him grief over his friend. "If that happens then the system failed him, and him going to juvie was for nothing. He deserves a second chance."

Regardless of Orion's valiant thinking, whenever Jeff was around I tended to head the other way. If Orion wasn't hanging around with us, then he was hanging with that crowd, filled with thieves, pyromaniacs, frequent liars and druggies. And if he wasn't hanging out with them, well, he was hiding away in his room, brooding about how much people suck and how much the world sucks.

It all was a bit much, but he was worth it.

So you can imagine my dismay when on the first night of Winter Break my cell phone rings, and it's Orion.

"I just wanted peace," I moan to myself before answering. "Hey, what's up?"

"H-hey. Could you come here?"

Any annoyance I had felt immediately evaporates. "Why are you hyperventilating? What's wrong?"

There's a pause, and when he returns it sounds like he's whispering directly into the phone. "I really need you to meet me at the park by me. I can't talk over the phone."

I moan. It's late. There's snow everywhere. "Orion...I don't know if my mom will drop me off--"

"Please? Tell her it's really important. Please?"

I sigh. "I'll see what I can do, okay?"

"T-thanks. The park is down the street from me. G-go to where I live, and keep going. The trailer park ends at a park."

"Hey--breath, okay? Deep breathes."

"S-sure."

We hang up. I moan a final time and grab my jacket. Grumbling, I race down the stairs.

My dad's home. My parents are snuggled up on the couch, watching TV. When they hear me approach, they look at me over the back of the couch.

"Hey sweetie," my mom says with a smile. "I thought you were in bed."

"Could you drive me to Orion's place?"

She frowns while my dad looks concerned. He's been brought up to speed with everything, along with my theory that things at Orion's home aren't kosher. Even so, any time I get in trouble at school now the first words out of my dad's mouth are, "Was Orion involved?". It makes me a little resentful, not going to lie.

"Did something happen?"

"Yeah. I don't know what though, he said he couldn't tell me over the phone."

My dad looks at his watch and frowns. "It's nearly eleven..."

"Please?"

My dad sighs and looks at my mom. She sighs heavily and gets to her feet. "Let me get my coat."

Sure enough when we arrive at the end of the trailer homes sits a park. It's not much of a park, really. It consists of one piece of equipment that has a slide and three swings. That's it. Behind it is a chain link fence. There's not even a garbage can, or a bench to sit on. It's also tiny.

As we pull up, Orion is illuminated by the headlights. He stops where he stands, squinting, holding up his arm against the glare. My mom stops the car and looks at me.

"I'll be at the entrance of the trailer park. I don't feel comfortable with you being here so late at night."

I can't help but grin. "Neither do I."

I open up the car door and step out. "Yo."

Orion puts his arm down. "Hey."

It's cold out. As I tromp across the snow, I shove my hands in my pockets. We watch, side by side, as my mom backs out because the lane is so narrow. It was either that or do a million-point turn.

"Thanks for coming," Orion tells me, teeth chattering.

"How long have you been out here for?" I ask, concerned at his red nose and ears.

"Since I hung up with you."

"Ori!" I immediately take off my coat and drape it over him, putting the hood up.

"J-Jake!"

"Stop! We're not gonna be here long, right?"

"Right," he chatters, bringing his shaking hand to his mouth to take a drag from his cigarette.

"I'll survive a couple minutes."

Orion grips the coat around himself with his free hand and looks at me. "T-thanks."

"So?"

"Stacy missed her period. She just called me."

Oh, fuck.