I crawled into bed and shoved a group of books aside. My flannel shirt was a bit too warm but I didn't bother to change. My body ached fiercely. Children may be small but they're still so heavy. My skinny arms were no match for growing toddlers. 

I lay there while nursery rhymes paraded around my brain. Every time I closed my eyes I could picture the fights and hear the tantrums. Every sound in the house I thought one of them was trying to get into my bedroom despite knowing they went home hours ago.

I never had that motherly instinct.