31. Not Okay
Kay walked down the long hallway leading to the gym, wondering why she felt so nervous. It was probably because she had no idea what to expect, what Kyle not being okay meant. Even before she reached the entrance, she could hear the sound of something being pummeled. Warily, she opened the door.
Kyle was in front of the boxing bag, punching and kicking the shit out of it. He had headphones on and the music turned all the way up, since Kay could actually hear the buzzing of what sounded like heavy rock between the hits.
Sweat trickled down his face, running down to his already soaked t-shirt, and the look on his face sent shivers down her spine. He didn't look sad, he looked pissed as hell. And at that moment, she wondered what Max was playing at. If he knew about Kyle blacking out when he got angry, why was he turning him into a potential killing machine?
With a frustrated grunt, Kyle punched the bag hard. It flew off its hook and crashed against the wall. Kay took an involuntary step back.
"Fuck, not again," he mumbled, wiping his forehead. He rested his hands on his bent knees, breathing for a second before he went for the bag.
"Um, Kyle?" she said tentatively, though she was sure he couldn't hear her with the music playing so loud.
But he turned around and looked at her surprised, the anger vanishing in an instant. "Kay? What are you doing here?" He took the earbuds out and started fishing for his iPod to turn the music off.
"Max let me in." She took a hesitant step inside, because she could tell Kyle really wasn't his usual self, though she couldn't exactly tell what had changed.
He raised his eyebrows. "Max?"
"Actually, your housekeeper, but then Max came and said I should come down to see you. I only wanted to see if you were okay because you didn't answer your phone." She hesitated, but couldn't stand the silence so she filled it with petty small talk. "I think I woke Max up from his nap."
Kyle, who'd started searching the pockets of his sweats, probably for his phone, stopped and rolled his eyes. "Yeah, you mean from his romp."
"What do you... no!" Kay's mouth fell open. "Do you mean...?"
"That Max is doing Rosario? Yeah, for the past two years. He has no idea I know, but I walked in on them, then had to wash my eyes out. I knew what they were up to, hence the loud music." He grinned at her, but it wasn't the usual carefree smile she loved.
That explained why the house keeper looked so flustered. "But she's so young.'"
"Nah, I think she's like ten years younger than Max. She's a big girl, knows what she's getting herself into. If I didn't want to avoid the subject like the plague, I'd tell Max to get her into college." His voice was off, too.
Kay walked to a bench that was closest to him and sat down. Maybe it was her turn to play supportive friend. "Are you okay?"
He watched her for a few moments, as if wondering if he should lie or not.
"We're doing the brutal honesty thing, by the way," she added, just in case.
He smiled again, but it was humorless. "I'm not okay." He indicated towards the fallen punching bag. "I'm very obviously not okay."
She patted the space next to her on the bench, but he ignored her and leaned against the wall instead, crossing his arms over his chest. He was tense and something obviously bothered him.
"Look, if it hurts so much, you can end it," she said. The words were tearing holes in her throat, but she had to get them out, it was the right thing to do. "Cecily will surely want to get back together."
"This isn't about me and Cecily. She cheated on me anyway and our relationship was doomed in more ways than one. It was her idea to go on a break anyway, even if I'm not exactly sure why. It's just that..." He stopped and squinted at her. "How do you know I broke up with Cecily?"
Ah, crap, she wasn't supposed to know. "I guessed, after all that happened."
The intensity of his narrowed eyes sent her heart into hyper-drive. "Don't lie to me. Everyone has a tell. So do you."
Well, shit. Kay took a deep breath, wondering how angry he'd get. "I was kinda there when it happened, but I swear I only wanted to back you up." She closed her eyes, waiting for the explosion.
Nothing.
"You're way too curious for you own good." Kyle bounced his fist off the wall and looked away from her, seeming slightly uncomfortable. "Don't take what I said the wrong way."
It was maybe a mark of how close they've become that she immediately understood what he meant. "I won't. It wasn't fair for her to ask you to choose. I hated Pete and Jackson with a passion and still never asked Donnie to even stop hanging out with them, let alone choose between them and me."
Kyle nodded. "If you love someone, you should never present them with this choice. Not that Cecily loved me."
"Did you love her?" Kay whispered.
"Obviously not. I've been a terrible boyfriend. What she did with Pierce... I sorta had that coming."
"That's harsh."
He finally sat next to her, leaning his chin in his hands. "Is it? And the break... I think she meant for me to miss her. Instead, I just felt free without her. You were right. What was I even playing at?"
She fought the need to wrap her arms around him, hold him against her, make him feel better. Because she couldn't stand seeing him like this, so conflicted, so... vulnerable. "Is the cheating why you're so upset?"
"This is going to sound terrible, and it is, but I don't care that Cecily cheated on me. That's what actually bothers me."
It didn't sound terrible, but it did sound odd. "Wait, what?"
Kyle stood again and started pacing in front of her. "I should feel something. I'm just a little bummed. Maybe Cecily's right. Maybe I'm incapable of loving anyone but myself."
"That's not true." Kay stood too and stopped him, squeezing his shoulder. "You love Max, Sophie, your brothers. You love Joey and Kelly and..."
Me. But she couldn't say it, even if she meant platonic love, because it was so obvious he did. She could see it in every little thing he did for her. Getting her lasagna to make her feel better, making her laugh, coaching her to keep her mind off her heart ache. Even this stupid lie about sleeping with her was meant to protect her.
He smiled weakly at her, but didn't say what she so desperately wanted to hear, what he kept showing. "Okay, you're right, I'm obviously not incapable of feelings. But my relationship with Cecily... I never even gave it a chance. In my mind, there was no way in hell I was ever going to fall in love with her. Maybe I'm actually incapable of falling in love. I never have, not even the kind of silly crush that gets you high headed and incoherent. Not Cecily, not Chloe... Damn, I have a thing for girls with C names, don't I?"
"That's stupid," Kay said, sitting back down. "Of course you'll fall in love. Love doesn't really give you a choice. It didn't give me one. I didn't have a pivotal moment in which I thought hey, I think I'll fall in love with Donnie right now."
"Are you sure what you had with Donnie was love?"
The question felt like a slap. She glanced at Kyle who was watching her carefully, looking... sad. She'd never seen him sad. Pissed, yes, frustrated, only lately, but sad? And it broke her heart.
"Yes, I'm pretty sure that's why I hung around him for six years."
He smiled, but she'd never seen less joy in quirked lips. "Then you're lucky. It must feel amazing. To need someone so much that you can't breathe without them."
Okay, that didn't actually apply to her relationship with Donnie. It sounded more like Joey and Kelly territory. And, to be honest, the suckiest part of love. "Trust me, you're better off not needing someone. Needing is the bad bit in relationships."
Kyle stared beyond her as if he couldn't hear her anymore. "I think that's my problem, actually. I never let myself need anyone, leave myself open, vulnerable. Take the damn chance that I could have my heart ripped out of my chest."
"You want that?" she asked in disbelief.
His eyes focused on her. "Yes. I want to love someone so much that they could destroy me. There's no other way I'd have it."
"Cecily could've destroyed you easily," she mumbled.
"I would've never let Cecily in that far. Because she didn't let me in either. Into her head and her life I mean," he added quickly. "Okay, that clarification was completely uncalled for."
Kay didn't know if to laugh or to cringe so she settled for a weak smile. "Don't worry, you'll find someone who will break you into pieces. We all do."
"There's a catch, you know." He sat next to her again, their knees an inch apart. "I want to find someone who has the power to break me into pieces, but who would do anything not to."
"Now you're talking." Kay leaned her head against his shoulder, trying to fight back tears.
Because she wanted that, too. She wanted to find that one person who she couldn't breathe without. Who couldn't breathe without her. Kyle was right. That was the only love worth having. And she was pretty sure that's not what she had with Donnie. She'd never felt hopelessly attracted to him. And even if the memory of their breakup still hurt, she was breathing without him just fine. At least right now.
Kyle pulled away from her.
"Sorry," she said quickly, wiping her eyes. She should get home and get all pathetic there.
"Oh, it's not that. I'm just filthy. And probably stinky."
Kay let out a giggle and moved closer to him. He was far from stinky. He actually smelled like cologne again. "I don't mind."
"God, why are you setting me up for dirty jokes? I'm trying to be a good friend here." He didn't pull away again when she leaned against him. Instead, he wrapped an arm around her shoulders. "Thank you."
"For what?" She didn't really care. She just wanted to sit there with him forever. Because he got her and protected her and always made her feel better.
"For listening to me and pulling me out of my hole."
"Hey, you've helped me so much, it was my turn."
Kyle hummed and was quiet for a moment. Kay wished she could just fall asleep there with her head on his shoulder. It would be the perfect ending to such a hectic day.
"You know, I think you've officially passed into best friend territory. I couldn't have said all this pathetic crap to Joey. He would've laughed his head off."
"Glad to be of service." Not really, since he'd just best friend zoned her. The idea was so funny because she didn't want a relationship. Not until the one came and swept her off her feet and she couldn't breathe without him. "Since Kelly is so caught up with Joey, I think you're officially my best friend, too."
He squeezed her harder against him, leaned over and kissed her forehead. She looked up at him curiously. The gesture had been so unexpected and so tender. He didn't pull away, just stared back, his eyes full of warmth. And it seemed to spread through Kay's entire body because only then did she realize how much he truly cared about her. She wished she could put that much feeling into her gaze, show him how much he meant to her, how much she appreciated every second he gave her.
The look in his eyes changed as he moved an inch lower. There seemed to be a question there. Kay took the hand he had draped over her shoulder as an answer. No, she didn't want him to let her go. She didn't want him to pull away. She wanted him to do exactly what he was doing and come closer to her. Close enough that the tips of their noses touched.
Her body twisted, pressing firmer into his, encouraging him to tighten his grip, come closer and bridge the gap. A huge part of her wanted to close her eyes because that would be a clear answer to everything, but she couldn't. She was afraid she was imagining all this, and she had to see it to believe it. Her heart thumped unevenly against her rib cage as heat flushed her skin. How could he be so hot?
Blaring regetton music cut through the silence. Kyle and Kay both jumped and he cursed under his breath. He let her go and headed for the source of the music. His phone had fallen under another bench next to the adjoining wall.
Kay drew deep breaths and wrapped her arms around herself to make up for the missing heat of Kyle's body. Her mind spun and she wasn't sure if she should be grateful or annoyed at the interruption. Mortified, yes, she was either way.
The color seemed to drain from his face as he looked at the caller ID. Throwing her a quick apologetic glance, he answered and turned his back to her.
"Yeah."
Kay bounced her knees, trying to process what had just happened. Had it all been in her head or were they seconds away from kissing? Mutually? Ugh, she couldn't think about this right now. He'd just broken up with Cecily, probably, and she was still messed up. She couldn't get into a relationship now, especially with Kyle. If something happened and she lost him as a friend, she'd die. She needed him, feminism be damned.
You need him because he's a friend, not because he's a guy. Yeah, there was that.
"Look, can't it wait another day? I'm sorta I'm the middle of something," Kyle said, seeming annoyed. The answer he got made him go even paler. "Fine, okay, I'm coming. No need to get personal."
"You'd better come, esse," she heard an angry Mexican yell from the other end of the line.
Kyle closed his phone and shoved it in his pocket, a frown on his face. "Look, I have to go. Did you drive here?"
"Yes, but I'm coming with you," she said, standing. Whoever was calling had enough power to worry Kyle and in his mental state, she wasn't letting him out of her sight.
He huffed. "Yeah, right. No way. Just go home and I'll see you in school."
"Where are you going?"
"That's none—Okay, no, I get it that you're worried, but it's all right. I got this. Just, please, go home."
She crossed her arms over her chest. This sounded dodgy as hell. "Not until you tell me where you're going. Then I'll be the judge if I want to go home or come along."
"I'm not telling you and you'll get grounded."
He had a good point, but she also didn't give a crap. "I don't care. I'm not letting you go do something potentially dangerous after today. It's my duty as best friend."
"Your duty as best friend is to also trust me. I mean it, Kay. I'm not taking you with me. Not to this. Not to them. Just go home." The finality in his voice made it clear he wouldn't be changing her mind. And he also seemed to be in a huge hurry.
So she did what any good best friend would do. She said goodbye, wished him luck, drove out of his yard, then waited around the corner to follow him. He exited the ranch five minutes later, on his Ducati, in full motorcycle gear.
Well crap. Her mother's little can could hardly keep up with a speeding motorcycle, but she'd be damned if she didn't try.
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Right, I'm really curious what you think after this chapter, because I'm just about done developing major character traits at this point. Is it believable that Kyle would make such a big deal out of this? And what about Kay? Do you feel like she's changed a lot since the beginning of the story?
Thanks so much for reading! Vote, comment, share, spread the word and add it to your lists because that's the only way other people might give it a try.
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