Ever since I'd met Madara, I'd become aware of one thing I did that I really hadn't thought of before.

Whenever I felt a strong emotion, be it sadness, anger, serenity, I would turn up my face towards the sky as I walked and indulge. It was as if the rays of sunshine, the wind, the cold, the rain was the emotion, and I needed it to wash over my face or I would never get it out of my system.

I was turning my face up now.

I felt shame. Guilt. Humiliation. And so much self-hate I didn't know what to make of it. The self-hate was based on the fact that I had come to realise I hated the man I became because of my party.

It was Christmas Eve, and my dream of spending Christmas Day with the man that had come to mean so much to me had been washed away from my heart and out in the gutter. I had been so ambivalent, my plan of closing down the homes to make Madara waver colliding with my desire to actually get to know him. In the end, I had chosen my party because it was the easy way out. I regretted it. I regretted it immensely. But not only because it had taken Madara away from me. No, it was also because I regretted the effects of my politics on those it directly affected. I had seen the faces of the workers of the home. I had seen the faces of the residents. And I had seen the face of Miss Asghar. And the thought of there being hundreds of asylum-seeking elderlies with the same face all over the state made me want to lay down and rot.

So I had paid for all of the residents of Miss Asghar's home to stay in a comfortable and high-quality hotel. I had looked at all five-star ones first, but most of them were fully booked at this time of year. The one I'd found, however, got enough rooms vacant and also held a standard high enough that I could live in it.

I had gotten Miss Asghar the only vacant suite.

Still, the pain didn't go away. It was like having broken a bone to then mend it with diamond screws. It was pathetic. Yet, I hadn't done it to make myself feel good but because I wanted the residents to feel safe. My feelings didn't matter at this point.

I suddenly stopped; something inside a window had caught my attention. The window was floor-to-ceiling and inside, people were dancing a pair dance. I looked at the entrance.

Lindy hop.

I couldn't help but smile as I played with the thought of giving it a try. I knew it was a pair dance that was very LHBTQ-friendly, and with my current reputation, being caught by the newspapers in there would be hilarious.

What's stopping you? I thought.

Nothing. Nothing was stopping me.

I was just about to go inside and ask to join in this Christmas Eve dance when I saw him.

He was following a tall, slender man with brown hair and glasses. They were both smiling and laughing as they danced together, looking at other dancers from time to time that moved around them. Madara was a beginner, but the man with the glasses was clearly an expert, making their dancing seem effortless. I'd never seen Madara look so happy.

Before he noticed me, I turned and walked away.

"If you apologise one more time, I will turn your dick into baklava."

"I'm sorry, Miss Asghar."

"Racist-jan!" she said so threateningly I couldn't help but laugh.

"How can you not be mad at me?" I asked.

She turned a little in her wheelchair, her alert eyes hidden beneath her faux fur hat.

"You have no idea what I've seen. Back in my home country. Bad men do things to good men like you. I see it was an act of desperation."

I wasn't sure I liked the fact that she saw me as desperate. I parked her wheelchair next to a bench in the park. The park was covered in a layer of snow, and on top of that a thick layer of frost. The pond in front of us was frozen, the sun glistening on its surface. It was magical.

"I've fixed it."

Miss Asghar looked at me.

"Your relationship?"

I smiled sadly, looking straight ahead. "No. We were never in a relationship. I've taken back the bill closing down the homes. They're not closing down anymore."

She seemed impressed. I didn't deserve it. I had caused the problem myself. I had only cleaned up my own mess, as we all should.

"That was fast work."

"I'm a good politician."

"And your party members?"

"Detest me. They're going to kick me out." I looked at her. "But I'm not going to let them."

She looked at me intently, and I wondered if she understood what I meant.

"Go", she said. "Go to him. He should be done with his gay dancing. He should be in the library. 

I had, I had to admit, never been to the main library of our city before, preferring to buy my books to collect them in the giant bookshelf covering my hallway walls at home. The library was beautiful, with huge glass windows but old, dark shelves with golden details. The ceiling contained an insane angelical painting, like a church. As it was Christmas Eve, the library was eerily quiet, making me very aware of the sound of my own shoes on the old wooden floorboards. I was almost afraid he would recognise my footsteps and come scream at me. At the same time, I was so excitedly nervous I was nauseous. Please... Please!

I looked for what felt like ages, on all of the five floors. I didn't see him anywhere. I had given up when I walked past a bookshelf.

And there he was.

For a while, before he noticed me, I just stood and gaped. He was beautiful, so different from his political self, his alternative self. He wore his glasses, his hair up in a high ponytail on his head. But he looked nerdier than I'd ever seen him, in a black Star Wars t-shirt, a long-sleeved white t-shirt underneath and baggy cream-coloured jeans that scraped the floor. He was stacking books, still a slight flush on his face from dancing, a small smile playing on his lips. I wondered if his smile was because of the man he'd danced with, and I suddenly felt very out of place in my suit and coat.

Then, he turned to go to another shelf, and that's when he saw me and stopped dead.

I didn't say hi.

He didn't say hi.

We just looked at each other for a while, Madara holding a stack of books. Then, tentatively, slowly, I took one step closer, then another, as if approaching a hesitant animal. Madara didn't move. Carefully, I backed him into a shelf, put my hand next to him to capture him. He accepted his capture, but he looked hostile.

"What do you want?" he asked.

"I need to talk to you."

"I don't need to talk to you. I'm not interested in you. Please, let me finish work so I can go and try to fix the fucking mess you've created."

"I've already fixed it", I said.

He frowned. "What do you mean?"

"The homes are not closing."

"That makes you a coward. You can't even stand behind your own pathetic views."

It stung. It really did. Even so, I'd had no higher thoughts about my actions myself.

"I know. But the fact still remains that it's fixed. You don't need to do anything."

He stared me down. Then, he put his stack of books down on the wagon next to him, grabbed my hand and pulled me with him. I didn't even have time to react before he'd pulled me into a dark corner of the library where we were surrounded by shelves. There, he backed me into a shelf and unbuckled my belt.

"Madara, what... Hahh..."

He had started sucking me. I had no idea how he'd pulled my trousers down so fast, but he was on his knees for me, sucking me. Shit, we're in public. I leaned my head back against the books, closed my eyes.

"Ahhh..." I grunted.

Madara was silent, not emitting any sounds like he usually did. I missed him. I missed him so much. I put a soft hand in his hair, clenched a little.

"Madara..."

He understood. And if it was because he pitied me, or because he missed me, too, I didn't know, but he began moaning, silently so nobody would hear. The sense of urge and secrecy combined with his hot mouth made me come in seconds. I grabbed his face harshly, letting him know I'd reached the point when I was the most sensitive, but he didn't care but kept sucking me to convulsions. His mouth took me in, and he backed away, looked up at me as he swallowed. I was panting like a madman, this boy with a Star Wars t-shirt giving me a blowjob in my coat and suit.

He came up to my face then, dried his mouth with the back of his hand. I'd never seen so much hostility in anyone's face before.

"This changes nothing between us", he said. "I just needed to fuck you out of my system."

He turned and left.