≪ Chapter 25 ≫

Hikari

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My heart felt pretty stabbed, but I let out a puff of air and shoved my blanket aside, feeling the autumn air kiss my feet. I told myself that I would not whine and let myself be paralyzingly hurt by what had happened because I needed to be strong. I needed to be strong and let the world know that Nee-chan and Sugawara were fools for thinking that was enough to make me wave my white flag.

Nobody needed to know how hurt I felt, no matter how pained it made me to put my uniform back on and head out with a smile on my face. Crying was for first-years and I was a third-year. It wasn't like this situation was unbearable.

When I got to the table, Ichigo-neechan, Kaachan, and Tousan were already grinning at stories being shared over breakfast. I wasted absolutely no time dawdling and went straight for the cupboard, in hopes that what I was looking for would be present.

"Ayu-chan, what are you looking for?" Kaachan questioned, standing up from the table.

I shook my head. "There's no need to stand up, I'm only looking for bread."

"I finished it," Nee-chan piped up, sounding like she was not the least bit sorry. "Gomen, I didn't know that was yours."

"Ah, did you enjoy eating it while chatting with Sugawara, Ichigo? He must have liked it. It was curry bread," I smiled, mentally patting myself on the back.

Nice, Ayumu.

I saw her fingers flinch as she reached for the teapot. Unable to speak, Kaachan beat her to it. "Sugawara-kun visited? You should have told him to wait for us, we would have loved to see him. Ne, Ayu-chan. Invite him over for some tea later. I'm sure you three would love to catch up together."

I hesitated, but continued to smile. "It's alright, really. We talk way more than enough at school, and Ichigo has already gotten time to talk with him. Perhaps you should have told me, Ichigo. Maybe we would have been able to catch up, then."

Ichigo looked at me apologizingly. I looked away.

"Would you like cereal instead?" she asked softly, pointing to the cupboard. "There's milk in the refrigerator."

Ah, the cereal that was once fought for in the grocery. The one he bought me out of pity and apology. Disgusting.

I glanced at my watch. "The train comes at 7:00, and it's already 6:30. Wouldn't wanna miss that. We can all talk later. Jaa ne!"

"Oh, Ayu. Get a snack in the convenience store," Tousan told me, placing a 500 yen coin in my hand. "Eat well. You're too thin."

"You always think I'm too thin, Tousan. Demo, arigato. I'll definitely buy something. Ittekimasu," I grinned, waving.

"Itterasshai! Don't spend it all on manga or something!" was all I could hear before I shut the door of the house.

'Ichigo never looked at me sorrily like that ever since that happened. Osaka must've changed her,' I thought, looking straight ahead.

For the second time today, the autumn air greeted me. A little shiver made its way through my neck, so I unzipped my bag and pulled out my scarf. Then, I thought about how warm and nice it would be to be hugged.

The scenery around me seemed foggier than I knew it to be. The tips of my fingers seemed to be freezing, so I snuggled further into my baby blue scarf in an attempt to warm myself a little more. I felt glad that ottosan handed me 500 yen before I left, but I could not bring myself to smile.

The station gate made a little beep as I tapped my wallet on the scanner. While walking to the platforms, I pondered about this whole mess I was in with my head titled towards the floor.

'Perhaps, really dislike?'

'Goodness knows what you're doing to me, Ayumu.'

I grit my teeth as I heard the the train nearing. Thinking about that traitor was so irritating. The thing was— I'd be perfectly fine with feeling anger, disappointment, or frustration. Sadness, even.

But betrayal. Betrayal just drops the whole package of negative emotions on you like a boulder.

As I tried to find a seat on the train, I wondered why everyone regarded me as 'smart'. Everywhere I went, I'd get praises from people saying that I was such a perfect being that had so many talents. Whenever someone would see that I aced yet another test, they'd tell me that I was such a lucky person, that they wished they had my intelligence.

But was that all people defined me as? Intelligent? Just because the numbers on my card were high, people would call me perfect, intelligent, and capable.

I didn't quite understand. I understood that I lived in a world where numbers on paper would be the decider on whether you'd be successful or not, but I never thought that was a hundred percent true.

I found it stupid that grades defined people. Just because you don't have outstanding marks doesn't make you less of a person.

And it was the same with having high marks.

Just because you can ace tests doesn't mean your heart wouldn't easily fall for the tricks of jerks.

It was disappointing, really. And it made me feel guilty. People thought I was an intelligent and perfect being, but I was not. I was not all they thought me to be, and it made me all the more upset to know that people didn't really know how hard it was to earn everything. They didn't know of the countless times I asked help from my father, the plenty of times I cried to Kei and Tadashi about my problems, the going back and forth to teachers to ask for reconsideration, and all the times I cried on my bed about still not being enough.

The idea of me being talented was both a really cool thing and a tiring facade. If I was as great as everyone thought me to be, maybe I wouldn't be so hurt about this whole situation.

Maybe I wouldn't be hurt at all.

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I looked ahead. In front of me was not only the gate of Karasuno, but a certain silver-headed setter who seemed to be talking with his two buddies. I clicked my tongue.

"Dramatic, now aren't we?"

I clicked my tongue again. "You overuse that line, Kei. You said the same exact thing to me on the first day I came this school year. Think of better lines. What if that wasn't me who you used it on twice? People will think you're uncreative. But then again, it would shatter a part of your pride. Wouldn't that be nice?"

I noticed him look up at the sky as if he was in thought before he looked back at me. "That reminds me. Where were you?"

I stopped. In front of us, I could see Sawamura-san speaking. Sugawara's head was down. Asahi seemed to be listening to whatever the captain was talking about.

Kei took notice of where I was staring. I shifted my gaze to the trees.

"Ayu-chan. I asked you a question."

"At home, Kei."

It was his turn to shift his gaze. It landed right on my eyes.

And at that moment, I pleaded silently that he would shift it again. It was one of those moments when I decided to hide behind my glasses, hoping that the plastic frame would be enough to shield me from Kei's staring, for those glasses were the only thing that I found to blur emotion that could be read from my eyes. Because I knew he would probably be able see through it with ease, I looked down to the floor.

He leaned in closer. I tilted my head down further.

"Why are your eyes red?"

My pulse quickened. Kei did not need to know.

"They are?" I asked, feigning shock. I dared to return his gaze directly. "How red?"

Then, I proceeded to look away once more, whispering to myself to add to the effect. "Did I scratch them that much? Ah, Tousan was right. I should stop scratching them."

I could have hugged Tadashi right then, because he tapped my shoulder out of nowhere, greeting Kei and I a good morning. That seemed to break Kei's curiosity.

"You should continue walking, not just stand idly at the gates, you two! Look, there's Daichi! Dai-"

I slapped Tadashi's mouth. Kei eyed me doubtfully.

"Tadashi," I started, "don't yell. It's morning, many are still half asleep. Let's catch up to them later, okay?"

I pleaded once more that Kei would not notice my act. They didn't need to know anything. They didn't deserve to worry about problems that weren't even theirs. That would be unfair to them.

"Tch, you guys are so loud. Let's just go," the blonde commented, seemingly irritated like he always was. I thanked the part of him that was so hot-blooded.

The walk was silent, unusually. I continued to look down at the floor, for it was better than having to look at people who I was tempted to spill my worries to. For their sake, I'd gladly shut up.

It was when the three boys ahead of us stepped inside the campus did Kei grab both of our wrists and lead us behind a wall.

"Why won't you tell us what really happened?"

I looked at him. Then at Tadashi. My freckled friend's smile was nowhere to be found.

"I couldn't find you. Where did you go, Ayu-chan?" Tadashi asked, looking at me with worry.

I smiled, then sighed. "I left. I didn't tell you because you two were having fun. You didn't deserve to worry about me last night, so I didn't trouble you."

Inside, I instantly regretted leaving the culture festival last night. Perhaps if I just stayed put, all these complications would not have arisen. Ah, a mistake.

"You never look at the floor for extended periods of time unless you're too lost in thought. You are going to tell us what happened," Kei ordered, "or I will ask someone else."

I broke my hand free of his grasps. "Geez, Kei. No need to be so uptight. Look, Ichigo arrived. Sugawara stood me up so he could go see her. When I got home, there they were, him talking to her like he never asked me to go escort him. There. Was that what you wanted to hear? Because really, that was it. That's all. This was all probably just a plan to hurt me, but I am not going to give them what they want. I will not care. I will not get hurt."

"So why are your eyes so red?" Kei questioned, his stare sharp and hard.

I returned his stare just as serious. "I scratched them."

"Listen, I did not accept you as my friend for who-knows-how-long for you to lie to me."

I winced.

"Ayu-chan," Tadashi began, "I don't care if you think we don't deserve to know your problems! I don't care if you think-"

"Tadashi, please keep your voice down-"

"I don't want to."

At this point, he grabbed my wrist with one hand and placed a firm grip on my shoulders with the other. "You always think you can handle your problems by yourself, that you can stand on your own so you won't have to burden others. Listen closely, Ayumu. You are not a burden to me, nor are you to Tsukki. If you're hurt by something, say it. Not accepting your true feeling is exactly the same as being the weak coward you always fear to be!"

"Oi, Yamaguchi."

"If you don't wanna speak up, that's fine, Ayu-chan. If you don't trust us, that's fine, too! But remember, we're not Sugawara, and we wouldn't ever dream of hurting you."

I let a puff of air out, pulling my scarf closer to my face. I should have told them sooner.

"It's not that I don't trust you, I really do. It's just that I don't like feeling like a burde-"

I was cut off by his strong arms. They wrapped around my skinny frame and squeezed me like I was a pillow. Ah, his warm hugs.

"Why would you think that? You aren't a burden. You were never a burden. You," he continued, "are my best friend."

Though his arms were lots bigger than mine, they were gentle. Tadashi's hugs were no doubt the best and the ones I found to be most comforting. His words were soft, too; they were firm yet sweet.

"Tell me, what are you feeling?" he told me, not letting go. He seemed determined.

"Disappointed," I answered, slowly wrapping my own arms around him. "Disappointed in myself because I fell right into their hands."

"Go on."

"And though he can't know, I'm actually really hurt. I don't know why, but I feel hurt. Probably a lot more hurt than I should be."

Tadashi let go of me, putting his arms on my shoulders instead.

He smiled.

"Ne, Ayu-chan. Can I ask you something?"

I nodded. "Mm, of course."

"Do you perhaps... have feelings for Sugawara-senpai?"

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a/n: WHADDUP

HAVE AN UPDATE, thO ITS A LITTLE LATE

i was s'pposed to have it posted earlier but i had to edit it and put more substance to make it more interesting. i am still not used to first person, so it sounds less deep.

for consistency of act two, ill try to avoid third person. this is because act two will center around what a certain person is feeling rather than what everyone would be feeling towards a moment.

(;;^;;) i hope it was fine. we are entering an arc in which i will be so excited to write !!

//screams

comments are always appreciated. thanks for everyone's patience !! <<33 have a nice day ;;v;;

jaa,

cerys