Family Line by Conan Gray

I watch the Father's with their little girls and wonder what I did to deserve this? How could you hurt a little kid? I can't forget, I can't forgive you, cause now I'm scared that everyone i love will leave me

I'm on the corner of the sofa, between Xander's legs as he comfortingly holds me close to him. I'm a little shaken up after my life being threatened but once it happens this many times it sort of loses the affect. That's what I keep telling myself anyway.

Alisa and Oren and all the guards are discussing, Libby and Nash are whispering, and everyone else are gathered around the sofa. 

"So does that mean it is a stalker?" Avery asks worriedly. I stare blankly onwards in my own thoughts. "It could just be someone who thought it would be funny to tease Paris even after everything she's been through." Max suggests sadly. "It could always be Skye or Ricky." Jameson puts on the table. 

"Dad wouldn't do something like this." I assure. Avery sighs and kneels down next to Xander and I on the sofa. She places her hand on my shoulder.

"You need to stop defending him Pear, he'll only let you down more. I know it's hard for you because you want to believe he loves you but he never has. He's a sick man who had no desire to be a part of our lives until we got money." She says calmly.

I break away from the comfortable hold of Xander and stand, "He's not as terrible as you like to think. He wants to change." I tell her.

I've always hoped since I was young that he would come back and be the Father I always needed, he never did. But I've held onto that hope every day and I genuinely believe he wants to be a part of our lives. 

"You're starting to sound like Libby. Even she's came around to the fact he's a terrible person." Avery stands now too, raising her voice slightly. 

"He reached out to me, Avery. Not you. If he wanted your money he would've gone to you. But he came to me because he wanted his family back." I argue.

"No, Paris. He went to you because you are the only one who is stupid enough to fall for his pleas for money. And you did. You gave him the money you worked hard to make and he spent it all on drugs. So don't defend him. To want a family back you had to have one in the first place." Avery spits. 

I bite back my lip to hold the tears that are forming but when I feel one fall I know there is no holding back the river I'm about to cry. 

I look down immediately and quickly walk towards the staircase, gently brushing passed Grayson on the way. I make it to the stairs and hurry up them as fast as I can without tripping. 

I go into the bathroom connected to the girls room. Making sure to lock the door I sit on the floor with my head in my hands.

Grayson. 

Avery stands now too, "You're starting to sound like Libby. Even she's came around to the fact he's a terrible person." 

"He reached out to me, Avery. Not you. If he wanted your money he would've gone to you. But he came to me because he wanted his family back." Paris argues.

I know how much that hurt Paris. Her Father taking money from her, for her to still defend him brings me pain to think about.

"No, Paris. He went to you because you are the only one who is stupid enough to fall for his pleas for money. And you did. You gave him the money you worked hard to make and he spent it all on drugs. So don't defend him. To want a family back you had to have one in the first place." Avery yells at her.

I see a glaze of shiny tears form in Paris' beautiful blue eyes. She blinks quickly, hoping to get rid of these, she bites down on her bottom lip.

She lowers her head and I catch a glimpse of the tear fall. She starts walking away in my direction and I manage to notice more tears rolling down her pale cheeks.

She brushes gently passed my shoulder on her way up the staircase. 

"Great job Avery." Xander sighs. "She's just going to get herself hurt even more. I'm only protecting her." Avery shrugs off. 

"Try protecting her without yelling at her saying her Dad doesn't love her." I suggest.

"If she didn't keep trusting him over and over again I wouldn't have to. If she wasn't so gullible we wouldn't have this issue." She replies.

"She's 16. She just wants to have someone. She's not exactly had the best deal of family has she?" I raise my voice slightly. 

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean Grayson?" Avery scrunches her face. "It means her Mother died, she doesn't have any other family except her sisters and him. You have your inheritance to worry about, Libby has her own stuff to do. He told her he would come back and be there for her. Yeah he was lying and most of us wouldn't fall for that but she did. She has a heart and she may have been gullible but she's young and vulnerable. So if you could just stop trying to patronise her and see things from her perspective she wouldn't be upstairs alone and crying." I speak at her. 

Avery stays quiet. 

"Someone should go talk to her." Xander says. Jameson looks towards me, suggesting I should. 

I know he cares about her and would do anything to protect her, just as much as I would. So for him to admit I should be the one to comfort her right now sort of feels honouring.

I nod his him briefly, "I'll go." I announce. I don't let anyone else add anything else before hurrying upstairs towards her shared room. 

Kennedy stands by the door, "She's in the bathroom." He informs me. "What if I had been a threat?" I ask, suddenly feeling he should be safer with what he lets slide.

"Are you?" He almost laughs in my face. "I could be." I stand taller and straighten my tuxedo jacket to look slightly more threatening. He stifles a laugh but manages to compose himself. "She's been sobbing in the bathroom for five minutes straight." He informs. I unwillingly clench my jaw.

I twist open the doorknob and step through. The first thing I notice are quiet sobs escaping the bathroom. 

There are four beds, three are made and the far one is unmade with the duvet half on the floor. I could bet money on which is Paris's.

I walk towards the bathroom once the realisation sinks in I probably should not be standing in a room shared by four teenage girls despite 75% of which being adults.

I knock gently on the door with my knuckle. The crying quickly stops and all that can be heard are a couple concealed sniffles.

I feel a small spark of sadness in my chest for the girl in there, sobbing uncontrollably then trying to cover it up so nobody notices.

Paris.

I cry. And I keep crying, redness staining my cheeks. Whether my tears are for the threat to my life or my Father is beyond me however they keep falling no matter what I think about.

I hear a knock. I freeze in my spot on the floor.

I sniffle, silently trying to demolish of my tears. "Go away." I say as clearly as I can to make myself sound as though i haven't just flooded the bathroom with my tears. 

"Paris it's me, can I come in?" Grayson's voice requests calmly. "No." I say. "Are you okay?" He asks softly. "Yes." I say. 

"If you're okay why can't I come in?" Grayson asks soothingly. "Because I'm naked you perv." I lie, trying to make him mad at me so he leaves. 

"I'm coming in." He tells me. I know I locked the door so I have nothing to worry about. That is until I see the lock turning from the outside. 

I quickly pull my shirt off so he doesn't think I'm lying. The door opens and I see a bank card in his hand he used to pry open the door.

"Hey!" I yell. He sighs. I thought that would make him leave but instead he comes inside and closes the door behind him. 

"What the fuck Grayson. Get out." I yell, my voice breaking somewhere in between. 

"Put your shirt on Paris. I just want to talk." He says, not looking down. Having somewhat respect even after walking in on me half naked.

"Why do you want to talk to me in the bathroom?" I ask with my jaw clenched. 

"Because your cheeks are red and your eyes are swollen." He says placing his thumb on my cheek. I slap his hand away and step back slightly. "Allergies." Is all I say before I feel my nose burn like it does when I'm about to cry. 

I turn around to face the shower which I try to focus on. But all I can see is the threat outside in the snow, then when I squeeze my eyes shut I see Ricky's face. 

I feel Grayson's hand on my shoulder. I turn to face him.

"I get it." He comforts. "How? How could you possibly get it? Sometimes I wish Ricky was never a part of our lives in the first place like yours." I cry.

"It's not as great as it seems. Knowing your Father had every opportunity to contact you but he chose not to because he wanted nothing to do with you?" He explains calmly.  

"I wish Ricky didn't contact us because then i wouldn't have to constantly feel guilty and wonder if he really cares or if he just wants money. I don't think it's ever been about me. I don't think he even knows my birthday. He would know Avery's though, anything to get a share of the heiress's fortune." I scoff.

"Why do you keep trusting him?" He asks gently. "Because he's fucking manipulative. And I guess I'm just naive to believe he wants a life with us because I want one with him. It's so stupid. I fucking hate myself for being so stupid." I sob.

"Hey. Don't say that. You're not stupid." He comforts. "Yes I fucking am. Don't do the 'you're not stupid' bullshit because I am. If I wasn't I wouldn't keep falling for it. If I wasn't stupid I wouldn't keep getting involved with you and Jameson. I wouldn't keep digging myself into more mess that ends up making people threaten my life. I wouldn't have trusted Danny all those times he beat me and apologised like it was nothing. I wouldn't have got my Mom sick and killed her. If I wasn't fucking stupid Grayson, I wouldn't be here crying into your arms with my shirt off. I mean anyone could get a fucking photo of us and then there I am in even deeper shit because of my own stupidity." I yell, tears uncontrollably falling, my voice hoarse and sore.

When I'm finally done talking I struggle to breathe, hyperventilating more than I ever have whenever I hear fireworks. 

I feel my chest tighten painfully and my heart ache. Not the usual dull and sad sort of ache, the kind of pain that feels like a heart attack, like blood can no longer reach my heart and it is starting to stop beating.

My face scrunches together in somewhat of a wince as I put my hand up to my chest, trying to make it stop. I close my eyes tight as sweat blends with tears. 

I feel disoriented, I feel like I'm a character in a video game, unable to control my moves.

"Paris." Grayson's voice echoes. It sounds like it's coming from all around the room. 

I cringe at the pain in my chest continuing to get worse. I place my hand on the nearest wall, trying to regain balance. I move my hand along the wall until I find the door. I need air, and this room has none. 

I pull the door open and in the bedroom there seems to be even less air. I can't tell if I'm walking on the ground or the ceiling.

I make it out the bedroom. The hall seems to take away the last remaining breathes from my lungs. 

I have to get outside.

I keep trailing along the wall until I find the staircase. "What did you do?" Kennedy yells. "Nothing." Grayson replies as he follows me down the stairs, Kennedy following behind. 

"What's happening to her." Kennedy shouts. 

My hand stays firmly on my heart as I desperately try to stop it from feeling as though its being stomped on. 

"Paris." Grayson says as he follows me. I try to form a sentence but nothing comes out.

I am at the bottom of the staircase somehow and I stumble my way to the door. 

I get outside, now noticing multiple people following me, I suddenly can't hear anything except the rapid beating of my own heart. 

I fall to my knees on the snow, begging for air to enter. 

I feel like I'm having a heart attack or something.

"Paris?" I hear someone's voice. I look around for the creator and kneeling next to me I see Oren. 

"Everything is alright. You're having a panic attack. It will pass and you'll be okay. Just try to breathe with me okay. Can you do that?" He asks. All I can manage is a nod. 

"Good." He says then he starts breathing in deeply. I try to copy him but I struggle. "Sorry." I cry when I can't match his breathing. "It's okay. Keep trying." He says. 

I breathe in at the same time as him, sort of hiccupy sort of feelings burn my chest as I fight the gasps.

"You're doing good." He says after about 4 breaths. 

I keep going. 

In.

Out.

In.

Out.

In.

Out.

Until I manage to count my twenty fourth breath. It starts becoming easier and the pain in my chest evaporates all the way down to a sort of numbness. I can hear and see a lot clearer.

"Tell me about your surroundings. Tell me what you can see." Oren tells me.

"Sky.. Snow... Trees.." I state between breaths. "Good, tell me what you can hear." He orders. 

"Bird... Snow... Wind." I tell him, listening closely. 

"What can you feel?" He asks. "Snow.. breeze.." I say as I focus on the breeze blowing my hair around slightly. 

"Count backwards from twenty and I promise you when you get to one you'll be okay." Oren assures. 

"20.... 19.... 18....17.... 16.... 15.... 14.... 13.... 12.... 11...." I start with shaky breaths between each number, I progressively start to calm down. 

"10.... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. 1.." and just as Oren assured, I'm breathing normally again and i feel fine. Whatever weird psychology shit he just pulled actually worked.

Jameson.

Grayson made his way up the staircase leaving us alone in the bitter silence of the morning. 

He's been gone 5 minutes now and nobody has said a word, unsure what to say so choosing to say nothing at all.

"What did you do?" We all hear Kennedy yell from upstairs. "Nothing." Grayson answers.

"What's happening to her." Kennedy shouts.

"Paris." Grayson says. I hear the staircase creak. I'm guessing that didn't go very well.

I turn around to see Paris walking away from Grayson down the stairs. It's only when I see her hand holding the wall desperately with one hand that I notice her other hand, planted on her chest grasping her heart. She looks disoriented as if she's doesn't notice anything happening around her. I hear her painful chesty breaths that sound how it feels to be submerged under water unable to breathe but desperately trying to.

I stand quickly as she reaches the bottom of the staircase. 

"Shit. Is it happening again?" I ask Grayson, following her carefully. "I don't know. It seems a lot worse this time." He tells me worriedly. 

"Is what happening again?" Avery following us outside after Paris. We all ignore her. 

Everyone else follows us outside now as well, "You okay Pear?" Libby asks panicky. 

Paris drops to her knees on the snow.

"What's going on?" Oren asks rushing outside. "We think it's a panic attack, she's had two smaller ones before but this one's really bad." Grayson fills him in.

Oren nods and drops to his knees by Paris.

"Paris?" He says. Paris's head turns around rapidly to find him. 

"This has been happening frequently?" Libby asks worriedly, her and Nash walking closer towards the rest of us.

"Yeah, last two times were at fireworks. She got worked up thinking they were gunshots." Grayson informs.

"What caused this one?" Nash asks, "I don't know. Probably Avery." Grayson clenches his jaw. All of our eyes remain on the girl who looks as if she is suffocating in her own anxiety.

"What did Avery do?" Libby asks defensively, "Basically told her to grow up and stop trusting her Dad." I scoff. 

"Not in so many words." Avery says innocently. 

 "Why would she not tell us?" Avery asks, sounding more angry than sympathetic. 

"Is she gonna be okay?" Xander asks worriedly. 

"She always is." I frown.

"What do you mean she always is?" Avery asks. "She's got a lot going on. Stuff in the passed that just keeps coming back and hurting her." Grayson speaks. 

"Like what? She's had the easiest life out of all of us." Avery half laughs. Laughs. How could she joke when her sister is having a breakdown?

"You don't know half the shit that girl has had to deal with." Grayson says firmly. 

I watch as Oren and Paris breathe together. Trying to slow her breathing and keep her focused on one thing instead of her all of the thoughts running through her mind.

"Tell me about your surroundings. Tell me what you can see." I hear Oren say. She starts speaking too quietly for me to hear her stuttered answers as he continues asking questions.

"Count backwards from twenty and I promise you when you get to one you'll be okay." Oren orders after asking her some simple questions about her surroundings. 

She makes it to one and she seems good as new. 

Paris.

I breathe out one last time before managing to turn around to see literally every person who is staying at this house watching me. All the security guards, Libby and Avery, Alisa, all four brothers, Max, Rebecca and Thea as well.

Each one is as worried as the other. I turn my head back to Oren, "how you feeling?" He asks. I nod in response, "Better. Thank you." I smile gratefully. 

"Want to talk to me alone about what happened? I'm no doctor but I can at least point you in the direction of one if I know wants happening." Oren offers. 

"Yeah. I don't think I need a doctor or anything." I shrug. "Okay well just talk to me for ten minutes. We'll go to the meeting room." He tells me.

He gets to his feet and helps me up too. We walk closer to the house and everyone tries to talk to me. 

"Paris." Grayson steps forwards, blocking my way inside. "Grayson." Oren warns, Grayson stays in front of me watching my eyes closely with pain in his own. He lingers a moment longer then finally steps back.

We continue walking through the house until we reach a dusty conference room with one long table in the middle. He closes the door behind us and takes a seat. 

I choose the spiny chair at the top of the table. 

"So do you want to tell me all the symptoms that occurred before or during your attack." Oren asks. 

Your attack. Sounds like I had a heart attack which I guess it felt like.

"Well before my hands were a little sweaty and sort of shaky but I didn't really think much of it until my breathing started getting all quick and it became harder to keep breathing like the air in the room was too thick to be in my lungs. And then my heart started beating really fast and it felt like my heart was being stood on like a really heavy pressing and then these sharp pains started and it felt like how i imagined a heart attack to feel. Then I started feeling all disoriented and it felt sort of like I was just some video game character and I couldn't control things. I guess sort of like I just turned off and went onto autopilot. And every voice echoed around like it was coming from all directions. Everything looked a little blurry and then my hearing just disappeared I guess."

He listens carefully. "Now I'm not any therapist so I'm not going to get into much detail but is there any chance something could've got you a little stressed before it began? Even something otherwise insignificant?" He hints. 

"Yeah." I laugh to myself, "Definitely." I take a breath. "And the boys mentioned this wasn't the first time it's happened?" Fucking snitches. "Yeah it's only happened twice before but this time felt so much worse. It was like the same sort of symptoms but it was all just like bumped up to a hundred." I tell him.

"Have you recently been experiencing significantly more anxiety than you would typically feel?" 

"I guess. Just over small things I get a little more stressed than normal." I shrug. 

"Look Paris I'm in no place to diagnose you but I'm pretty sure what you could have is called a panic disorder. It's basically when a person feels more anxiety than the average person and it can attract a lot of severe anxiety and panic attacks." He tells me.

"What's a panic attack?" I ask, "what you just experienced. All those symptoms you listed are normal and can't cause you any harm but in the moment they feel like they're going to kill you." He explains.

"Wait so that'll just happen even more often?" I ask. "Not necessarily. It varies dependant on the person. Some people with panic disorders have panic attacks once or twice a month, others can be up to daily. I think when we arrive home you should speak to a real doctor who can recommend proscriptions and therapy. It's good to talk about things. And if you have one again it's good to have someone around to help you through but if you're alone you can call someone or just try to breathe slowly and count backwards from 20." He tells me.

"Thank you." I say. Truly grateful he was there.

I exit the room feeling a little more comfort knowing I'm not having heart attacks every time something doesn't go my way. I now just have to face the embarrassment of having a breakdown in front of everyone.

The four brothers, my sisters and Max wait outside the door. I hold my elbows as I leave. 

The second I get out they crowd me asking me questions overlapping each other. 

Jameson holds me into a one way hug. I enjoy his comfort but i don't want some stupid sympathy hug. 

Jameson.

We wait outside the conference room anticipating Paris's exit.

"Jameson. A word?" Grayson gestures away and I follow him. "Yeah?" I ask.

"I know you love her. But its not a good idea for you to be with her right now. She doesn't need a relationship right now. I know how you'll take this, you think I'm just trying to get her off you because you've got that whole insecure boyfriend act going on. But if I was going to snatch her away from you like the villain you think I am, I wouldn't lie to your face about how she needs help and not more stress. So I'm telling you this truthfully and nothing more. You need to calmly end things with her. Do it for her." 

I search his eyes for something. Anything to know he isn't being serious right now. He can't be. 

But when I think about what he's said I find some sort of truth within it. She needs a lot right now but the last thing she needs is a boyfriend. And as much as it pains me to think, it's what I need to do.

I owe her this much after all the stress i must've caused her. I can support her as a friend. And it doesn't scare me much as I know we'll be together in the end. Maybe I'm naive to believe in love but i know in sixty years if by some chance we end up in the same old persons home, I'd still come running for her.

And I guess I believe she would too.

When she arrives out, I hug her. Who knows if I'll get to do that for a while.

Paris.

Jameson holds me for what feels like forever then pulls away. 

"What the fuck was that all about Paris?" Avery raises her voice. I flinch slightly, not expecting her tone. 

"What she means is are you okay?" Libby says much nicer, giving me a hug. "I'm fine now." I smile assuringly. 

"Did Oren talk to you about what happened?" Grayson asks. "Yeah. He said he thinks I have something called a panic disorder?" I explain. "Are you going to speak to a doctor about it?" He asks. "I guess." I shrug.

"Do you need anything? Can we do something for you?" Max asks putting a hand on my shoulder. 

"No. I'm fine. It's happened before and you didn't even notice a change so don't treat me all weird." I say disgustedly. "None of that sympathy shit either. Just go back to exactly what you were doing before I caused that commotion." I wave off.

"I was packing my case because we're leaving in an hour." Libby smiles. "Shit." I grunt and start jogging back to my room, having not even started packing.

(a/n. I usually have like 5 chapters pre written however I'm currently sitting at half a chapter so hopefully i can get my shit together and get the chapter out to you by next Saturday as usual however I'm really busy at the moment so if it's late then yk why)