Intro:

The Masked Billionaire was written by taekookiecookie. It is a BTS fanfiction following Jeon Jungkook and Kim Taehyung in a billionaire/arranged marriage plotline, though there are more layers to the puzzle like the presence of a mask (hence the "masked" in the title), familial issues, and Jungkook's internal conflict.

~~~

Detailed Feedback

What Worked:

First and foremost, I've been on record many times saying I'm not a huge fan of billionaire/CEO stories. I personally think most of them are cliche and follow the same story beats over and over again. However, this took the billionaire trope and did something unique with it by adding the mask. I think it's interesting that Jungkook models yet needs to marry a billionaire. It establishes early on that Jungkook's father clearly doesn't care about Jungkook much, if at all, since Jungkook has a solid career and passion for his life, so the fact that Mr. Jeon still wants an arranged marriage goes to show his selfishness and lack of faith in Jungkook, but along with that, it shows how he cares more about reputation than family as well.

I'm also glad Jungkook actually stands up for himself about the arranged marriage and isn't scared to tell his father off/call him out for the awful things he's done throughout Jungkook's life. Most mcs are too scared to stand up to their parents and call them out for their terrible actions, and it gets a little cliche after a while, especially in arranged marriage stories. Most of the mcs just run off and complain then get over it when they see how attractive their future spouse is, but I'm glad that doesn't happen here and Jungkook takes a stand. It's a small thing, I know, but it not only fits with Jungkook's rebellious character, but it also gives the audience a sense of satisfaction seeing a mc who isn't scared to defend himself in front of his father.

Similarly, I'm glad Jungkook shows emotion while doing it and isn't just yelling and screaming. The amount of angry Jungkooks I've seen in fanfics where being angry is his only personality trait makes me roll my eyes and it's the reason I rarely read BTS fanfics unless it's for reviews. Too many cliche Jungkooks. This one has more personality, and during the confrontation, he actually showed emotion and wasn't scared to show said emotion, which was nice. He wasn't just yelling the whole time or punching walls, he was sad, lonely, and spiteful, but more lonely than anything else, which also makes it easier to believe he'd have a successful relationship with Taehyung even after an arranged marriage he's strongly against. The loneliness foreshadows that. Also, just to clarify, I don't mean he's lonely romantically. He seems lonely in general.

I like Jungkook's father. Alright, that makes me sound like a masochist or something, but I mean I like the way he's portrayed and his dynamic with Jungkook. A lot of times, the parents are ignored in arranged marriage stories and are more plot devices than actual characters, but Mr. Jeon is a character. Whether he's morally good or bad is up to the individual, but it's clear he has many conflicting emotions that, unfortunately, strongly impacted Jungkook's childhood. I don't think he's a good person; anyone who lays their hands on their children is a bad person in my book, but that doesn't mean he's not complex and conflicted.

This is a smaller thing, but I think the chapters end well in the later parts of the story. They feel like they conclude the conflict within the chapter, and many times you'll end it with lines of dialogue that are short and to the point, which makes it easy to read and process, making it easier on the reader's imagination. Overall, the later parts of the story do a good job wrapping up chapters with their last few lines of dialogue/paragraphs.

Lastly, and probably most importantly, Taekook. I overall like the Taekook in this narrative and how you portrayed their dynamic. They bounce off one another well, and there were many fun scenes where it was entertaining to see the way they interacted, like in chapter 17 when Jungkook wakes up and Taehyung kinda makes fun of him for asking "Did you put me in the bed?" Jungkook, no duh Taehyung would do it, who else? It was funny to see Tae actually say that, and then the following scene was fun to read as well.

There were many fun scenes throughout that had that same dynamic, making it feel consistent. None of them felt OOC at any time, which is one of the most important parts of a story: keeping your characters consistent. Considering Taehyung and Jungkook are the core of the story, it's crucial that you were able to portray them in an entertaining way that kept the audience's attention.

Overall, the creativity is there and I think you have an interesting take on character writing that kept me intrigued. My critiques are all about the presentation/language you use to describe your story.

~~~

What Didn't Work:

Be careful with telling over showing. The first thing the story does is tell us Jungkook's personality by saying he's street smart, he's edgy, he's the embodiment of luxury, etc. You don't need to tell us those things because your descriptions already show us those things. To explain it simply, they feel like author's notes left in for your benefit so you can keep track of Jungkook's personality, not left there for the audience's, or our, benefit. Trust your audience to pick up on those details and draw their own conclusions about Jungkook's character. For example, if you're saying there's graffiti in his room, we know a lot about him based on that, so finishing that sentence (the one mentioning the graffiti) by directly telling us he's edgy felt a bit off, in my opinion. In simpler terms: You already showed us his personality, so why tell it?

Be careful with word choice. For example, in chapter one, you use adorned twice in close proximity, and when you're using those more advanced words, they're going to stand out. You also use "cascade" twice in close proximity in the same chapter. "Testament" is used frequently too, and I especially recommend almost never using testament because it is a word almost always used for unnecessary telling over showing. You use it for telling over showing, hence why I'm bringing it up.

"The mirror above the sink reflected his reflection...". There's no need to say both "reflected" and "reflection." You can shorten this to simply: "The mirror above the sink reflected him...".

As you can see, just in one chapter alone, there's a lot of repetition and redundancy, so I'd recommend being careful with word choice. However, it's more than in just one chapter. Words like "sleek," "drape," "anticipation," "clad" and "cascade" are used often throughout the entire text.

That leads me to my final topic, but it's a big one: purple prose. Your writing is purple prose, which, just in case you do not know, is a term in literary criticism that means the language is overly flowery to the point where it calls negative attention to itself. 

Your language is, more often than not, way too flowery. Along with that, telling over showing is a common side effect in purple prose since you're using elaborate language to say things like "The office, a reflection of his meticulous nature, was an oasis of productivity amidst the city's chaos." This entire sentence is telling over showing, making it unengaging. It doesn't matter what complex words you're using, it's still unengaging because you're using all this complex language to say "Taehyung is meticulous and his office is productive." Do you see how long it's taking you to say something very simple? It means you overcomplicated the sentence. The more you overcomplicate things, the less engaging it is. I'm not saying you have to be plain, but I very strongly recommend finding a stronger balance between using advanced words and simple ones.

A lot of these descriptions are too metaphorical and make it hard to understand. I asked some friends about that sentence, and they were confused what "oasis of productivity" meant. It's way too metaphorical for what you're trying to say, and you're overcomplicating it. Another example is "His gaze, as intense as a thousand constellations...". What does this mean? Constellations aren't intense, they're stars. If anything, they're soft. "The air crackled with anticipation...". What does this mean? How can air crackle with anticipation?

Many times it feels like you're trying to write these complex terms for the sake of being stylistic and not to advance the story. There are pacing issues because you're taking so long to describe environments, characters, emotions, actions, etc. that we start feeling unengaged. For example, the opening scene. We don't need that many paragraphs to describe Jungkook getting changed and taking a shower, especially for a first chapter, and especially since you show us an image anyway, so having that much description slowed down the story for not much benefit, in my opinion. The vast majority of chapter 1 is Jungkook showering, getting changed, and eating breakfast. The descriptions aren't advancing the story, which makes it purple prose.

Just to put this in perspective, I counted, and that is forty-five paragraphs to show Jungkook doing mundane tasks. I hope when I break it down like that, it makes sense why that was far too much. That entire first segment felt like major style over substance, which is why I'm recommending cutting down on vocab and focusing on story.

Remember style doesn't make a story, a story makes a story.

To explain why purple prose is a negative thing, the more complex the language is, the weaker the narrative is going to be because the language is so flowery it becomes impossible to focus on the plot. Along with that, readers are going to need to have Google open in another tab just to understand what some of your sentences are saying, which is extremely distracting and pulls them out of the narrative. Next, telling over showing is a common side effect of purple prose, and the more telling over showing, the less engaging a story is. Another thing is purple prose always has syntax errors, and you too have syntax errors because of the purple prose where sentences don't connect and feel awkward due to the high number of syllables you're using back-to-back. Lastly, the whole metaphor thing I mentioned earlier where making the descriptions too metaphorical leads to confusion and frustration where the reader doesn't have a clear mental image of what's going on.

My father, also a writer, gave advice to purple prose writers I think can be beneficial to you: Think of what you want to describe, then do it in half the word count. If you're taking a 16 word sentence to describe something, try to do it in 8.

For example, the bathroom. Why is the bathroom being described as a sanctuary/haven? It's a bathroom. So I challenge you to ask yourself this: What is describing the bathroom in such holy detail doing for the story? In my opinion, nothing. So why do you need it if it's not advancing the story? Whenever you write a description, I challenge you to ask yourself what exactly it's doing for the story and if it's clear it's doing that thing. If it is, keep it. If it's unclear and you can't come up with an answer outside of "describing things," then consider cutting it. Of course you need description for the sake of describing things, but if it becomes so much that you're only describing things, it doesn't feel like a book anymore because the actual story gets lost in the language.

For example, from the beginning, you tell us Jungkook puts his leather pants on, and he even looks in the mirror to confirm his appearance. Then, shortly after, you have this: "Next, he stepped into the leather pants...". How? He's already wearing them, so how is he stepping into them again? That's what I mean when I say the story gets lost in the language.

So, my general suggestions would be:

- Try describing things in half the word count, or at least try to cut 1/4th out

- Cutting back on the advanced vocab and long sentences

- Focusing more on story than style

- Reading sentences out loud to see if they sound easy to read or not

I'm not saying these are all great suggestions or you need to do all or even one of them, but they're worth considering for future stories, and I hope the reader's perspective is helpful.

To summarize, purple prose is a negative thing you should avoid. Not only will this lead to many AI accusations (AI writes in purple prose), but it will also weaken your writing because purple prose is inherently style over substance. The pacing suffers as a result, and it's harder to get attached to the characters because the language is so distracting I can't focus on the story. That's why writers strongly, strongly advocate against purple prose.

I found this quote from an article I will link for your convenience that sums up why purple prose doesn't work: "Clean, efficient prose will always work better than elaborate, ornate sentences." This is true. The #1 goal of creative writing is to be clear, and purple prose is not clear. That's why the majority of my review is focusing on the language.

I hope when I break it down like that, everything makes sense. I'll leave the link to the article I referenced in the inline comment here.

~~~

Summary:

- Nice spin on the billionaire trope

- Good spin on Jungkook's character

- Interesting backstory for Jungkook + interesting take on familial issues

- Fun dynamic between Taekook

- Be careful with telling over showing

- Be careful with word choice

- Try to avoid purple prose

~~~

Overall:

The Masked Billionaire takes a tired genre and puts a fun spin on it to make it more interesting. Along with that, it plays around with its characters to break free of the stereotypes often associated with billionaire stories. All in all, if you're someone who wants to see a more unique take on billionaires, then this is the story for you.

~~~

Thank you for submitting your story. If you have any questions or would like any additional reviews when the shop reopens, please let me know.

~~~

I'm going to start leaving this new note at the end of all reviews since Wattpad removed pms.

If you would like to keep in contact with me and ask me for more feedback on your work, I have a Discord server for all readers, writers, and friends. I'll leave a link in the inline comment here for anyone who would like to join.