I miss you, i'm sorry by Gracie Abrams

I still love you, I promise. Nothing happened in the way I wanted.

At the end of the week Max texted me a huge update, I don't particularly care but I do appreciate the gesture. I don't reply and always mark it as unopened so she doesn't realise I'm looking.

Max: Hey Pear Bear, it's Maximilian here with your unwanted week update. Libby and Nash went to the coordinates in Costa Rica. Nash's Dad is caretaker there, he gave them this vial with powder that helped us realise the note from Colorado was from Tobias, it said Toby didn't die on Hawthorne Island. They found a a safe deposit box that had papers showing Tobias' searches for Toby over the years. Avery realised the locations Tobias was looking for Toby in match the postcards your Mother received over the years. She looked into it and realised there are lots of love notes between Toby and your Mom. Turns out your Mom is Kaylie's sister? Ave tried to reach out to your family but they weren't having it at all. But now we've discovered Toby soaked the house in petrol on the night, but he wasn't the one to set the fire. Lightning struck at the worse possible time and boom. Toby was obviously injured from the fire and since the Rooney's lived near the Island, your Mom helped him get better and they fell in love. We're guessing that was around the time Avery was conceived. Avery and Grayson are on the island right now, getting ready to head home after they called us and told us everything. I think we've finally got it figured out. I know you're petty and don't like being wrong but nobody would say 'I told you so' if you came back. In other news, Jameson definitely misses you, he seems miserable without you. We all feel it, you were the glue that kept everything together, without you we're struggling with things that should be easy and everything seems so dull without you making sarcastic jokes every thirty seconds. Love you lots. xx

I take a deep breath after reading all of that. Well I'm glad they're solving so much without me. That was sent 7 hours ago, now the five of us are drinking our first beers of the night.

"What's that?" Tiger asks appearing by my shoulder. "Just Avery's desperate friend." I lie. Sure I called her desperate which is a lie but the bigger lie is saying she's Avery's friend. She always started as Avery's friend but I think I can now say she's mine. Or I could have said that anyway until I left. 

I start thinking about them. Even if I were to get over my own pride and just go back -which I don't want to anyway- would they still even welcome me. I think they all probably despise me already except Libby and Max who are probably coming close to hating me anyway. Christ, I'm only one drink in and I'm already getting to all the deep shit.

Tiger's phone makes me jump out of my own mind. "Hello?" She asks confused when she answers it, she listens and steps out of the room.

"What was that all about?" Yoda asks once she steps back in. "Just my Grandma, trying to call her doctor but hit the wrong number." Tiger laughs. 

An hour or so goes by, I feel my phone buzz a lot more than normal so I power it off and try to get back to drinking. It seems at one point everyone else's phones start to go off too one by one they step outside to take their calls. 

I start to realise these calls may be linked. "Guys who is calling you?" I ask, now on my sixth beer and I'm starting to feel a little drunk. It's about 7pm and I'm getting frustrated.

"Nobody." Tiger insists. "See when you say 'nobody' like that it kind of makes me think it is somebody." I reply. 

"Nobody." Triceratops reinstates. They all look around themselves suspiciously. 

"Please just tell me." I beg. T-Rex sighs, "It's just that Grayson kid." He explains, Tiger swats his arm. 

My thoughts spin.

 Is Gray doing drugs?

 Is he buying from them? 

Why else would he be calling?

"I need to call him." I announce, turning my phone back on. "No you don't Cash." Yoda decides. 

"If he's buying drugs I need to talk to him." I explain. 

"He's not doing drugs, Cash. He was just callin to say your sister was fuckin' dead or somethin." Triceratops laughs. 

"What?" I ask confused, starting to look through my phone. I read all my most recent texts, from literally everyone trying to contact me. 

Grayson: Paris, please answer my calls this is important.

And the most recent one,

Grayson: We're in Green Hill Hospital, I can't keep calling you I need to talk to the doctors. Please just look at your phone and get here.

"What the fuck is wrong with you? You all knew and you never told me?" I shout. "Thought you hated her?" Tiger smirks. "I- I do. But I need to know if she's in hospital dying!" I yell. 

"So you're choosing that bitch over your family?" Tiger scoffs. 

"She is my family, and none of you are even friends never mind family. So kindly, all of you, go fuck yourselves." I yell as I run out Tiger's house. 

And so I start running, as fast as I can. Down the empty roads, passed rural buildings until I get out of that part of town until all the houses become huge and expensive.

I run until the sun no longer burns my eyes because it has fully set. 

I run through the woods, along the beach and down the street.

I must've been running for an hour before the adrenaline runs out and I have to stop for a minute. I lean against a lamppost for a second catching my breath. I don't gain my breath again before I start running, knowing if I stop for long enough I won't start again. 

So i run for another ten or so minutes until i can see the bright lights of the hospital.

I run the whole way down the empty road. I give one last push and bolt until I reach the front door. I go up to the front desk. 

"Is Avery Grambs here?" I ask, breathing heavily. "I'm sorry, I've been under strict warning to allow nobody past this point." She warns. 

"What if I was a patient? Would you not help me?" I ask. "If that were the case then yes or if you were to be visiting anyone else, however you're not allowed in the west wing." She explains.

"Oh, well I'm here to see my Grandma in the east wing. I just heard the rumour Avery Grambs was here and I had to know. Well have a good day then." I smile, quickly walking to the elevator.

I follow signs until I find the west wing, about 5 security guards block the entrance. 

I jog over and try to walk passed. One new guy that i don't recognise places a hand on my chest, "Where do you think you're going?" He asks with a deep voice.

"Avery is in there, I'm her sister." I explain calmly. "Oh, i have heard all about you." He laughs. "You're not getting in there." He warns.

"I need to speak to Oren." I order. "Very well, that won't change my answer." He shrugs, then he uses his walkie talkie to call for someone. 

Not much later, Oren appears at the doors and comes through. 

"Oren, they won't let me in. I have to see her." I beg. He looks at his men. "You heard her, that's her sister." Oren tells them. 

"Sorry Oren, procedure says she is one of the number one threats and could very well be responsible for this." The guy shrugs. 

"He's kidding right?" I almost laugh with anger. "Look Paris, I'm gonna see what I can do. For now whilst I do, Grayson is in that room over there. He can explain everything to you. Even if you were allowed in here you wouldn't be able to see her anyway, she's currently in surgery." He tells me.

"Wait, Oren. Can you tell me what happened?" I beg with a soft voice. He sighs, "Nobodies told you?" I shake my head no, "Someone tried to kill her, there was a bomb on the plane and it exploded as we were getting out." He explains hating to be the one to tell me this.

"Is she gonna be okay?" I ask feeling tears forming, "They think so, she's in surgery right now." He nods with a comforting shoulder rub. "Why's Grayson in there?" I ask. "He was there too- Don't worry he was standing further away so he's alright." Oren explains.

I make my way into the random hospital room nearby and find Grayson. He faces the window shirtless. 

The only light in the room comes from the moon outside. He is looking down at something in his hands that I can't see, his head tilts up when he hears the door creak, in the reflection of the window he must see me.

"Paris?" He asks quietly, almost sadly. "You okay?" I ask, telling immediately that something is wrong. His hand reaches up to his eye and makes a quick movement, If I didn't know Grayson as well as I do i might've thought he was wiping a tear. 

"Yeah." His voice cracks. Maybe it was a tear he wiped.

"I heard you were there, are you hurt?" I ask. He shakes his head, I can tell he's trying not to speak so that I will leave. 

"Gray.. You can talk to me. What happened?" I ask sadly. He looks back at his hands doing whatever he was doing before. He tries to keep himself together.

"I saw her Paris." He sobs. Giving up on whatever he was doing before and dropping it on the table. I see now it is a bandage. 

He turns around to face me. Smoke and ash blackens his entire body, a few deep cuts can be seen dripping down his face. A small burn lines his wrist, it looks red and shiny, it seems to have a couple heat blisters already. I'm guessing it's a second degree burn upon first glance. Despite all of this, the most alarming sight is not any of the injuries, it is the tears that fall down the boys face. 

I don't even know how to react initially. "I saw Emily." He starts uncontrollably sobbing, his arms wrapping around his body to hold himself.

"I saw her after the explosion. And I did nothing. I let your sister die the same way I let Emily did." He cries. 

"Avery's not dead. And even if she was it wouldn't be your fault, just how Emily's death wasn't your fault." I tell him. Moving closer to him, I take his arm away from his body so he's no longer holding himself.

I pull him into a well needed hug. Caressing his back gently as he sobs. "Shhhh, it's okay." I comfort. Now I'm crying as well as I stroke his hair and squeeze his shoulders every time he cries out. 

I think he probably cried for about ten minutes straight before he calmed down a little. He sat down on the bed with his hands in his hair. 

"I'm sorry. You shouldn't have had to see that." He apologises. "Don't apologise. You've seen me in much worse states." I try to make him feel better.

"I need to shower." He tells me. "Not with that wrist. If you even splash hot water on that thing you'll feel it for the next month." I tell him.

"I'll be fine." He tells me, his voice hoarse. 

I walk towards the assistance button that patients use when they need something and I hit it. "I don't need a doctor." He tells me. 

"We'll just see what they think. If they say you're fine then I'll leave you alone." I shrug. 

Minutes later the nurse enters, my jaw drops when I realise who the nurse is. Nurse Aaliyah Mohammed. The nurse who tended to me throughout my hospital experience. 

"Oh Lord, what have you done this time girl." She scolds when she notices me in the room. "Aaliyah, Good to see you." I smile genuinely. 

"You buzzed." She recalls. "Correct. This is Grayson." I introduce, "I remember, how could I forget the patient that kissed two brothers in one day." She reminisces, Grayson nods with a small smirk.

"Well, Grayson was with my sister when the plane blew up and he's got this nasty burn on his arm. He says it's fine but I think it's pretty bad." I explain. 

"Well then Grayson, show me this burn." She tuts as she inspects his wrist. 

"Now you're sure this doesn't hurt one bit?" She asks sceptically. "Nope." He replies tiredly. 

"If I find out you're lying boy.." she warns. "There's a way to test how bad a burn is." She tells him. Without warning she grabs his wrist and pinches right where the burn is. 

He hisses in pain and winces as she does so. "You're just as stubborn as she is." Aaliyah scoffs. 

"It looks like a second degree burn. Can I get you to walk to the bathroom and place your arm under cold water for ten minutes?" She orders.

Grayson saunters through and we hear the tap turn on. 

"So how've you been Paris?" Aaliyah asks, "Fantastic." I reply blankly. "You been at a fancy dress party or something?" She asks, gesturing to my new style and makeup. "Yeah." I reply, not wanting to get into the talk about joining a gang. 

"Lemme see your stomach, I bet it's left a pretty cool scar?" She asks. I lift my shirt and show her the scar that goes across my stomach. "Badass huh?" I laugh, "Badass." She nods.

"So is he your boyfriend?" She asks curiously. I shake my head, "The brother?" She asks. I shake my head again. "You single?" She asks. I nod. 

"The chemistry between you and that kid is clear. Just get him alone, when neither of you are in the hospital preferably, then you kiss him and tell him how you feel." She advices. 

"How do you suppose I feel anything towards him?" I ask. 

"The way you look at him. You're in love." She tells me.

"Nah, he's just a friend." I explain. "It's always 'just a friend' until you wake up in his bed." She snickers. I choke loudly on the air and turn red.

Grayson comes back inside confused. "It's been ten minutes." He alerts. He comes back towards us and sits on the bed again. 

"Okay, I'm gonna disinfect that, put some special burn ointment on, then get it wrapped up." She explains. 

She applies a disinfectant, warning him before that it will sting. When she applies it, he doesn't show any signs of it stinging him. 

Then she applies the ointment designed for burns. Then she tightly wraps it with a large bandage. She then gives him painkillers and small bandaids. 

"Okay Paris, you can help him wash his face and put bandaids on." She orders, winking subtly in my direction as if she's doing me a favour. 

"I hope God never punishes me again by letting you or someone you know get hurt again and brings you back here. But if I get the pleasure of never seeing you again, good luck kid." Aaliyah nods in my direction. 

"Stay hydrated." She shouts to Grayson as she leaves the room. 

We sit quietly for a moment, "How you feeling?" I ask. "Fine." He nods.

I lead Grayson to the bathroom and sit him on the edge of the bathtub. He crosses his arms across his body holding himself, staring at a point on the floor in his own thoughts.

I do all the work by wetting a clothe and carefully cleaning his cheeks. He doesn't even react as I do it. Today I've seen a more vulnerable side to Grayson than I ever have.

"Why did you leave?" He asks, his voice croaky and bellow a whisper. "What?" I ask confused. His gaze doesn't break away from that spot on the floor, it must be a really interesting spot. 

"You left for a week without warning then you ignored everyone. And even when I called your friends about your own sister being on her death bed they said you weren't interested and never wanted to hear from any of us again. And when you actually show up it's 6 hours after I first called you- which was the second it happened because I thought you would care most." He speaks quietly yet still precise as always. 

"They said that? They never told me what was happening, I didn't know until an hour ago. And I'm sorry I left. I- I don't know-" I start trying to justify.

"How did you get here in an hour? Who gave you a ride?" He asks quickly. 

"I ran." I answer, dabbing his right cheek with the cloth. "You ran?" He smirks, finally looking up to meet my eyes. I try to hold back a laugh but instead I just burst out laughing and he does too. 

With a smile I place a couple plasters over his cuts. "Just be careful they aren't cut in half by those cheekbones." I warn.

"What?" He laughs. "Your perfect cheekbones are lethal weapons." I giggle, my thumb tracing over his cheekbones. "And your jawline. That could kill a whole army." I add.

He smiles up at me, a sort of sentimental smile. "What?" I ask, stopping laughing. "Your smile. It could make anyone happy just looking at it. And your laugh is just so contagious. In pitch black darkness, your laugh is enough light for the whole world." 

I sit on the edge of the bath beside him with a smile, "that's a little dramatic." I laugh. He smiles, just watching me laugh. I find my eyes flicking down to his shirtless body, even sitting down on the edge of a bathtub after being almost blown up he still looks perfect. Not the time Paris.

We eventually decide he could probably have a cold shower without hurt so I place saran wrap on his arm so it doesn't get his new bandage wet. He gets inside and from outside the bathroom door I can hear him gasp at the cold. 

Grayson peaks his head out the door about five minutes later. "Everything okay?" I ask at his concerned face. "I don't have clothes." He explains.

I get the pile of his suit and realise not only is it covered in smoke but half of it is torn and ripped apart.

"Would anyone have any spare clothes?" I ask, "Jamie's the only one who drove in his own car but I don't think he'd have spare clothes in his car." Grayson explains. 

"Well I can check anyway. If not I'll just get something from lost and found." I tell him, leaving the room. 

I remember now when I'm out that I can't get inside the west wing where Jameson is. I remove my phone from my back pocket and open my texts with Jameson. 

Literally hundreds of messages date back to last week when I left. 

Me: Hey Jameson, I need your help outside west wing. Please hurry.

And then I wait, giving death stares to the guard who refused to let me in earlier. 

I start pacing impatiently until i hear the door open. I turn around and jog back down the corridor towards him. "Hey." I say. 

"Hey? A week of silence and you show up just to say hey?" Jameson asks angrily. "I'm sorry, would you have preferred hello?" I talk down on him as if he's a baby. 

"What is it that is so important then?" He asks. "Do you have spare clothes in your car?" I ask. "Why? You want to change out of that terrible outfit?" He smirks. 

"No, your brother is naked and alone waiting for me to get him something to wear that isn't torn in half and burned." I smile brightly. 

He sighs and rolls his eyes, brushing past me to make his way to his car. I walk closely behind him and he doesn't need to turn around to know I'm following. 

"So are you here to stay?" He asks eventually once we get outside and start approaching where his car is parked. "I don't know." I reply honestly. 

He frowns slightly but doesn't think I can see. "I'm sorry." I say. "It's not me you should apologise to." He opens his back seat and starts digging through mess. 

"I know, but I can't exactly apologise to her now can I?" I bite my cheek, thinking about the condition my sister is in right now. I grimace at the thought of her: burns across her face, dried blood on her body, the terrible beeping noise of the heart rate monitors. 

I blink quickly to make sure the small tears lining my eyes quickly disappear. "She's gonna be okay." Jameson wipes away a stray tear that escaped my eyes with his thumb.

"What if she isn't." I ask, my voice quivering slightly. "I know I said some awful things to her and we've never had the best relationship but she's still my sister and I still love her." I cry. 

"She knows that." He assures me, pulling me in for a hug. Then we hear the clicks of cameras. Paparazzi. 

I pull away from Jameson and turn to face the hospital so they can't see my face. "It's fine, just ignore them." He tells me as he picks up the spare clothes he's found and locks his car again. 

"God.. no it isn't, it's so invasive." I groan. "Mhm.. they have no concept of privacy. But we just have to ignore them or they'll get the outburst they want. Then they'll turn you into the bad guy." He explains. 

"Pretty sure I'm already the bad guy." I laugh. "They love to make people hate you." He tells me. 

We start to walk back inside but have to halt when paparazzi run directly in front of us, we try to go around but they have us trapped. 

I squeeze my eyes shut in annoyance. 

"Is Avery dead?" One reporter asks. "Are you still mad at her?" Another asks. "Are you responsible for this?" One asks. 

Jameson notices how much it's stressing me out and he pulls me into his chest, blocking all the flashes and muffling the sound. 

"Okay come on, have a little sympathy." He yells, pushing us past them. "Is anyone else hurt?" Someone asks anyone. 

We finally get past everyone and we jog the rest of the way into the hospital until we are safe in the elevator. 

"You okay?" He asks worriedly, "Yeah." I nod tiredly. I squeeze my eyes shut again. "I think I'm gonna throw up." I wince. 

We run until we reach a nearby bathroom stall, he follows me in as I fall to my knees by the toilets. I get there just in time when I start throwing up my insides, Jameson grabs my hair and pulls it back from my face. 

Once I have successfully emptied my stomach I fall back down onto the floor, leaning my back against the stall. I wipe off some vomit from my mouth and reach into my pocket. 

I remove my lighter and a cigarette. I stand up and head to the large window, I lean over the window as I light my cigarette. 

"Seriously?" He asks. "What?" I ask. "You just through up- probably because of alcohol, and a second later you're smoking?" He asks astounded. 

"You want one?" I offer, "No, and you shouldn't be having one anyway. You're still a kid, you're body is still developing." He tells me.

"I'm not a kid." I blurt firmly. 

"You seem to be forgetting that you are a kid, Paris. You're sixteen, you shouldn't be drinking or doing drugs or having sex. I know you've been through some shit but none of this is the answer." 

I sigh as I blow out the hot smoke. "I'm not having sex. And even if I was it's none of your business." I spit.

"Well then you shouldn't be allowing people to take shots out your body crevices." He corrects himself. 

"I hate that word." I grimace. "Just look at the bigger picture ok?" He begs. 

"Yeah whatever. Let's go give your brother his clothes." I avoid eye contact as I stub out my cigarette. 

So we leave the bathroom and return to Grayson, Jameson knocks on the door to give him the clothes and I look away just in case I see anything I don't want to. Jameson and I go outside into the hallway by the doors to the west wing and wait.

Grayson returns to the corridor wearing sweatpants and a sweater. I immediately recognise these clothes having worn them when Jameson and I were together. It seems weird seeing Grayson in anything other than a suit.

"Want to head in?" Jameson looks at me, you two go ahead, I'm not allowed. Oren's working on it." I answer. "What do you mean you're not allowed?" Grayson asks sceptically. 

"I mean Mr Someone-shat-on-my-pillow over here thinks he's the main character by saying I'm predator number one." I joke, gesturing to the security guard who very clearly can hear me.

"You're not on the list?" Jameson asks confused. "She's on one of the lists." The stubborn security guards scoffs under his breathe.

"What list?" I ask confused. "There's a list of those who are allowed passed these doors. And a list of those who definitely should not." The guard explains judgingly.

"Bitch, who the fuck even hired you." I exclaim. "She's on the no no list?" Grayson smirks. 

"The fucks the 'no no' list?" I almost laugh at him. "It's what the old man used to call it to us when we were to young to get it." Jameson explains with a smirk. 

"So I'm on the no no list? Want me to go sit in the corner too?" I stick my tongue out at the guard, this makes Jameson laugh.

"We can wait with you." Grayson offers. "It's fine, go ahead." I tell them. 

Once they've left I slide my back down the wall until I am sitting on the floor. I remove my phone from my pocket. 

I check the comments for the first time in a while. People still body shame me a little, still get creeps saying they want to kill me, still get slut shamed but now I get additional comments on how I'm dressing like a prostitute and people saying they're worried about the Hawthornes and Avery because 'new me' looks like i want to kill people. 

I check more recent news and things have already spread about Avery's accident. Photos of Jameson and I outside are published. People are already speculating:

'Trying to kill your sister is a new level of insane, even for this girl.' 

'Look how quickly she's switching up.'

'She's changing quicker than the amount of food in her cupboards.'

'God, my life is so hard. I hated my sister and publicly shamed her and now that she's in hospital I'm acting sad so I can get attention.' 

'Trying to make a move on Hawthorne's must be hardwired into her because this girls sister is literally inside that hospital dying and she's out here making moves.'

'Should've been her on that plane standing a little closer. I'd pay money to watch her explode.'

'Oh Jameson, my sister is dying and you are emotionally vulnerable. Please put your dick up my ass right next to my own head.'

Some of them do actually make me laugh, I have to admit that some of these people are creative with how they insult me.

I look up from my phone when I hear the door swing open. "You can come in now, Paris." Oren tells me. I take a shaky breath and stand up. 

He leads me through the doors and along a couple corridors until I can see everyone in the waiting room. They clearly haven't noticed me yet.

I hesitate. What if they don't want me to come back? What if they blame me? What if  Avery is-

My own thoughts are cut off by Xander, "Paris?" He asks confused. Everyone's heads whip around towards me and I slowly walk towards them. 

My worries get the better of me and I struggle to know what to say, fortunately for me Libby's tight hug interrupts me before I can speak up.

"Are you okay?" She sighs, I furrow my brows. "Why wouldn't I be?" I ask. She looks at me as if its obvious, "You went off the grid for eight days, nobody heard from you or saw you." She expands. 

"I was staying with a friend." I reply simply. "Well are you back for good?" Libby asks. "I- Well.. Maybe?" I shrug. "What do you mean 'maybe' Pear?" She frowns. 

"I'll just play it by year okay?" I finalise. "Pear, I'm supposed to be your legal guardian. Which means I am legally supposed to guard you."

"It's good to see you again Pear Bear." Max pushes her way towards me and hugs me, playfully placing a kiss on my forehead.

Xander jokingly pushes Max out the way and hugs me tightly, he lifts me up off the ground and I laugh slightly. Once I am placed back on the ground, Nash ruffles my hair.

We all turn our heads towards a clicking noise following us and are met with Alisa. "Paris, nice of you to return. I have some important matters to discuss with you." She tells me.

"Go ahead." I gesture for her to speak. 

"First of all, we have been trying to reach you all week regarding your security. With the recent images of you published by the person stalking you-" 

"Stalking me? I thought we moved passed that. Yeah the person threatened my life and everything but I'm yet to see any attempts to actually kill me. And I know by saying that I've probably jinxed it. But is it really such a problem some old dude is hiding in bushes and taking photos of me going into stores?" I ask.

"First it's just photos of you going into stores from the bushes, next it'll be you changing through your window. We've dealt with enough stalkings to know this is only the start." Alisa warns.

"Okay do what you want. Was there anything else?" I sigh. 

"Yes. Your public image is at its worst at the moment. You're going to need to change this 'gangster' persona and become a little more likeable." She tells me.

"I'm in my reputation era, it'll pass." I shrug.

"I have no clue what that is however it better pass." 

(a/n. There's a bit of something in this for the Grayson fans and Jameson fans. I think a lot of people will be thankful she's out of the gang now... or is she? She is. But that doesn't mean it's the end of this era for her.. anyway hope you enjoyed, stayed up to 6am tonight editing it because I hadn't uploaded a chapter this week yet at like 4 so i had to spend so much time fixing everything and adding stuff. Enjoy.)