It was peak afternoon. "Look at the sun! Do you want some ice cream?"

"Yeah," Shreya responded with a little enthusiasm. It was the best response she had given him that day.

"What flavour?"

"Blueberry."

He nodded and walked back to the shops and went to the small Baskin Robbins store. He asked for a blueberry and a chocolate. Just when the man handed her lavender coloured ice cream to Lakshya, Shreya pointed to another colour.

"Can I have this one instead?"

The man looked at Lakshya.

"No chocolate," he said.

Shreya was stunned. "No, it's okay!"

"I'm not particular at all," Lakshya said.

The man smiled to himself seeing the couple. He did not need more confirmation. He scooped up the fluorescent blue ice cream.

As they walked, Shreya still felt troubled. "Sorry."

"This one is really good. Is that good?"

"It's fine." Shreya did not know what flavour she was eating. The cup said Splish-Splash. It was new, but that was all. Her favourite was still blueberry.

Seeing her attention back on the ice cream, Lakshya was relieved he did not have to hide the awkwardness he felt anymore.

∼•∽

The trees did lend them good shade and with the altitude the temperature was not very uncomfortable. Lakshya walked around taking some pictures. Shreya sat at the view point resting her elbows on the table enjoying the breeze and thinking about the daunting downhill trek that awaited her.

It was when Lakshya turned his lens in a certain direction that he caught Shreya squinting her eyes as she faced the breeze. Lakshya switched to video mode without much thought. He recorded her short hair flowing and eyes opening lesser and lesser with every squint.

Was she falling asleep?

As if to answer that, Shreya's face fell out of her palm and she jerked awake. Lakshya pointed his phone in a different direction, but had no intention to hide that he caught her actions. He wanted to make her flustered and uneasy, whatever to create more distance between them.

"Are you that sleepy?" he taunted.

She looked at him with a little frown. "Yeah." She leaned on the table and closed her eyes.

Lakshya was speechless. Technically, this was their first date. How! Just how could she fall asleep!

Lakshya sat before her heavily and knocked on the table. His face was unpleasant.

Shreya looked up with the same frown.

"Let's go. You can sleep all you want once you go back." His voice was strangely stern and this fact registered in Shreya's head.

"We're going to go down now?"

"Yeah!"

She sat up straight and asked, "Are we going down the hill... together?"

Lakshya almost flipped at her. Was she trying to mock his actions from earlier? But her tone did not match that. It made him uneasy. She seemed eager and nothing more.

He did not respond in the end. He did not know how to. He went and bought a couple of water bottles for each of them. Then he found Shreya back at the ice cream shop.

The moment he approached her, she gave him the chocolate ice cream as she smiled sweetly and took half the bottles from him.

"Can we sit until we finish the ice creams?" She nodded at the ice cream and the bottles in her hands.

Lakshya once again did not know how to respond. He took the bottles back and threw them in his daypack. Now they did not have to wait, but he sat by the viewpoint as Shreya watched with uncertainty. He started eating his ice cream silently. He noticed she had the blueberry one this time.

To be honest, he loved the blueberry flavour. He did not know why he never tried different flavours and always stuck to chocolate. He damn well needed that blueberry taste in his mouth again. Before any more temptation, he stopped peering at the other's food. Why the hell was he feeling like he was in kindergarten?

As he glanced around, he found the sun quite low through the canopies. It was half past four. It was about time to go down.

Once done with the ice creams, they started to walk down.

Just like Shreya had feared, the downward journey needed much more balancing. Her tiredness hit her before they were even at the half point.

She reached out to hold Lakshya's arm for support. But the guy's apprehensive look when he caught her hand reaching him in his periphery made her stop.

"What is it?" he asked like a gentleman.

"Nothing." Shreya sighed with dejection and bypassed him to walk in the front instead.

In fact she did not understand where all her negative feelings were coming from. She was already very happy at heart to walk down the hill together. Maybe it was her usual fatigue, which multiplied after the up trek.

She was in these thoughts when she felt her foot take a misstep and consequently a sudden and strong jerk pulling her back.

"Be careful!"

She calmed herself and thanked him, pulling herself away. But he kept his hold on her arm. "Just in case. You don't seem to be good at trekking."

Shreya did not deny it and thanked him again.

When they reached the half point, she had to say, "Let go, I should get my bottle."

Lakshya obliged and watched her walk a few steps into the trees, turn around one and emerge with the bottle he had seen with her when they started.

"You hid it there?"

"Yeah, it was empty and I was... just... so tired." Her words were cautious. Whenever she told her parents she was feeling, they chalked it up to her being lazy, especially her father. It had been quite a while since she had complained like this to anyone after that.

"You're actually good at this, you know!" He smiled as she made her short way back to the trail and carefully held his arm. "Thanks, but, just in case," she explained. He felt his muscle tense up, but let her hold him. It was either that, or him holding her arm.

They smiled at each other, but not without tension and not for too long, so as to not make it awkward and proceeded on their way.

By the time they reached down, it was dusk. Shreya had already left his arm when the trail became smooth nearing the end. They bid each other a simple farewell. Shreya got into the car as the driver opened the door for her and Lakshya put on his helmet and they parted ways.

∼•∽

The next day Shreya was going through her notes. After a good night's sleep, she was in a great mood. She wanted to get some of her own research done.

As she flipped through multiple books, she found a table. It had her preferences for partners. That table was still significant. She could not deny that. She wondered what Lakshya really expected her to be like after marriage. The only factors she subtracted points for were age, health, and expectations. Lakshya was 25. That meant he was not old to warrant even a single point deduction. His health... She was sure he had no problem. She did not have any problems either, but he was much more healthy. The gap was obvious from the previous day. Expectations were the only thing left that she had to be concerned about. She had to deduct 10 points for every demand, be it positive, or negative, because she could never be sure of knowing what might turn negative down the lane.

She sighed. There was nothing to deduct in his case. He had no demands except for her back down from the marriage. Should she count that as a demand in marriage? She can't, right? She smiled at the unchanged high score and how in just a few more days, she would be marrying the man.

All the preparations were complete. Sometime next week, she had her facial and sugaring appointments. She just hated the fact that the parlour lady she usually visited was too packed up to take on a full on bridal work and so, she would be going to someone new this time.

∼•∽

At five in the morning, Shreya switched off her alarm. Finally it was the wedding day. So the night before she was reasonably nervous. Her sleep was extra light and she woke up with the first whispers of her soft alarm.

The new lady did not disappoint her at all. Shreya was so happy looking into the mirror. Beauty was definitely one thing that made women happy.

For all the rituals that had happened, she was more enthusiastic than Lakshya. Others would not have known given how she kept to herself and how Lakshya was more vocal. But between the both of them, it was crystal clear to each other.

"Shreya! Open the door!"

"God, your brother is spoiled." The makeup lady said as she did some final touches.

"Come on, it is just some powder, why can't I come in?" Shreekant had seen Shreya dressed up in a silk saree when she walked into the room. He had taken a leave for a whole week and his sister was just busy with all the rituals. He could at least talk to her a little as she got ready. What was the deal here?

Just as he was about to start another fuss, his phone dinged.

'Congratulate sister for me. Wishing her a happy marriage!' Dhriti's message read.

'What sister? She's my sister.' He sent. Why did his sister suddenly belong to everyone?

On the other side, Dhriti was flushed with a small pout as she thought out loud, "Aren't we friends? Can't I call your sister sister?"

'That's why I am asking you to pass on my wishes.'

'Right. I will.'

Dhriti chuckled. This genius was sometimes clueless. He was a happy go lucky person. But she still could not understand why he'd pick up fights.

Shreekant was about to knock again, when the makeup lady opened the door. Then he saw his sister in full view.

She suddenly had a huge bun behind her head. The exquisite saree and jewellery decorated her. Every feature of her face was accentuated.

"At least you are still recognizable."

"What was that!" The makeup lady was the one to get offended.

Shreya turned to the mirror to check herself when she saw his displeasure.

"I look good."

"But I can't give you a hug and ruin all of this." He gave her a side eye.

Shreya smiled.

Lalitha came to them. She was delighted to see Shreya. "You look so beautiful." She lightly hugged her.

A confused Shreekant also followed his mother and put his hands around Shreya without touching her. This wasn't a proper hug!

Shreya giggled and patted his shoulder.

As the time for the pooja approached, she could not help but bend her left thumb under her palm and touch her engagement ring.

Contrary to Shreya's contentment, Lakshya was glum, but he did not show it. He had not seen Shreya since their trek together. At that time, when they walked together, he felt awkward, but that was all. By the end of that day, he had even come to see her as a friend.

But that night as he stared at the ceiling just before sleep, immense guilt hit him. What was he really going to do after all? He was doing so much wrong towards Moksha. He had to be on that trek with his Moksha. Just like the woman he should be marrying right now, should be her.

Everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves, except him.

When Shreya finally made her way to the altar, he had to take a second glance. Beautiful, he thought. The grand saree which draped her to perfection, the obviously artificial big bun which was larger than her small face, the clean makeup slightly accentuating her features and the bold red lipstick which complimented it, he had to take a third look. This time not just a glimpse but an admiring stare.

Since then, he was a little bit lost. Without much thought in his mind, he acted smoothly in accordance with the flow around him through the day until the end of the Reception.

Throughout the day, not a word was spoken between them on their own accord. Both had a mix of dread and anticipation for what was to come.

∼•∽

Shreya was tired. If it was any other day, with so much activity, she would not have been capable of lifting even a finger and she would be ready to hit the bed. But this was her wedding.

Lata was smiling as she took Shreya to the newlyweds' room.

Once they were in the room, she spread and set the lehenga around Shreya who sat on the bed.

"Come on! How long are you going to be so uptight with me?"

Ever since the reception, Lata's demeanour towards Shreya had changed.

"No... it's just new. That's all," Shreya smiled.

"Are you nervous?"

Shreya took a moment as she blushed. "Very much."

Lata smiled even wider as she winked.

Shreya was at a loss for words and blushed more.

"Well then, enjoy!" Lata put the veil forward and winked one last time before she left.

Shreya squeezed her eyes shut. How was she going to face that woman after this? These people were just not uptight enough!

The door opened and she stilled. Only her eyes looked up. Her husband.

Her husband had just walked in. He closed the door, came close to her and looked into her eyes.

Seconds passed.

He did not lift her veil. He did not speak a word to her. He did not sit by her side. He did not touch her hand.

He did pick up the glass of milk on the night stand beside though. He walked to the bathroom, then to the wash basin and drained the contents.

When he came back to the bed, dread already weighed down his bride. He did not acknowledge it. He put the glass back in his place with a clunk that visibly startled Shreya.

He walked to the other side of the bed and laid.

Shreya wanted to salvage the situation. This was not beyond her expectation, but it still felt like it was at this moment. "You must be tired."

"Even if I was not, I would not have done anything with you."

Shreya gulped.

"Don't go around complaining about this. You are already shameless enough to sleep in my bed."

She no longer held her tears back. She looked around the room but it was not convenient to sleep anywhere but the bed with all the nuptial decorations. All of this ambience seemed to mock her.

She had nothing more to say. She settled in the bed as silent tears flowed into her hair.

Laying right beside her Lakshya tapped on his phone a few times before he put it to his ear. Shreya could see all his action in her periphery. She did not have time to wonder what this phone call was about to be so important on his wedding night.

"Hey."

"Hm, very tired."

"You know me, don't you?"

"Why talk about her?"

"Mm."

"Good night. I love you."

Shreya, being right beside him, could hear the other side. It was a female voice. Another woman. Another woman he was talking to with a longingness. Another woman her husband had in his heart.

"Was that... Moksha?" she asked with an unsteady voice.

"Mind your business." He turned away. As long as they minded their own business, they could keep things civil. He did not want anything more than that with her. His fight for love stalled, sure. But it did not end. He had to think for his future, a future he had once imagined with Moksha.

∼•∽

A few more rituals happened in the next few days and finally, the couple moved in together. It was a brand new flat closer to TIFR than to Lakshya's workplace. The furniture and home appliances had already been shifted in the meantime and in that late afternoon, the place looked warm and cosy. Shreya brought quite a few bags of her own.

One had her clothes and daily necessities. Rest of the three bags, no they were cartons, were full of books. Heavy textbooks, printed reading materials and a lot more notebooks, old and new.

Lakshya had no expression on his face nor was he talking.

"Where should I keep my books?" She asked.

Unless Lakshya needed to respond to her absolutely, he would not. This time she was in luck, and she knew it. Especially since her books would occupy two full cupboards and the guest room had just that much space. That meant she would have to arrange her clothes in the bedroom, which Lakshya seemed to take for his own.

"Why are there so many?"

Shreya had two reasons. One, fill up the space in the guest room. Two, most of these books had her mindless scribbles in them. Her very intimate thoughts, feelings and grievances. Her sadness, her anger and her frustration. She could have sold them together with the old newspapers, but she wanted to keep them. It was her way of validating her woes. They had to be with her. She would then read through them, read through the darker times, to feel better when the need rose.

"I am a researcher... and all of that is my work," she said, tensed up. In them were books dating back to when she was a little girl attending school. But she could say she used all of them to get to where she was. Yeah, those books laid the foundations, she could argue. She calmed herself down. She was not a liar, but she did resort to lying quite often when confronted like this.

"You have that whole room."

"Okay... I will need at least an extra shelf for my books, but I will arrange them carefully... Where should I keep my clothes?"

Lakshya was exhausted with just about everything. "Put them wherever you want to."

Seeing him turn away, Shreya had to make sure, to avoid any confrontation later. "Can I... Can I put mine beside yours? That's the only appropriate place since the guest room will be filled with my books..."

Lakshya stared at her with a tight jaw. He turned around and walked to the balcony.

Shreya sighed relieved. She first moved the cartons one at a time, inch by inch, into the guest room and left them for another day. She slowly stepped into the bedroom and arranged her clothes along with his. She glanced at him every now and then. His back was to her. Not once did he look at her. She did not know if she was so silent at the job or if he deliberately ignored her.

That night she cooked enough rice for the two of them, accompanied by a curry and a dish of dal fry. It had taken her 2 full hours as she tasted the curry over and over again until she made it to perfection.

As she brought out the dishes to the dining table, she remembered the call on their wedding night. She had cried a lot that night. But after that, she was not so sad anymore. Everything was new.

But now, after a few days, those thoughts of dejection came back.

"La," she said before words stuck in her throat. She tried again slowly as her breaths became faster, "Lakshya... I made dinner."

Was it still out of her expectation that he refused to say anything to her just as he had refused to touch her? It was. It was out of her expectation.

But she waited for a few long minutes by the door of the bedroom watching him do his own thing. She did not have the courage to tell him one more time when she saw his soft smile as he called out to his girlfriend picking up an incoming call. Before their wedding night, she did not give his girlfriend much thought. Even if it was a serious relationship, she thought it would end after the marriage. She did not know why she overlooked it. Maybe because she badly needed some novelty in her life, or maybe because she put him on the pedestal the moment she saw his wild style, the way even at that moment, his hair was not tied and reached his shoulders. He looked funky and elegant, smiling away like that. If only, it was not his girlfriend on the other side.

She returned to the dining table. She rarely ever felt she wanted to eat. It was a problem since childhood that her mother was still worried about. When her mood was low, she skipped eating altogether.

The very first dinner in her new home turned out to be exactly like that.

∼•∽

A/N:
I'm so glad to meet you all again! A lot has changed last month! And yes, my VISA was approved, I move countries and now I am working hard on my assignments. One is due tomorrow night and I'm almost done, just got to add some icons. Btw, it is still the 20th here. But I know it's 21st for most of you. I also did not want to change the update schedule. So I will still update on every 21st day as per IST.

HAPPY NEW YEAR! This year will be ours! Wishing that each of you achieve your goals and have a happy and blessed 2024.

This chapter was pre-written and I am so thankful I did it. Only today did I open my writing docs. Life was busy. But I will get back to writing now that I feel settled in.

um.. another thing, I stopped my meds. I plan to get off them completely. Withdrawal is real and very palpable. I should keep an eye on myself, though. It has been 11 days and it's getting better ig... By the next update, I should be completely sober off the SSRI fog.

As always, thank you for reading, and listening to me. See you all next month!