“Dean Barton”
by Hallie_May

Cover: 4/5
I like this cover, it's simple and to the point. I would increase the font size and opacity of the title. Try changing the font of your name to make it shorter and increase the opacity as well. Moving it to the bottom of the book may look better as well. Your name is blurry right now and the title doesn't stand out.

Description: 8/10
The summary is okay, but could use an edit. It's a pretty basic outline of the plot. The first paragraph grabbed my attention, but the second paragraph didn't. Try to include something enticing that will captivate your reader.

Grammar & Punctuation: 17/20
Most of the dialogue in the first chapter is missing punctuation. Try not to use, “let's just say”. Don't allow the characters to speak directly to the reader. It's breaking the fourth wall and you don't want to do that. There are some words that need to be uppercase. There are quite a few sentence fragments. Many places within the first few chapters are needing a comma. Some sentences have extra words that are not needed. Example: “Morning Mum,” I greet my Mum as I hug her. She is making us waffles for breakfast in the kitchen.
You say “Mum” twice, you could say “I hug and greet her” and readers already know that breakfast is made in the kitchen so “in the kitchen” can be left out.

Originality: 5/5
By reading the summary I figured this would be another cliche bad boy story, but it's not! This is definitely an original idea. You took an idea and brought it to life with your own twist on it. Great job!

Character Development: 15/20
In chapter one you literally list features of Dean, Amy and Theo. I definitely would remove this. You need to show your characters features, don't tell or list them. Slip the features in their introduction chapters. I get a sense of each of their personalities, but not fully. Show who your characters are by showing their actions and emotions.

Plot Development: 18/20
I would re-word the introduction and turn it into a prologue. Start chapter one with the actual story. Organize it by A/N, cast list, prologue then chapter one and on with the chapters. Your plot begins with a pretty good flow. You do need more World Building. Show readers what your characters see. What does the kitchen, bedroom and school look like?

Overall Look: 8/10
It has a rough start but the actual chapters are well organized. I would move the characters features to a chapter by itself and use photos for a cast list. But remember to show their features in the actual story. Always remember this:
Showing > Telling

Enjoyment: 8/10
The storyline is good and grabbed me in chapter fourm most readers want to love the story by the first or second chapter. This is why I read until chapter five to determine if I will like a book or not. The grammar and punctuation threw me off a bit, but all that can be fixed with an edit. Overall – I liked your book and can hopefully finish it once I get all these reviews up to date!

Total: 83/100
+5 for following me
+2 for + Not Like The Rest to a list
+10 for votes & comments
101 points

To Hallie_May
I apologize for this review being so insanely late. I've had a lot of personal issues the last couple of months and have been swamped with judging. I didn't realize some awards were being judged at the same time and ended up being a judge for 6 at the same time. It was very stressful. In slowly but surely getting caught up. I am very sorry it's taken a bit to get this review to you.
–xoxo
     Boo