With this ridiculocity I may be skirting a fine line between outrage and apathy. Outrage if you're Australian and consider Waltzing Matilda to be an unofficial Australian anthem. Apathy if you're anybody else and wouldn't know a Waltzing Matilda from a foxtrotting Alice. In either case, bear with me. I'm going to present the case that Waltzing Matilda is a stupid song. Controversial? Read on and see.

The first verse: -

Once a jolly swagman camped by a billabong

Under the shade of a coolabah tree,

And he sang as he watched and waited till his billy boiled:

"You'll come a-waltzing Matilda, with me."

Chorus:-

Waltzing Matilda, waltzing Matilda

You'll come a-waltzing Matilda, with me

And he sang as he watched and waited till his billy boiled:

"You'll come a-waltzing Matilda, with me."

Translations for the non-Aussies out there: -

Swagman - thankfully, not a man who has swag but rather one who carries a swag. Kind of a hobo/bum/tramp/etc.

Swag - the thing a swagman carries. Obviously. OK then, fine - a pre-GoreTex sleeping bag, also used for carrying stuff.

Billabong - sort of a lake, sort of a puddle. Somewhere in between.

Billy - a portable kettle (aka a tin can), used to make tea on a campfire.

Waltzing Matilda - carting your swag all over the countryside.

So basically we have a vagrant trespasser who is in all likelihood violating local fire laws while sitting by a lake, under a tree, singing a song to a kettle. And he calls his luggage Matilda. Strange, possibly a little disturbing but I guess so far so feasible.

Second verse: -

Down came a jumbuck to drink at that billabong.

Up jumped the swagman and grabbed him with glee.

And he sang as he shoved that jumbuck in his tucker bag

"You'll come a-waltzing Matilda, with me."

(Chorus)

Further translations: -

Jumbuck - a sheep (no, we don't use that one anymore. Rack of jumbuck is not a thing in Australian restaurants).

Tucker - food.

Tucker bag - you can probably figure that one out for yourself.

OK, here's where things take a turn for the inane. Now my exposure to sheep is primarily through Shaun and kebabs, but I still feel confident in saying that if I wanted to nick one, I don't think I would do so by putting it into a bag. This is not a good idea. If you don't believe me, find a bag and a sheep and give it a try. Sheep are big, they are heavy and whilst I'm not particularly au fait with sheep psychology I'm guessing most of them don't want to go into bags, be they of the tucker variety or otherwise. Plus it would clearly have to be a big-ass bag. This is stupid.

Third verse: -

Up rode the squatter, mounted on his thoroughbred.

Down came the troopers, one, two, and three

"Where's that jolly jumbuck you've got in your tucker bag?

You'll come a-waltzing Matilda, with me."

(Chorus)

Yet more translations: -

Squatter - a farmer (not a reflection of the lack of toilet facilities in outback Australia).

Troopers - members of the police force.

Clearly none of these troopers topped their forensics class at the trooper academy. "Where's that jolly jumbuck you've got in your tucker bag?" Why Sherlock, I believe, IT'S IN THE BLOODY TUCKER BAG! Having said that, these coppers just about make up for their deficiencies in deductive logic with their frankly startling response time. No sooner has Mr Swagman bagged his dinner than over the horizon comes racing the local jumbuck response squad. Was the sheep wired? Did it have satellite tracking? A jumbuck alarm? Whatever the case I could have done with some of these crack troopers in my neighbourhood when my bike got nicked. Unless it got shoved into a tucker bag in which case they may never have found it.

To be fair, there are some versions of the song that have the line as "Whose is that jumbuck you've got in your tucker bag?" which I guess is a little less of a redundant question, but as they're presumably on the squatter's land, in the company of the squatter who presumably owns the sheep then it still ranks pretty highly in the redundancy stakes. Plus it also leaves open the option for the swaggie to respond with a "It's mine," which could really bog down the investigation, as well as inventing the concept of takeaway.

Fourth verse: -

Up jumped the swagman and sprang into the billabong.

"You'll never take me alive!" said he

And his ghost may be heard as you pass by that billabong:

"Who'll come a-waltzing Matilda, with me?"

Final translations: -

"You'll never take me alive!" - translates to "I am a ridiculously melodramatic drama queen of a swagman."

Now, there's a few things to take issue with in the final verse. Firstly the concept of leaping to your certain death into a billabong. Whilst I can't vouch for the particular billabong our swaggie chose to take a dive into, I have to say that while Australian waterholes generally have the concepts of muddiness, brown-ness and unimpressiveness completely covered, most of them are sadly lacking in the depth department. To drown in most Australian billabongs you would need to lie down. Sometimes you would need to lie down on your face. Even then you might need to wiggle a bit. So as a rapid escape into the welcoming arms of death, leaping into a billabong may not be your best option.

Secondly there's the whole justifiable response thing. Presumably the swaggie opted to top himself because he figured getting busted by the troopers would be worse than death. Really? I'm not terribly familiar with outback justice in colonial Australia, but I would've thought getting nabbed with an incriminating jumbuck in your tucker bag might have warranted a bit of a stern talking to, maybe a bit of jail time or possibly a bit of a fine. Maybe even a lecture on logistics, animal husbandry and the laws of physics. But still, hardly reason for a prolonged and muddy drowning attempt. Maybe it was a political statement? Maybe the swaggie chose to become a martyr to the causes of life, liberty, human dignity and the right to eat a lamb roast? As an Australian this last one is actually fairly believable.

Thirdly there's the apparent inability or unwillingness of the troopers to dive in and save the poor old swaggie. Possibly they thought it would save on paperwork. Or, given their obvious powers of deductive reasoning maybe when he jumped into the billabong it went something like this: -

Trooper one: "Where did he go?"

Trooper two: "Where did who go?"

Trooper one (sighing): "The perpetrator of course. He was here a minute ago and then there was a splash and now he's disappeared."

Trooper two (scratches his head): "Dunno, it's a puzzle. What's a perpetrator?"

Trooper three: "Isn't that a vegetable? Pretty sure my missus served some up last night. Lovely with a rack of jumbuck."

Trooper one (sighing heavily): "No, you're thinking of a potato."

Trooper two (excitedly): "I know where he might have gone! Check inside the tucker bag!"

Squatter (muttering): "And I pay my taxes for this. Where's my bloody gun..."

Trooper three (wistfully): "Mmmm, potatoes."

So there you have it, you heard it here first. Waltzing Matilda is a stupid song. But I'd still vote for it to replace our national anthem. Now there's a stupid song. Hmm, I can feel another ridiculocity coming on...

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A/N - This was originally a standalone story, so if it seems at all familiar, apologies for the duplication.  It just seemed a little lonely on its own and seemed to fit in here (more or less).