Breathe me by Sia 

Ouch I have lost myself again, lost myself and I am nowhere to be found, yeah I think that I might break, lost myself again and I feel unsafe.

Going back to bed after my stalker literally put a knife next to my sleeping boyfriend's head was difficult. I didn't sleep for the rest of the night, but Grayson thankfully did. Being wrapped under his arm gave me the chance to evaluate everything, possibilities of every suspect running through my mind.

The following morning, Grayson woke up early to make breakfast for us. He wanted me to sleep late so he could give me it in bed, but I refused to be alone. So instead I'm sitting opposite him at the kitchen counter, watching with admiration as he fries bacon shirtless.

I take a glance into our future together. Living together in our own house, Grayson cooking us all breakfast, with kids running around, maybe a dog?

"Hey, Gray?" I hum, he looks up with a small smile, attempting to flip pancakes whilst simultaneously not burning the bacon. "How many kids do you want?" I ask him.

His cheeks go a little pink, but he doesn't falter. "I'll take whatever you can give me." My boyfriend states.

You're perfect.

"What if I told you I wanted 15 babies?" I challenge. "Then I'd start saving for their college funds now and relish in the last of my freedom." He smiles.

"Freedom? So you don't really want kids?" I say, trying not to let on at how disheartened I would be if he said he didn't.

"I just mean 15 kids would probably take up all my time. I want kids, if that's what you want." He replies. "When do you want a kid?" I ask.

"This isn't you telling me you're pregnant, is it?" He snorts. I go quiet, just to mess with him. His face drains of color and he looks up at me with horror.

I smirk and that's all it takes for his shoulders to drop again and a loud sigh of relief to escape his lips. "Don't play with me, P." He warns, pointing his spatula at me.

"I don't know if I want kids any time soon.. I mean obviously not soon soon. But also like not in a while. I know it's late, but maybe like late 30's?" I sigh.

"Whenever you're ready, I'm ready. But why so late? I mean it's not an issue, just why?" He questions, transporting a pancake off the frying pan and adding more batter.

"I want to be a dancer.. and if I have kids that would mean my career has to end.. and I don't want it to end before it's even started." I confide.

"Do you need to have the kids? There's adoption, or a surrogate." He suggests. "It's not the giving birth part that I think would ruin my career. When you have kids everything becomes about those kids, you have to clean and cook. There's no room for a full time job." I tell him.

"Well you've got me. You remember that right?" Grayson laughs a little. "If you want to dance, I'm perfectly happy being a full time Dad." He says.

"You? Full time Dad?" I scoff. I instantly regret my words when I see his face drop with disappointment. "You don't think I'd be a good dad?" He asks disheartened.

"I mean.. I dunno." I try to dismiss. "Why not?" He challenges.

"Don't turn this into a fight." I sigh, already sensing the tense atmosphere. "I'm not. I just want to know what makes you think I wouldn't make a good Father." He speaks calmly, but firmly.

"I dunno Gray.. I mean I see how hard you are on yourself. You can't cope with failure. Your kid would be under constant pressure." I suggest, hating myself for fuelling the flame but unable to stop.

"Your kid? Not ours?" He scoffs with disbelief, completely discarding the cooking at hand so he can keep his sole attention on me. "That's not what I meant-"

He ignores me completely. "I might be hard on myself, but that's how I was raised. And I know it's not easy, so I wouldn't do that to any other kid." Grayson says, his childlike voice like a punch to the gut.

"Okay, just stop-" I give in, trying to stop the fight I caused. "No. Tell me what else. Clearly you've thought about this a lot." 

I clench my jaw, biting my tongue to stop the word vomit spilling out. "What makes you think I wouldn't be a good Father?" Grayson demands.

"Because you fucking shot your own!" I yell.

Grayson's anger dissipates, being replaced by heartbreak and a look that makes me want to take it back so bad. The hurt pierces through me from his glassy silver ones. The disbelief following my comment is palpable.

His eyes dart away from mine, refusing to even look at me. 

"Don't fucking go there, Paris." He warns through gritted teeth. "He was about to kill you. I had no choice!" He booms. 

"I just meant that you grew up without a Father. And you have so much fucking trauma." I reply.

"Even more of a reason that I'd be a good Father. I grew up without one so I know how it feels to not have one. I wouldn't put a kid through that, P. You know it!" He yells firmly.

Just as the tension seems to simmer up to a peak, my roommates tumble down the stairs in fits of laughter.

"What you cooking Chef Grayson?" Wyatt sings playfully.

"Shit." Grayson hisses when he realizes the bacon is now burnt to a crisp along with some pancakes. He frantically tosses the cremated food out and struggles to stop a fire from starting. 

"Hey next time you guys are screaming in the middle of the night can you try keep it down? Some of us are trying to sleep?" Maddie teases, elbowing my ribs. 

"You heard me screaming and you didn't think to check we were okay?" Grayson asks dryly. I watch it happen, he rolls back into that hard turtle shell he wears, closing off the slightly fun and laid back side to himself that I love. 

"I thought you guys were doing some freaky roleplaying. I didn't wanna kill the vibe.. were you not?" Maddie frowns. 

Grayson's staring at me expectantly, hoping I'll give a better explanation to the whole knife thing. I avoid his stare, keeping my eyes glued to the counter.

"You should fly back with the others today." I tell him sharply.

He doesn't falter, but I can tell it affected him. "If that's what you want." He grits.

I just push out of my seat and head back upstairs, leaving him to clean up the burnt bacon and pancakes. In my room I re-read the note on repeat, looking over at the bloody kitchen knife once again.

Whose blood is it?

Who put it there?

I find myself holding the knife, examining the blood and dictating it's fake based off the fact it's stuck in place and not dripping. I remember using this same stuff back when I was in drama club in high school. One time I had to spread it all over my face for a play we did. It's pretty easy to tell it isn't real because it's the cheap stuff. My stalker couldn't have at least splurged for the expensive fake blood?

I trace my finger over the blade, determining it's sharper than it was in our drawer last week. The stalker must've sharpened it before planting it. 

Fuck.

I pierce the palm of my hand with the tip of the knife. Instantly blood swims from the small cut, coating my hand in an instant.

Grayson walks in with two plates of food, instantly dropping them on my desk to rush to my side.

"You okay?" He asks, putting our fight aside and taking my hand to clean it up. "I'm fine." I growl, pushing past him to clean it up on my own.

I lock the bathroom door and run my hand under the faucet, watching the blood disappear down the sink, leaving just a tiny cut in the centre of my palm. 

I leave the bathroom, walking past Grayson and getting a bandaid.

"Careful with your wrist, it's still sprained in case you've forgotten." Grayson snarks, clearly begrudgingly trying to help me. "I have bigger issues than a sprained wrist." I bark back, sealing the bandaid.

"Eat your breakfast." He nods coldly to my plate, shoving the last of his own food into his mouth.

I eat the pancakes and bacon, ignoring his intense stare. The knife is gone now, he likely took it away when I was in the bathroom.

(a/n. Random update. Hope you guys enjoyed — you probably didn't cause i love making these two suffer. I just started reading the brothers hawthorne today btw and it's so unbelievably good already. My one wish though is that I had read it before I started part 4 so I could've done things a little differently. Let me know what you guys thought of this chapter. Also, could you guys pretty pretty please fill out my form? It's about a few things and it would mean a lot.

 https://forms.office.com/r/EDV5T0QHQ9

Link is also in comments <3)