Mess it up by Gracie Abrams

Did I fall out of line when I called you, when I told you "I'm fine" you were lied to, how could I think that all that I gave you was enough? Cause every time I get too close, I just go mess it up.

Summer. It came quicker than a freight train, and it left even quicker. The slick sweat made my clothes cling to me and my hairs stand on end. The summer was boring when you were alone. Just sweat, long nights and a severe lack of things to do.

I didn't trust anyone around me, and I hadn't for a while. But now I knew my stalker was Maddie, and I was waiting for the next attack like a lamb to slaughter, hoping I could catch her in the act. Not a single message. Not a single text. It was like she knew I was waiting, so she elongated the process to make it more painful.

All my roommates are on her side. After the party months ago they've thought I was crazy, which granted I am. Grayson and I's call was short lived. He'd tried to call back Maddie, then all my roommates before they snapped and told him he knows just as much as they do about what's wrong with me. 

All of them decided to spend their summers with their folks, back home and far far away from me. 

I spent my summer in the dance studio, with all access points locked and a knife in my bag. I felt manic, especially when a class of children walked by and smiled at me. It reminded me of the little girl in me who used to spend summers dancing around the house.

The summer ended, and what began was a new semester. The campus buzzed with the excitement of new faces, new classes, new beginnings. All I felt was dread. I knew my paranoia would only get worse. Every glance, every laugh, every whisper would now carry a weight I couldn't shake. I had to stay on guard at all times, hyper-aware of my surroundings, of people's movements. It was exhausting. And the worst part? I didn't even know what I was guarding myself from.

Jameson's birthday came and went. And then Grayson's. I didn't bother wishing him a happy birthday — not that I even could have. Why did it matter? Now they were just dates on a calendar to me. 21 and 22? They felt like ages I wouldn't reach, like the universe had already decided for me that I didn't have that kind of time. The thought didn't scare me anymore. It was merely numbness.

My birthday came quicker than it ever did when I was a kid. I turned 19. Nothing particularly changed. I received a box of gifts from Texas, I didn't open them. I would've returned them to sender, but that felt too cruel, even in my compassionless state.

I spent my birthday alone in my room, staring at that wall I've spent all my time staring at.

The murder wall became a strange sort of anchor. It was the only thing I could focus on without it moving, without it shifting or changing. It felt permanent, unwavering. It carried so many possibilities, yet still all of them. There was an option up there for every possible suspect. I could see a clear representation of my brain. I could tie together every connection. 

I'm bloating a lot, acne is riddling my face, and I'm biting my nails again. They're all things I used to do as a child when I was anxious. I would've been embarrassed a year ago if I was seen in public looking like my 13 year old self, but I've had time to reassess my insecurities and have realized there are bigger things to worry about. Such as being stalked.

I threw all my makeup out the other day. It felt like a weight on my back. It's like it was staring at me like some kind of challenge, as if it was laughing in my face. It was reminding me I hadn't wore it in a while and beckoned me to put it on. But I never had it in me, so I took a trash back and put every last drop in. And then I realized how expensive it all was and took it out of said trash bag to donate it instead. Sure I was having a quarter life crisis, but I was still considerate about the less fortunate. 

From watching the tv, I've established that Libby and Nash have made their engagement public. Grayson's spent the past god-knows-how-long in Phoenix? His girlfriend's with him. Jameson and Avery have been spotted in London. 

Along with my makeup, I managed to unscrew my tv from its hinges, donating it as well. It was an executive decision that ultimately felt better for me. I had no connection with the media — well to an extent. It just meant I wouldn't have to hear about all of them moving on without me. It feels like I'm stuck at the restaurant.

Avery's birthday came next. It passed. She was 20. My big sister was 20. I almost reached out, but the cons outweighed the pros.

October flew by. It stung, knowing that it had been almost 3 years since Avery found out she inherited. 4 years since I met him. Since I met all of them.

 I often find myself wondering how life would have been if she hadn't. I'd still be dating Danny — he'd likely be alive. Jane would still be my best friend. I'd be living with Avery and Libby still, until one of us made enough money to actually finance college. I might even have moved in with Danny and his brothers and parents. Nobody would be trying to kill me. I wouldn't know Grayson. He wouldn't hurt me by simply living.

But when I'm dancing at MAD, I realize none of it would've happened had it not been for the inheritance. Would it have been better? I got everything I dreamed of since I was a child, and it's  nothing like how I dreamed. Sure I've been cast in the Christmas showcase for three years straight, which has not only never been done before, but is also nearly impossible. Sure I've got an agent getting me real paid jobs — even if I have blocked his number. Sure all my teachers worship me. But I'm in constant danger, nowhere feels safe. I can't even enjoy school anymore because I still feel unsafe.

November comes around. My roommates leave for the holidays, going to their parents or partners houses. I get a letter on a Thursday evening. 

Paris, 

Save the date. 02.14.24

Love Libs and Nash.

I stare at it for a moment. They're getting married on valentines day next year. I can feel tears in my eyes as I flip the small card. Scrawled in my sister's curvy handwriting is an additional message.

Missing you, Pear, call us whenever you can to let us know if you'll be there. I want you to be my bridesmaid. Hope you're okay. Love you.

I sigh, spending at least 20 minutes just staring at it. Numbly, I float up the stairs and enter Wyatt's room. He left his room cleanly maintained for the holidays. I locate his cupboard, locating the box labelled 'homework' where he keeps things he doesn't want people to find. It's filled with a few explicit items, but most importantly the cell phone he keeps in here for his 'private activities' as he justifies.

I ignore all the tabs opened and make a call. I remember Libby's number, but have to let myself wonder if she's got a new phone since the last time I saw her.

My thumb hovers over the call button, but I finally gain the balls it takes and let the pad of my thumb gently hit the call button.

Pacing the floor of my own bedroom with all the locks on, I wait patiently. I make the mental decision that if she doesn't pick up in one call it's a sign for me to give up.

After an excruciating 6 rings and 30 seconds of bated breath, the ringing stops. I wait, still not sure if it rung out or if she picked up.

"Hello?" Nash's voice asks protectively over the phone.

(a/n. The next couple of chapters are pretty much the rising action of the story and after that we'll reach one of the two main climax's. I love the way this chapter skipped like 6 months? That was always the plan though. The climax happens at Christmas time, and rn we're at Thanksgiving. Also — Paris doesn't know it's Thanksgiving? Like she knows the date but I chose to make her unaware that it's actually today. I downloaded The Brothers Hawthorne a few months ago, but it was mildly illegal and may or may not have given my computer a virus. All good now though and I've decided to just get the audiobook. I know the basic plot and the first like quarter or so which is why I mentioned that Grayson is in Phoenix and Jameson is in London. I have no clue if Nash and Libby are like engaged? But for the plot, they are. Sorry this update took like 2 whole weeks, i've been so busy and trying to manage my time effectively on all my active stories. But as we all know by now, my time management skills are poor. Thanks for reading <333)