Max ♕
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I spend the night in and out of consciousness. When I finally wake, I'm wrapped in Alyssa's arms, my face pressed to her chest, and listening to her rapid heart rate.

She's wide awake; I feel it in her quick, faint breaths, like she's afraid to move in case it draws any attention, and I swear, that cuts me more than anything. I still remember the nights she'd attach to me like a Koala bear, desperate to bring me closer, and now she's too damn scared to even breathe.

It's all my fucking fault.

Still, I'm hellbent on making up for it somehow, even if I don't know how yet. Not just to Alyssa but to Kino too. I did the one thing I never wanted to do last night, which was hurt them, and now I need to fix it.

Kino is the easier relationship to fix. As brothers, we fight and makeup in a never-ending cycle, but Alyssa is different. Something tells me I've already lost her - even if I don't want to believe it.

I shift a little, wincing as I glance at the clock. It's nearly six am, but it doesn't feel like it. With Maddie's blackout curtains - no doubt a Hayden requirement - it feels like the middle of the night. Hell, I wish it still were. The later it gets, the quicker this ends, and the quicker I lose her all over again.

Ignoring the pain in my chest, I reach for my phone and touch base with Mom and Khalil before turning to Alyssa. Even though I probably shouldn't - scratch that, I definitely shouldn't - I pull her toward me, gently running my thumb across her back until her shoulders ease slightly, and she falls asleep.

I don't know what will happen from here on out. It's not like I've ever had a stable life plan, but things feel messed up to the point of no return. I broke Alyssa's trust, my actions have landed my brother in the hospital, and my body won't have recovered in time for the fight, which means any chance I'd had of kickstarting my career is over. This is well and truly rock bottom.

The crazy part is that I'm no longer afraid despite my life going to shit. There's no panic or dread, just this strange sense of peace, like now that I'm down here way at the bottom, the only way back out of it is up.

Alyssa's chest rises, then falls just as quickly. Her eyelashes softly flutter on her cheeks, and for once, she looks content; no furrowed lines or tilt of the mouth. No stress. For the first time in a long time, she's entirely at ease in my arms.

I wish I could enjoy it more, but everywhere hurts, from my head down to my feet. The hospital gave me some tablets for the pain, so I reach into my pocket, carefully breaking two from the packet before swallowing them dry.

The movement causes Alyssa to shift. I glance over, relieved to see she's fast asleep, and try to keep as still as possible.

She'd looked exhausted before - more tired than I think I've ever seen her - and it kills me to know it's because of me. If the events of last night taught me anything, it's that I can't keep trying to control everything. Kino's life, this relationship with Alyssa - I was so hellbent on protecting them both that, in the end, I ended up putting them in danger. Never will it happen again.

She buries deeper into my chest. A smile tugs at the corners of my lips when she lets out a snore, followed by this gut-wrenching loss. This could be the last time I ever hold her in my arms, and that thought alone is more than I can stomach. While the shit I've put her through makes me want to spend the rest of my life making it up to her, I already know it's too late. I fucked it up, and even after she's long moved on, I'll spend the rest of my life regretting it.

It's pushing seven-thirty. I should be heading to the hospital to see Kino, but I don't want to move. I want to stay right here, holding Alyssa as if I didn't ruin the best part of my life. As if I haven't lost everything.

Alyssa shifts a little to turn on her side, her golden hair falling in waves across her face, and I gather it in my hands before pushing it back.

I know it's a mistake as soon as I do it. Her eyes flick open, and she blinks a few times like she's still half-asleep. I clench my jaw, cursing myself for waking her, but it's too late.

She shifts to look at me properly, taking in my horror-movie face before brushing her thumb across my cheek. I'm still as anything, watching the way her mouth slopes.

The second her hand drops, her eyes harden. "For a minute, I forgot."

I hold her tighter, aware of the stone in my throat. "Good."

She traces my face, starting at my nose and mouth before dropping to my neck. There are so many things I want to say to her right now, but I don't know where to start, so all I can do is stare back.

"I really hate you," she says, but it comes out so soft and broken that I wonder if she even means it. God, I hope not.

"I know," I say and still don't let go. I'm glad she says it; I need to hear it. I deserve it.

Her eyes are still on me, looking at me like she doesn't know who I am, and I realize I owe her an explanation. Not because it will change anything but because she deserves to know the truth.

"I need to tell you something."

She tenses slightly, and I can tell she's preparing for the worst. I take a slow breath, trailing my hand down her back to keep calm.

"Your parents came to visit me the morning we broke up," I say, and I can't look at her. I'm so wracked with guilt that all I can do is focus on the feel of my palm on her back. "They told me I was a sinking ship, and the only way you'd let go of me is if I let go of you."

She doesn't say anything for a while, but I feel her tense. I want to say more, but breaking the silence feels impossible, so I don't say anything.

"Why?" she asks finally. "Why would you even listen to them?"

"Because they were right." I feel my throat close, and it's hard to keep talking when she's looking at me like this, but she deserves the truth. "The person you saw last night is who I am, Alyssa. It's who I've always been, and I tried to be someone different for a while, but the second things went sideways, I fell straight back into bad habits." I look at her now, watching her fight back the tears. "I didn't leave because your parents told me to. I left because I knew, sooner or later, I'd bring you down."

The tears she's been trying so hard to fight back start to fall. I reach out with my thumb to wipe them away, but she pushes me back. Pain stabs my chest, and I bite on my jaw, refusing to show how much it hurts.

"You could have told me," she says, and it's not just pain in her voice anymore; it's anger. "At least then I would have understood where it came from, but you didn't. You sprung it on me out of nowhere and walked out on me like I meant nothing to you."

"I know." God, what I'd give to take it back. Even if it meant my worst fears coming true and everything imploding in our faces. Anything would be better than this.

"No, you don't know." She tries to wriggle away from my grip, but my hands stay firm around her waist. "You went out of your way to make me feel like I could trust you, and then you bailed on me when I needed you the most. And the worst part is how fucking easy it was for you."

"You think it was easy for me?"

"If it wasn't," she says, her eyes narrowing, "you wouldn't have done it."

I grab her hand as she starts to get up and pull her back into me. "You can hate me all you want," I say, "because I know I deserve it, but don't ever tell me that it was easy."

"I do hate you," she snaps. "I hate you more than I've ever hated anyone." She stops when her voice cracks, and I watch the tears roll down her face.

Watching her sob feels like torture. I pull her back into me, ignoring the resistance I feel against my chest, and rest my forehead on hers. "I'm sorry." She tries to push away, but I keep my arms around her, burying my face in her neck. "I thought I was protecting you."

Her sobs come harder now, filling up the silence in a way that tears me apart. She doesn't move or react to my touch, but I hold her tighter than I've ever held anyone and let her sob into my chest.

When her breathing slows, I move my mouth until it's pressed against her ear, my voice barely audible over her breaths. "I know you hate me, and if you said you never wanted to see me again, I'd listen. But I love you, Alyssa, and I swear on my fucking life, I will never walk away from you again."

She doesn't speak, just shakes her head repeatedly, and I realize this is it; it's over.

I've lost her.

I'm about to pull back and give her some space, but she pulls my face toward her again, pressing her forehead to mine.

"I can't just forgive you," she whispers, and it comes out so pained that I feel it in my gut.

I wrap my hand around the back of her head, threading my fingers through her hair. "I don't expect you to."

She swallows hard, then brushes her nose across mine until she's kissing me the way she used to before I fucked everything up. I feel her fingers bunch in my t-shirt, and she pulls me closer, her lips tasting salty with tears.

Never have I felt so happy and pained all at once. I push away the discomfort, focused on parting her lips with my own and savoring every second. Her tongue brushes mine, angry and warm and familiar all at once.

Home.

My fingers caress her, caught up in the length of her hair before dropping to her waist. Her eyes close, and I watch as something crumples her face, leaving her looking broken.

"I'm sorry, I can't." She pulls back a little, untangling her hands from my t-shirt before sitting back on her knees. When she speaks, she doesn't look at me. "I need some time to think."

Even though it hurts to hear, I get it. I get to my feet while trying to keep the pain from my face, 'cause the last thing I need is her worrying about me. "If you need anything," I start, and she nods.

"I know," she says. "I will."

I turn to the door, making it halfway before stopping. I want to tell her I love her more than anything. I can't imagine another fucking second without her, but piling that on her right now would be selfish.

"Thank you," I say instead. "For everything you did last night." I don't look back at her, it's too hard to stomach, but if I did, I'd see her eyes soften.

"You're welcome, Max."

A/N

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