Say farewell to dishonesty

Mistakes are my compass

Pointing due north to you

We'll all be free one day

Looking for something comfortable

To coil around my mind

A tendril of comfort

To help me clarify

Help me signify

What's right and what's wrong

My curious side

Has gone too far into this mistake

The precipice of petulance

We'll foolishly wish this never ends 

--The song Weary, lyrics by Orion Bauwens

"Are you drunk?"

Orion gives his nervous laugh. "What? Psh. No."

I cross my arms and frown.

"No!" Orion says earnestly.

I can feel my frown grow.

"No."

I roll my eyes. "Okay."

The three of us climb out of the limo. Cameras flash everywhere. We're up for a Billboard music award this year. Actually, we're up for several awards. Orion is up for Top Male Artist. The band is up for Top Artist, Top Duo/Group, Top Hot 100 Artist, and Top Billboard 200 Album.

The red carpet is the same as always. Lots of fake people, too many flashing lights, and lots of people screaming. Orion seems to be taking it in stride though. I can only assume it's because he's pretty obviously drunk, which must be numbing everything for him and making it bearable.

The scary thing is that he's not acting drunk. If you know Orion, you can tell. You can tell because he's not so fidgety. To everyone else I'm sure they just think he's in a great mood. All smiles, boisterous, silly. 

It reminds me of High School Orion. The Orion that would jump up on the lunch table and start dancing. The Orion that slid his lunch tray down the lunch table and then flipped off the kids who got angry at him, like they had the audacity to get angry at him.

It made me really fucking sad it took alcohol to get that Orion to come out.

We cleaned up at the awards. We won everything we were up for. When Orion won Top Male Artist, it was almost funny. He was so shocked he was speechless. He literally even said that. And people laughed and thought it was cute, but it broke my heart because I knew part of it was the fact that he showed up drunk, and was three champagne flutes in now on top of it. To my dismay we went to the after parties, too.

It was a repeat at the MTV Music Awards. Trust me, the irony that a group who doesn't make music videos got nominated at the MTV awards didn't elude any of us. Regardless, we were up for Artist of the Year and Song of the Year. We won both.

Around this time we started really hitting the radio circuit. Lots and lots of radio interviews. I didn't think life could become any more uncanny at this point, but then we did a photo shoot that was going to be used as advertisement for a major contemporary rock radio show. So after winning multiple awards at major music award ceremonies, we now also had the treat of seeing ourselves looming large on billboards.

Sounds awesome, right? In actuality it's really fucking disturbing. And it was around this time I started to understand that unsettling shift I had felt at the Grammys. 

My life was becoming...unbelievable. I never understood famous people who couldn't handle fame. I always thought they were pathetic, crying over first world problems, that they needed to shut their pie holes because most people only wished they had the money that came along with fame.

Now though? After doing multiple red carpets...Winning multiple awards...Showing up places where everyone knows who you are, what you look like, your likes, your dislikes...

Yeah, I fucking got it now. Everyone around you thinks they know you, but after a point you don't even fucking know who you are any more.

We're doing an interview on Halloween at a late night radio station. Afterwards we're supposed to go to a party, so we're dressed up already.

"Thank you for joining us," the woman says.

"No problem," I say.

"Happy Halloween," Orion says.

"Hey," Ben says.

"So, tell us what you're dressed up as," the woman says.

"I'm Kylo Ren from the Star Wars franchise," Orion starts. "I mean, it's not really a stretch for me, my hair's black already and I dress in black on the daily, anyway, so."

The woman giggles.

"I'm a baseball player," Ben says. "Well, a dead baseball player. I'm a zombie."

"Nice, nice," the woman says.

"I'm me," I say, because I am. "I don't do Halloween."

"Yeah, because you're lame," Orion says deeply into the microphone, and we laugh.

"So Orion," the woman says, "I understand Halloween is your favorite holiday?"

"Fuck yeah."

"Why?"

"Well growing up I loved trick-or-treating. And as a teen I may or may not have been one of those kids that liked to egg houses and TP houses."

Everyone laughs.

"And now it's just fun? It's a good excuse to get drunk?"

More laughter.

"Speaking of, there are rumors that you were drunk at the Billboard Music awards this year. Is that true?"

"What?" he says, his voice high for a second. "Pfft. No. That's just tabloids having nothing better to do with their time than make up shit."

"So do you have plans after this interview?" the woman asks.

"Yeah, that's why we're dressed up," Ben says.

"Do you guys like dressing up?"

Orion raises his hand. "I do. It's fun."

"That's part of what makes you such an amazing showman. You have a very dramatic stage presence," the woman says.

Orion grins. "Why thank you."

"So, I have to ask. A while ago there was a rumor going around that you had cross dressed one time?"

Orion busts out laughing. "Okay, okay, okay. I'm feeling a little generous here. There might have been an instance where I played a game that involved dressing in woman's clothing if you lost, and I might have lost."

We all laugh.

"What did you look like?" the woman asks.

"Uh," Orion says, and I see him turn a little red. "There was this, like, black corset thing, and heels, and--" he covers his face and laughs. "--ohmygodwhyamIevensayingthis?"

"Oooo, a corset? Kinky. Is that what you wear in the bedroom?"

Awkward silence as she laughs.

"Uh, n-no?"

"Do you do anything kinky in the bedroom?"

Orion shuts his eyes a moment and then shakes his head. "Um. I don't--I don't see how we went from talking about Halloween to this?"

"Sorry, it's just a question," she giggles, and I'm starting to wonder if she's high.

"Well I'm not answering that because I'm not here to talk about anything sexual? Like...dude, that's off limits."

She giggles. "Okay, sorry. I just know some people are open about stuff--I'm sorry, you're right, I shouldn't have said that."

Orion laughs, but it's forced and I can tell he's just trying to lighten the mood. "Have you read any of my other interviews? I'm kinda closed off..."

"Okay, sorry."

"I mean, what about you? What do you do in the bedroom that you think is kinky? What sort of underwear do you wear?"

The woman blinks and laughs, now nervously. "Excuse me?"

"Orion," I hiss, covering my mic with my hand.

"Exactly," Orion says, narrowing his eyes at the women. But then he drops it, smiling disarmingly. "What's your favorite type of Halloween candy? I like those peanut toffees that come in the black and orange wrappers."

"Ew!" Ben, myself, and the interviewer say together, laughing.

"Ew," she says again, "you actually like those? I didn't think anyone actually ate those!"

"Those always go in the reject pile," Ben says.

"Wait," I say, "did you say peanut?"

"Yeah," Orion says.

"Is that what they're supposed to be?" Ben asks, chuckling. "They taste like lint."

"They're literally my favorite," Orion stresses, laughing, "I'm not even kidding. So, to anyone listening, if you get those in your Halloween bags and you don't want them, send them to me, I'll eat them."

You want to know the funny thing? Fans started sending him those.

And you want to know the not funny thing? After the interview Orion lost his ever loving shit at the production manager for the question that was out of line. It was bad. Ben and I sat in the recording booth with the woman, awkwardly watching Orion scream at the manager through the glass, red faced. It was an explosion that ended up making the press rounds.

That's not even the worst of it though. The worst of it was going to the Halloween party afterwards. Ben and I had to watch Orion drink like he was hellbent on killing himself with booze.

It was that Halloween night I decided I wanted to get off this ride. We were all so entrenched now I wasn't sure any of us could though.