Chapter 21

"It's not your fault, Mama," masuyong bulong ng batang lalaki nang ilapit nito ang maliit na kamay sa aking pisngi at inosenteng pinunasan ang aking mga luha.

Masakit ang dibdib ko nang magising ako nang araw na iyon.

A familiar feeling of emptiness crept into my heart, just like I always had on any other morning.

Nanatili muna ako sa kama at ilang minutong hinayaan ang sarili at pusong kumalma. When it finally did, bumangon na ako at lumabas ng kuwarto para magtimpla ng kape. Pagkatapos ay muling bumalik para ihanda ang susuotin sa trabaho, naligo at nag-ayos.

Tiningnan ko ang aking sarili sa built-in mirror sa tokador at naglagay ng kaunting concealer para hindi gaanong halata ang pamumugto ng aking mga mata. Hinayaan kong nakalugay ang aking mahaba at kulot na buhok at saka nagsuot ng salamin at itim na sumbrero.

Nang lumabas ako ng kuwarto para balikan ang aking kape ay sakto na ang magkahalong init at lamig niyon. I gulped it down like water.

I spent all my mornings like this ever since I left my house in San Juan, in a systematic and repetitive manner, like a robot doing things properly according to its manual.

Ibinaba ko na sa sink ang mug nang marinig ang doorbell. I grabbed my things and languidly walked to the door to open it.

Itinaas agad ni Liam ang dalang puting plastic bag na may logo ng restaurant ni Princess. "Breakfast?" seryosong tanong niya.

Bahagya ko siyang itinulak para makalabas na at maisara ang pintuan. "Sa daan na lang, Liam."

Kumunot ang noo niya sabay baba ng bitbit. "Why? It's still early."

Inunahan ko na siya sa elevator. "Susunduin pa natin si Tita Bridgette, hindi ba?" paalala ko sa kanya.

When I decided a year ago to move out of my old place in San Juan, Liam suggested I stay in his condo unit since he rarely used it. Mas madalas pa rin kasi siya sa bahay nila sa Bel-Air.

Tinanggihan ko ang alok niya at sa halip ay kumuha na lamang ng sariling unit malapit sa kanya. I chose the top floor, at nasa mismong ibaba lang ang kanyang unit. Ayos na rin sa akin iyon dahil bukod pa sa malapit ito sa restaurant ni Princess, malapit lang din ito sa APH.

Nang lumipat ako rito, dumalas na rin si Liam sa kanyang unit. Lalo na noong mga unang buwan ko rito. I knew it was Tita Bridgette's idea. Kahit lagi naman niya akong kinukumusta at sinasabi ko naman na ayos lang ako, hindi pa rin siya mapakali hangga't hindi malapit sa akin si Liam.

"How are you? Did you sleep well?" masuyong tanong niya nang makapasok na kami sa elevator.

Napatingin ako sa repleksiyon niya sa pinto at napabuntong hininga habang inaalala ang palaging napapanaginipan. "I'm... okay."

Napansin ko ang paghinga niya nang maluwang nang sumagot ako. Madalas kasi na hindi ko siya sinasagot o pinapansin kapag nagtatanong siya nang ganoon.

"No need to rush, Kazandra. Take your time. Healing is a long process..."

Binalot ng sakit ang buong sistema ko sa narinig.

Mahigit dalawang taon na ang lumipas pero pakiramdam ko ay hindi ko pa rin napapangalahati ang prosesong sinasabi niya. Umuusad ako pero sobrang bagal.

After that dreadful night, I isolated myself from almost everyone. I stopped working. I locked myself at home and grieved for my baby on my own.

I let myself succumb to pain. I let my nightmares haunt me again... I stopped living and thinking. My mind was so consumed with pain that I couldn't think properly anymore.

When I lost my baby, I also lost the light. Once again, I found myself standing in the middle of nowhere, alone in the dark. I lost the will to live.

It was a very dark year for me.

Until one day, when I was on the verge of destruction, the nightmares were suddenly replaced by a dream. It was the same dream that I had this morning.

Hearing the words, "It's not your fault, Mama," melted the ice that had frozen me from the inside and woke me up.

For the first time in a year, bumangon ako nang hindi napipilitan. Still with tears in my eyes, I was then determined to survive and go on with my life.

The first thing I did that morning was call Tita Bridgette, and I told her I wanted to move out of my house.

Little by little, I moved forward. I started with the simplest, littlest things.

First, I changed my environment. Second, I stopped getting my hair straightened. Labag man sa kalooban ko noong una, hinayaan ko na lang ang bagsak ng buhok ko at ang unti-unting pagbalik ng orihinal na kulay niyon. Now I look so much like my mother. It still hurt, but the help it gave me to heal slowly made it easier for me to tolerate the pain.

I also started visiting her more often, talking to her, telling her things about me, telling her about what happened, telling her about my baby...

Tita Bridgette was right. Mama was a lot better now than before. Dati ay takot siya sa akin at umiiyak kapag nakikita ako. Hindi rin nagsasalita kahit ano pang panunumbat ko sa kanya noon.

Ngayon ay ngumingiti na siya. Kapag may itinatanong sa kanya ay nagpapakita na rin siya ng reaksiyon. She could now talk slowly, nod, and shake her head.

Mama was still beautiful even when she lost her mind, even when she aged. Nakakalungkot lang isipin na hinayaan niya ang sariling mabaliw sa pag-ibig na naging dahilan ng mapapait na mga pangyayari sa nakaraan. She believed that she had given birth to a monster who took her husband away from her. She made me believe that I was also a monster like her.

And I almost did.

I despised her all my life. I hated her. I loathed her.

But because of my baby, I finally wanted to forgive her. I finally wanted to forgive myself as well. Hindi madali dahil buong buhay ko siyang kinasuklaman. Hindi madali dahil alam kong marami rin akong taong nasaktan.

After settling down at my new place, I started working again. Marami akong tinanggap na mga projects at manuscripts para makabawi sa isang taon kong pagkawala. I busied myself with work, work, and more work. I became obsessed with exhaustion just so I could sleep immediately once I got home.

Para muling managinip at makita ang batang lalaki. Para muling marinig ang mga sinabi niya.

When I was so close to destruction, my baby boy was the one who saved me with his words. I wanted to keep seeing him in my dreams so I wouldn't forget why I wanted to survive and go on with my life.

Another year had passed, but still, there was no sign of Jed.

I heard he went to South Korea for his enlistment on the night we lost our baby. Hindi na siya muling nagpakita o kahit nagpaalam man lang sa akin. Masakit pero tinanggap ko iyon at inintindi ko siya dahil alam kong nasaktan ko siya nang sobra.

If losing our baby almost sent me to destruction, I bet it killed him. Sa aming dalawa, siya ang mas excited noon. Siya ang mas nagmahal.

Kasalanan ko kung bakit pinag-isipan niya ako nang masama at pinagbintangan na sinadyang maaksidente para mailaglag ang bata. It was my fault because I never got the chance to tell him about my change of plans or my change of heart. Pinili kong puntahan muna si Mama bago sabihin sa kanya.

And then the accident happened.

Ang alam ko ay dalawang taon lang dapat ang enlistment niya. He was supposed to be back a few months ago, but he never came back. No one knew where he went after his enlistment. Or if he was still at the military base or not.

I waited and waited, but he never came back.

Kinain ko ang agahang dala ni Liam sa sasakyan habang nagmamaneho siya papunta sa bahay ni Tita Bridgette. Paminsan-misan ay nakikikagat siya sa sandwich kapag napapahinto kami saglit sa traffic.

When we arrived at Bel-Air, hindi pa man kami tuluyang nakakalapit sa bahay, natanaw ko na si Tita sa labas at nakaabang na sa amin.

Nginitian niya ako nang bumaba ako ng sasakyan.

I opened the door wide for her. "Good morning," tipid na bati ko.

"Good morning, Kazandra," malambing naman na sagot niya. Tila bituin na nagniningning ang mga mata niya sa tuwa.

Hindi ako sigurado kung bakit. But maybe it was because I don't complain anymore whenever she calls me by my first name.

Bumaba rin si Liam at sinalubong siya. "'Morning, Ma,"

"Good morning, Liam," punung-puno ng pagmamahal na sabi niya sabay haplos nang marahan sa pisngi nito. Nakangiting bumaling siya ulit sa akin at tuluyang lumapit.

Nagulat ako nang bigla niyang haplusin ang buhok ko.

"I so love your curls, Kazandra. You really look like Alicia."

Which was the main reason why I always got my hair straightened out before. With my long, curly hair dancing along with the wind, I was a carbon copy of my mother. Ayaw na ayaw kong marinig iyon noon dahil buong buhay ko siyang kinamuhian.

But now I'm trying...

One of the first small steps toward accepting, loving, and forgiving myself.

But will I ever get there?

"Are you ready, Mr. President?" Ngumisi ako nang makita ko ang paglukot ng mukha ni Liam habang pareho kaming nakatingala sa signage ng APH.

"Shut up, Kazandra. Ikaw dapat ang uupo," nakasimangot na sabi niya.

Napairap ako roon. "I am not interested. I'm okay with where I am now. EIC? I actually don't want to take over your previous position pero baka mahalata na ng lahat kung ano'ng koneksiyon ko sa kumpanya—"

"They should know that you are the daughter of the founder. You deserve to lead it."

Bad trip pa rin siya kaya muli akong napairap. "You are more deserving, Liam. You worked so hard all these years. You're more fit to lead."

Napakibit ako ng balikat nang nanatiling seryoso ang tingin niya.

Later, Tita Bridgette would announce that she was finally stepping down from the position, and the new president would be Liam Daniel Guevarra.

Pagdating namin sa tamang palapag, nakita ko agad si Aphrodite na may dalang tumbler at makakasalubong namin dahil mukhang palabas naman siya.

She automatically smiled and waved when she saw me, but her smile faded as soon as she turned her gaze towards Liam.

Nang tingnan ko ang katabi ay may tinatago nang ngiti sa mga labi. Napataas ang kilay ko roon lalo na nang magkatapat na ang dalawa at walang pasubaling inangat nito ang kamay at ipinatong iyon sa ulo ni Aphrodite.

"Morning," pabulong na bati niya.

Nagkatinginan kami ni Dinn nang makarating ako sa aking cubicle. Nakataas ang kilay niya kaya alam ko agad na nasaksihan din niya ang pangyayari. Hindi namin pinag-usapan iyon ngunit nang sumapit ang lunch time ay pareho na kaming hindi nakatiis.

"May napansin ako, Aphrodite," sabi ni Dinn habang kumakain.

"Ano, Ate?" takang tanong niya pagkatapos uminom ng strawberry milk.

"Kayo ba ni Sir Liam Guevarra?" diretsang tanong nito, nakataas ang isang kilay.

Nasamid siya bigla at napaubo nang paulit-ulit.

Tumaas din ang kilay ko sa naging reaksiyon niya. Lalo na nang tumingin siya sa akin na parang natatakot.

"H-Hindi, ah!"

Lumampas ang tingin ko sa likuran niya.

"Hindi talaga! Hindi katulad niya ang tipo ko."

Liam was just standing a few feet behind her, and he heard what she said. May dala ulit itong strawberry milk at mukhang ibibigay sana sa kanya ngunit natigilan dahil sa narinig.

Hindi iyon napansin ni Dinn dahil magkatabi ang dalawa. "Then what kind of man is your type?"

Sumulyap siya sa akin na para bang kakatayin ko siya kapag hindi siya sumagot nang maayos. "Someone... my age."

"Kaedad lang iyan ni Rhyne si Sir Liam. Twenty-seven, 'di ba? And you're what? Twenty-two? There's nothing wrong with that."

Yumuko siya sa kanyang inumin at kinakabahang tumawa nang bahagya. "Basta hindi ko siya type. Hindi kami."

Napatiim-bagang si Liam at tuluyan nang umatras at tumalikod para umalis.

Napabuntong hininga ako.

Pagsapit ng uwian ay nagyaya na namang mag-barhopping ang Production Team at Marketing Department. Tatanggi sana ako ulit katulad ng nakagawian ngunit naunahan na ako ni Dinn.

"Pasensiya na. May importanteng lakad kasi kaming tatlo."

Kunot-noong dumako ang tingin ko sa kanya. Ano'ng lakad?

Ngumuso siya sa gawi ni Aphrodite at nang sundan ko iyon ng tingin ay nakita kong tulala ito sa harap ng computer at halatang walang narinig sa paanyaya ng mga katrabaho.

Wala akong nagawa kundi pumayag sa gusto niya. Sinundo kami ng asawa niyang si Glenn na malayong pinsan ko naman. Kinabahan ako nang dalhin niya kami sa Poblacion at inihinto ang sasakyan sa isang branch ng Starbucks doon. Nasa tapat lang niyon ang Mico Moco.

After what happened more than two years ago, nahihiya na akong magpakita sa mga Suarez. I mean, sure, I was still cool with Czeila and Kuya Mico dahil sila lang naman talaga ang madalas kong nakakasama noon.

But the rest of the family, especially Tita Jessie, who showed me nothing but love and acceptance... Seeing them, being seen by them, or even just the idea of that, made me want to run and hide.

They all heard what Jed said that night. Of course, they'd be mad. My baby was part of their family, and I lost him due to my recklessness. I was sure they were still mad at me. Imposibleng hindi dahil hindi biro ang nangyari at mahirap kalimutan.

Napasulyap ako sa kabilang banda ng kalsada.

It was almost five in the afternoon, kaya alam kong may tao na sa loob ng Mico Moco kahit hindi pa iyon bukas. Lyricbeat was mostly likely inside now, having a dry rehearsal.

Even with Jed's absence, they still continued to perform, but only at Mico Moco. At kagaya ng nangyayari noon kapag hindi sumisipot si Jed sa mga gigs nila, it was Czeila who took his place as the drummer of the band.

Dahil sa ilang taon nang pananahimik at hindi pagri-release ng bagong album, nag-lie low rin ang kanilang career. The four members who were left behind were all talented, but Lyricbeat without Asher wasn't really... the same Lyricbeat. After all, he was the most loved member of the band.

Habang hinihintay ang mag-asawang Dinn at Glenn na nasa counter para sa aming order, bigla akong napatayo nang may mamataang lumabas mula sa Mico Moco. Binundol ng sobrang kaba ang dibdib ko. At bago pa man ako makapag-isip ay napatakbo na ako palabas ng Starbucks.

Dear God, I was so close to hyperventilating! It was really Jed, right? Talagang siya ang nakita kong lumabas ng bistro!

Pero nang tuluyan akong makalabas, wala nang ibang tao sa labas ng hilera ng mga bistro bars kahit isa. There were lots of cars, but none of them was a Hyundai Elantra.

Unless he changed his car?

Or was it just my imagination? Masyado na naman ba akong nahulog sa pag-iisip kaya akala ko ay totoong nakita ko siya? But then again, if he really was back in the city, I was sure Czeila would tell me first.

Binalot ng sakit ang buong pagkatao ko nang matanto ang muling pagkabigo.

Mabigat ang dibdib na bumalik ako sa loob ng Starbucks, sobrang bigat na gusto ko na lang umiyak para muling gumaan ang lahat.

Everything that happened years ago is starting to come back to me now. And every time this happens, the pain becomes more intense than the last. The guilt was eating me up once again.

"Hey! What happened, Kazandra?" tanong ni Glenn nang matulala lang ako sa lamesa namin at hindi umupo.

"It's not your fault, Mama."

Paulit-ulit na inisip ko iyon upang kalmahin ang sarili. It wasn't effective this time, though. Kahit maliwanag sa puwesto namin at bahagyang natatamaan ng sikat ng araw, pakiramdam ko ay kinakain na naman ako ng dilim.

"Aphrodite..." nahihirapang bulong ko, nanginginig ang mga kamay dahil sa tindi ng pagpipigil na maiyak nang tuluyan. "I'm sorry, but this is a personal favor. I badly need a graphic illustration of..."

Napapikit ako sa sakit at muling narinig sa aking isipan ang boses ng aking anak.

"It's not your fault, Mama."