When did I become such a mess, when did I become so wimpy?

Friday and Saturday, hadn't left my bed for anything but the bathroom. I had been staring at the ceiling for hours, my stomach was growling, hopefully it would feed on my growing depression. I had been dwelling over Valentino, then over Alicia and then over life in general, I've come to realize that I don't recognize who I am anymore.

My bedroom door flung open and my mother's head appeared. "I'm going to the shop to do some more work on the final dress, you and Etienne are coming with me tomorrow for the final fitting with Gaia."

I groan in response, my eyes still on the sealing.

"There's leftover in the fridge and..." My mother nostroles flapped as she sniffed my room. "...and open up a window, Alessia its starting to smell in here." She sighed and closed the door.

Where had it all gone wrong. I thought. The night of the dance? No, it couldn't, I remember oppressing similar emotionts earlier than that, Valentino and Alicia had just been the tip of my iceberg, come to realize I have been "all lost" for a long time.

I remember;

"Flavio make sure Valentino's new helmet visor is on propably, we don't want it coming off during the race." My father said. Uncle Flavio nodded and helped Valentino remove his helmet.

"Papa, could you check his breaks again, just to be sure." He said, turning to Nonno. He and Nonno shared the same eyes, dark but full of life, just like Etienne's.

Nonno nodded and did what he was told. My father then approached me, I had been rubbing my hands, my palms were sweating, I was nervous and he could tell, he always did.

"I'm nervous Papa." I said.

He knelt down before me and helped me zip up my racesuit.

"Don't be, you always do great." He smiled and patted me on the head.

"Now where is your mother?" He said rising from the ground. He gazed around the motorpark, hands on his hips.

"Do you think she's going to miss my race?" I said anxiously.

"No, I said don't worry, we promised to always be here for you and your mother knows that, she just follows a different clock than the rest of us.". His smile warmed my heart, he always made me feel calm before all of my races.

Valentino and I were practically ready to head on down to the track when my mother finally arrived. She had my Nonna, Valentino's mother and his little brother with her. In her arms she held little Etienne whose eyes sparkle at the sight of me. "Lessy Lessy!" He shouted and tried jumping out of my mother's arms. "No Etienne, Alessia have to go now." She said gripping him tighter.

"Where have you been?" My father said angrily, still he kissed her lips.

"It's my fault" Valentino's mother quickly protested. "The restaurant refused to let me go." Valentino's mother was so beautiful, she was really young and she always wore this welcoming smile.

"Anthoine, stop frowning, you don't want to start wrinkling like me." Nonna said, hitting my father's shoulder. "We're here now, let's get on with it."

"Drive safe out there and don't race each other." Valentino's mother said.

"Mama we have to race each other." Valentino sighed.

"You know what I meant, be careful." She said and kissed him on the cheek. Valentino's cheeks blossomed.

She turned to me, "Alessia, make him work for it." She winked. "Don't tell Valentino, but Luca is rooting for you" She whispered. Valentino's brother shyly looked to the ground.

"Breaks look good." Nonno said and wiped oil of his hands with a dirty rag.

"Good, Flavio?"

"Visor is on" Uncle Flavo said.

"Okey, everything seems to be alright, you guys ready to race?" Everyone looked to me and Valentino. I really loved when everyone came out to watch us race, Nonna hated the noise, still she always made it. Valentino's mother couldn't make it as often since she worked long hour at this fancy restaurant in the city, however Uncle Flavio was always there to help us, just like my father and Nonno. Believe it or not, my mother always made it too, just like he did with me, my father made sure she was never to worry about my safety, therefore she actually used enjoy watching me race.

Valentino and I exchanged looks, "Ready!" We said simultaneously and put on our helmets.

I had won that race, Valentino second. The races when we were all together, were my favourite racing memories. When I started winning more races, more people started to talk, mostly positive things, but the negative things really started to bother my parents. I used to overhear them arguing when they thought we were asleep.

"This can't go on forever, she's getting older and the boys are starting to race more agressivly." My mother said.

"She'll be fine, we'll train more." My father hissed.

"There's no future for her with this, eventually it has to stop, let her focus on something else."

"Listen to your self, Alessia loves racing." he said

"I know."

"Then where are you getting this from!" My father shouted, making me jump where I was hiding on the top of the steps.

"S...some ladies at the salon were...."

"Ah, don't listen to them..." My father grabbed my mothers shoulders. "...Listen to me, Alessia is good, she can handle the pressure."

The arguing still continued, nut I didn't think much of it, I just thought my mother was selfish for not wanting me to race because of other opinions, it was my dad and I against the world.

Days leading up to my accident, my father had baught me a new bike with much higher CC. He brought me to Nonno's for me to try it.

"Your insane if you're putting her on that thing." Nonno said. "She'll hurt herself."

"She'll be fine." He waved. "Alessia can do anything, right sweetie." My father said. I nodded in agrement, but sitting on that bike, it felt like I had a dragon beneth me.

"Now start the engine." My father said excited. Nonno shook his head and backed up.

I started the engine and the dragon roared. My father hollered with joy at the sound of the powerful engine. "No one is going to beat you now." He laughed.

Inside the helmet I was smiling from ear to ear. The bike was heavy and hard to balance, but I manage to do a couple laps out on the field by the house, that was enough to convince my father.

The following day he took me to the track. Nonno had refused to come with us, saying my father had lost it, that I wasn't ready. Nonno made me angry, I was ready, only my father believed in me.

"What a beauty, is she yours?" Uncle Flavio said at the sight of us arriving at the park.

My father shook his head. "She belongs to Alessia.".

Uncle Flavio's Eyebrows rose in surprise, "What CC is she?"

"Like Valentino's" My father said proudly. "I'm afraid he'll be getting some competition soon."

Uncle Flavi turned to me, "Can you ride this Alessia?"

I didn't answer, instead I looked to my father, he nodded. I did the same.

People on the track where just practising, driving round and round. My father helped me roll the bike on to the track, by myself it was too heavy.

"There." He sighed. "Go catch up to Valentino and show him how it's done." He said, pointing to Valentino who was already buzzing around the track.

My palms were sweating again. "Papa can I just practice on my own, I've never driven this bike on the track." I said anxious.

With one swoop he lifted me on to the bike, "Quit worrying and kick start it." he said hastily, ignoring my plea.

Inside the helmet my eyes were darkend by fear, still I swollowed and did as I was told.

I remeber trailing Valentino, I had almost passed him when a sharp left hand turn caught me of gaured. The world spun and my arms and legs sored before my eyes, I remeber hearing screams, possibly my own and this suffacating feeling, the bike had ended up on top of me, crushing my ribcage, then it was light out.

To this day the days at the hospital is still a blurr. I have these memories, one where Nonna is sitting next to my hospital bed, she's holding my hand and tells me I'm going to be just fine, another memory is of my parents arguing and me just laying there, wondering if they'll notice I'm awake. I tend to focus on the memory of Nonna, because by the time I got out of the hospital she was sick, and she was getting worse fast. She died that summer and nothing was ever the same.

The arguing between my parents stopped as I retuned home, instead they just ignored each other completely. One day I had picked up Etienne from school and when we arrived home we found my mother on the kitchen floor, crying. "He's gone" Is all she said. I assumed my father had just gon to live with Nonno, so one day i decided to take the bus all the way to flaxwere to get him back. All I found was a drunk Nonno passed out on his couch, no sign of my father, not his car not his clothes.

I haven't ridden since, the fact that I couldn't ride a stupid motorbike, had driven my own father away, haunts me everyday.

This leaves us to where my life has gone today, Nonno crumbled up alone in his chack, my mother a workaholic who doesn't admit she's still hurt. Etienne who has no father figure and me "All lost" just like Alicia said.

There had been days where I've been feeling like I was dying from the inside out, the same feeling I felt going to school last thursday, just a zombie roaming the halls. I thought it would never get better, but it did, when I met Dario.

Maybe being with Dario had made me feel something again, excitment and love, someone to love? Of course I blew it, I had been so obsessed with everything being absolutly perfect between us, and with a little help from Alicia, I became this insecure artificial person, who didn't know what I wanted anymore. I drove Dario away, just like I've been driving Valentino away. With Valentino it feels more real than it ever did with Dario, it feels like he sees me as I were. he sees me for who I truly am.

******

Outside the sun was gone, I had been in bed all day, staring at the ceiling. Downstairs the TV could be heard, Etinnen had been watching it all day too. Soon my mother would come home and we would have dinner, then I would return to bed, but now with a choice, either stay in bed all day again tommorrow, or get up and do something about my life.