Intro:

This feedback is for the book Touch by int_playboy. This chapter will be dedicated to the author. Touch is a science fiction BTS fanfic with interesting ideas and a unique take on a Y/n character, making for an engaging read.

~~~

Detailed Review

What Worked:

For starters, the concept is brilliant and fits your writing style well. The entire idea behind the plot and characters is engaging and keeps the readers on their toes. Although the story isn't long so far, I can tell you have much planned for the future, and I cannot wait to see what you do with the ideas in your head.

Along with that, there is plenty of examples of great word choice in this story. Word choice goes beyond pretty words and how a sentence sounds. Sure, that's part of it, but in my opinion, excellent word choice is when an author uses very specific words to set up character traits, hint at future events, set up character development, etc. Subtle details and words leave such a large impact. In chapter one, for example, there's the line "He stretches out his hands to her neck, causing her to flinch." The reaction of 007 shows us right from the start what kind of character she's going to be. It gives us a hint about her past while also setting up her personality. It's such a small detail, but it sets the tone for the rest of the story.

I know I just mentioned chapter one, but I'm going to jump ahead into the future chapters and talk generally about them. I am a very experienced BTS fanfic writer as you know. I've been writing them since 2018, and one of the hardest things to do is please readers with how BTS acts. So many readers will get on writers if the BTS members aren't acting 100% like their real self (which imo is a terrible way to read; it's a fictional story, the BTS members are characters and are allowed to act differently from their real-life counterparts). However, I must say the dynamic between the BTS members is very grounded and feels like them. You capture their energy and it translates well into the book.

I'm jumping around a bit, I know, but I write reviews as I read then go back and edit later, so this first sentence is future, editor Raven while the rest is old, reader Raven lol. I enjoy the way Y/n is presented in this. I get bored of protagonists who are "innocent" when they're in their mid to late twenties. I get bored of "innocent" high school and college protagonists too. Trust me, no high school or college kid is that innocent. However, you found a balance between maturity and innocence that meshes well. It isn't innocence for the sake of innocence like those other Y/ns. This Y/n is, quite literally, "not like the other girls."

She has deep trauma that needs healing, but she has a sense of innocence that makes sense considering her past. I find it adorable how entranced she was by the children's cartoons, and how Jimin suggested they should put on kid's shows in the first place (I believe it was Jimin but correct me if I'm wrong). Her childlike wonder makes sense and isn't forced like other Y/ns. Not to mention that even though she has this innocence, she has a sense of maturity to her because she's been through too much. That makes her a unique Y/n and a unique character in general.

This is a small thing, but from the first chapter, there is plenty of intrigue about 007 and her relationship with the world around her. It builds suspense and has the reader scratching their heads.

The dialogue is fun and fits the characters. I already touched on this earlier so I won't go into it again, but the dynamics are great. The dynamics between the boys, yes, but also between the boys and Y/n. They make for a fun read.

Lastly, I'd like to touch on the other characters in the story. Okay, this is mostly an excuse to talk about BTS, but shush. The BTS members here are just as lovable as always, even Yoongi despite his attitude in the beginning. Although I do grow tired of the cliché of making Yoongi the grumpy one in every given situation, I feel it works here considering the situation with 007 and his profession.

(Jimin is my favorite for absolutely no specific reason at all)

~~~

What Didn't Work:

For starters, the intro is overwhelming. I read Y/n's powers and I'm like "Okay makes sense" then I look at the long list for Jungkook's and I'm like 👁️👄👁️ 

They all have different roles, but they feel the same because you're giving them the same long list of abilities. Based solely on the intro, the characters don't stand out. They all have honed senses, intuition of some kind, weapon/combat proficiency, etc. Seeing as the nature of the story is showing these men as efficient in their craft, you don't need to tell us those abilities in the first place. I'd recommend sticking to the abilities that are unique to the individual. For example, Jungkook is the martial arts master. Focus on that. Jimin is the seducer. Focus on that. You don't need to repeat the same things over and over again. It'll bore the reader and it also doesn't do anything for the story.

Or, if you feel it's super important to say those things, make a section of abilities all seven boys share. That'll make it easier to read while also helping the reader pick up on what makes them different from each other. Use the individual sections to focus on individual abilities and use the group section to focus on shared abilities like the honed senses.

Throughout the story, you choose very strange times to break up dialogue. You break it up when a character is not done speaking, and it's jarring to read. Although this is fine in plenty of cases (for example, when a character is monologuing), it's weird here since the character only says two lines but you make each line its own paragraph. If it's a stylistic choice, it's not adding anything to the story and it's making it confusing to read.

Dialogue tags, let's talk about them. I find myself talking about dialogue tags all the time, so don't feel bad about this, it's an extremely common error. However, you keep using dialogue tags despite how you end dialogue with a period.

From chapter one:

"'Good. Let's go.' He says as he..."

This is incorrect. Dialogue tags cannot occur when the dialogue ends with a period (unless the tag comes before the quotation). This is the correct way:

"Good. Let's go," he says.

Also, dialogue tags need to be lowercased unless they are proper nouns. He, she, they, etc. all need to be lowercased if they are being used in dialogue tags. Even when the punctuation is something other than a comma (like a question mark), the tag needs to be lowercased unless it is a proper noun.

You have tense issues. I believe you are trying to write in present tense, but the tense switches between present and past. If this is a stylistic choice, I do not believe it's adding anything to the story. Obviously you can use past tense in present tense stories, but make sure it's grammatically correct and you aren't randomly switching the tenses when you're not supposed to.

In chapter one:

"She raised her eyes..." This is past tense. To make it present, it needs to be "She raises her eyes..."

This is just a personal thing, but I don't like the usage of bold in the story. You bold and italicize certain words and I think doing just one or the other gets the point across without making it feel overdramatic. Again, that's a personal thing, I'm not saying it's wrong. For me, it didn't have the impact you were going for, but for others, it might. It varies from reader to reader.

Another thing I find myself saying often is don't overuse adverbs. There is an overreliance on them to tell the story when your description is strong enough that you don't have to.

Chapter one:

"007 quickly curls into a ball, covering her ears, overwhelmed with fright and confusion."

In my opinion, "quickly" isn't doing anything for this sentence that the other words don't already do. It's redundant to add the "quickly" since it's already implied with the urgency of her actions. Not to mention "quickly" is used way too much, it's repeated many times in multiple chapters. 

This may be nitpicky, but I'd say you don't even need the "overwhelmed with fright and confusion" since you can replace that with more description. For example, what are her eyes doing? How is the rest of her body holding up? Is she pulling at her hair? Rocking back and forth? Trembling? Is her lower lip quivering? You can do so much with fright and confusion. I mentioned it in my previous review, and I'll mention it here too: blatantly telling the audience how a character feels is almost like a "director's note." AKA: a note you [the writer] left to yourself to let yourself know what a character is feeling. It doesn't feel like it's intended for the audience; it feels more like a note to remind yourself what the character is feeling.

Lastly, I'd advise against using all caps. It comes off as overdramatic and there are other ways to express the emotions without using all caps. It feels like the reader is being screamed at, which is not a good feeling.

~~~

Summary:

- Lovable characters

- Plenty of intrigue

- Unique take on a Y/n character

- Interesting ideas that separates it from other books in the same genre(s)

- Fun dialogue

- Engaging character dynamics; the boys are all written well

- All caps makes the story feel overdramatic at times

- Work on showing over telling and not relying on adverbs

- Tense issues

- Dialogue tag issues

- Dialogue break issues

- Be mindful of the abilities in the intro; you don't want to overwhelm the audience

~~~

Overall:

Touch is an intriguing read with fun and lovable characters. I recommend this story to anyone who wants to see a unique take on a Y/n character, even if you are not in the BTS fandom. There are grammatical issues that need solving, but creatively, I have no complaints and think the plot/characters are worth your time!

~~~

Thank you for submitting your story. I enjoyed reading your work and I cannot wait to see more from you in the future. We talk a lot, so I was glad I got this opportunity. I hope this feedback was helpful to you, and please let me know if you have any questions or need any clarifications in any areas. I hope to see you soon :)

Be on the look out for more reviews and my author interview book. I have the rules set up, I'm just waiting until I get more reviews done to publish it so I have more time. I can't wait to see what authors I'm going to be interviewing!

P.S. I'm not doing these reviews in any specific order, I kinda just scroll up and down and click on the first one I stop on. If you want me to do yours first, please message me privately. I got a bunch of requests all at once, so to be fair to everyone, I figured doing it randomly would work best. However, I don't mind doing a couple faster if there is a reason why (you plan to add more chapters to the book and need feedback asap, you won't have access to the internet soon, you want to start a new book and need advice, etc.)