❝ Sometimes—she knows this from her own life—to get to the other side, you must travel through grief. No detours are possible. ❞ — Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni, Oleander Girl

"Polly! Polly, help!"

I jolted awake. I was lying in bed, covered in blankets slick with sweat. In the distance, Stella was screaming.

"Stella. . ."

The room was dark and cold. Her voice was urgent—she needed me.

I got to my feet and stormed out of the room, unlocked the front door of the shed and stepped out in the frosty morning. The wind enveloped me like an icy scarf. I realized I was barefoot, but there was no time to go back.

"Polly, help! Please!"

The sound came from the water. Muffled. Drowning.

"Stella!"

I dashed toward the sea. The cry of a seagull overhead wasn't as loud as the pounding of my bare feet on the cold sand or the hammering of my heart in my chest. Then I saw her, head bobbing in and out of the water, her brown locks swirling in the water.

No no no not again not again not—

I dove in. The freezing water prickled every inch of my skin. I resurfaced and started to swim. Polly, help! Her voice in my head now. "I'm coming," I panted. My arms were quivering. Stella kept screaming.

I looked around in panic but couldn't see her. Only the sea. Only the vast, grey sea and the wind that crashed without much ferocity against its waves.

"She's gone, chica."

My heart sunk at the familiar voice. I turned. Zoë was there, her skin pale as a ghost, but flawless still, her brown eyes more sunken, her bangs so long they framed the sides of her face like shorter strands of layered hair. She looked real, but then not. Alive in a dead way. And yet there she was.

"You shouldn't have promised," she said. "That you'd protect her. That's the thing with promises—you're bound to break them. You broke the one you made to me."

I closed my eyes. "No, no, you're not real. You died."

But when I opened my eyes again, she was still there, floating in the water inches away from me. That distinct lopsided smile hung on her lips, full of amusement and something else, too-something darker.

"But did I?" she said. "In your mind, will I ever die? Will Stella?"

I shook my head. Zoë started laughing, and in the distance, Stella screamed. The seagull's croak grew louder in the sky above my head.

"No, no, no."

A cramp seized my left leg and I yelped. My lips were trembling. I tried to swim but the water was too cold, my arms too numb, my leg aching too much. Polly, help! Help me! My tears flowed down my cheeks and disappeared into the water, and then my head went under again.

▼

I opened my eyes, then narrowed them at the blinding sun. Sun. The sky was cloudy, but bright. I was not dead. For the second time, I had managed not to drown.

When I sat up, Matt was sitting cross-legged opposite me.

It was a pointless question, but I asked anyway. "What happened?"

"I saved your life," he said and gave a dramatic sigh. "Again. Though, I'll give that dolphin the credit it deserves the first time, but today was only me. You're welcome."

I rubbed my face and ran a hand through my wet curls.

"She was there," I said. "I saw her, I heard her, and then there was Zoë—" The corners of my eyes burned. I took a deep breath. "I'm going crazy."

"You're grieving," said Matt. "It's normal."

"It's all my fault."

"Polly, there was a tidal wave. You passed out and almost drowned. You can't blame yourself for what happened."

"Yes, I can."

Matt put a hand on my forearm and squeezed softly. The gesture made more tears pool my eyes. I didn't stop them from spilling. We sat there for a long while, the flow of the tide serving as the only companion to our silence. Even the seagull had flown away. When I started shivering again, we stood up to leave.

"How's Theo doing?" I asked.

"Much better. His skin is starting to look normal again. But we need to find food."

"There was none in the containers?"

Matt shook his head. "Just some herbs."

That didn't make sense. Whoever had left the dose of Dragon Pox Potion there must've known we were coming. There was no way it had been a coincidence. Maureen must've told one of her people—Breeze's people—when she caught us running off. Why would they leave an antidote and water there for us, but not food? Better yet, why wouldn't someone be there, waiting to take us somewhere safe?

Then again, we were desperate just to escape and find a cure. Beggars can't be choosers.

"How big is this island?" I asked.

"I mean, I haven't ventured too far yet, but it looks like there's a whole forest ahead of us. I doubt it's abandoned."

"Someone either lives here or was here to drop off the stuff before we arrived," I thought out loud.

Matt gasped, a realization dawning on his face. "Do you think they sent the dolphin? The one that saved us?"

"That's ridiculous. I find it easier to believe the dolphin just happened to be there at the right time. And even that's not the thing you hear every day."

"Miracles happen."

"Just to some of us?" I snapped.

He opened his mouth to respond but closed it, then looked down. I sighed. Yell all you want but that's not gonna change anything, you know it.

When we entered the shed, Theo was awake. Matt was right, he looked a hundred times better than the half-conscious dead boy walking from two days ago. The color had restored to his face and his eyes were wide open. His skin looked pallid, but it had lost its yellowish tinge.

"Hey guys," he said. "Can someone fill me in on whatever happened these past . . . how long have we been here?"

Matt and I exchanged a look. I didn't know how much Theo had been conscious enough to process and how much had passed by him in a blur, but I didn't want to relive that night. Matt read my thoughts and nodded in understanding. He approached Theo's bed—or more like, the block of stone with a woolen cover that he lay on.

"You can take the bed," I said. "Other room." I glanced at the unlit fireplace. "I'll go search for something to eat and get some wood."

"Let me know if you need help carrying them," Matt said. Then hurried to add, "No offense but . . . you look kinda starved."

"None taken. I am starved. Would be shocked if I didn't collapse."

Matt gave a thin smile. "I mean, I'm not much better myself. Azkaban's taken a toll on all of us."

"In more ways than one," I murmured. "Alright, see you later."

I closed the door. It was cold, but not unbearably so. Maybe my body had adjusted already. After that chilly morning swim, the air felt mild in comparison. I walked further and further into the woodland, realizing with each step that Matt was right.

The forest didn't feel deserted. It hummed with life, from the chirping of birds on branches and squirrels scuttling along the trunks of trees, to the traces of magic in the leaves and plants-the type I'd only seen in Herbology textbooks. Some I'd never even laid eyes on.

This wasn't an ordinary island. It was a magical one. My hopes of finding food grew, but that did nothing to uplift my mood. Stella's drowning voice and Zoë's face were still alive in my head. There was nothing I could do to get them out. Not even Occlumency would help. I just had to live with them until someday they stopped haunting me, but that day seemed light years away.

In your mind, will I ever die? Will Stella?

"Not real," I muttered. "Not real."

I trod into the forest but not too far. Unlike the Forbidden Forest, this one didn't get darker the deeper I went. But whatever was in the midst of these woods, on the other side of the island, I'd rather not face it with a dizzy mind and an empty stomach.

As I was picking branches up off the ground, I regretted walking so far away from the shed. I wanted to call Matt for help, but didn't. Even though he offered it, I felt embarrassed. I'd never had much muscle in the first place, but when I played Quidditch, I had stamina. But that was also when I hadn't lived off two pitiful food rations a day. Now, my arms were thinner than the branches.

Azkaban had worn me out more than I'd thought. Even as I held the branches, looked around at the foliage and the sky above my head, it was hard to believe this wasn't all a dream. A beautiful, tantalizing dream that would vanish the moment I went to sleep.

After some aching in my lower back, cursing under my breath and wobbly knees, I managed to haul three branches in my arms. They were half my size in length. Not enough to last twenty-four hours-I'd have to come back for more, before we turned in for the night-but it would do for the day.

I started to head back to the shed when I heard a noise. A rustling of leaves and snapping of twigs. My blood froze.

"Hello?"

I didn't dare whirl around—if nothing else, just out of fear of dropping the branches. But the noise didn't repeat itself. I waited, motionless. Only the chirping of birds and flow of the tide in the distance broke the stillness of the air. Slowly, I turned my head. Nobody was there.

Maybe it was just an animal. I could see if there were any hunting tools in the shed.

When I pushed the door open with my shoulder, I dropped to my knees. The branches rolled out of my arms. Matt jumped in his chair, startled.

"I told you to ask for help," he said.

"I need water," I panted.

Matt hurried to fetch the bottle from the fireplace and a glass, which he filled and handed to me. I drank it in one gulp. My stomach growled.

"I'd give you more," said Matt with an apologetic look. "But this is the only bottle we've got."

"That's fine." I handed him the glass back. "Where did you get this?"

He gestured at the block of stone where Theo had slept. He must've moved to the bedroom. The woolen blanket was pulled back to reveal a trapdoor. I got to my feet and peered in. There were four plates, four glasses and enough cutlery for four people.

Someone had put them there in anticipation of our arrival. They didn't predict only three of us would make it. I closed my eyes.

"I-I went into the woods," I said, trying to keep my voice from breaking. "There's magical herbs and plants. Animals, too. I don't know much about Herbology—that was more of my best friend's forte." Despite my state of mind, the smile that I felt forming at the mention of Sibi wasn't forced. "But if there's any hunting tools here, I can take down a rabbit or two. Plus there's the sea."

Matt cocked his head to the side. "Have you ever hunted before?"

"No. But there's a first for everything."

"There's a storage in the back, next to the restroom. Check in there. I didn't get the chance to have a look."

He started replacing the burnt wood in the fireplace with the branches I brought. I walked out and circled the shed. The door of the storage looked like it was barely holding on to its hinges. The latch was undone—another sign someone had been here. Inside, the storage held a sweeping broom and a pair of gloves. And there were tools alright. A small fishing rod, some rope, a shovel, two daggers and a coil spring trap.

Just the thought of slaughtering an animal made me cringe. But we had to eat. I grabbed the rope and one of the daggers and headed into the forest again. I had no clue how a fishing rod or trap worked, so having to use a more direct way to kill seemed like the only option. Also the worst.

You'd think it would be easier to come across an animal in an island that small, which buzzed with wildlife. But only after sitting by a fallen log for what felt like hours did I finally see something. A couple of feet to my left stood a deer. It was so small, practically a baby. It pecked on some blades of grass, its brown spotted fur glowing under the beam of sunlight that filtered through the crowns of trees.

I started padding toward it. Its left ear twitched, like it had picked up my movement. I halted my step. But the deer continued to peck on the grass as if it had never been disturbed. In the middle of the greenery with the specks of magic all around, the animal looked like it belonged to a different world. A utopian land where nothing could ever go wrong, where nobody would disturb its serenity and no starved prison escapee would linger behind a tree with a dagger in her hands, ready to take its life.

My hand shook. I couldn't do it. Who gave me the right to take this poor deer's life? Why did this harmless creature deserve to die and I got to live? I looked at the deer again. It was so gentle and small. It had a whole life ahead. So many more forests to explore, sunshine and fresh air to enjoy.

"So did I," a voice whispered in my ear.

I whirled around. My heart was pounding, but in front of my eyes lay only trees. There was no voice, only the birds chirping. I pressed the heels of my hands to my temples.

Not real. She's gone. She's not real.

"I asked for help, Polly. Where were you?"

I opened my eyes. Stella was standing there in the sunlight, kneeled by the baby deer's side and gently stroking his head.

"No!" I screamed. I shook my head and squeezed my eyes shut. "No. You're not there. You're not real. You're not real. Not real."

In your mind, will I ever die? Will Stella?

I opened my eyes again. Stella wasn't there. The deer had disappeared too, probably scared off by my screams. I was shaking. The dagger fell from my hand.

I collapsed to the ground, brought my trembling fingers to my eyes and sobbed. There was no pillow to silence my cries now. They racked my body and echoed through the forest until my throat went raw and my voice was gone.

No sound came from the trees. Not a buzz or a chirp. It was like the whole fauna was gone. Just like the baby deer.

Just like Stella.

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hey y'all! nanowrimo is over and i WON which i'm so happy abt :') bc that also means i get to update more often now. i planned out part 5 and there will be approx 6 chapters which i'm SO excited abt bc my fav scenes happen in this part (unfortunately, they're not *exactly* happy scenes bc polly is grieving and all, but interesting stuff happens and i promise i'm laying off the tragedies for now). most of the worst is over ;)