I remember the way he looked at me with his cold, hard stare. Emotionless.

 The way he tried to hide his smile when I cried. Heartless

 They way it felt when he said he loved me. All of it was lies. Every. Single. Word. 

I never once let his words get to me. I never let his sweet lies sink into me. I knew better than to do so. I knew he was bad. I knew his position, his reputation, hell, we weren't even supposed to meet. There was nothing in it for either for us. There was nothing I could give him that he didn't already have and the same went for me. He never once looked at me with eyes of compassion or maybe even love, nor I ever to him.  I knew, I was positive that nothing good would ever come out of this situation. Maybe it was because I craved the way it hurt when he pushed me aside, or the feeling I got when I was with him. It wasn't love- for I knew the feeling beforehand and this was the exact opposite of love, it was hate most of all.  I pushed him away only to run over and beg at his feet for him to return again. He apologized only to turn around and betray me again. I despised this man and every bone in his body, but that didn't change the way I wanted him.  He was ugly on the inside, having mood swings this way and that but that didn't change the fact that I adored the boy.  I hated this man with my whole being and everything in me, but that didn't change the fact that I always craved him. 

I had it all worked out before he came along. He ruined it. Ruined my relationship, my family, my career, my life. I knew that I would have to hide it, my pain, my hurting, him.  But at the same time everything screamed him. But I have had grown tired of the life I lead anyways.  Its like I was on drugs. And those drugs were him. And I was addicted even though I knew it was killing me. Maybe I just wanted him to be the death of me. Maybe that was why I let it get this far. I wanted him to rip me apart.