Intro:

What If Geto Is Your Master was written by mothboyikari. This is a dark, 18+ story following Y/n after she receives devastating news. Now needing more money than one person can ever accumulate in such a short time, her desperation leads her to someone more dangerous than anyone realizes: Geto.

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Detailed Feedback

What Worked:

For starters, I overall like the writing style, particularly how it shines in the beginning of chapter 1. Considering chapter 1 is your hook, it's extremely important to have something that catches your reader's attention, and your style certainly did that. How to best describe it... maybe snappy? In chapter 1 in particular, the writing style is often choppy and snappy, and I mean that in the best way possible since it reflects Y/n's current mental state perfectly. She's distressed and unable to focus, her mind zooming in and out of the moment, and the writing style reflects that in a way that hooked me in. I liked how she seemed there but also not there, giving us a realistic depiction of how anyone would react to finding out what she found out. I love it when books start with a strong emotional reaction from the protagonist, that way we get to see early on how they react to tough situations, and Y/n certainly reacted in a memorable way, though most of that is due to the style reflecting her thoughts really well, so nicely done with the writing style, particularly in the first chapter with the hook. It does a good job getting people to pay attention right away, and it'll make them want to continue reading. I personally love it when the writing style reflects what the characters are feeling. It makes everything feel more connected and personal.

This is a small thing, but I like to cover the small things since I think they're important: I'm glad you didn't make this like a smut fest and really took the time to flesh out the characters before and after the details of the contract and the core part of the plot. Too many stories go like this: basic plot thing here argue smash smash smash muah smash smash argue smash smash. Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating, but that's what it feels like. I'm glad there's actually an interesting plot, unique characters, and heavy themes with genuine lessons to take away from the narrative. The dangers of what money can do to a person's mental state is one of the themes here, and it's executed both through Y/n and Geto, though more on that in the next paragraph. I just wanted to take a moment to appreciate that, and appreciate the attention to detail here.

Like I mentioned above, I wanted to talk about how the dangers of money influence both Geto and Y/n throughout the narrative. For Geto, the power and influence he's received has turned him more dangerous, entitled, and powerful. For Y/n, money is dangerous because it's what drove her into that harmful situation to begin with. The desperation of money is what got her hurt if not scarred for life, but she feels she has to keep going, otherwise her brother will die. I'll talk about her as a character in the next paragraph as I liked what you did with her in this, but for now, I wanted to talk about them as themes. Geto and Y/n are like vessels for the themes as they are not only the ones driving the plot, but the ones driving each other insane, it feels. Maybe I'm reaching too deep or something of the sort, but in my interpretation, it's almost like Geto is going insane for Y/n, while Y/n is going insane because of Geto. They're getting too caught up in the moment to the point where it drives them to the brink of what sanity (if any) they have left. Now, that's just pure speculation on my end, but I think it's interesting that I can even think about that at all. I'm only able to think deeply about the book because it's written in a way that invites those kinds of conversations and thoughts, which I think is a good trait.

Related to the previous paragraph, the last thing I wanted to talk about is Y/n as a character as I think she's great in this. So, to finish up the what worked section, let's focus on her. I love that she's protective over her brother to the point where she's willing to do the unthinkable just for a chance at helping him. The fierce protectiveness in her, and her fierceness in general, attracted me to her right away. I'm glad you gave this Y/n traits instead of letting her be completely blank for the reader. I personally think Y/n works better as someone with specific traits, that way there's a stronger character there, so I'm glad you did that. Y/n was my favorite character, and I'm overall happy with the way you handled her, especially when it came to giving her clear traits that drove her choices throughout the book.

All in all, What If Geto Is Your Master has an interesting, emotional story so far, with the strongest parts being the writing style, especially in the beginning of chapter 1, and the themes that invite conversations about them. I'm sure there's more to come, and I can't wait to see what emotions and themes are next!

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What Didn't Work:

To begin, be careful with how many ellipses (...) you use. I first noticed you used a little more than average in chapter 1, but it really shined in chapter 2 just how many you use. In the first six paragraphs, there are ten ellipses. There are more ellipses than paragraphs—almost twice as many ellipses as paragraphs, and that's being generous since many of what I'm considering paragraphs are just a single line of dialogue. I'd say there's more like two standard paragraphs in that opening, meaning the more accurate ellipse to paragraph ratio is 3-1. I say this because many of them aren't needed. For example: Geto Suguru... a year above me. Do you need an ellipse here? Can you use a colon instead? You do it later in that same chapter with this: That white hair: Gojo Satoru. I feel it'd remove an ellipse and also stay consistent with what you do later in the chapter. You can also simply say Geto Suguru is a year above me. I feel the ellipse is overcomplicating it, especially since you use so many already. Overusing ellipses can become hard to read and, in some cases, come off as overdramatic for the scene you're trying to write. When all the characters speak with several ellipses, it also makes the speech styles feel the same with no differences to tell the characters apart, so that's another reason why I'm recommending downsizing on ellipses. For me, sometimes the speech styles blended together because of the overuse of ellipses, making the characters blend together at times. Not all the time, but sometimes.

In general, there are some punctuation and grammar tweaks I'd recommend. For starters, I recommend trying not to use more than one ! or ?. Like with the ellipses, it can come off as overdramatic. This is a serious story depicting serious topics like sh and toxic BDSM relationships, so that's why I'd recommend downsizing on things like ellipses and ! and ? to make it more tonally consistent. By that I mean, you often will use three !!! or ?!?! when that isn't needed. There's nothing more than one exclamation/question mark can do that one doesn't already do, not to mention ! in particular is inherently telling over showing, so the more you're using, the more telling over showing you're doing. That's why I'd advise against using too many ! and ?, or overusing ?! (and definitely not using ?!?! or even more, since ?! is already looked down upon and recommended to use sparingly if at all, so that's why I'd very strongly recommend never using ?!?! or even more ? or !). There are also tense issues where you flip flop between past and present tense incorrectly. The story is written in present tense, though sometimes you slip into past tense incorrectly. I noticed it the most in chapter 1-2, where you used many past tense verbs to describe actions happening in the present timeline of the story, like "He started unpacking..." and "I felt...", two actions performed in the story's current timeline, therefore they both need to be in the selected tense, in this case, present tense. It's not a flashback since it picks up right where chapter 1-1 left off, so that's why the present actions need to stick to the chosen tense of the story.

The last thing I'd like to say is, as much as I enjoyed the first part of the first chapter, and I'm also glad you took your time in the beginning few chapters to flesh out the characters, there was a little too much exposition in the first chapter, in my opinion. More than half of the chapter is exposition, and the chapter isn't too long so it's not a huge deal, but to put it into perspective, Wattpad shows this chapter has five minutes of read time, and about three of those five minutes are all exposition. Remember you have the entire story to give exposition, so consider focusing more on Y/n's current state in the story and saving more of that exposition for later. For example, maybe sprinkle some of it throughout chapter 1.2 while she's having that conversation with Geto. It's a peaceful scene where she's trying to take a break, so maybe there's intrusive thoughts entering her head about some of the things you gave us as exposition in the first chapter. I'm not saying that's perfect or what will work for the book as my style is vastly different from yours, but it's just one thought to show how there are other ways to sprinkle the exposition throughout instead of having a ton of it in just one chapter, let alone the hook chapter. I hope that makes sense.

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Summary:

- Cool writing style

- I'm glad you fleshed out the characters and took your time with that

- Nice themes

- Y/n is a strong protagonist

- Be careful with ellipses

- General punctuation issues

- Exposition in the first chapter

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Overall:

What If Geto Is Your Master has a strong opening with a writing style that will stand out to you right away. It's snappy and makes you feel like you're running through emotions with the main character. In general, it's a story driven by emotions and character decisions that majorly change the direction of the book. If you're someone who likes emotion-driven stories with moral dilemmas, then this is the perfect book for you.

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Thank you for submitting your book. If you have any questions or would like any additional reviews, please let me know.

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I'm going to start leaving this new note at the end of all reviews since Wattpad removed pms.

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