“The One Her Mom Sent”
By: Written_Voices34
hello_gurl34

☪Cover: 4/5- I like the cover, the close up of the eye is beautiful. Half of the title is cut off. Resize it to fit, the dimensions are 256x400.

☪Description: 10/10- The description sounds really great, definitely interesting. It makes me want to read this book instantly. You included exactly enough info to pull a reader in.

☪ Grammar And Punctuation: 17/20- There are some run-on sentences. For example, the first chapter, 4 paragraphs down can be broken into 3 sentences. A few places where the wrong punctuation is used. (Like a period when a question mark is needed.) Make sure that each paragraph has one speaker. It drags readers attention away when they have to separate who is saying what. Think of it like a spotlight on a stage, only one person can use the spotlight at a time. It's the same way for a speaker and each paragraph. Give that speaker their own spotlight (meaning paragraph).

☪Originality: 5/5- I like how you show life isn't always perfect.  You show the real inside life and mind of a woman. I like how KJ and D'vontae's friendship is very close. You show a life and add 100% realness to it. Big props for keeping it legit. I love how you throw you own touch in your story and it's not like other books on this app.

☪Character Development: 19/20- When describing KJ try to make readers visualize her. Show her features don't directly list them. Example, “I'm 17 years old, 5 foot four inches and three hundred twenty five pounds.” You can change that and try “with me being 17 years old, I stand short at 5 foor four. My weight of 325 pounds makes me feel (_________).” You still tell the info without listing her features like a list. I love how she embraces her size in today's society, but hate how negative she feels. Our inner image shows on the outside. My personal example: My best friend Joi is 6'0 tall and weighed 325 pounds before she lost weight, and she works that shit. Now her ass is down to like 200 pounds. She works any weight and looks damn good. She embraces her weight and beauty and it reflects on her outside. My sister-in-law is 5' 7" And weighs around 450. She is negative and it shows on her outside. KJ needs to love and embrace her beauty inside and out. Our pounds do not make us! For some reason, I feel Armonie is a bad influence on KJ. Awesome way to show readers how she feels about D'vontae, we have all had THAT best friend. I can't wait to read more about their friendship.

☪Plot Development: 18/20- The plot begins to pop off from the first paragraph. It shows real life and inside of a woman's mind. Life isn't sugar coated and neither is this! I love it. It has a great pace and tensing is the same.

☪Overall Look: 8/10- The only thing that throws off the book is the different speakers in one paragraph. Other than that it is very well put together.

☪Enjoyment: 9/10- I read four chapters and I really loved it. I love both books you have submitted so far. Only a few edits are needed for grammar and punctuation and work on having one speaker per paragraph. Other than that it is wonderful and I really enjoyed this book.

☪Total: 90/100

+5 for following
+2 for adding Not Like The Rest
+10 for votes & comments

♥107 points♥

*The attached video is "Contagious" by The Isley Brothers. I love Ronald Isley and I've had this song stuck in my head for days. 😂😂😂