I hate my birthday.

I hate getting older. 

The older I get, the older the people around me get. And the older they get, the closer they get to not being around me anymore. 

I cry a lot on my birthdays. 

Something always happens.

Something bad. 

I also hate the attention.

I think I'd like to cease to exist. Just for the day.

**********

That didn't happen.

Bon's birthday was wild. He spent the entire day with some friends at their house and didn't come back until the next morning. Angus bought him a tie as a joke, and the next day he found it again in a sex shop window wrapped around the neck of a "seductive" cardboard cutout. 

I didn't tell anyone it was my birthday. There was nothing to prove that it was unless you snooped around in my suitcase to find my passport. In which case you might receive a karate chop. 

That is, if I could manage to even get out of bed.

I had to pump another Dramamine and Benadryl into my system to keep the nausea at bay. It worked better than last time and I was able to eat a small helping of salad. My lower back was killing me. Angus asked me repeatedly if I was okay and I always told him I was. Naturally he didn't believe me and offered to make me a cup of tea.

But my stomach churned at the thought. 

I should never have come.

There was a small show at a pub downtown that day. The boys would play that evening and be back in time for a drink or ten. I considered going to this one until Linda invited me over to Cathy's hotel room for a little "girl time".

Yes, we grown women still hold sleepovers. 

I asked Angus for his opinion and he left it all up to me. It wasn't that I didn't want to spend the day with the ladies I just...

Don't know how to interact with them for shit. 

I've always gotten along better with guys for no reason. Besides my best friend, I didn't really talk to many women. 

Well...first time for everything, I guess.

And if my health took a sudden turn for the worse I could always just go back to my own room that was a couple floors away and not a couple streets. Angus wished me luck and said he'd love to join but he wasn't invited. I suggested he put on a dress and come anyway.

"Nah, too ugly for that."

After a lazy morning in bed and a lazy afternoon on the couch, Angus left again for soundcheck and dinner before the show. I gave him one last hug before he left.

And I...didn't want to let him go.

"I'll be back around...." He searched the ceiling for answers. "Seven? Eight in the mornin'?" He laughed when I tickled his shoulder. "Probably around twelve or twelve thirty or somethin'. Lots to do before an' after, ya' know? But we'll have the night to ourselves again, eh?" I hugged him again tightly. 

And he was gone.

What to wear for Girl's Night?

Still in a bit of pain I settled on a comfortable leopard print lingerie nightie I had stuffed in the bottom of my suitcase. I stuck it in the dryer for a few minutes to get the wrinkles out but the hotel dryer didn't do much. Oh well, who cared?

I wore a black kimono robe over it and stepped into my black heels. They were classier than slippers and I could just throw them off whenever I wanted. 

I looked cute but I didn't feel cute. I had a huge zit right on my cheek and a smaller one on my chin. The bags under my eyes weighed a ton and the dark circles could have me rummaging in a rubbish bin. 

I'm not good enough.

At five I pulled myself off my arse and left the room, taking a purse of painkillers and other various things with me. I sprayed on some perfume and made my way to the elevator, hoping no one would see me.

The elevator was full.

I got some weird looks from the people who came piling out of it, one man staring for half a second longer than the others. I kept my head down. I wouldn't let them make me self conscious. 

Cathy's room was two floors down and it took me a hot second to find the correct number. Once there I raised my hand to knock but she opened the door. "Hannah, you made it. Look at you!" She took a step back to look at me. "Drinks are inside, help yourself. I have to get some ice from the machine." She let me in the room and right away I saw a huge crate of beer and two very tall bottles of sparkling liquid. One bottle was already half gone. 

Linda and some woman I'd never seen before were talking and Beth was unhooking a beer from the crate. "Hey, you're here!" Linda said upon seeing me. "Glasses are on the counter, Cathy said not to wait for her." 

"Beer's light," Beth said. "I'm used to the good shit, Cathy went rogue on us."

"She just wasn't sure what to get," the woman said. "Most of her friends like rosé so that's what she got. She didn't know you wanted harder stuff."

"Have the rosé," it's good," Linda said taking a drink from her glass.

"Eh. Later. When I'm too drunk to care," Beth laughed. I stared at the drinks set on the counter. There were several reasons I didn't drink alcohol. But there didn't seem to be anything else and...I didn't want to be rude....maybe I could just have a small glass. I'd sip at it every once in a while, that should suffice, right?

I grabbed a glass and poured a bit of rosé in it from the half empty bottle. It shocked me, a bit like Coke, but a different flavor. Not a bad one, but one I wouldn't pick it over, say, tea. I made my way over to the living room and took an empty chair, hoping I didn't steal Cathy's seat. 

"Hannah, this is Luann," said Linda. "She's Cathy's friend from university, she's from the area."

"Hello," she smiled. She had long blonde hair and a beautiful blue dress. I smiled back and instinctively took a sip. Tasted just the same, a little worse actually. 

"You sure dressed to impress," Linda said taking notice of my outfit. "You and Luann both did, I feel out of place." Linda had worn comfortable jeans with a flowy purple shirt. 

"You look fine," Beth said. Beth had worn a t-shirt and torn jeans with a suede jacket. It suited her short black hair. Everybody had dressed so nicely. "It's not like we're goin' to a club later or a wedding."

"No, but I like to dress up occasionally." Linda smoothed out her shirt. I noticed her nails were manicured. "But tonight I was not feeling on a dress, so...."

"Shit, spilled beer on the carpet," Beth said. She sighed and set her bottle down.

"Maybe Cathy won't notice," Luann suggested. 

Beth used her boot to kick out the stain. "Maybe she won't care since it's not her house." She went back into the kitchen for paper towels. Linda turned to me.

"So, Hannah, I heard you didn't come to the show the other day 'cause you were sick?" I crossed my legs and looked at the floor.

"Yeah," I responded simply. 

"Feeling better?" I nodded despite it not being the complete truth. "That's good. Ang sure missed ya'." I thought my eyes were glued to the carpet. Beth returned with a glass of water and a paper towel. Cathy opened the door right at that second. 

"Don't worry, it's not as bad as it looks," Beth said over her shoulder. "Just an oopsie."

"Trying to get me to pay a fee?" she asked bringing in the bucket of ice. She set it on the counter and got a spoon. "Here, there wasn't much left in the machine." A line formed to get ice in our drinks. Beth passed since she wouldn't be able to fit the ice in the bottle and didn't want to dirty up another glass. I got two pitiful looking ice cubes and brought my drink back to the living room. Cathy had taken the chair I was sitting in so I pretended to look around the room. 

There was a record player with an album by the Shirelles playing. Some cobwebs hung on the ceiling corners and on picture frames. A pile of books sat on a small table and next to that on the floor was an even bigger pile of magazines. I had never seen so many tubes of lipstick in one spot. 

Cathy started laughing loudly and clapping her hands. It startled me and I turned around to hear the joke. "I don't remember that at all," she said wiping her eye.

"I certainly do, you wore that every day for an entire month to see who would notice," Luann said almost spilling her drink. "And the only one who did--the only one who did was that boy in Spanish class who ate pickles with ketchup." 

"Charming," Beth said finishing off her beer. She stood up to grab another one.

"Did your friends say anything, your parents?" Linda asked. 

"I don't know, I don't remember anything about this," Cathy said brushing her hair aside. "But I do remember Luann getting a hickey from a boy in physics." Luann closed her eyes and shuddered. 

"Don't remind me of that vampire," she said taking a large drink. "He couldn't get a date with his own dog, I felt bad for him."

"I knew he was a sleaze," Cathy muttered shaking her head. "God, am I glad I'm not looking anymore. Snagged Phil just in time."

"This isn't fair, all of you got to date band members, I got a vampire in college and an asshole in high school," Luann said. She looked over her shoulder at me. "Hannah, get in on this." I stepped closer to the circle and took a mandatory sip. "Have you ever dated anyone?"

"She's with Angus, isn't she?" Cathy asked. Linda immediately looked over at me and I felt speechless. "Or am I dreaming that?"

"They're...involved," Linda answered. Luann's eyes bugged out.

"What? You too? Damn...everyone's with a rock star but me." She crossed her arms and sighed. Beth came back. 

"You know who you should date?" she asked Luann. There was a great pause as we awaited the reveal. "Ken Eisenhower."

"Who's that?"

"He's in a group out in San Diego called the Donkeys or...the Asses or somethin'. I knew him in high school, he's a real job." Beth smirked to herself as Luann slumped further into her seat. 

"Thanks, Beth," she muttered. Beth finished off her chug and looked at the bottle. 

"Why'd you buy light, Cathy?"

"Because not everyone is a pirate like you are," she said sipping her rosé. "It's all very well for you and Bon but we like our sparkles."

"I like my...'sparkles'...too, when I'm at a fancy restaurant or something, not at a do-it-yourself bar."

"Well then, you'll just have to plan a party at your place and you can buy all the liquor you want," Cathy said. I took another quick sip. Some guest I was, I was a boring zit compared to these foxes! 

I'm not much.

Beth came over to the record player and sifted through the collection. "Speaking of light...." she said pulling out a record and putting it back. "As much as I love these ladies I want somethin' a bit rougher."

"Put on your boyfriends," Luann said. "Rub it in my face."

"No, don't do that," Cathy said swatting Luann. "Besides, if we wanted to hear them, we'd have gone to their show for free and got backstage."

"Put on some Stones," Linda said getting up to refill her glass. "Or Sweet or..."

"Or Rush," Cathy said. 

"Hannah?" Linda asked pouring the rosé. "What do you want?"

What did I want? 

I loved the Beatles and the Easybeats. And ABBA. And of course old Irish folk songs. But somehow I didn't think they'd like to hear that. 

"Wait, I got one," Beth said before I could answer. She slid the new record on while putting the old one away. I didn't recognise who it was at first but later I found out it was a woman named Suzi Quatro. She sounded great. I took another sip. "Let's liven up this funeral."

I started feeling a little sick to my stomach. I wasn't sure if it was my previous illness or if the rosé disagreed with me. Either way I kept away from the group and stuck to myself. Surely they wouldn't care, or even notice. Beth chugged the rest of her beer and slammed the bottle on the counter.

"Careful, Beth, you'll chip it!"

"It's alright, Cathy, these lightweights couldn't snap a twig!" Beth called over the music. She turned the volume up quite a way. I wanted to dance but I also wanted to lie down. Luann must not have felt sick at all as she got up and set her drink down.

"Aw, she's one of my favourites!" She and Cathy started dancing while Beth got on the coffee table. Linda stayed seated but cheered them on. "Come on, Hannah, get over here!" For a second the sick feeling went away. I felt like air. I wanted to dance all night! Move over, ladies, this is my new song! 

I let my guard down for a minute and danced around a little. I finished off my glass of rosé and...it wasn't bad...much better than when I first started. I could have a little more, sure! Making my way over to the counter I grabbed the bottle and poured the rest into my glass. One more, and that would be it for me. I didn't want to dance too much or else I would spill it on Cathy's carpet and she'd had enough of us wrecking her room. But a little movement wouldn't kill me.

My glass was a little full so I sipped a bit, not enough to get pissed. By this time Linda had stood up but she didn't dance as wildly as the other three. Compared to the parties on the telly this was more of a retirement home jam. But still, we were having fun. 

I slowed my dancing as the sick feeling came back. I thought I'd visit the bathroom for a minute for a bit of privacy. I took my drink with me and looked in the broken mirror. 

I looked cute.

No model by any means, but rather cute all the same. My pigtails were a little uneven so I fixed them. I gave myself another spray of perfume and checked my teeth. Laughter spilled under the door and I started giggling myself. 

What was so funny, Hannah? Fuck me if I know.

Taking another sip and feeling refreshed after a splash of cold water on my face, I took my drink and stumbled back out. Beth had taken off her boots. My heels were feeling a little restrictive all of the sudden so I took mine off too, instantly becoming three inches shorter. But oh, did that feel better.

I laughed again. 

It wasn't the rosé, surely not. You'd have to drink several glasses of this to feel tipsy, right?

Right.

Who am I talking to?

Another song came on and Beth cheered. It must have been one of her personal favorites. Called...hmm....38 Trash? Thrash? Oh well. Terrific sound. I took one more teeny sip and danced a little more, that airy feeling returning. 

Now....before I go on with my narrative, I have to admit my memory is a bit fuzzy. There are gaps. And I'll do my best to fill the gaps in but no promises for the whole truth. 

I danced my way to the middle of the room, my drink somehow ending up on the counter though I don't remember putting it there. It was either Cathy or Linda who took my hands and danced with me. Or...maybe I took her hands... Beth had grabbed another beer, looking a little tight herself. But she didn't seem to lose her balance as much as I did. I felt someone catch me a few times when I tripped. 

I remember laughing at a joke someone told, I think it was Luann. I remember taking a sip of Beth's beer to see what it tasted like but I don't remember my answer. Someone kept trying to get my attention and before I knew it I had drank a little more rosé after the second bottle had been opened. Linda I believe had taken my glass because after a couple more gulps I couldn't find it anymore. 

Next thing I knew I was dancing on the coffee table. 

And I remember sitting on a chair feeling a little sick again. 

Someone kept telling me not to overdo it, telling me to stop now before I got really sick. It wasn't until the next morning I realised it was my own thoughts. Suddenly I felt really sleepy. Sleepy, a little nauseous, a small headache, and in a good mood. 

This is where my memory started to come back. 

I must have been sitting on that chair for a while, sobering up. I don't remember when I stopped drinking and I had no clue what time it was. All I knew was I really had to pee and I really wanted to take a nap. After a quick, clumsy trip to the bathroom I stumbled my way to the door. Linda had set her glass down and followed me. "Wait, Hannah, I'll take you back." She grabbed my heels I had forgotten on the floor and opened the door. 

"You're leaving?" Cathy asked eating a huge chicken wing. I have no clue where that came from. 

"I'm taking Hannah back," Linda said. "I want to make sure she gets there okay."

"Say hi to your band member boyfriends for me," Luann called out sifting through the records. Beth was sleeping on the couch. 

"Boy, you really let your hair down tonight, huh?" Linda asked closing the door behind us. 

"I didn't mean to." I tripped over my feet and hiccuped. "I didn't know rosé was that strong."

"It's not much," Linda said guiding me towards the elevator. "I think you're just a lightweight." We stepped inside after an old woman came out. She looked at me and sneered. A young woman my age followed her, looking at us with sympathy. 

My parents would not be happy to hear about this. 

Best I don't tell them. 

I hung onto the bar for dear life, the elevator making me feel sicker than I already was. My throat was dry and my head started to pound. My breath probably reeked. I needed toothpaste STAT. The ride was short and we got off, Linda holding on to me. I stumbled down the hall keeping one hand on the wall. I tried keeping my eyes on one spot in front of me so I wouldn't get too dizzy. By now I wasn't sure if what I was feeling was my vertigo or the alcohol. 

I made a mistake tonight...

It was simultaneously two seconds and two hours before we reached my hotel room. The only way I even knew it was mine was the man standing by the door with a key in one hand and a guitar case in the other. He saw us coming and frowned in concern, then looked me up and down. 

He was kind of cute...

"What happened?" he asked.

"Hannah drank a little bit too much," Linda said putting a lock of hair behind my ear. I leaned against the wall to quell a sudden dizzy spell. "Well, she didn't drink a lot but it was too much for her."

"Tell me about it," Angus said opening the door. "Here, bring her in." I was escorted into the room and thanked God Almighty that the lights were off. Angus turned them on and I practically hissed like a fucking adder. Linda brought me to the couch and I fell on it. 

"Is Malcolm back?"

"Uh...yeah, he should be back by now. He had a few drinks with his friends but he didn't feel like stayin' out too late," Angus said setting his guitar case on the floor. "The others all stayed out but I came back."

"Probably good you did," Linda said making her way to the door. "I wasn't sure if she had her key with her."

Angus looked at me for a minute before saying goodbye to Linda. I watched him as he took out a glass from the cupboard and filled it with water. He brought it over to me. "Drink," he said. I drank. 

My throat didn't feel as dry and my head didn't hurt as much. I locked eyes with Angus and felt a longing I'd never felt before. What a kind man getting me something to drink. I think in that moment I loved him. 

I handed the glass back to him half empty. He took it over to the bed and set it on the nightstand. "So, busy night, huh?"

I hiccuped again.

"I've been there before. Don't worry, it won't last forever." He came back to the couch and stuck his hands in his jean pockets. For a minute we didn't say anything. "Need anythin'?"

I needed a 'condemned' sign for my mouth. "I'd like to--brush my teeth." 

"Alright," Ang said helping me stand. He grabbed my toiletries bag and took me to the bathroom. I stood in front of the mirror and held onto the sink. For a moment I thought I would be sick into it. "Can you manage?" he asked. I only nodded and he left me alone, closing the door behind him. I looked in the mirror that wasn't broken. 

I looked fucking awful. 

My hair was a mess, the light in my eyes was gone, my skin was pale, and the strap of my nightie was falling off my shoulder. 

Angus probably thought I was a joke. 

I took another piss and washed my hands, splashing some cold water on my face. I opened my bag and took out the sacred toothpaste. 

Much fucking better. 

Leaving everything in there I came out and made for the bed. Angus was sitting on it eating a bagel. "Feelin' better?"

I flopped down on the bed in response. Angus laughed a little. 

"I put a painkiller on the little table," he said with his mouth full. He finished his snack and wiped the crumbs from his hands. "If you need another one they're on the counter, alright?" I didn't answer. I turned over in bed and looked up at him through my messed up hair. 

He had the cutest face I had ever seen in my life. His eyes were so pretty and his nose was perfect. Don't even get me started on his lips. 

They needed kissing. 

I sat up and gave him a kiss on his cheek. He smiled and looked at me. "What's that for?"

I shrugged. And I kissed him again. I kissed his cheek a few more times before reaching his lips. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him closer to me. His hands rested on my back gently moving up and down. I felt my heart pick up the pace and I tilted my head a little. There was another little voice in my head telling me to keep going. Suddenly I'm overcome with these strong...feelings...for the man and I reached for his belt, lightly tugging at it. 

He broke away from me. 

"Hannah," he started trying to catch his breath. "I don't know if we ought to." I didn't say anything. He looked back and forth between me and the space between us. The space that was much too big. Angus shrugged. "I jus'...I don't think it's a good idea an' all...after you've been drinkin', ya' know?"

Why was he being so hesitant? Didn't he realise how much I wanted this? 

I...did want this...didn't I?

Kiss him, that'll change his mind. 

I started kissing him again. He didn't seem to object to that, but he didn't let his hands wander. I climbed on top of him, straddling his lap. My plan was to go slow at first and ease him into the idea. Surely he couldn't resist the affection of a woman, right? The thought of having Angus all to myself for the night sounded very appealing at that moment. Feeling adventurous I moved one hand to his cheek and gently cupped it, brushing my thumb over his soft skin. 

In that moment I really loved him. 

He suddenly became the most wonderful man in the world and I needed him. 

Not to mention the most attractive. 

My hand went from his cheek to his neck, from his neck to his shoulder. He was obviously excited by now and made no effort to stop me. I kept going. Slowly and carefully I slid my hand from his shoulder to his chest, a little lower, then back up again. Ang's hands remained where they were. After gently running my hand over his chest a few times to get him comfortable, I tugged at his shirt a little, then started untucking it from his jeans. Waiting a minute for Angus to stop me I let my hand rest on his skin. He was very warm and comforting, He sighed and relaxed a little. Very slowly I pulled his shirt up over his head and dropped it on the floor. 

I wrapped my arms around his neck again and he returned his hands to my hips, holding me still. Both of us were very excited by now and I wondered who would be the first to give in. It didn't matter to me, what mattered was making him a very happy man. One of my hands moved to his hair and tangled itself in it, tugging it a little. Angus leaned back on the bed trying to keep the noise to a minimum. Maybe he didn't think I'd want to take things any further. And though I enjoyed our...ahem...position, my slightly inebriated brain told me to go even further. 

And I stupidly listened. 

I put my hand on his chest again feeling his heartbeat. Only a concert could make it beat faster. Finally Angus let one hand leave my back...to rest on my face brushing my hair away. Not exactly the direction I was picturing but it was a start. 

I had never made love before.

I never had any interest.

But there was no one else I wanted more and since he was right here....

I tried pushing any nerves I had away.

It couldn't be that hard, could it?

I started kissing Ang's neck, hoping he would get the picture and just have me. But...suddenly...I felt a horrible pain shoot through the right side of my body. It was too strong to ignore and I pulled away from him. Angus lay there a second panting. Keeping a hand pressed on my side I crawled off his lap not wanting to make eye contact. "What's wrong?" he asked. He sat up and brushed a strand of hair behind my ear, "Are you hurt?" Without answering I hobbled to the bathroom and closed the door. 

And there it was.

My period. 

Well...that explained my eagerness....

Swearing with every word I knew I grabbed a pad from my toiletries bag. I would need a fresh change of clothes but I didn't want to meet Angus on the way to grab them. Swallowing my shame I opened the door and looked out. He wasn't there and I grabbed my suitcase as quick as I could. He finally saw me at the last second as I closed the door and called out for me. I locked it and opened my suitcase while he knocked on the door. "Hannah? Did I do somethin'?"

Changing as quick as I could and washing up, I left the bathroom. I had taken my nightie and robe off and put on my flannel shirt and trakkies. Thunder boomed in the distance as I crawled into bed. Angus appeared behind me, his shirt still lying on the floor. In an instant he was beside me. "What's wrong, what happened?" He had a frown and his cheeks were flushed and red. I closed my eyes as he brushed a cool hand over my heated skin. All of the sudden I wanted to cry.

So I did. 

Angus climbed into bed beside me and pulled me in for a hug. "Come on, hun, what's wrong?" Without looking at him I told him. "What?" he asked again. 

"I got my period," I mumbled louder. 

"Ooooh, I see," he said leaning his head on mine. "You okay? Do you....need anythin'?" He shrugged. "I dunno how much help I can be for a thing like this but..." I wanted to crawl under a rock but I also wanted to bury my face in Ang's neck and not come out.

So I did.

I felt so humiliated. I got Angus all worked up for nothing and then had to leave him there while I cleaned myself up. The pain flared again and I grabbed the painkiller off the table along with the water. God only knew if it would work. 

"Ya' don't have to be embarrassed, ya' know..." Ang said after a long pause. He ran his hand up and down my arm and I leaned into him, surrendering to his kind touch. "Look at me, I'm the one sportin' a sun dial."

I laughed through my tears and hugged him. He kissed my hair and wiped the tears from my cheeks. 

In that moment I really really loved him. 

He took off his jeans to...relieve some of the pressure and pulled the blanket over both of us. More thunder rolled and I buried myself under the covers, a little scared. Pulling me closer to him Angus let me know there was nothing to be scared of. My tears had dried a little and I drank a little more water. "I'm sorry," I said.

"What for?" Angus asked.

"I'm sorry I....I just thought....I guess I..." I sighed, frustrated. "I thought you would have wanted to is all." Angus just about choked.

"Oh, believe me, sweetheart, I wanted to," he said. "But....ya' know, I didn't want to make you do anythin' you might have regretted, ya' know? I couldn't take advantage like that, ya' know?" I leaned into him feeling safer than I had in months. He coughed a few times and shrugged. "An'...I dunno...I guess I'd rather have given you a more...special first time together?" He laughed. "Instead of a drunken root?" I smiled. The pain in my side had lessened some but my head still hurt a little. I ended up taking another painkiller and a Benadryl for nausea. Once back in bed Angus held me by the waist and kissed my nose. "Maybe we can try again later, eh?"

I blushed. Hard.

That night we spent together, holding each other and relaxing in the other's safety and comfort. Now this was what I wanted. This was the kind of intimacy I craved. Holding hands, shared laughs, and eye contact, not to mention hugs and feather-light kisses. Thunder crashed outside the window again but neither of us really noticed. We were too wrapped up in each other to care. After a while Angus finally spoke up, his voice scratchy. "Is that perfume you're wearin'?" 

"Yeah," I whispered letting my eyes adjust to the now dark room. "It's chocolate scented."

Angus didn't say anything.

He just kissed me. 

And for the first time in years I didn't completely hate my birthday.