Intro:

The Pentagon Paradox was written by chaotic_marss. It's a book formatted like a cat and mouse game where the person the main character, Adeline, is searching for is right in front of her the entire time. However, beyond the cat and mouse game, there are interesting elements that will suck readers in, such as enemies to lovers and fast action scenes that will keep your attention.

~~~

Detailed Feedback

What Worked:

I think the thing I liked most about this story is the Pentagon itself. Maybe it's just the RAAAH RAAAH USA USA in me, but I thought it was fascinating to see descriptions of the Pentagon and watching Adeline bumble her way through it/get lost. Those first few beginning chapters where you set us in the scene and get us accustomed to the office life of the Pentagon were very interesting to me.

Alright, yes, I know my red white and blue blood may be biased, but I still thought it was well done and executed in a way that made sense. Scarlet is familiar with the Pentagon while Adeline isn't, and Scarlet is also the culprit Adeline is looking for. So it makes sense when exposition is given due to this dynamic. Adeline is new to the Pentagon, so having us be in her shoes where we see the Pentagon and the way it operates for the first time feels like natural information and not exposition for the sake of needing the audience to know what's going on. Along with that, Scarlet can ask questions about how Adeline does things and investigates and it makes sense because, well, yeah, Scarlet should care about Adeline's investigation. Even if she already knows how Adeline does things, it feels natural for her to ask because she of all people should be more careful about it and poking at Adeline to discover more information.

All of that is to say I think the worldbuilding and the way you handle exposition was done well and made sense for the story. I didn't feel like any of the descriptions or exposition scenes were forced because the character roles made it so the characters had to learn with the audience. It's almost like in daycare where you have to hold another kid's hand to cross the street. That's us with the characters, and I liked that dynamic and how it naturally fed information to us, and at the same time, it never felt overwhelming.

I have some critiques for the dialogue, mostly when it comes to how it's formatted, but when it comes to the content of the dialogue itself, I liked it. I think you do a good job describing what happens around the dialogue. The dialogue has things happening around it, like a busy office space, or the characters pausing to drink, or them saying words in certain ways, etc. When we speak, things are constantly happening around us, and I think you did a good job translating that into the book to make the dialogue feel more immersive.

In general, the speech styles are pretty clear and different from one another. Scarlet doesn't sound like Greyson, Greyson doesn't sound like Adeline, etc. All of them have their unique sound that makes their dialogue more realistic.

Curse my brain for not remembering the line, and curse me for not writing it down after I read it, but there was a line near the beginning of the story that mentioned how no matter how hard you work, you only get moved to the desk next to you. I'm using that as a segue into my next point: thought-provoking lines and narrative.

There are many times throughout the book where you give us some banging lines that make me stop and think about what I just read. That line in particular about being moved to the next desk no matter how hard you work was heartbreaking, funny, and true. It was funny in a way that makes you want to cry since you know no matter how hard you work, those efforts won't be appreciated in the way they should. It's sad, but also the reality of life, making it true, and also making you stop to think about it once you stumble upon it in the book. That's what made the book so thought-provoking and interesting to me.

I saved the biggest thing for last: the plot. The plot being a cat and mouse game between Adeline and Scarlet is fun. At first, I wasn't sure how I felt about it being spoiled in the blurb that Scarlet was the culprit, but then when I actually read the story, I felt it made more sense why it was spoiled since, well, it's literally one of the first things we learn in the book. It's the inciting incident, and I grew to like how it was something we were immediately made aware of so now there's more tension between Adeline and Scarlet when we read it.

It's a form of irony where we readers know everything, but the two main characters don't. That's amplified by Greyson's presence and his role in the book. The plot idea hooked me right in, and as it unfolded throughout the narrative, I kept wanting to see more and more because of how entertained I was.

In summary, I think the story is solid and has many highlights that made me intrigued to keep reading. I loved how you brought the Pentagon to life, and I also loved how thought-provoking many of the lines of description and dialogue were, and the plot itself was strong and will hook any reader in.

~~~

What Didn't Work:

I am going to start with the smaller things then work my way up to the bigger things. First, silencers. "Silencer" is a Hollywood-ized term, and the more accurate term is a suppressor because silencers aren't silent, so describing it as "There's no sound, thanks to my silencer" (chap 1) is extremely inaccurate. I don't think it matters if you call them silencers (I do too) since that's the more popularized term, but keep in mind guns can never be silent. Guns are so loud that the main purpose of silencers is so gun users don't lose their hearing. The whole point is to get it to a manageable level, but the guns are still so loud that you can hear it from far away. Just to put this in perspective, most guns make sounds of about 140-170 decibels, and 180-190 in some cases. Silencers/suppressors, on average, take that down by 20-35 decibels. So even at lowest with a silencer, the decibels is still 105 decibels. That's as loud as things like chainsaws, motorcycles, a helicopter flying above you, etc. That's how loud it is, and that's at lowest with the highest suppressor setting. So it's inaccurate to say silencers make no noise. For your reference, I'll include a great comparison video of a gun without a suppressor versus with it in the inline comments here. You'll notice when it's suppressed, it's still so loud that the shot echoes.

I know it's fiction and this isn't a big deal, but considering this could drastically impact the plot depending on the situation, I'd suggest being more accurate to real life gun rules. You also don't specify what kind of gun she's using, so specifying what gun could help, and maybe even specifying the ammo since there are ammo types that lower the noise of a firearm.

While on the topic, I felt your descriptions were inconsistent at times. Some of them were very specific while others weren't. Like I just said, the gun not being specified was strange to me. It doesn't give a visual for readers. Saying "gun" doesn't narrow it down in the slightest since there are countless guns out there. Similarly, in that first chapter, how many daggers does she have? It felt like she had an endless supply, so you could benefit from being more specific. There's also a description saying the man screeches in pain from a cut on his arm from a dagger, but this made me scratch my head. Is this not a professional trying to stay quiet, hence the silencer? Scarlet even mentions how she can't feel pain from the adrenaline, so why is he not only feeling the pain, but feeling it so intensely that he screeches? That just felt like an extreme and sudden escalation to me, and also it made the fight scene hard to believe because he takes the time to cradle his arm and screech, but Scarlet doesn't just stab him while he does that? Instead, she takes the time to wipe the dagger on her suit. Why? She's in a fight, she doesn't need to worry about getting blood off it right then. She had an opening where he was distracted, but she wiped blood off her dagger instead. It doesn't make me believe she's a great fighter when she isn't taking advantage of her opponent's weak spots.

The last thing I'd like to talk about is dialogue. I'll be giving hypothetical examples, and they'll be in past tense since I write in past tense, but the same applies to present tense.

First, I'd suggest not using semicolons in dialogue. For example: "She just got admitted yesterday; what could she have possibly...". There's no reason to use a semicolon here. It'd make far more sense as its own sentence. Not only is it more natural, but it simplifies the sentence. Most authors strongly advise against using many semicolons since they overcomplicate sentences. Along with that, one of my friends, hopelessromintic, once said we don't really speak in a way that warrants semicolon usage, and I agree. So it feels unnatural to have so many semicolons in dialogue. Dialogue is supposed to be the simplest part of the story since humans speak in shorter bursts and less descriptively. Look at that example I just gave. There's nothing the semicolon does for the sentence but overcomplicate it, meanwhile a period/full stop would make it flow smoother and make more sense for the spoken language. 

The second thing I want to mention is actions as tags. I'd strongly recommend never using actions (he shrugged, he nodded, he chuckled, he smiled, etc.) as dialogue tags. This is because they're unnatural. They're called dialogue tags, not people tags, so when you're using actions, it's almost like you're implying the words are the ones smiling, chuckling, nodding, etc., not the people. Words can't smile/chuckle/nod. That's why it's far smoother to say something like this:

He smiled. "*insert dialogue here*."

Or:

"*insert dialogue here*." He smiled.

Or:

"*insert dialogue here*," he said with a smile.

It's a tiny fix, but it makes the dialogue appear far more natural as opposed to: "*insert dialogue here*," he smiled.

Lastly, make sure you're giving each new character their own space to speak. Sometimes you'll have dialogue spoken by different characters on the same line, and I strongly suggest not doing this as that's grammatically incorrect and also very confusing to read. So sometimes you do this: "Hey," Raven said. "Hey," Jimin said.

It should be:

"Hey," Raven said.

"Hey," Jimin said.

~~~

Summary:

- The Pentagon itself is interesting

- Some cool lines appeared throughout the dialogue

- Interesting and thought-provoking ideas

- Fun cat and mouse game

- Be careful with inaccuracies

- Be careful with descriptions

- Be careful with dialogue formatting

~~~

Overall:

The Pentagon Paradox is a fun enemies to lovers book with many action scenes that will appeal to most audiences. The worldbuilding in particular is well done, so if you're someone who likes enemies to lovers mixed with a cool world to get immersed in, then this is the perfect story for you.

~~~

Thank you for submitting your book. If you have any questions or would like any additional reviews when the shop reopens, please let me know.

~~~

I'm going to start leaving this new note at the end of all reviews since Wattpad removed pms.

If you would like to keep in contact with me and ask me for more feedback on your work, I have a Discord server for all readers, writers, and friends. I'll leave a link in the inline comment here for anyone who would like to join.