Intro:

The Deception was written by angelstorms. It is a devil and angel original fiction following the angel of death as she descends into Hell to deceive the king. However, things are not that simple seeing as she must deceive everyone around her and blend in, often acting like a maid and trying to appear "normal," and failure is not an option.

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Detailed Feedback

What Worked:

I'd like to jump right into the core of the story, though if I have time to cover some of the smaller details, I will include them.

I love the way you presented devils and angels. The way they play off of one another and the devil/angel concept is fascinating. I really love these types of stories since I love the supernatural and how many interesting plot ideas you can get from them. I particularly like how the angels aren't portrayed as purely holy, mostly through Dina and the way she constantly scowls at humans and treats them as if they are beneath her. It's cool to see a play on it where there's corruption on all sides and it doesn't just stop in Hell, but it also hints at Hell corrupting even the strongest, like angels. I could be interpreting this totally wrong, but I still think that's a good thing since it means readers are going to interpret multiple different things from your work, and inspiring discussion and different perspectives is the sign of an interesting narrative.

I also love the memory aspect of it, and the whole intro sequence where they're trying to trick the devils. I love the way you can feel the fear in the air and how one tiny slip up feels like life and death. There's a lot of tension during that opening sequence, and I like the small details you added to it, like being scared to talk. When they do talk, there's a bunch of glares and judgment passed around. It's a small way to show the severity of the situation they're in, but it's effective. If they aren't even willing to speak aloud, it shows they're in for some serious sh*t. Then that fear continues when they reach their destination and have to essentially fight for their lives with their words. Ironic, isn't it? At first, they were too scared to speak, now they must use their words to "survive." It's like an oxymoron to itself, and I really liked how you did that.

The one smaller thing I'll mention since I like to point out smaller things alongside the larger things is the cover. I'm far from a graphic designer, hence why I don't talk about covers most of the time in my reviews, but I have eyeballs, and I can safely say the cover attracted me. I love love love that picture, and after reading the story, the picture fits in perfectly with the narrative. It's always awesome when the cover has subtext. And no, I don't mean the tiny text you sometimes put on a cover, I mean the creativity that hints at what's to come. Your cover hints at what the story is going to be about without being too obvious, and after reading it, readers will find new takeaways from the cover. I also love the white bar over the angel's eyes to strip her of her identity. Again, considering the story's plot, this makes sense and hints at what's to come in a way that's subtle but will make you facepalm for not noticing it sooner. I love the arrows and what looks like restraints on the angel's hands. Every detail adds to the narrative, so I think you chose the perfect picture for it. I know that's a smaller thing, but I think it adds to the fun since not only is it visually appealing for first-time readers, but it also gives experienced readers something to look forward to picking apart after they're done reading. Like I said, there's a lot of subtext in the cover, so we can find new meanings for it every time we click on the book, hence why it's so cool.

Lastly, I liked "Beth," or Dina. I liked chapter 5 in particular where we really got to see her personality shine. She has a very strong, clear personality that shows early in the story, but like I said, chapter 5 is where it shows most through her subtle mannerisms and the way her dialogue bounces off the other characters in the scene. Chapter 5 is probably my favorite chapter in the whole story due to its tense scenes and cool character interactions with Dina. Even outside of chapter 5, Dina is cool to read about!

All in all, The Deception provides a fresh look on a genre that I personally really enjoy, and it's supported by a cool concept, good execution of said concept, a nice cover, an engaging protagonist, and more. I overall enjoyed my read, and all my suggestions are about language, not concept.

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What Didn't Work:

Let's jump right into some creative suggestions.

Be careful with word choice. Your writing is purple prose, and one of the most common side effects of purple prose that I see is repetitive word choice. When you're using more advanced vocabulary, the more you repeat the complex words, the more noticeable it is. For example, you use celestial I believe over 5 times in chapter one alone, and chapter one only has a five-minute read time, so it's very noticeable. You also use words like "aspect," "canvas," "delicate," "malevolent," "cascaded," "journey," "tendrils," "frosty," "shiver," and "ethereal" multiple times in a single chapter, sometimes even multiple times in a single paragraph. All those words are repeated at least twice in one chapter or were repeated in general a bunch of times throughout the story.

It's one thing if the chapters are long or it's one to three repeated words, but all except chapter 2 are under ten minutes and there are numerous repeated words, as you can see above with how many words I listed you repeated. Since the chapters are short, that's why I suggest diversifying the word choice and also not being scared to use simple words, especially since you're writing about a complicated topic between devils and angels. Clarity is more important than prettiness, so that's why I suggest dialing back on the language to focus on being clear. And I don't mean be plain because you don't have to do that, but remember style doesn't make a story, a story makes a story, so the more you're calling attention to the language by overstuffing it with complicated vocabulary, the more attention you're taking away from the thing that matters most: story. This also leads to syntax errors and some sentences feeling like they don't make sense, hence why I'm recommending focusing more on story than style.

In general, I strongly suggest not writing in purple prose. Not only will this lead to many AI accusations (AI writes in purple prose), but it's also not good for engagement. Like I mentioned before, you have repetitive word choice but also repetitive figurative language. In the first handful of paragraphs of chapter two, you use similes three times almost in a row, and that's just in the first two paragraphs. Overuse of figurative language can get hard to read. I feel this writing is better suited for poetry and direct prose, not a narrative book since the style conflicts with the story. There were times I had trouble following the story since you went too far with the metaphors and language. It wasn't even just because of it being too complicated but also the syntax and grammar errors and the fact that we had to adjust to these otherworldly concepts in mere minutes since the plot started immediately. I'm fine with the plot starting fast and even encourage it, but in that case, I'd suggest giving the audience more time to adjust by not throwing as much figurative language at us and being more direct. Remember when you're writing a supernatural/sci-fi/fantasy world, metaphors could be interpreted as literal. I remember I read a story once that was sci-fi and had a metaphor about a floating clocktower, but it could have easily been interpreted as the clocktower was literally floating because it was high sci-fi. The same applies here. Figurative language like metaphors are of course fine to use, but be careful since sometimes metaphors can go too far and feel literal, especially if you're writing in an otherworldly genre like this one.

Another one of the most common side effects I see with purple prose is overusing adverbs, and you have that problem here. In chapter 2, there are about 50 adverbs. That's way too many. The three common side effects of purple prose are this:

1) Repeated words

2) Too many adverbs

3) Too much telling over showing

You have all three of those problems because of the purple prose where you often directly tell us what characters are feeling and use too much figurative language and adverbs to tell us what's happening, not show us. Adverbs are fine to use here and there, though be careful with overusing them since you also often overuse the same adverbs, like "even" and "just." The more you use them, the more telling over showing you do. A good challenge may be the 300 advice. This advice states that you should have no more than one adverb per 300 words. I personally think it should be no more than one per 500-1,000 words, but it depends on context, and it's also more forgiving with dialogue since humans are known to use adverbs when they speak, so there's definitely more leniency there. So it's fine to use them, all I'm suggesting is limiting them. Maybe instead of 50 adverbs in one chapter, try to knock it down to 15-25.

I hope all those suggestions made sense!

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Summary:

- Cool story idea with the devils and angels

- Tense scenes and interesting moments

- Nice book cover with plenty of subtext

- Dina is fun to read about

- Be careful with word choice

- Be careful with purple prose

- Be careful with adverbs

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Overall:

The Deception provides a fresh take on the supernatural genre centering around the idea of deception and the relationship between devils and angels. It has a lot of thought-provoking themes and characters that will get you excited to read. If you're someone looking for a unique take on the supernatural genre, then this is the perfect book for you.

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Thank you for submitting your book. If you have any questions or would like any additional reviews when the shop reopens, please let me know.

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I'm going to start leaving this new note at the end of all reviews since Wattpad removed pms.

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