@jachinthebox

Title/Cover: I think the title lacks a bit of a punch. Frankly, Rebellion: Prince of Dawn sounds like some epic video game. It's fitting enough, though, since this rebellion seems to be a major part of the story. Still, it wouldn't draw me in if I was simply scrolling Wattpad. As for your cover, it sort of gives me the exact wrong idea. My first thought upon seeing the anime art style and bright green title font was "fanfic". I'm sorry, but it's the truth. It's definitely not eye-catching for me, and considering the detail and sheer volume of this book, it's way too simple and innocent-looking. Something a bit... grittier and more fantastical might draw my eye a bit better. 

Grammar: No real complaints here. From time to time, I caught a tense switch (such as the one in the paragraph about elves in chapter one, where you switch into present tense), but I've seldom read a draft that didn't have this problem. Other than that, your writing style did feel a little clunky at points, but that's something you'll likely see for yourself when you edit. 

Characters: So I'm gonna infer that you've either read A Song of Ice and Fire or seen Game of Thrones. And I'm saying this because as someone that just finished the latter, whined for several days, and then started the former just two weeks ago, I'm actively trying to remove GOT similarities from my work in progress. It's hard. First off, names. Lancaster is super similar to Lannister (at least for me, who had to do a double take), Tarrinian to Targaryen, Ser Castell to Ser Cassel--you even spell "Ser" the George RR Martin way. Decan is also reincarnated as Ilias Payne, which is wildly similar to Ilyn Payne, and we've got a father figure named Lord Arryn. As for the characters themselves, Decan seems to be playing the Ned Stark role--honorable, brave, strong--while Valentine is our Arya--unladylike, headstrong, spirited, even catching cats in the same fashion. That's not to say that every character is exactly like their GOT counterpart (if they have one) or that the characters in what seems to just be our prologue need to be completely groundbreaking, but if you're looking to publish, tread very carefully around things like this. 

Dialogue: I have to draw attention for a second to the "The lowborn say m'lord, not my lord" line, because Tywin Lannister says this to Arya Stark when she poses as his cupbearer. But you knew that. Anyway, your dialogue is definitely your strong suit. While the story is a bit lacking in sensory details and imagery, your conversations do feel very natural, but are still written in that somewhat formal medieval fantasy way. Very smooth and easy to read for the most part, though there are a few instances of "yeah" and some more modern speech that can throw off the cadence a bit. There are, however, some parts in here that just sound really really cool. Good job there! My advice would be to tone down on the GOT references--like the speech about learning how to die a long time ago, which Ned Stark says when he's in the dungeon--and also just some light editing to make the flow even better and more consistent. 

Plot and pacing:  More Game of Thrones stuff (sorry, I'm really trying to actually talk about the plot but I'm such a frickin' nerd for GOT that I can't help pointing out all the references): wards and squires and bannermen and knights spelled S-E-R and armies and mad kings and proud houses and sigils and wargs and "on my honor as a..." are all so very Martin-esque. You've even got Harkhall and the Iron Keep, remarkably similar to Harrenhal, the Iron Throne, and the Red Keep. You've got Decan beheading people the way Robb and Ned Stark do, even when it seems like overkill to the reader and Lord Karstark--er, the leader of the bandits--is cursing him. You've got a scene pulled straight from GOT where Decan is describing his prison cell almost exactly as Ned Stark does and having a conversation with Salazar which is exactly like the one he has with Varys. He even gets his head chopped off in a big fat "PSYCH!" moment. HOWEVER, this is not to say that Martin has a monopoly on every single fantasy element ever. You can use as many knights and wards and sigils as you like, but do know that when you start resembling GOT, these are things a reader will add to the list of things that don't feel wholly original, even if they are. 

All that said, I really do love the reincarnation aspect and the jynxist bits. You've done some major worldbuilding and I'm interested in what else you've done and where it all might be leading. The post-reincarnation bits might be completely different from these first seven chapters I've read, so maybe the story will change a lot and these are all just Easter eggs I've picked up on. Pacing-wise, it's slow, but not too slow, just slow enough that I can tell it's a slow-paced novel, which is a stylistic choice by you that seems fairly appropriate. 

Personal enjoyment: I actually really enjoyed this. Maybe it was just the thousands of Game of Thrones references I got to make, but I had a pretty fun time reading. I love reincarnation as a plot point (way better than plain ol' freaking resurrection *cough* Lord of Light *cough* Jon Snow *cough*), and I'm actually pretty interested in where this will go. I know I might have come off as a bit critical and maybe even skipped over some of the more helpful things I could have pointed out, but as a story, I really do think most of the elements are there: decent grammar, strong dialogue, good pacing. Your characters are hard for me to judge because they do remind me so much of GOT/ASOIAF, but they definitely do seem to have consistent and distinguishable personalities, so good job there. My biggest suggestion, as you can probably guess, is to cut out some of those references. A nod here and there is fine--a nice wink to informed readers--but for me to begin your book and start drawing parallels within the first chapter is a little bit much. It affects the way I look at your story as a reader; I'll be looking for those references and wondering how much of the story is just ripped off from someone else's work, and it'll make your book stand out less to me. 

Again, though, I don't want to discourage you. I only read the first seven chapters, and you know the readers you've had and the story you want to write much better than I do. I'm not you, and I'm not a professional editor or critic or anything like that. I'm a person on the internet giving you my opinion. Take it or leave it. Entirely up to you. 

Thank you for choosing me to review your story! Feel free to reach out with any questions or concerns!