Intro:

The Forbidden Text was written by Yootifully. It follows main characters Y/n, Park Jimin, and Jeon Jungkook as they navigate a mysterious past and college life (minus Jimin, who is an older rich man). As it turns out, Y/n and Jimin's pasts are tightly intertwined, but if Jimin and Y/n were to find out the extent of how much, it could destroy their growing feelings for each other, or worse, their entire lives.

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Detailed Feedback

What Worked:

I'll start with the smaller things then make my way to the larger things.

So, to start, I like the cover. I rarely comment on covers since I'm someone who is more of a story content person than a presentation person, so I try to stick to that, but I couldn't help but mention the cover here. It's very pretty and has a great color scheme, and it gives off the vibe you're going for. There are text messages on the cover, and that relates to the title perfectly. The actual text, like the title/subtext, is put in great places. Overall, it's a visually cohesive and attractive cover.

While on the topic of presentation, I also like the title and how it ties into the story. Quite literally, Y/n is engaging in a forbidden text where she's not supposed to be texting Jimin. Not only because of their hidden past together, but also Jungkook's overprotectiveness and desire to keep her under his surveillance 24/7 365. So the presentation of the story is overall good and made me curious about the story.

Moving into the core narrative, one of my favorite things about this story is the emotional complexity and how not one but both of the leads (Jimin and Y/n) have their own mental problems that push and pull at them. There's never a moment where their mental issues aren't impacting them, which is realistic and, quite frankly, mature. Y/n is at college age and Jimin is almost in his 30s, so it makes sense that the two of them have major setbacks in life because of their mental issues holding them back. Being college-aged myself, I'll say that many mental issues are amplified and/or discovered thanks to the college life, so to see Y/n undergo copious amounts of stress shortly after going to classes is something that I see all too often. While the issues aren't related to her college experience, it still makes sense that they're amplified by the new stress she's dealing with.

That's not to say mental issues aren't as serious prior to adulthood because that's not true at all, they just tend to get amplified the more alone you are and the more responsibilities are placed on your shoulders. The emotions throughout the narrative are complex and cover less talked about subjects that need more attention in media, like what it means to recover from lost love, especially if said lost love is right in front of you, just out of reach.

I think my personal favorite part is how Jungkook is handled. Jungkook is undoubtedly possessive to the point where he's controlling and maybe even a little toxic, though it's conflicting since he has a good reason for what he's doing. Every time Y/n isn't with him, she ends up in the hospital, so I can't really blame him for how controlling he is. If my best friend went through a coma and could get flashbacks so bad she ends up in the hospital just by being near places that trigger memories, I'd never want her out of my sight either, so I understand how Jungkook feels.

That's why he's probably my personal favorite part of the story. The way he goes to the extremes to keep her safe characterized him well and made me conflicted about how to feel about him. On one hand, if a man treated me that way, I'd slap him silly and kick him to Pluto. On the other hand, he's kinda justified. I mean, like I just said, almost every time Jungkook isn't there, she faints and ends up in the hospital. It makes me question if maybe Jungkook should be even more controlling. Maybe that makes me sound like a psycho for considering that, but like I said, with all the bad things that happen to Y/n when he isn't there, it's hard not to think about, and I believe that's what you were going for since Jungkook's the one always talking about breaking his promise and needing to keep her safe above all else.

I saved him for last because, well, I'm me, but to be honest, I don't have as much to say about Jimin as I do about Jungkook. That's not a bad thing by any means, and I actually think that works for the story. Jimin is like the mysterious cloud you want to jump up and touch, but he's always out of reach. Jimin takes a while to enter the story, and again, I think that works. I think it was a good idea to get readers grounded in Y/n's story before you got Jimin involved.

When Jimin does get involved, he's a little more in the background than Y/n, then gradually becomes more of a major player until the last I'd say 8 published chapters where he's far more important and fills the male lead status. It's a gradual grow from him not being there to becoming the commanding force (wish he'd command me), and I liked that. I think Jimin's mental issues and his reactions to said issues are interesting albeit not easy to read, but, again, that's a good thing since it shows the reality of what it means to suffer through these struggles. He's struggling—genuinely struggling. It also gives him a stronger connection to Y/n (outside of the obvious reason they're connected) since they both have struggles and they can help one another with them.

That's all to say I think Jimin's inclusion in the story was handled well, and I'm glad you didn't shove him down our throats right away (although I wouldn't mind that- okay I need to log out) and gave us time to marinate in Y/n's storyline and understand what's happening in her life, and I overall liked how they interacted. That applies to the other character relationships, like Y/n and Jungkook, as well.

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What Didn't Work:

The main story criticism I have is to be careful with how many coincidences are present in the narrative. Many times the characters stumble upon one another coincidentally. I'm fine with this happening every once in a while since coincidences happen in real life. For example, I have no issue with Jimin and Y/n meeting by chance. It is definitely lucky that the person who drastically changed Jimin's life happens to be drunk and do something she normally wouldn't at the exact time he's coming out to his car, but again, I don't think that's a story flaw because those kinds of things happen. I mean, really, how many times have we bumped into the people we really, really don't want to see at the grocery store? Sometimes it feels like not even a small world but a tiny one.

So that's why I don't have a huge problem with things like that, though sometimes it felt very random, like Jungkook stumbling upon Y/n in chapter 11. The reason I'm pointing this out in particular is because I feel there's an easy fix for it: have Jungkook install a tracker on her phone.

If Y/n is gone for an extended period, it's 100% believable that Jungkook would freak the flip out and destroy the world to find her. So him installing a tracker on her phone while she's unconscious at the hospital is in-character for him to do. That way instead of him stumbling upon her because he happened to need ingredients and found the alleyway she was in, he's finding her organically and in a way that makes sense for his character. Many times, characters meet by chance, and if there are ways you can limit this that makes sense for the character personalities, then I'd say go for it, hence why I'm suggesting the tracker idea so it's less based on chance and more because of active character decisions. That's another perk: it makes the characters more active. Instead of the world pushing the plot around, the characters are.

The next thing I'd like to mention is dialogue. I can get behind Jimin talking overly formal and more elegantly because he's a rich man, and he probably has the rich man laugh. So I have no problem with him speaking more formally, but sometimes the characters speak very formally with one another despite not needing to, leading to some dialogue feeling a little awkward. It's fine if one or two characters speak this way since that can be a speech style thing, though all the characters have moments they speak in a way that's a bit too formal and/or a little wordy.

For example: "People who prefer it that way but mostly ones who are sick which is you" (chapter 8).

Y/n's talking about having soup while sick, though this is a very long way of saying that, especially to a best friend. There are also some grammar errors here that make it a little unnatural. Maybe something like this: "Mostly sick people." Maybe you can have her pause to have an action, like glancing at him and/or pointing at him, then you can continue it with, "Like you." Or you don't need the action and can simply say: "Mostly sick people. Like you."

I didn't feel the first part of that sentence was needed, and the "which is you" feels a little awkward since she's talking about a person, so "which" wouldn't be correct there. I feel "like you" flows far smoother. So that's what I mean when I say some of the dialogue felt too formal/lengthy since some words that weren't needed were added.

Be careful with word choice. Sometimes you'll have purple prose, and a common side effect of purple prose is repetitive word choice and telling over showing. Just in case you are not aware, purple prose is a term in literary criticism that means the language is overly flowery to the point where it calls negative attention to itself. For example, most of chapter 13 is purple prose where the language is very flowery and could benefit from being downsized. I can understand some of it and think it's fine here and there, but the description combined with the formal dialogue from Jimin makes it so sometimes it pulls me out of what's happening and I'm focusing too much on the language rather than the emotions.

I started with word choice because that's where this is going: sometimes you have repetitive word choice/descriptions because of the purple prose. In that chapter, I think 5+ times you used the same telling over showing description of "*insert thing here* shared *insert thing here*." For example: "...a desperate plea for reassurance in the midst of their shared uncertainty." Or: "...they found solace in the depth of their shared love." Or: "...weight of unspoken promises and the echo of shared memories."

(Note: "weight" is another word you repeated in this chapter)

What do all three of those have in common? 1) They're telling over showing, 2) the "shared" part is repeated, 3) they're purple prose. So be careful you aren't using style over substance and the word choice/descriptions are unique but not too flowery. Remember clarity is #1 goal in creative writing, so if the language is too complex, it's harder to invest in the emotions and what's going on. I hope that makes sense.

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Summary:

- Good presentation

- Complex themes/emotions

- JEON JUNGKOOK 😍😍😍

- Jimin's character is handled well

- Be careful with too many coincidences

- Be careful with dialogue

- Be careful with word choice

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Overall:

The Forbidden Text will pique your interest right from the start and continue to hold it as its narrative unfolds surrounded by a strong cast with powerful emotions. If you're someone who enjoys reading about dark, lesser known topics that need more awareness brought to them in media, then this is the book for you.

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Thank you for submitting your book. If you have any questions or would like any additional reviews when the shop reopens, please let me know.

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I'm going to start leaving this new note at the end of all reviews since Wattpad removed pms.

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