a/n: I've never been on a cruise before and never will

<><><>

The crew stood in front of the massive ship, its hull facing them. It had all sorts of marine life decorated on it, all in an eerily realistic style. It was kinda terrifying, to be honest. It was so big. Too big. What's the need for it to be so damn big?

"Why are we here?" Marth asked.

"Obviously because it's too damn cold back home and we need some sunlight to make our miserable lives a little brighter!" Peach said, smiling.

"You've turned a lot more morbid Peach," Samus said.

"Quarantine made us all a little crazy right?" Peach grinned, putting her sunglasses over her eyes.

"But we didn't-"

"Shut up."

"Aren't we in Isle Delfino? Peach, you better not get any ideas," Claude smirked.

"First of all, you weren't even there, second, if you guys keep pestering me, maybe this cruise will turn into a bloodbath!" Peach said, still smiling. They shut up. "Anyway, welcome to the new and improved Queen Peach!"

"I still don't get why we're here all of a sudden," Marth said.

"Because fuck you that's why," Peach groaned. She grabbed her suitcase and waved her hand over her head. "Let's go everybody! This thing's leaving soon and I wanna sleep."

Lucina looked at the hull. It was so close. If she reached out, maybe she could touch it. I mean sure they were at the very edge of the dock and the raging sea was beneath them so if she falls she's practically dead, but yolo right?

"Don't," Palutena said, grabbing Lucina's wrist just as she began reaching out. "You're gonna die."

"But I wanna know how it feels," Lucina whined.

"It feels like metal, you're welcome," Palutena said, dragging her away.

"This trip is gonna be horrible," Robin groaned.

"Relax, I packed your anti-motion-sickness medicine," Zelda said as she patted his back.

"That stuff has no effect on me anymore. I'll just suffer, alone, in our room, in misery," Robin sighed. "I just hope our room doesn't have windows in it. If I have to look out at the raging sea, especially at night, I'll jump off the boat."

"I'm half sure every room has a balcony, or a window at least," Ike said.

"Well shit."

As they boarded the cruise, they handed in their tickets to the pianta that stood by the entrance. The inside of the ship was decorated with all sorts of browns, reds, and golds, with a bunch of staircases leading to different parts of the ship. There weren't as many people as they expected, but to be fair they had gotten here early. Surprisingly. They then decided to split up and go to their rooms and unpack. Four of them would one room, with Marth, Samus, Peach, and Claude in one, Palutena, Link, Lucina, in another, Sheik, Zelda, Ike, and Robin right next to them, and finally, Pit, Roy, Shulk, and Dimitri in the last.

Poor Dimitri, while he did volunteer to be the one to stay with the kids, he regretted his decision the moment they entered the room. Somehow, within the first ten seconds of entering, the sheets on one bed were already on the floor, one of them had stripped to put on a swimsuit, and the only sane one had actually put his things in the small closet in the corner of the room. To Dimitri, this was going to be hell, he knew that already. But he's gone through worse, he could handle this. Right?

As soon as they got in the room, Robin fell on his knees and gripped his stomach. "The thing's not even moving and yet I can already feel death on the horizon."

"I mean technically-"

"Shut up, Sheik. Please."

"You sure you don't want the medicine, babe?" Zelda said, patting his back while holding a bottle of pills on her other hand.

"I'll take one, thank you," Robin groaned. Ike grabbed a water bottle from a mini fridge and handed it to Robin while Zelda took out one of the pills and also handed it to him. Robin drank it down through pure force and almost immediately regurgitated it out.

After a couple minutes, once Robin caught his breath, Zelda asked, "Feeling better?"

"A little, thanks," he smiled weakly.

"Maybe you should sleep for a while, we'll wake you up once it's time to meet up with the others," Ike suggested. Robin nodded, dragging himself to one of the two beds and slipping between the sheets. He was out in an instant.

"How are you guys so good at comforting people?" Sheik asked.

"It's not the first time this kinda stuff has happened," Ike said. "Poor guy, I feel like his motion sickness has gotten worse recently."

"He was feeling horrible on the ride here, I can only imagine how much worse he feels," Zelda frowned. Sheik started feeling a little guilty, so he started looking around the room for any sort of snack that would make Robin feel better once he woke up. "Food won't help."

"What can I do then?" Sheik asked.

"Be patient, and maybe turn down the sass a little," Ike said.

"I can do the second one, not sure about that first one."

"Anger issues," Zelda sighed.

"Shut up."

***

"I didn't know Robin was dating your dad."

"They're not dating..."

"The new duo says otherwise."

Palutena watched as Link and Lucina succumbed to their gambling addictions and glued themselves to their phones. "Well I think your dad's an asshole," she said. No reaction. They didn't even look up. She sighed and laid back on her bed, facing up. I wanna watch porn, she thought, But then I'd get stupider, and I think I'm already stupid enough. Well, bimbo life doesn't sound that bad, no thoughts, no responsibilities, just have a nice pair of tits and live life to the fullest. I bet there's some hot sugar daddies out there, not that I need one considering I'm a goddess and all.

...

If I watch porn while connected to the wifi of this cruise I wonder if the crew will know.

"No fucking way in hell I just got a Grima."

"He came to crash your dad's wedding."

"THEY'RE NOT GETTING MARRIED! ...To my knowledge anyway."

"So you're saying they could?"

"I guess? Kinda weird to have my ex as my stepfather though."

"Can you imagine calling him daddy?"

"Gross."

***

"Are you two sure we should do this? She's gonna kill us when she wakes up," Claude said.

"Whatever, it's fine," Samus said. "Not like she hasn't done this to us a billion times."

"Exactly, it's just a bit of revenge, that's all," Marth said. "Now, if can just put a little eyeliner here-"

"Touch me and I'll kill you."

The three jumped as far away as they could as Peach went back to snoring. They looked at each other, panting out of horror, and hid beside the other bed in the room, out of Peach's sight.

***

The ship was off, sailing into the open sea. Wouldn't it be funny if it sunk? Anyway, the gang (minus Peach and Robin) met up on the deck, where a large pool sat. Hundreds of passengers were already swimming around, getting a tan, and drinking at a nearby bar. It was a little surprising, considering the ship had just set sail, but it's not like they were any different.

"We're never gonna find a place to put our stuff, are we?" Marth said.

"Nope," Roy said. "Might as well just leave it on the floor, right?"

"I mean, I guess."

"I found a seat!" The crew looked at Shulk, who was waving his arms from all the way across the deck. They didn't even notice when he left. They squirmed their way around all the other passengers and set their stuff down on the singular chair. It didn't fit.

"Welp," Roy sighed. "It is what it is."

"I wanna go swim," Pit said.

"Go, be free, children. I'll stay back and watch our things," Marth said as though he was a tragic mother. The others looked at each other, shrugged, then went their separate ways. Except for Roy, who stayed behind. He sat next to Marth on the deck's floor, crossing his legs and sighing. Marth raised a brow. "You alright there? It's weird not seeing you be, well, horny during a beach- uh, cruise pool chapter."

"I've grown, Marth, I've been thinking more," Roy said.

"About how you're a homosexual-"

"No, about how being horny isn't worth it. Boobs are nice and all, but they're not there forever."

"I think they are, actually. Unless someone gets top surgery-"

"And butts are nice too, but what if I don't wanna touch one? What if I don't wanna look at boobs? What if I just want to be happy?"

"Well there's Lilina-"

"Being horny is so tiring, Marth. I'm retiring from being the Horny King, now Palutena shall stand alone as the Horny Queen."

"...okay then."

"I wish I knew how to swim so I could enjoy this pool to the fullest," Dimitri said.

"You don't have to swim, you know," Samus said.

"I know, but I feel like swimming and just standing in the middle of a pool are two completely different experiences. It's a shame I won't be able to experience one of them," Dimitri sighed.

"Riiiight," Samus said. The two were sitting at the edge of the pool, their legs dipping into the water. They were enjoying some drinks from the bar as they watched over Pit and Shulk playing around in the pool. "I could teach you how to swim."

"That's okay, thank you."

"What why?"

"Because."

"...because what?"

"Well..."

"Out with it!"

"I just don't want to learn."

"But why?"

"I don't know." At that, Dimitri stood up and left. Where did he go? Who knows. Samus raised a brow but shrugged it off, turning her attention back to the kids. They were gone. Oh no.

"Well shit," Samus groaned. She jumped into the pool, walking around and calling their names. Not like she expected them to answer, but it was worth a shot. She didn't see them anywhere, so she thought maybe they somehow left the pool in the two seconds her head was turned away. But then she realized, those two would never do something as normal as that.

She swum her to the deeper end of the pool, a part which was for adults only. Once she was deep in enough, she dove down, swimming further and further down. And sure enough, right at the very bottom of the pool, Shulk and Pit were swimming around like mermaids. Sure, Pit wasn't actually swimming and was instead holding Shulk's hand, but he was still moving his legs around. They saw her, looked at each other, then scattered. She caught them easily.

They swam back up to the surface. "Okay, smartasses, what the hell made you think it was a good idea to go to the deep end?" Samus yelled, wiping water off her face.

"We wanted to be mermaids!" Pit said as he grabbed the edge of the pool.

"Mermaids~" Shulk repeated, helping Pit get out of the water.

"And you couldn't have done that in the shallow end?"

"It'd be less fun that way!"

Samus sighed and decided to drop the topic. Not like they'd understand the heart attack they almost gave her.

***

Zelda quietly made her way into her room, holding a plastic bowl with a cap covering it. It was nighttime now, and despite how eerie the deep, dark sea looked, the gang had just had a surprisingly nice dinner. Except for one.

She tip-toed her way to the bed, sitting beside the sleeping white-haired man. "Robbie," she said quietly.

He groaned, shuffling around in his sleep. He opened one of his eyes and looked up at her, sitting up. He looked out the window, smiled, and said, "Afternoon."

"Good evening, sweet prince," Zelda said. She held out the bowl to him, along with a spoon. "I found this soup at the dining hall, figured it might be the easiest thing to digest considering your circumstances."

"Oh, thank you," Robin said, gratefully taking the bowl into his hands. "I'm sorry, you should be with the others enjoying the night, not stuck here with me."

"I was getting a little overwhelmed anyway, there's a lot of people out there," Zelda said.

"I see," Robin said. He still couldn't help but feel a little guilty, but he smiled anyway. "Thank you for the meal."