Emails I can't send by Sabrina Carpenter

When I'm forty-five, someone calls me their wife and he fucks our lives in one selfish night, don't think I'll find forgiveness as fast as mom did.

We end up moving in only a couple days later. We're right next to campus so it's pretty easy to get there. By the time the next weekend rolls around I feel like I've been friends with these people my whole life, and lived in this house forever.

It's Friday afternoon, school just ended and I'm already panicking about the dance selections tommorow. 

I swim laps in our pool, back and forth. I don't stop when I hear the door open and people walking out. My mind travels back to one time my Mother took Avery and I to a public pool at home.

Avery had decided she wanted to go on a big slide that scared me too much. I waited in the pool whilst my Mother got her camera ready to take a photo of Avery coming down. 

I swam back and forth, feeling like a scared little kid (which in all fairness I was) like I was useless because I couldn't bring myself to do it.

So instead I decided I wanted to swim laps and see how long I could last before I quit. But the truth was I wanted to keep going until Mom and Avery got back so they would be impressed with my skills. 

I kept swimming back and forth until my arms went numb. They still hadn't came back. So I kept swimming. And I refused to stop until they came back. 

I pushed my tiny body so hard that every part of my body ached. I was only 10. But I kept swimming. Kept pushing through that pain.

But when they came back it was half an hour later. Apparently Avery had decided she wanted to ride the slide on repeat because it was so fun. When they got back, we left. They never showed any interest in how long I had swam for, or how much my arms ached. The story of Avery being brave and riding the scary slide was told to all of Mom's friends the next week. What about my story? I had thought. I swam for 30 minutes waiting for you. Thinking you might not even come back in the end. 

Of course 32 minutes isn't that long and 32.8 yards isn't that far, but I was young and it felt like it at the time. Looking back it wasn't intentional, they didn't know how hard I pushed myself but at the time I desperately wanted them to.

My swimming comes to a halt when Maddie cannonballs into the water and cuts off my track. The others climb in carefully.

"How do you all feel then about the selections?" Wyatt asks us. 

"I'm feeling pretty good about it, whatever happens happens." Hayden shrugs. 

"Well if I make one mistake I'll never recover." Rachel says deadpan, staring thoughtfully into the water. Rachel's pretty hard on herself, she doesn't let herself make mistakes because she's a perfectionist. She reminds me of Grayson a little.

"I'm somewhere in the middle of Hayden's overly serene attitude and Rachel's insane overthinking." I say. 

"I think you guys need to chill out. Which is why.. we're going to a frat party!" Maddie suggests. 

We all laugh at her. "Come on.. My boyfriend invited me and I already said I'd come, I'm not going alone." She begs. 

She takes Rachel and I's hands in hers and begs us both. 

"Fine!" We both laugh. "Ok but only because frat boys are leng." Wyatt grins. "You need to start using real words." I laugh at him. 

"I'm sorry- Frat boys are so hot." Wyatt says in a really bad American accent. 

"Hayden.. You in?" Maddie smirks, tapping his shoulder teasingly. He laughs and eventually agrees. 

For the next couple hours we swim around until we decide to get out and get ready. 

As I shower I let my mind go to the selections. The thought alone terrifies me. Not only the pressure of it all, but if I were to actually somehow get the spot that would mean performing in front of a theatre filled with agents and celebrities and thousands of people who know what they're doing.

If I messed up that would be my hopes at a future over. Suddenly the humidity in this shower consumes me and fills my lungs. 

My thoughts race. What if I embarrass myself at the selections in front of every teacher in the school, then I'll never be volunteered for anything like this again? What if I somehow manage to convince them I know what I'm doing and actually get it? What if I get it and end up freezing in front of thousands of people?

What if all this lifelong hard work is for nothing?

My heart pounds against my chest. I feel like I'm going to pass out. I step out of the shower, trembling with each step. 

I wrap a towel around my body and try to calm down.

It's okay Paris.

You're futures ruined.

No it isn't, it's gonna be okay.

You're life isn't worth living.

Shut up!

My mind is flooding with intrusive thoughts. My breathing is really shaky and I can't control it.

I can't control it.

I can't control anything.

I feel tears falling down my cheeks. I can't do this. I've only had a few panic attacks before and every time I've had Jameson and Grayson to help me. 

They aren't here.

Nobody is.

I'm on my own. 

I feel like I'll pass out any second, my vision is blurred and my whole body shakes as I try to bite down on my nails. I hiccup in all the air I can.

This time it isn't passing. I try to make it stop on my own but no matter what I do it won't stop. 

It must've been twenty minutes that panic attack lasted. It just never seemed to stop. When it finally does I slide my back down the door and sob. 

I don't even know what caused it. The only times it's happened has been when I thought my life was at risk. Is it possible this is something that'll keep happening, what if it just happens after any minor inconvenience?

How am I supposed to deal with that if it happens again?

Once I wipe away all my tears and make myself look like nothing happened, I walk out the bathroom and go straight to my room. 

The whole bedroom is just how it was when I got here. I've made no efforts to decorate or anything just how my room was in The Hawthorne House. 

I lock the bedroom door, close the curtains and drop my towel. 

I get dressed into a black bralette and black denim shorts. I still feel insecure wearing such revealing outfits that show off my scar. It feels like everyone's staring at me for all the wrong reasons. 

I dry my hair and straighten away the natural waves. I place some makeup on and some converse. 

When I get downstairs everyone else is ready to go. Maddie is wearing leather pants and a corset top with a blazer. Rachel wears jeans and a cropped t-shirt. 

(a/n. I've been planning this next chapter for a very very very long time now. Be ready. I'm so excited for you to see it.)