If you are family, my sister or anyone else, I hope that you will respect me when I tell you to please ignore this. This isn't for any of you to see. This is where I am currently venting my feelings, and those feelings are not meant for you to read.

If you are bothered by me talking about anxiety/depression things, probably just best not to read any of this but especially not past the photos of me and my dog. Just know that I honestly feel like I could be worse, so don't worry. I'll get back to normal eventually.

I'm. Very upset, currently. I'm not sure if writing this in here is going to work out, because I have come here plenty of times to write out my thoughts and I just. Can't do it. I can't talk about my feelings. I feel awkward and dumb and like I make no sense and I mean, hey, who really cares anyways right? But like.

I dunno. I'm very mad, and tired right now. I just want someplace to get it out. I'm really tired of no one listening to how I feel, I guess.

So I'll try my best to explain the situation a little bit.

There is a certain person who has hurt me quite a few times. They accused me of something that I had proof I didn't do. They made me feel like I was unimportant. They made it feel like despite my feelings I was, and still am despite not talking to them for a long time, supposed to be there for them when they needed it. Like their feelings matter a lot more than mine.

And it....... sucks. So obviously, I didn't really want to talk to them, right? Who wants to be friends with someone who makes you feel like you don't matter? I thought that it was the right choice for both of us-they could find other fiends easily. They have found other friends, I'm pretty sure. I was away from them, and while I don't have very many friends I'm at least pretty sure that my current friend actually gives a shit about me.

It's better for us to just move on, right? Apparently not.

Because.... they still want to be my friend. And look...... we were friends for a long time. Obviously I didn't want to lose them, but I just don't want to stick around someone who made me feel awful so much. And I know, maybe it wasn't on purpose. But this isn't the first time it's happened. I just don't feel like going through it all over again. Yeah, I fucked up too sometimes. I try to do better. But there's one thing they wanted me to do that I couldn't help. And it kept coming up. Despite me explaining that I couldn't help it, and them telling me it was okay, somehow it came up again and they were angry and I just know that if we went back to being friends it will come up again, despite me having no possible way of fixing it.

But despite all of this, despite all of my reasons that I've told people, despite my feelings everyone thinks that I should talk to them again.

And it makes me feel like shit.

Why? Why do I have to be friends with someone like that? Just because they want to? Am I really that bad of a person for just wanting to exist without feeling like I'm fucking worthless?

Apparently I am. At least, that's what it sounds like from what other people have said. Apparently I really don't get a say in who I'm friends with, because "oh you were so close before!" "Oh you can't just turn people away like that!"

Yeah, well they still fucking hurt me. Do I not get to have feelings? I honestly don't want them, I wish they would just go away but unfortunately for me they exist and ignoring them just makes everything worse and because everyone else just likes to pretend they don't matter I start to do it too until eventually I'm left wanting to break down sobbing in my bedroom but I can't because someone might hear me and I might inconvenience someone else with my emotions

I'm just tired. I'm really tired.

Am I a bad person for not wanting to be their friend? I don't know. Maybe I am. Maybe everyone's right.

I don't know.

I don't know what else to say here either. Uh... I kept who I've been talking about the whole time secret, so don't try and guess or something stupid like that. It doesn't matter. I still don't know whether I'm going to try and talk to them or not, cause. I mean I don't want to, but I guess according to everyone else I'm a shitty person if I don't so. I don't know. I just don't know.

Fuck man. I should've just like, found a way to vent this in a oneshot or something instead. At least then I would've been less likely to cry while I wrote my feelings out. Putting my feelings onto a fictional character is so much easier than talking about them as myself. Fuck. I wish I was emotionless. Life would be so much fucking easier without this. Why can't I think logically about everything rather than emotionally? I hate it. I hate it I hate it I hate it

I dunno if I should even post this. Like, what's the point? I mean. Yeah maybe I kinda want someone to give a shit, that'd be nice but at the same time this embarrasses the hell out of me. And I feel annoying. Like no one cares. Like my feelings don't matter.

But if I upload this then it just looks like I want attention. I'm not saying this for attention, I'm saying this because it's how I feel. And yeah, okay. It'd be nice for someone to acknowledge that. To care.

That's my problem with talking about my feelings I guess. For one, well you've read this far into it. You've heard how plenty of people have shown me how little they care. And I don't want to come off as attention seeking. And I don't want to annoy my friends who could potentially be feeling bad rn and see this and make it worse somehow. The worst thing I could imagine happening when I talk about my feelings is that I vent to someone else who's also feeling bad and make them feel worse.

Cause I've had that happen before in the past, where I'm upset and want to talk to someone but they're also upset. Which is fine, cause I try to be there and sometimes helping others makes me feel better. But some days it's hard to comfort others when you feel bad, and they don't even really bother to check on you or ask how you are. I try really hard to always be sure when I vent to someone that they're doing okay first, that they really don't mind. Not that I really talk to anyone that often, but y'know. On the rare occasion that it's gotten to that point and I feel like I'm not going to bother them.

Ugh okay. I should stop rambling on in here and go get some work done or something. Don't feel obligated to say something on this either, like. You don't have to try and be there for me. I'll live. I just wanted to get it out. I'm just really tired. And I know I keep repeating that. I just am.

Okay. I'm going to go work on my book and distract myself.

I always feel like I should have a lighthearted way to end these kinds of things so I guess, have a picture of Vaughn and a picture of me.

My sweater says "give me some space" and I even put in earrings that matched. I've been making myself get up in the morning and dress somewhat nicely, because I've been able to tell all week that my mood was steadily declining (just bc of my depression, not really any specific thing until today) and I've been working really, really hard to keep it from really bothering me.

Honestly, I've actually been proud of myself this week. Yeah, I had my first anxiety attack in a while, and my first suicidal/self harm thoughts, but I haven't given into it. I made myself clean my entire room because I knew that if I let that get even more out of control my mood would only be worse, I changed my sheets and I've been showering despite my lack of motivation to even get out of bed. I've even been out of my room more than I used to be able to during one of my bad moods, and I've made myself interact with people.

That doesn't mean that none of them have noticed the change, because every single person I'm living with currently has asked me ten thousand times why I haven't come out of my room much this week, but that's because when I first moved into my grandparents I was honestly doing pretty okay-I haven't been the best, because I'm honestly stressed out a lot, but I hung out with everyone pretty much all day. I wasn't feeling as depressed.

I'm just hopeful that this is just a bad week. That I'll keep trying to fight off my bad mood, and it'll go away before it can really start to affect me.

Anyways I'm really going to stop talking about myself now. I need to get some things written tonight so. Thanks for listening if you did. I hope you guys are having better days. Sorry? I guess. Bye-Oliver