Tw venting

My eyes are burning from the glow of the phone light I've stared at all night.

It's been a while since I've stopped staring at my phone. All I have left to do is stare up at the ceiling and think. And thinking is dangerous, so when my mind wanders too deep into places I don't want it to go I pull it back by finding something new to look at.

I think I could tell you every little detail in the ceiling now.

How the light from the window looks against it. Every raised piece that there is. I've counted the stars outside my windows so many times that if I count it one more I think I'll go insane.

But it's better than thinking. It's better than remembering how bad things are right now. Better than remembering a love one lost, how my mental health has plummeted, and my stupid New Years resolution I can't stop thinking about, holding onto, despite the fact that I've already failed it so many nights.

Counting everything I see is better than feeling. The pain, sadness, anxiety, anger that I feel.

It's 5AM and I just want to sleep.

I count the stars again.