Making the bed by Olivia Rodrigo

Getting drunk at a club with my fair-weather friends, push away all the people who know me the best but it's me who's been making the bed, I'm so tired of being the girl that I am, every good thing has turned into something I dread and I'm playing the victim so well in my head.

I've reached insanity. I'm aware of that fact. But that doesn't stop me from using a fake ID to buy a gun and keeping it loaded under my pillow. I don't sleep well, but with the comfort of a murder weapon at my reach, I at least get some. 3 hours per night, at best. There's a lot of tossing and turning. 

I've also lost the ability to sleep in the dark — I mean I've always slept with a night light, but now I'm using the main light. I've bought a drill, purely so I could install 3 extra locks on my windows and doors. 

I've been avoiding everyone I love, because they could be the one after me. I'm using the 'I don't have a phone' excuse, but in reality I just couldn't cope. 

I've been in here all month. It's now mid March. 

Classes are fine. Though, all my professors are telling me the same thing, I've 'lost my usual emotional spark' whatever that means. 

Dancing doesn't feel like it used to, it sort of seems like something I dread more than enjoy these days. I just can't bring myself to even remotely care if I drop out of a turn or forget to point my toes.

I've picked up extra shifts at work to distract myself, but every customer makes me wonder if it's them. I've ate on my own since Grayson went home last month, my roommates think we broke up or something when he left, which is why they've let me isolate myself.

Gnawing on the skin around my thumbs, I taste blood and swap fingers. They've been pricked and peeled anyway from the amount of thumbtack mishaps. 

I haven't had any more threats, which is what has scared me more. It makes me think they're planning something. 

My diet has been inconsistent. Some nights I'll get take out, others i'll have nothing at all. I haven't gained or lost any weight, but I'm pretty sure the muscle I've spent so long working for is disappearing. I'll need to go back to the gym soon so I can get as much defence skills as I can.

"Hey, Paris.." Wyatt knocks gently on my door. I sigh, glancing out the peephole that I added. When I determine all my roommates are standing there, I allow myself to open the lock.. and then the other.. and the other.

"Hi." I reply sharply, expectantly glaring between them with my head peeking out the door.

"We're all about to head out to the gym together, little night workout. We just thought it'd be good for you to get out the house for something that isn't school." Maddie tells me gently.

I don't contemplate for a moment. "Fine. I'll be ready in 5." I state.

"We were also thinking-" Rachel starts gently. "Can't hear you." I call back carelessly, throwing on some old leisure wear and tie my hair back.

At the gym, I stay close enough to my friends that I can call them over for help if someone jumps out and tries to kill me but far enough that they won't be the ones to kill me.

I start out at the punching bag. I keep one airpod out to hear what's around me. Taylor Swift sings in my ears about burning witches or some shit, but I'm not even remotely paying attention.

"Who are you picturing as that bag right now?" Hayden snorts, walking to me and holding the bag so I can hit it repeatedly without it swinging.

"Nobody." I murmur, glancing back to the other roommates to ensure they're close enough to stop him if he whips out a knife and slits my neck.

"Is it the Hawthorne who shall not be named?" He raises a brow jokingly. "Who?" I furrow my brows. "The ex.." Hayden hints. "Jameson? I mean maybe, but why would it be him?" I interrogate, understanding why I might be suspicious of him but having no clue why he would be.

"No, I mean Grayson." He clarifies. "Gray and I are still dating." I halt my punches, staring at him hesitantly.

"You are? I mean.. we all sort of guessed you broke up. It's been like a month since he left, your phone broke, how have you been talking to him?" Hayden questions. 

"I haven't been." I growl, going back to punching the hard back aggressively. 

"And you're still together? That's impressive." He comments. "Maybe not for long." I murmur under my breath.

"Shit, you gonna end things?" He asks casually. "I dunno.. It depends." I reply flatly, not letting him know too many details.

If it's Grayson stalking me, he's a danger to me for obvious reasons. But if it's someone else, he could be in danger because of me. So right now, all roads seem to be pointing towards breaking up. But I don't know if I want that, the selfish part of me wants to latch onto him as long as possible.

"On what?" Hayden continues. "I dunno." I bark, pushing my feet away from the bag and starting to slide weights onto the barbell, laying back on the bench once I'm satisfied.

I count 10 reps before giving myself a quick rest to wipe the sweat off my hands. I keep lifting, pushing myself up to 20 reps total. And then once I've wiped my hands again I just can't help myself, going for another 10.

"Hey, Rooney! Chill out. Why didn't you ask someone to spot you?" Maddie calls over, racing behind me. 

I glance around, seeing Rachel is at the bathroom, Wyatt and Hayden are wearing headphones and running on treadmills at the other side of the pretty much empty gym.

Maddie's getting closer. She could drop the weights on me. She could shoot me. She could do anything to me, because right now I'm in a vulnerable position.

"I don't need help!" I yell frantically, but she's at my feet. I try my best to push the weights back up so they can be placed safely on the rack above me. 

Desperate and terrified, I push the heavy weights up, but I've done too many reps and my arms are shaking furiously. 

"Calm down, I'm right here." Maddie yells, reaching out to take the barbell from me. Instead, I twist to the side, letting the whole bar and weights slam to the ground, nearly dragging my whole body down with it.

I jump to my feet and step far away from her. "What the fuck!?" She yells at me, gesturing to the weights dangerously close to her feet that I just lobbed to the ground.

"I'm walking home." I yell. "It's like 45° out there. And it's raining. It's also like 8pm, might I add!" She booms angrily.

"Fuck you!" I scream, Hayden and Wyatt take their headphones out and eye me, turning to Maddie for answers.

I'm out the building in an instant, my sweaty body being blessed with the cold air. 

I can't call an uber, because I have no phone. I can't walk home, because I have a stalker after me. 

The second my body slams against a wall, I sink to a ball on the ground, not caring how dirty the grass is. 

I hate this. I hate feeling like everyone's trying to kill me, but it won't go away. No matter what, I can't shake the feeling I'm minutes away from death. Maybe that's the only way out, to do. Maybe if I kill myself I'll get to at least say it was my choice. But maybe that's what they want, for me to give up. But I don't want them to kill me either.

Right now, all I want is to be wrapped up in Grayson's arms, protected from the world. I want him. I need him to come back. 

Maybe I should quit school and head home. But that would just take the trouble along with me and put everyone back home in danger. But they might already be the ones putting me in danger.

Nash might want to kill me because I'm wrecking their family. Xander might want to kill me to get back at me for going to MAD. Jameson might want to kill me for ending our past relationship. Libby might want to kill me because I had to move in with her all those years ago. Avery might want to kill me for at least a million different reasons. 

But most of all, Grayson might want to kill me for everything I've ever done. He might want me dead because I look just like his two ex's that traumatised him, Emily and Eve. Or maybe it's because I went between him and Jameson for a solid few months. Maybe it's because I dated Jameson for ages, then dated him and then hooked up with Jameson when we were on a break and then proceeded to go back to him. There's a plethora of reasons why he could want me dead, and a gnawing part of my mind is telling me to believe it.

The drive home that night is silent. Everyone thinks I'm crazy, whilst I'm sitting in the back planning what my escape route will be if someone pulls a gun on me. 

When I return to my room, I head in the shower, contemplating just drowning myself. I get out and wrap the soft cotton towel around myself. 

Returning to my room, I tie my hair back and make a move to start getting ready, before I find a body looming over my board.

"Hey!" I scream, grabbing my gun and holding it defensively, preparing to come face to face with my stalker once and for all.

"Paris what the fuck?!" Maddie gapes, her hands raising instantly. "Drop the act! I know it's you." I bite out.

"What's me?" She demands. "Step back." I warn shakily, considering lowering my gun for a brief moment before ultimately deciding to keep it raised.

"Please just put that gun down. I'm leaving, okay? I'm gonna walk out." She whispers. 

"Come near me again and I kill you. Okay?" I bark.

She nods slowly and draws out of the room, slamming the door closed behind her. 

Either she is the stalker and got the message to stop, or she thinks I'm deranged. Either way, I don't care. I lock up the door again and fall into my bed, attempting to sleep and getting only a little. 

I'm beyond the point of caring how insane my roommates think I am, because quite frankly, unless they're my stalker I've lost all connection and emotion relating to them. I'm leading a lonely life. And the only way out is through, so regardless of how miserable I am, I just need to keep going through with this until I have an outcome — whether that be my downfall, or my stalkers. 

(a/n. I'm sick and I found this half wrote in my drafts and decided to finish it so you guys could have something. So if the second half is catastrophically painful to read, then I won't even be surprised. Thanks for reading. <333)