Horis knocked upon the Dark Lady's door, an oyster held at the ready.

Yet, when she opened it and witnessed the way his tongue extracted the mollusc from its shell, she did not swoon or gasp. She merely yawned.

"I was sleeping. I don't care. Sod off," Lady Kabech croaked, then turned around and shuffled back into her room.

Horis trotted off to get a mussel. Oysters did not show enough of one's talent.

He knocked again, and paid more care in showing the twist he used to get a very high C out of Fert.

Kabech yawned again.

"I was sleeping. I don't care. SOD OFF." She shut the door on him.

Horis trotted off to get a snail.

He knocked again and skilfully wheedled the creature from its shell. He caught its emerging foot in his teeth and pulled it free, then swallowed it.

Still, Kabech yawned.

"I AM SLEEPING. I DON'T CARE. SOD OFF, YOU PILLOCK."

Horis needed something with more danger. A creature even Eraz would not dare tangle his tongue with.

He trotted off to get an octopus.

Horis knocked again, but while he was prising open the octopus' beak, it latched on with its tentacles. He panicked. It bit down on his tongue.

But it got him into Kabech's chamber with more than a yawn.

He fell in and she pulled the creature from his face.

"What are you doing?" she asked, standing over him in her nightgown. The octopus twirled its legs around her slender, silver arm.

Horis stood up, flicked the pompom of his nightcap away from his face, then sat on the edge of her slumber-cup.

"I know you've got needs that haven't been met in far too long, your highness," he said and patted the space beside him.

His tongue was in no state to be flapping about after that vicious attack, but he had to bare it and do his duty for her country.

"The only need that isn't being met is my need to sleep. Sod. Off." She crossed her arms and tapped her foot.

"I meant your carnal—"

SQUOOOPTHHH

She clobbered him so hard with the octopus it spat its brain out and a good deal of ink. All over their white linen nightclothes and the slumber-cup.

Luckily, it was a soft animal.

Horis stood up and flung the deflated mollusk aside so he could take her hands.

"I understand you are not warm towards me, and any number of more charming Tyvern would sing at the chance to be my Empress-to-be, but my position as Emperor-to-be dictates that it is you I must wed. I cannot take anyone less. And of course your position demands the same. You must wed someone of equal standing and I believe the only other option slipped your grasp."

Kabech tugged her hands free and cut them across his cheek with her knuckles.

She was not a soft animal.

"Sod off, you utter pillock."

He did not let his throbbing cheek dampen his spirit.

"I also got you a gift, and I can't bare to keep it from you any longer."

"I don't want your octopus."

"Come with me, it's outside."

He scooped her up and leapt out the window before she could protest.

The city was silent with sleep, disturbed only by Kabech's shrieking as he passed between the great mushrooms. Her loudest erupted when they arrived.

"WHAT IS THAT DOING HERE?"

"I had my army carry it here to present to you as an engagement gift. I shall never have to leave this horrid country again, isn't that wonderful? Nothing could make me happier than to devote myself wholly to Tyrunvern," Horis said and set her down among some amethyst blossoms. "I'll leave you here to consider my proposition. Don't hesitate to fling yourself upon me when you've decided. I'll be eagerly awaiting you in my bed-shroom and ready to see to those needs of yours."

Horis would have stayed to perhaps woo her upon the sapphire bench or by a tree, but the hour was late and he needed rest to fulfil his promise to her more adequately. The Lady of Darkness had not taken any companions while he had been in the palace, so her itch would be dire.

And that octopus had made a complete mess of his nightshirt. He was in no state to be cavorting in gardens, so he returned to the palace, changed, and got a peaceful night's rest.

* * *

"Dame Aubergina!" Lady Kabech roared and pounded against Aubergina's door.

Eggy roused from her bed and shuffled across her bed-shroom to answer it.

"What brings you hammering so early, your Highness?" She scratched the crust from the corners of her eyes, and opened them to quite the sight. "Goodness, were you stabbed?"

The vigour in her knock was not that of a stabbing victim, but there was a horrific black splodge upon her that demanded explanation.

"No, it was that feathered imbecile. He showed up at my door, mocking me with his Amphelian food long after supper, then stole me out my own window to show me his befoulment of Hereth!"

"...I see. Do come in, I'll find you a fresh garment."

Eggy found a shirt for the Lady, careful not to reveal any of her Amphelian robes as she lifted it from among them. A shame Kabech detested their guests and all things associated. The lady would make a handsome figure in Eggy's purple silk robe. Horis had presented the garment to her along with her rather fun name, based on the Drakuur variant of her namesake. Then, he had presented her with his Amphelian aubergine.

"The audacity of it! He has brought the Rogue King's garden to my city! And claimed it to be an engagement gift, as if I would ever accept a proposal from such a lunk-headed git!"

"Engagement gift?" Eggy repeated, crumpling the nightshirt. She took a breath and carried it over to Kabech. But as she helped the lady out of her spoiled shirt, Eggy could see another source of discomfort.

"Indeed. And he made it to sound as though I've no other choice in the world! Simply because the King ran off—my marriage with the rogue King did not go to plan." Kabech leered as if to blame Eggy for her slip. "Hurry up, or I shall catch a chill."

Eggy cleared her throat, then stepped closer to drop her voice to the least offensive whisper. "I do apologise, your highness. You seem a tad bloated. I must recommend you try some sunflower seeds and prunes. They do wonders for—" she stopped.

Kabech put a hand to her stomach, then flicked it up to clip Eggy's nose. "Not a word of this to anyone, you hear!"

"Nobody would blame you for a night with the Rogue King, and a child of his would quite solve your need to marry any fellow," Eggy said and got on with throwing the clean shirt over Kabech's head.

What a relief. That would keep Horis and his eggplant free.

"It's not his, Aubergina. That bastard stole away with Alphonse." Kabech bit her lip.

Eggy had warned her about taking that blue-eyed young lad out. Though she failed to mention the Alchemist was the one who stole her books of the King's adventures. It was not worth the risk of being knitted into something unnatural.

"...I see. Any Wyverk child would—"

"It's a farmer's."

Eggy gasped and ran for her armoirsia. "Goodness! I'll—"

"Don't you dare breathe another word of that. I love the fellow, and if I must, I'll slip away in the night and leave it with him. Nobody needs know." Kabech pushed her arms through the sleeves of the shirt and cupped her bump again.

"If you love him, wed the fellow and be done with it. If you've a Lord, Horis will leave you be." Eggy took her hand and brought her to a piskie-seat. She fetched a cup of shroom-juice from her secret stash for herself and a bit of water for the Lady.

"He's a farmer, Aubergina. The court would mock him to ruin. He has such a darling smile, I never want him to lose it."

"They wouldn't mock if he's the most handsome fellow in the realm." Eggy winked and lifted Kabech's chin. He must have been some fellow to bring the glisten of moisture to the Lady of Darkness' eyes.

"I couldn't claim that."

"Indeed you could. We'll hold a competition; the handsomest fellow in Tyrunvern shall be your Lord. They will all have to present their case, of course, but you'll know your lad when you see him." Eggy had worked up such excitement that she almost made the grave mistake in her choice of quill. She put Horis' feather aside and picked up a metal-tip instead. "I'll draft a letter this very minute for circulation. It shall have to extend to the fops of the palace too, of course, to lend some legitimacy and a darned good show when they get outdone by your humble farmer."

She scratched up a letter and passed it to the Lady for inspection, then fished out her purple silks.

"Dame Aubergina, I thought you were my ally against these birds," Kabech hissed with a glare at the garb.

"It would have been improper to decline the gift that the Ambassador presented to me upon his arrival. But I must insist you wear it, it will be more comfortable than your corset for the pair of you and the loose folds will help hide your secret while we snag you a Lord."

"Might I borrow your quill and a piece of paper? I must send a letter with my horse, she'll take it to my Yam. I dare not risk his absence from our own wedding." Aubergina stood up, but Eggy quickly set her down again and gathered them for her.

"I've never seen you so happy, Lady Kabech."

"Not a word of it to anyone."